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Was the trip okey? No traffic delays or other problems. I bet you are happy to be able to speak freely again. You couldn't when you were here. I wish I'd known how to talk to you. To understand everything you told me. Or the things you might've wanted me to know. I was nervous. I don't know how to speak when I'm nervous.

...and you were so calm. You smiled at me. Tried to encourage me to be social with you. You did a great job. But I didn't know how to be social with you. I really wanted to. And now it's too late.

I haven't heard from you in a while. Will you let me know or am I wasting my time hoping? If you only let me know. We could reconnect. Talk about visits later on. I'd love to see you again. I'd love to visit you. We could take walks in the city where you live. You could show me everything that's worth to have a look at. Enjoy the late afternoons in the sunlight we both love. Lean over the bridge edge and watch the river float by so peacefully.
We could go out and we'll call it a "fuzzy date". It would be two friends having dinner. Flirt a bit. Laugh and have a great time. People would look at us and think "Aww, they're so cute".

I'd play with your hands if you let me. Feel your beautiful fingers under my fingertips. See your sweet smile. There's something deeper than just a smile. I didn't get to know it properly. Will you show me?

I've been given so many chances before. I've never taken advantage of them. But now. Now I really want a second chance. I really want to get to know you. I want us to be so close we can enjoy friendly, romantic physical contact. I know it sounds crazy. How can friendship be romantic. But it can. I'd like us to feel that. Feel the fuzzyness and the dizzyness of eachothers company. To just go with the flow and see what happens. No strings attached.

But it's been long since I saw you last. I doubt I'll ever hear from you again. I will keep my hopes up a little longer. Just in case. I will dream of your gorgeouse eyes and hope I'll see them again.

I tried not to think about her today, but I did. My missing love. I haven't seen her in a while, yet I can still hear her voice in my head. I can still see her sweet smile and those eyes. I wanted her to come back. I still do. I wanted her to surprise me by just standing right in front of me when I turned around. I would ask what she was doing here and why she'd come back. In my mind she said she missed me. That she wanted to see me again. She said it as she put her arms around me. I smiled and asked why. In my opinion we hadn't shared enough time together to actually miss eachother.

"Because I like you." she said with a smile.

I could feel the happiness and warmth from the daydream spread in my entire body. I liked it.
Later, the daydream came back. This time in the shape of the picture to the left and one of the stories of Ganis and Dalaran. It was a mix of everything that overwhealmed me. I could feel the looks my missing love gave me before she kissed me. I wasn't prepared and turned red in my entire face. She smiled and asked if I was okey. I said yes and looked to the ground. I felt stupid because I didn't know how to react. It was obvious that she liked me. I turned my head and looked at her. We sat like that for a while until we both built up enough curage to lean in at the same time. Slow and obsrvant of the other not to do anything wrong. I closed my eyes as our lips met for the second time. The first eternity only included lips. The second eternity included hands on chins or necks. I entered the third eternity with the desire to move in and manouver us in horisontal mode on the bench. This is where my daydream ended for a while. I had forgotten about the crowd around me. If they saw any hints of sexual fantasies in my wideopen mouth/closed eyes/silent moan I don't know.

Later, when I got back to my daydream, I had been invited to my missing love's home. I made dinner and she told me she wanted to serve the dessert. I didn't suspect anything because no one has ever offerd any dessert that wasn't dessert. She asked me to stay and gave me pj trousers to kill every lame reason for me to go home. I stayed and we lounged back in the sofa, still fully clothed. As the evening went on we got closer and more physical until the point where we were laying next to eachother while watching tv and talking a bit.

Silence. Eyes locked on eachother. She turns her head to me as her eyes wander from my eyes to my lips. Back and forth. We lean in at the same time and the same butterfly kiss as before is shared.

"I decided to serve dessert" she said into my mouth. "I hope you like it".
"I love it" I mumble with a smile, not breaking the kiss.

Slow licks and sucking on lips. Tingling stomach. Warm hands on my neck. She rolls on top of me and I shiver of pleasure when I feel the preassure of her body against mine. Her heart is beating faster. Racing mine. I pull at her clothes in the same pace as our sensual and slow kisses. I want this moment to last. My hands reach her skin. Her back is so soft. Warm and lovely. I strip off her sweater as she remove my shirt. Her breast fits perfectly in my hands. Nipples hard as tiny rocks. I break the kiss and move down to her neck. She's in my lap now. Leaning slightly back to expose her collarbones better. I'm surprised that her body has the same spring tan as her face and hands. Gorgeous.

I give her red marks all over her right side of the neck. When she look at me her shoulder lengthed hair drapes the shoulders and give her face a mischeivous look. She has me down on my back faster than I have time to react. My jeans are unbuttoned to the dance of her lips over my stomach. Eons or split seconds later, I can't tell, she's in my jeans ... although they've been removed. I love her tongue working on me. Working at the gate to sucess. Sending shot after shot through my body until I decide it's my turn to send her on her journey. Guide her from inside.

A pity she's turned into a daydream and nothing more.

