It's a show, and it's fast. What more can be said? Well, quite a bit actually - especially about the myriad characters that have infested the show... Lord Ralph Mayhew, a rural peer of the realm, lives alone, heirless and almost friendless. His only friend in the whole wide world is his groundskeeper, Ted. Because of this, Ralph is forever trying to get closer to Ted, much to Ted’s discomfort - Ted is of old-fashioned stock, and cannot bring himself to call Ralph anything but ‘sir.’ Therefore, Ralph’s invitations for Ted to join him to partake in the latest Gerard Depardieu film or a Tina Turner concert are always met with Ted mumbling that there’s too much to do, with the drainage problems in the lower field. Alf is the unluckiest man in the world, and knows it. If there’s a hole in the road, Alf will fall into it, if there’s dog muck on the pavement, Alf will step in it. Alf has long resigned himself to the fact that he’s so unlucky, and takes measures to prevent misfortunes. However, it seldom works - when Alf chose not to go to the Cup Final, on the grounds that knowing his luck they’d probably cancel the game, he sat at home to watch it on telly. Naturally, his TV set blew up on the moment he turned it on. Swiss Tony knows what woman like. They like fine wines, Belgian chocolates, Hello magazine and the manly smell of a pipe. It’s this knowledge that makes Swiss Tony a gold card member of the metaphorical Pussy Club. Or so Swiss Tony likes to think. When not trying to convince people that he’s got the biggest todger in the world, Swiss Tony purports to manage a London automobile dealership. Oh, and why’s he called Swiss Tony? Because he’s built like the Alps and rich like a Toblerone. Simon and Lindsey are members of the off-roader’s club. They’re tough men, tough men who live a tough life. In their four-wheeler, dubbed by Simon ‘The Beast’, they plough their way through some of the roughest terrain known to man. Well, sort of. In reality, they’re more likely to get bogged and have to walk five miles to find a farmer with a tractor to get them out. Apart from off-roading, they also participate in paint-balling, shark-fishing, white-water canoeing, pot-holing, and roughing it ‘survival style’. Lindsey’s hat is world-famous. Or at least he thinks it is. He’s never not been seen in it. He even shagged Simon’s sister in it, apparently. The thin blue line’s finest (or at least heaviest), the Fat Sweaty Coppers are loath to attend the scene of a crime without stopping off for a curry on the way. Oh, and a Chinese. And they can’t pass McDonald’s without popping in for a Big Mac. Their response time is also somewhat cut down courtesy of the fact they have difficulty fitting through narrow doorways. However, when they do arrive, you can rest assured they’ll do all they can to bring wrong-doers to justice. After lunch, anyway. And if there’s not too many stairs to climb. Archie is a pub bore of the mold we are all familiar with. No matter what your line of work or interests are, Archie will know all about it, claiming it to be the ‘hardest game in the world’. Boxing, long-distance lorry driving, ballet dancing - Archie’s done it all. Sadly, he’s had to quit from all these labours, since he suffered a terrible back injury. Or so he claims. He’s also keen to talk anyone’s ear off on the topics of fishing or the music of Frank Sinatra. It’s best not to choose a pub stool anywhere in his vicinity if you want a quiet drink, really. Chris is a geezer. He’s a little bit wheey, a little bit whoo, he’s a bit tasty, he’s a cockney. He’s lowlife scum, he’s a one-man crime wave. He’ll nick anything. Be that is it may, it must be noted that Chris always lets people know he’ll nick off with anything that’s not bolted down. Unfortunately, most people seem to think he’s joking. and find their trust betrayed when they find that Chris had nicked their wallet, bags, briefcase, pot plants, newspapers, Christmas presents, Pokemon cards, taxi, till, or police car. A man as widely traveled as Alan Whicker and Michael Palin rolled into one, Rowley Birkin likes nothing better than to recount his many adventures in the exotic areas of the globe to his guests over a good glass of brandy. Or two. Of course, Rowley’s tales of his treks to Cairo, Shang-hi, and the jungles of darkest Africa would be far more riveting if anyone could make out what he was saying - his apparent state of perpetual sozzlement means that only the occasional phrase can be deciphered. And because such phrases are often something like ‘“the whole thing was made entirely out of rubber” or “there’s a permanent tap to the gall bladder of these bears”, most of his guests are left none the wiser. Quite who the Patagonians are is something of a mystery. The quartet, garbed in their