Fanatism



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You see me looking and I look away - only to look back a few seconds later. I hear you speak to the one at the other end; still smiling. It's a sweet voice you have.
You're walking back and forth with your beige bag on your shoulder. You've just recently left work. Something service-like the blue shirt indicates. The logo at the back is unreadable due to your walking. I bet you work at some restaurant or pub. Something cool. Something that require wearing a blue shirt, black, neat trousers and black shiny shoes.

Your hair is cut short. Shorter than mine it seems. I wonder what it would be like to pull my fingers through it. Feel your curly, dark brown hair as I look into your deep brown eyes. Yes, I have noticed your brown eyes. Even though I'm standing a short distance away.
It's a fair face I'm looking at. Distinct feminine cheekbones enhance it. Sweet and innocent like a little boy. But you're not. You're not a little boy. Not an ordinary boy. You look so good in those thick, big ear rings. Sparkling like your eyes. No boy would wear ear rings the way you do.

You walk towards me and then turn around again. You've been doing that for as long as I've been looking. Occationally our eyes meet. I wonder if by any chance one of your parents are arabic. You look so much like someone I once knew. I still have the photo. The 5th grade photo. I'll save it to be able to remember you.

Next time I look at you, you're on your way to the booth at the far end. You are no longer talking on the phone. I want to move closer to you. Want to see you. Again.

And again.

And again.

I'm hoping you will be on my bus so I can keep resting my eyes on you. A bus arrives. Number seven. I don't see you anywhere. The panic kicks in. Have I lost you. I don't want to loose you. Not yet. I'm not ready to loose you.
I desperately look around. Finally I see you. Onboard bus number seven. I miss you already. You lean your head at the window as you talk to a guy next to you. I marvel over how great your hair look from behind. Neatly shaved close to your neck. You look to your left and I get to see the outlines of your cheeks once again. Next to your ear rings they look exquisite. I want to kiss your neck. From behind. I'd like to kiss your neck as you lean your head back at my shoulder. I want you to be my boy. I want you to be my boyish girl.

The boyish girl hurting my eyes.

My eyes wander back to the road. "Where am I?" I turn around to look in the other direction. My boots stirr up the dust and drape themselves in it. The road stretches equally far as it does in the first direction. I move my lips to the side and a 'smack' point out the shitty situation I'm in.

There's no signs around giving any hint of where I am or where the road leads. "Texas" I guess. "In some deserted part of the state."
I turn my head and look into the first direction again.

"Which way am I supposed to take? Which is the right direction? What happens if I pick the wrong one? I'll be stuck in nowhere forever, won't I?!"

There's a dusty road leading straight to another 'nowhere'. A shortcut perhaps. Shortcuts usually end up being a 'slowcut'. It never fails to be true.
I put my hand in the pocket of my dusty jeans, still pondering which way to go. It's still pretty warm. My blue & white checked, flannel shirt is enough at the moment. The slight wind play in my hair as I swing my denim jacket over my shoulder and begin to walk in the direction away from the mountainpeaks. I don't know if it's the right way but I truly hope so.

Everytime is almost the same. Like we haven't seen eachother in days. We stand there for a couple of minutes absorbing oneanothers feelings. Each time ends with a few kisses and a deap breath.

There are times I sit in the sofa, relaxing with my head leaning on the back. I'm so far off in my own empty little world that I don't notice you until you're crawling up in my lap. Thighs on both sides of mine. Your torso press against mine and I wish we could turn into one being. I put my arms around your waist and feel yours around my neck.

I love your kisses. So gentle. So soft.

I love the way we breath and moan in chorus. Like we are one being. I want to stay like this for ever. Feeding on your amazing kisses. Playing with your tongue. All I can say is wow.

You make me feel wow!

I sat there, in my own thoughts, looking at the dog charge, then stop in front of the toy to provoke it to jump at him. It didn't. He attacked it while jumping in circles; shook it and threw it away only to attack once more.

-He's nuts, she said as she shut the door.
-So I've noticed. I said smiling.

She sat down on the top step behind me; legs on either side of me and put her arms around my neck.

-He's six years old but he acts like a puppy, she said into my ear.

Her breath stroked my cheek and I remember smiling. I leaned back, towards her torso and let her arms embrace me. I sunk into her warmth.

We had been close before, but it was always on the fine line between friendship/relationship. Friendly touches but daring enough to show how we felt. This was one of those times.

We sat there watching the dog fool around on the lawn. I rested my arms on her thighs, stroking my fingers on the area next to her knees. She leaned her head close to mine and whispered loudly...

-Mum will be gone for a few hours. ...in case you'd like to know.

I snapped out of my trans instantly. I turned around and looked at her to see if she was serious. Her brown eyes looked back at me more seriouse than ever. She opened her mouth a bit as if to get prepared for my response.

I wanted to ask her if she wanted me. If she really wanted me but I couldn't get a sound out. Her hand on my cheek answered all my questions.

We shared our first kiss. The most amazing kiss ever.

I felt the tension leave me for each lip movement. Her tongue brushed against the insides of my lips. For the first time did I feel what a kiss really was about. Butterflies emerged in my stomach and a bolt of lightening shot through my body, sending sparks to every part of me. As the kiss intentified I put my hand on her cheek and then moved it to her neck.

I don't remember how long we sat there kissing. I do remember the voice breaking it up.

-I see you're enjoying yourself.

Her mum.

She was back sooner then we thought. I looked at her only to look at the ground the next minute. I had this increddible aching feeling in my stomach. The one you get when you've done something you shouldn't have done. My girls arms tightened a bit around my shoulders. She comforted herself when comforting me.

Her mum smiled a mysteriouse smile and I couldn't help but to wonder what she was thinking.

-Perhaps you can help me in the kitchen, she said to my girl. ...after you've finnished it off with my daughter-in-law.

My eyes had wandered back to the ground to avoid the disapproving looks from her mother. As soon as I heard her I looked up at her in shock. I couldn't believe my ears. I remember searching for signs that would reveal her true feelings about us.

She saw my scepticism, and as she walked passed us she said 'You're everything I want in my daughters partner', as she put her hand on my head and ruffled my hair. I couldn't believe it. Neither did my girl. I sunk back into her warm embrace and smiled. My girl giggled and I turned my head to look at her. We both laughed and cuddled some more.

Who said parents don't understand.

I feel the slow beat of the music settling in my chest. My heartbeats pick up the pace. I feel your presence around me. It makes my heart beat steadily, yet lets it race itself to the finish line. I feel the cushions sink next to me. First the left side. Then the right. I smile and let out a content, purring sound.

My hips are trapped under you. Though you're considered a small woman you have quite the weight to keep anyone bound to you.
I feel your scent radiating from your hair. Your body. Even your clothes. A summer meadow. A bright summer meadow with all sorts of flowers. Lavender. You smell like lavender. And those white petite flowers I can never remember the name of.

Your touch. Oh, your touch feels like a physical whisper. Caressing my body. My chest. My belly. Filling my body with your warm touch. I do not dare to open my eyes. I want to but I know it would take away all the mystery.

I want to look into your hazel eyes. See them shine only for me. I want to see if your lips really are as close as they can be without touching.
My mouth is prepared. My lips are ready to feel yours. Feel your tongue violate the boundaries. Trespassing the beyond.

You hesitate.

I open my eyes only to see the image of you melt into thin air and join the pale sunlight shining through my livingroom window.
It's just another day without you.