* * * *
I LIKE pink fluffy bunnies!
Pink fluffy bunnies are CUTE!
* * * *

*Shelti is holding a bazooka. Stick is holding a bow and arrows. There is a nuclear arsenal in the background.*

Shelti: Well, I think we're as ready as we'll ever be.

Stick: Yeah, and if things get bad, I can always open up a hole in the ground. Like I did with Yoehoij.

Shelti: You WHAT?? *sobs* My precious Yoehoij!

Yoehoij: Yes?

Shelti: AAUGHHHH!! MARY-SUE!!! *shoots Yoehoij*

Yoehoij: *dies*

Stick: Well, that was redundant.

Shelti: ^_^ And the best thing is, she always comes back! Great stress reliever, killing Mary-Sues.

Stick: Erm … okay. Anyway … um…

Shelti: *nudges Stick* *whispers* Introduce yourself.

Stick: Oh yeah! I'm Stick!

Shelti: And I'm Shelti!

Stick: Who's the guest again?

Shelti: *grins* Well…


*Random people drag in … a leg-less Elf.*

Shelti: Did you say Legolas or leg-less?

Stick: LEGOLAS!!!!! ^_______^ I don't care, he's still my love bunny.

Legolas: o.O Can I have my legs back?

Shelti: Sure! *waves hand and Legolas' legs appear*

Legolas: Thanks.

*a loud scream from offstage*

James: *runs in* HEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!

Stick: What?

James: *panting* Fangirls. Back there. Squee-ing.

Shelti: And to think, he's in charge of security.

Stick: *rolls eyes* Come on, fuzz-boy --

*everything stops*

James: Fuzz-boy?

Shelti: That's new.

Stick: Yes, fuzz-boy. *cracks knuckles* Let's go hunt some fangirl.

Shelti: *coughOLDJOKEcough*

*Stick and James walk backstage*

Shelti: Looks like it's just you and me now, Elfy.

Legolas: *in shock* Where … am … I?

Shelti: You're on The Huggbees Show!

Legolas: What's The Huggbees Show!?

Shelti: It's where Stick and I take people like you, and … FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS!!!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legolas: O.O

Shelti: So, I'm gonna ask you a question now. Do you want me to cut your hair? Or something? With that long hair, you look like a GIRL. In fact, you look like a girl a lot. You walk like a girl, and nance like a girl, and you wear dresses! Not as much as Elrond, true, but … I SAW YOU WEAR THAT DRESS IN RIVENDELL!!

Legolas: I wear my hair in the Elvish style and … HEY! I DO NOT ACT LIKE A GIRL!!

Shelti: Yes you do.

Legolas: I act like an Elf, thank you very much.

Shelti: Sooo… All Elves are girly?

Legolas: HEY!

Shelti: *sings* Girly girly girly!

Legolas: HEY!!

Stick: *walks back in* What'd I miss?

Legolas: *points at Shelti* *indignantly* She just insulted the whole Elven race!


Shelti: Hey, watch it, busters. Must I remind you I'm omnipotent? I could blink and blow you up. Or … *grins evilly* SUBJECT YOU TO YOUR GREATEST FEARS!!!

Legolas: Like what?

James: *walks on, dragging Yoehoij* Yo. *walks off*

Legolas: NOT HER!!! ANYONE BUT HER!!!!

Stick: SHELTI!!!!! GET HER AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!!!

Shelti: Already did.

Stick: I will KILL you if you try torturing him with her.

Shelti: *warningly* Remember … blink and blow up.

Stick: Remember … try it and I'll strangle you.

Shelti: Remember … immortal.

Stick: Hey, just like me and Legolas! That makes us a perfect couple! *hugs Legolas and sits in his lap* I'm better now.

Legolas: o.o Umm… Could you get off my lap please?

Stick: Okay! *climbs off Legolas*

Shelti: *pulls out a card* Here's a question from --

Leap of Fate: *runs on* LEGGY!!!!!!!!! Can I take you home and hug you and stroke you and cuddle you?? YOU'RE SO PRETTY!!!!!!

Legolas: o.O Umm…

Stick: *hangs on to Legolas* NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!!!

Leap: *grabs Legolas* I want him! He's mine!