I went to the only woman I know I can talk to. A woman I shouldn't go to. I just had to see her. She's the only one I feel I can talk to and not have a half hour debate with. I knew I shouldn't have gone to her. She's... she thinks she's in love with me. I have assured her that's not how I feel about her. I've tried to talk some sense into her. Asking her to focus on other women. Anything to get her thoughts off me.
I went to her for advice. Everything was too much for me at the moment. We sat in her room, next to eachother and she tried to cheer me up. It only made me more miserable. I started sobbing. Telling her about how everyone just ... gather up on me and that I couldn't take it for much longer. My tears were burning on my cheeks as she put her arm around me and told me things will be alright and that I should focus on the good things. In a moment of my weakness she put her hand on my cheek and kissed me. I was too weak to protest. But... strangly enough... something in me didn't want to let go. She was so gentle. Never forced me. I felt like a vounerable child being protected in her arms. I sobbed little moans into her mouth. Then common sense struck me and I pushed her away. She got upset and apologized for behaving so badly. I was crying and told her she never should've done that. I ran out the door but had to stop right outside to get my dignity back. How dare she kiss me like that? Take advantage of me when I'm at the bottom, trying to get back up but being pushed further down all over again. Can't believe she did that. I stood outside her door for a short moment trying to get a hold of myself. I even felt my lips to see if it was for real.

Now I don't know what I feel. How I feel. I can't take the silent, blaming looks from the staff much longer. And this wedding... I'm not sure if I can go through with it. I've been thinking the last few days. My partner feels like ... someone else. I don't feel happy around him like I used to. But how can I tell him I don't want the wedding? What reason should I give him? Even if I did have a relationship with this woman it would never survive. Not during the circumstances. She's... and I'm... I'm scared. Scared to admit what I'm feeling. I smile more when she's around but that could hardly count as ... being in love. Can it? No it can't. Damn her.

But she's the only one I can confide in.

...dreams... it's what keeps one alive in a shithole like this. I'm on my third cigarette for the evening. Anything to calm down and relax. It's been a rough couple of months. Got my life taken away from me for protecting my girlfriend. A couple of months later she dumps me. I thought something was going on since she never answered the phone when I called. She said it was tough on her not having me around. I said it was tough on me too. She didn't seem to believe me. She asked if there's anyone I fancy in this place. I said yes to make things easier for her. Why did I even bother?

But things changed gradually. The blonde bitch set me up and I got the strip and the iso. One day I'll get to her.
The new Miss heard of it and said it would never happen again. She's been trying to be my friend ever since. At first I told her kindly to fuck off. But then the unexpected happen. I did something that would've been "rewarded" with two weeks iso. Instead, I got a warning. Puzzled me to say the least. Add encuragement and sugesting taking classes, being put on enhanced and you got one confused woman. Why this special treatment? Why the "I'm trying to help you"'s? Everyone in this place knows I'm a lesbian.
Of course I thought the obvious. She likes me. Beyond friendship.

Then, one day, after garden class, she comes along to chat. Her attention is drawn to the male teacher and in an arrey of words he says they should head home and that he'll be cooking dinner. I must've looked pretty confused cause she apologised on the behalf of her partner. My eyes flickered and I left them with a "You learn something new every day". Later that day she came up to me to ask what was wrong and why I was behaving the way I was. As if she didn't know. So I showed her. With her hand on...oh my lord. Why did I do that? She... looked at me in horror and ran off.

Things escalated and almost got out of hand. I've been trying to help her but all she does is twist it to make it look like I enjoy hurting her. In a moment of lack of common sense, or of complete instinct if you will, I kissed her. She had come to me, not as the Miss. She had come as a friend in need of help. In need of advice and maybe even support and comfort. I don't know what I was thinking. I held her and kissed her. She didn't protest. Not at first. She then pulled away and at that moment I knew what I had done was wrong. I didn't have to tell her. But I did. I appologized and cursed myself for ruining everything. All I want is for her to be happy. Preferably with me. I blew it. Although I hate to admit it, I still tried to help her. One of the women tried to O.D and when Miss confronted me in an angry state, all I could do was to give in to my feelings and tell her I did what I did to protect her. I hate being that weak. But it's the truth. I'd do anything to protect her.

After that things have been really off. She's been avoiding me at all cost. I saw her in the library and she turned away from me. She couldn't look at me. It's hard to care about her the way I do and yet... have the hard exterior that I have. I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to be toyed with either. She needs to decide what she's going to do. She didn't look well though. I bet my behaviour has made her question things. She confessed she had a hard time dealing with this. This meaning what I feel for her.

Today I got a surprise. We all did. Her partner showed up outside the complex and when Miss confronted him he threw what looked like his keys on the ground. I was gawking while the others where screaming and shouting at them. I couldn't believe what I saw. She looked at all of us in the window as he left. What if...? Yeah... I think she did. By the look of his face she must have broken up with him and he came here to show us all. Show me. Where does that leave me? Do I have a chance or not?

The girls have quieted down now. Gives me a chance to think. Interesting times, indeed.

People come and go. People glance at me from the other side of the street. I try to keep me warm by moving on the same spot.

"Yes. I listen to music. Do you mind?!"

It's the same every night. Every time I'm there. I wait for you. I know you will not be there. Yet, I wait. Wait patiently for a glimpse of you. People start conversations. Some makes me laugh or just smile. It's just for show though. Hapiness is temporary. But... what would I do if you did show up? I don't know. Mind is braver than Body. I know what I'd want.

5'8 walking towards me. Wawy, reddish brown curls and a soft smile. I've missed that. No words. Only lips and crisp air. Smoke escapes our mouths each time we start a new kiss. I can't see the people on the bus. I don't really want to. All I want to look at is you. Blue eyes focused on me. I correct your scarf and smile. You're so beautiful.

I rub my eyes. I'm tired now. My eyes focus on the night once again. I'm alone as always. My bus is here and I get on and forget you. Until next time I'm on the same street, waiting.