garish ponchos, crop up in various London locations, from the bowels of the Underground to the steps of St. Paul’s Cathedral. Their musical talent is questionable - their offerings usually amount to little more than a cacophony of tuneless tooting and strumming. However, they certainly had enough skill to be invited onto Louis Balfour’s Jazz Club for a guest appearance. God knows how. Bob Fleming presents his enduring popular BBC1 TV show ‘Country Matter with Bob Fleming’. On his programme he looks at endearingly rustic issues such as fly fishing, the woodcarver’s art and 19th century hand tools. Or at least he would if he could ever stop coughing. Bob’s cough is perennial, nothing seems to hold it at bay. However, Bob scarcely registers his coughing habit, and is bewildered when executives threaten to can his show on the grounds of it being nothing but 30 minutes of Bob coughing his lungs up. Guests on his show have included sneezing Clive Tucker, hiccoughing Murtagh Blethyn, and Jed Thomas who keeps shouting ‘arse!’ for no apparent reason. He thinks everything’s brilliant. Milk, gravity, shelves, Christmas, chocolate, computers, virtual reality, holes, cling-film, movies, old people, cheesy-peas, wars, hospitals, cars, television, clothes, pubs being open all day, micowaves, sheep, shops, football, calenders, holidays, sex, the sky, the Mafia, mums, dads, kids, Romans, snowboarding, volancoes, golf, echoes and yesterday - all brilliant! Wearing his typical stupid hat, he walks through a variety of incongrous landscapes listing off everything that’s brilliant and his thoughts on exactly why they’re so brilliant. No-one knows why. Loius is the host of the popular ‘Jazz Club’ television show. Jazz Club gives its viewers the best seat in the house when it comes to both traditional and contemporary jazz. It’s many high-profile guests include jazz legends such as Jackson Jeffrey Jackson, jazz xylophonist Yolanda Ayres, Stepney Green, jazz dance team Thrusk, and Britain’s own white witch-doctor Jeremy Queeg. Nice. Really nice. Louis has been voted as having the coolest style in Britain when it comes to smoking a cigarette on telly. Great. Malpractise has a new name - and it’s Sidney Fraude. Dr Sid, as his patients know him, is a complete fraud. His medical qualifications are entirely non-existent. He doesn’t have clue what he’s on about. However, this doesn’t stop the terminally cheerful Dr Sid from adminstering his own particular brand of physiotherapy (mainly involving beating his patients senseless) or offering his condolences when those agonizing cases of cancer come his way. Actually, its not unknown for Dr Sid to offer such condolences even when patients have clean bill of health, and he just fancies a bit of a laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Renee and her terminally hen-pecked husband Roy enjoy regaling all and sundry of the tales of their many holidays. More precisely, Renee does the regaling, while Roy is occasionally allowed to back up something that Renee said. Renee thinks herself to be a connoisseur of the continent - she considers French crusine to be the best in the world, after all where else are the chips so thin and crispy? She, and by default Roy, prefer Jasper Carrott to William Shakespeare. Roy likes Kit Kats. Arthur Atkinson is considered in theatre circles golden child of the British music hall tradition. Well, anyone who never actually met him might think that. Arthur delighted his audiences with his constant streams of banter, patter and catchphrases - his most famous being his washboard routine and the ever-present “how queer!” In latter life Arthur fell on hard times, ending up forced to make cameo appearances in such classic British sex comedies of the 70s, such as ‘Confessions of a Door-to-Door Cucumber Salesman.’ However, his fans prefer to remember him from his countless appearances at Drury Lane and on his long-lived radio show ‘How Queer!’ From what we have witnessed, there is not one single thing that Dave can make up his mind about - holidays, politics, football, Christmas, religion, his girlfriend, crime and punishment, the next drink... not one of them can Dave set his mind on. Dave would be the first person to call himself indecisive. Actually, he probably wouldn’t be, he’d change his mind so many times that everyone would have time to call him indecisive before he got around to it. Carl is the host of the popular Australian TV show ‘That’s Amazing’. The show prides itself on delving into the most strange, unusual and bizarre phenomena to be found in God’s Own Country. Although most of Carl’s guests are true-blue cut-them-in-half-and-they-bleed-Fosters Aussies, their stories are typically far from fantastic. Memorable cases include Davy Monroe and his never-ending