Stick: MINE!

Leap: MINE!

Stick: MINE!

Leap: MINE!

Shelti: *brandishes Anakin's lightsaber* BREAK IT UP!!!!

Leap and Stick: *shut up, let go of Legolas, and glare at each other*

Shelti: Leap, we gotta get on with the show now.

Leap: All right. Bye Legolas!!! *walks off, blowing kisses at Legolas*

Shelti: *gets out a pad of paper and a pencil* Auction … Legolas … after … show…

Legolas: WHAT??

Stick: Grr.

Shelti: *hands Stick a card*

Stick: Kala asks, "Is there something going on between you and Arwen?"

Legolas: NO! There is nothing between us! Arwen's the wife of one my best friends! I would never cheat on Aragorn!

Stick: You would WHAT???

Legolas: I said I'd never cheat on Aragorn.

Stick: o.o When you say that … it sounds like … there's something going on … between you … and Ara --

Legolas: NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!! I meant there's nothing between me or Arwen. Or Aragorn.

Shelti: *thinks about that* *falls over laughing*

Stick: -.-

Shelti: *jumps up* WHEE!!! BUTTONS!!!!!!

Everyone: O_O …

Legolas: I really am scared now. You are scary.

Stick: Who? Lil old me? *looks innocent*

Legolas: You … and her. *points to Shelti, who at the moment is rummaging through a closet that appeared out of nowhere*

Stick: I'm not scary, just a little obsessive.

Shelti: *pulls out a red rubber dress* Got it!

Stick: What in Mordor's name is THAT?!

Shelti: A red rubber dress.

Stick: I can see that, I was being lazy in my choice of words… what is it for?

Shelti: *grins evilly* Let's go to a commercial!


Some Random Fangirl: I wish I had Legolas with me to cuddle. I wonder if there's a place I can get Legolas.

Voice: There is! It's called … THE LUST OBJECT AUCTION!

SRF: What's that?

Voice: Where you can bid for your lust object, of course!

SRF: Really? Where can I do it?

Voice: Right after The Huggbees Show! Just offer something, and you may get your very own Legolas! And it doesn't have to be money.

SRF: I offer two chickens!

Voice: The Lust Object Auction! Buy YOUR VERY OWN Legolas today!


*Legolas is now WEARING the red rubber dress.*


Shelti: *grins* Put him in a red rubber dress. Doesn't it make you feel pretty, Leggy?

Legolas: Actually … yes.

Stick: Leggie! Take it off this instant!

Shelti: PG, Stick.

Stick: Not in that sense! *holds up a sheet in front of the elf so the audience can't see* take it off right now!


*Legolas is no longer in the red rubber dress.*

Stick: Rubber is damn hard to get … whoops, PG! Ahem, anyway, do we have a next question?

Shelti: *checks notes* Will you marry me … will you marry me … marry me, Legolas … marry … marry … marry … here's one!

Stick: It's not an offer for NC-17 activities is it?

Shelti: "Is there something going on between you and Gimli?" HEY!!! MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GIMLI IS DEFINITELY STRAIGHT!!

Legolas: We. Are. Friends. Not. Partners. I. Am. Single. For. The. Last. Time.

Stick: Any guy who plaits his beard chunkily and messily, CANNOT be gay. Mind you, you can't tell the difference between dwarf men and dwarf women, so who knows what's going on down in them caves ^_~

Shelti: Who asked that, anyway? The Potter formerly known as -- WHY THAT LITTLE FANGED [BEEEEEP]!!! I'LL KILL HIM!!!

*runs offstage*

Stick: Umm, okay, it's just you and me now, Pointy-ears. So ummm *shifts through notes, trying desperately not to ask anything above the PG rating* this is a personal question, from moi, how comes you use all your arrows in one scene, then have a full quiver-full the next? That's just too tricky for even the Elves. Explain.

Legolas: I stole the Orcs' arrows.

James: *running across the stage* That makes sense! *glances behind his shoulder* I WAS KIDDING!

Stick: But they're always Elven arrows, Orcs don't use elven arrows. I can see when you're lying, Legolas, don't underestimate me.

