Fanatism



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I read this in 2001 and fell in love with it. Amazing!

Shadows hide my fear, and I have forgotten what the outside world contains. I am in the moment, the past does not dwell in my soul nor does the future knock at my door. I am with her, she that I have longed for, she that I love. The night hours have left us alone, alone and free. I am close to her. The sweet aroma of her body surrounds me, and I take in each breath as though it could be my last...

We lay side by side on the floor of my room, the lights are no more, and the door is closed. Sometimes we would enjoy wrestling; this was to be one of those times. I rolled on top of her, pining to the floor, and the vampire game would begin. I loved this game so. It gave me a chance to become more intimate with her, without her becoming afraid that I was a lesbian. I would caress her neck with my lips, sending both of us to a place far from the world. We had played this game many times before, and I would look forward to each time we would play again. It brought no fears of being a lesbian, because it was only a game...or so I thought.

Her beautiful eyes stared up at me; I leaned down to kiss her neck. From her neck I proceeded to her forehead, and her cheeks. Then the other side of her neck where my lips would have to cross over hers, but high enough so they would not touch. I could feel her breath escaping her lips, and I grew jealous that the air was able to kiss her lips, yet I would never be able to. I kissed her neck and her shoulder. Then I was really to go back to the other side. I went slowly, just as before...but not high enough. Our lips brushed against each other. A surge of emotions ran rampantly throughout my body, and a barrage of questions began stampeding into my mind. Yet one thing stood out above everything, and that one thing bombarded my thoughts each second the next day.

OH my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my GOD. OK, it's ok...ok, um...breathe. BREATH! (I had to remind my body of the necessity of oxygen to my over worked brain.) I want to kiss her...I want to kiss her. Does she want to kiss me? Was that an accident? Did I do that or did she? Oh God I hope there is a sleepover tonight, but will she kiss me? Was I dreaming? No, NO I was not dreaming. Maybe it was a mistake...but I don't want it to be a mistake...

Shadows hide my fear, and I have forgotten what the outside world contains. I am in the moment, the past does not dwell in my soul nor does the future knock at my door. I am with her, she that I have longed for, she that I love. The night hours have left us alone, alone and free. I am close to her. The sweet aroma of her body surrounds me, and I take in each breath as though it could be my last. I was close enough to share her breaths of air with mine. Our faces so close together, and mine paralyzed in place. The short distant that our lips had between each other was too far a distant for me to reach. I would not make the first move, because she was more important to me then the kiss. I would not loose her. And then it happened...our lips touched, and remained. The soft texture of her lips had found their way, and their moist exterior softly pressed against mine. My heart and soul melted into hers.

Seven years ago I met this girl. We were young and I had just moved to a new town. Then we grew up, drifted back and forth between each other, as friends. I went through many hardships, not with others but with myself. I had trouble loving myself, so if not love then hate. Some wounds have faded but the emotional, I suppose, will always lingering in the back of my mind. I would find myself attached to one girl at a time. The first one I moved away from, the second I scared off with the wounds I dealt myself, and the third told me what she thought of me. At least she could have done it alone and not in the presence of our pastor's wife. But go figure.... She told me that I was around too much, that she was uncomfortable with me being too intense. And why don't I want to go out with boys? So that was the end of her, but if she every needed me then I was there for her. Which I was there for her during her surgery...who were the two people there for her? Why her boyfriend and me. And yes, I can't help but be a little pissed over that. She crushed my heart between her hands.

Then I decided against girls my age. They couldn't seem to deal with me. I began writing a teacher of mine, who is now a friend. I would ask her and tell her things that I would not entrust to anyone else. It was in her class where I began to think about homosexuality. I even wrote a report on it after reading the Color Purple. Then I began reading up on it in the Bible, and other different sites on the Internet. I wasn't sure why I was so interested about it. I was only attracted to these girls as friends, right? Then I began debating a pastor about it being right or wrong. No one won. Where was this sudden interesting coming from? At church it was wrong and anyone that thought otherwise was looked down on. My teacher was always willing to give me both sides of what I wanted to know, so I could make up my own mind on the matters at hand. She is a very open minded person...someone that I greatly looked up to, and yes I had a crush on her.

Anyway, I saw what the close minded could offer me, so I choice to look for both sides of the coin. And my decision to become more liberal left me without a few friends, but I could not and would not look down on people because of who they feel in love with. For some reason I had gotten the idea that God is love, maybe all those years at church. And I couldn't believe that that very line was forgotten if two people of the same sex fell in love together. I still can't see why loving someone is wrong, but apparently some people can't deal. And I always find it amusing that soul mates has anything to do with sexes, because I don't believe that a soul has a sex. To me the physical world is obviously there, but there is more to the world then just the physical aspects. Maybe one day we could all look past what we see, and go with what actually matters...love. So now I have gotten completely carried away with myself.

Then, after all this my seven-year friend came into the picture even more. We became really good friends in the fall of 1999. In December I was allowed to take a friend with me to my grandparent's house, it was her. We had to share a room, oh darn. They asked if we would sleep together, I said yes, she said she would sleep on the floor, so my mom and grandmother put another bed in the room. (Remember this is when we are only friends) We spent all the time together. We would talk about role-playing vampires on long walks together by the canal, go see the cows down the road, and play with the dog. At night we would get ready to go to bed, maybe wrestle around. I took the small rollaway bed, and she the large queen sized bed. Then, with the lights out and the door closed, I would ask if it would be ok if I slept next to her in her bed. I just wanted to be close…

Only recently have things become more clear in my mind. One night I played "honey if you love me, just smile" with her. It's just a game where you use a sexy voice, or act silly in order to make the other person laugh. And I was very good at the game. She told her father of the game, and the way I acted when trying to make her smile. I didn't do much…really. I would crawl to her, with a seductive look on me face, whisper in her ear, and she would laugh. And it was then that they both learned something about me that I wouldn't learn for a while. This girl knew about me. And she wanted me before I even knew. She brought in the vampire thing, and the neck thing. I played right into it. She had our lips brush. And she kissed me. She would watch me carefully to make sure she was going slow enough for me, so she wouldn't scare me away. And the whole time I didn't have a clue. God I love her.

To clear a few things up…I am 19, and that was my first kiss. Her parents have known for a while, and my friends figured it out. My parents kind of know, but I can't tell them yet. Things will get harder if I do, and I can't have that now.