pen that ends up running out, and Dick Wellington’s tale of the time he encountered an invisible, silent, hovering monster on the way back from the pub. Ken and Kenneth are both bespoke tailors of the highest quality. They offer the personal touch to each and every gentlemen who chances to wander into their elegant suit store. They especially take interest in their clients’ personal lives, never hesitating to inquire about choices of sex position, preferences when it comes to shemales and transsexuals, and the sexual appetites of lady-friends. In truth, the business of suits and trousers plays second fiddle to questions on whether a lady wants it or not. Johnny and his wife like nothing better than finding some secluded area of the countryside with a rolling landscape and dramatic sky and dabbling in a few watercolours. As long as Johnny is kept away from the black paint, everything goes swimmingly. Sadly, if Johnny gets stuck on the word ‘black’, he’s prone to go into a fit of manic depression, screaming about the creatures that wait for him in the woods, being locked in the cellar and fed pins, and how mankind crawls on its knees towards its doom. Then it’s time to go home for Johnny and his wife. Jacob runs a garage that seems to have come straight out of the 1960s. He never seems to sell any fuel, or do anything constructive to keep automobiles in working condition. His expertise instead lies in providing directors to passing visitors who have lost their way. Actually, he provides directions even if said visitors know exactly where they’re going. Since asking directions of Jacob typically results in a rant about the nature of misfortune and despair, it’s probably better to try and find your own way. They’re from The Isle of Man. They’ve lived there all their lives. They wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. This is because of the deviants. They’re from The Isle of Man. They take their holidays to the mainland every year. They don’t like it. They never have. They’re from The Isle of Man. He doesn’t drink at all. Neither of them eat vegetables. They like them, but they don’t eat them. They’ve seen Judith Chalmers. They’re from The Isle of Man. Did we mention about the deviants? Disheveled, tie akimbo, a cigar hanging from one hand and a half-finished bottle of the finest bubbly in the other, the Thirteenth Duke of Wynbourne finds himself in all manner of situations that someone with his reputation shouldn’t be in. To date, these include a French maid’s finishing school, the changing rooms of the Brazilian synchronized swimming team, a gynecologist’s examination antechamber, a morgue, or alone with his best friend’s wife in their bedroom. Obviously no-one’s thought of the consequences. Few people are as uncomfortable in their line of work as the Squeamish Zookeeper. Every day at London Zoo is a living hell for him. One day he’ll sent into paroxysms of horror because a camel did a wee near his boots, the next he’ll be gasping in disgust at the thought of shoveling elephant manure. Worst of all is when the animals start looking at him in a funny way - it’s enough to send him screaming over the horizon. They’re Cockneys. You know, Cockneys. East end, born and bred. They’re tough as nails, but they love their old mums. Quite why they speak in accents so upper-class that they’d make Prince Charles sound like Alf Garnett is anyone’s guess. However, they seem to rattle along rather well, taking their holidays to South End, attending garden parties and looking for somewhere to buy pie and mash or jellied eels. It’s slightly mysterious that everyone they encounter up north speaks in exactly the same ridiculously posh accent as they do. Professor Dexter is a senior investigative scientist at the University of South California. He and his laboratory assisstant Dave carry out a variety of experiments, but to date their results have been unanimously dissapointing. Examples of such failures include an attempt to construct a time machine out of a jeep, some pots and pans and lots of aluminium foil, and Professor Dexter’s experiments in teaching mice to play the flute. A further experiment involved taking a beaker of tap water and a beaker of rain water from the laboratory roof. Don’t ask why, they just did. Ton meterologicos porfa chanel nine un dipso. Poula frigid vas catchophrasio tenny ‘scorchio!’ El mo populaire et sminky pinky bang bang bang. Il problematica technicale isto pang ethethetheth hethethethetheth Chris Waddle. Duplo dung. Ton A.R.S.E. awardes Poula flungo tipsy ton tin ton winky wa goldenos statuteues forgie meteologicos presentarios et al favouritos ‘Bibi’ blet ‘Willi Wooliman’. Bastardos ton lotto. Mela verry bella big wunos. Crypto seniora ton stiffino anaconda wanko. Butros butros gulli.