Shelti: *dashing after him* I DON'T CARE!! *both run off*

Shelti: *pokes head in* They were Elven arrows?

Stick: Arf! Sort it out will you! I'm busy! And yes, yes they were.

Shelti: Oh. *disappears again*

*sounds of someone being grabbed by the collar*

Stick: So, Mister Smarty Elven Pants, explain that one.

Legolas: Ummm … well … you see … erm … when was that?

Stick: In Moria, your arrows were almost completely spent, yet when we see you run out of Balin's tomb, you have a full quiver again. You would have had absolutely no time to collect more arrows, be they orc arrows or retrieving your own arrows from the bodies. How did you do it?

Legolas: Ahhh … that. More than one quiver. Like a spare tire.

Stick: We never saw you carry one, you only ever had one quiver. *drums fingers on the arm of her chair waiting for an answer from the Elf*

James *offstage*: Gwall!! All right! All right! I give! No more Gimli jokes!

Shelti *also offstage*: Good! *walks on* Invisible quivers!

Legolas: Umm … no.

Stick: Then how did you do it? Spit it out, Elf-boy.

Legolas: I stuck it in Gandalf's hat.

Shelti: ^_^ That hat had to be good for something!

Stick: *looking suspicious* How come we never see it?

Legolas: The hat?

Stick: The extra quiver, you dumb blonde!

Shelti: Go Stick!

Stick: Go me!

Legolas: It was in Gandalf's hat. I told you.

Stick: LIAR!!!

Legolas: I am not.

Stick: Are too!!!

James: *walks on* And you're not with Gim --

Stick: Uh-oh.

Shelti: *evil glare and flexes her fingers*

James: Shutting up. *runs off*

Stick: Okay, let's drop that one. One more question I think. Don't you, Shelt?


Stick: Do it or I'll shove your extra quiver where the sun don't shine. *glares*

Legolas: Huggbees. Why'd I say that?

Shelti: YAAAAAY!!! Okay, that's it for this episode --

Arfindel: *runs on* No! I still have to say it!

Stick: I think I've gone off him *nods towards Legolas*

Arfindel: We own nothing! Except Stick owns herself, and Shelti owns herself, James, and me. Other than that, nothing is ours! Go us! And DO NOT --

Shelti: -- DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT --

Arfindel: Use the review system to ask questions! E-mail them to us at sheltigrrl@hotmail.com! Thankies!! *runs off*

Shelti: *gets out her notepad* Do … not … feed … Arf … sugar…

Stick: Who's next on the list?

Shelti: *thinks for a moment* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!

Legolas: I'd like to go now.

Stick: No! I haven't had my fun yet. Dangling you over a pit of rabid fangirls! Mwuahahahahaha!!!!

Shelti: Of course you can't! We're auctioning you! So everyone, bid for Legolas! Chickens are good! So is cheese!

Stick: Chicken and cheese? You're crazy!

Shelti: I know. But don't be limited to just that! Bye everyone! Oh, and e-mail your offers for Legolas, too. Can't be too careful, you know.

Legolas: Help!

Stick: *drags Leggie off* Here fangirls, come get him!

Shelti: *waves bye-bye*

*Series of screaming noises*

Stick: Revenge is sweet. Buhbye! *waves*


A Note from Shelti:

Well, that was … interesting. This story has got to be one of the weirdest things I've ever written, made weirder by the fact that Stick is now co-writing it with me. Go read her stuff! Her penname's Aspiring Elf Girl, and she's on my Fave Authors list.

Thankies to everyone who has reviewed so far, and uber-thankies to Leap of Fate, for being the first one to read, review, and give a question, and she also is helping me with some other stuff, like who to get next and things. You got a cameo, Leap! Thank you thank you thank you!!

If you're wondering who James is, he's my character/muse, and stars in The Republic of Heaven series I'm writing. Although in that he's a lot more serious. THS is kinda where I get to let James be stupid and sarcastic and just plain strange. He's also loosely based on my friend Dan, which could explain some things… Yoehoij is a Mary-Sue I made up for this one story, and I'm debating if I should post that or not. Her real name's Yoehoijfklavnzxcoekkwlqpdfnc. ^_^ Kudos to you if you can pronounce that!