(Welcome back to the Theatre. Today we see Shelti come on, followed by the usual crowd: Jahari and Aku, or Screech, as he is now called. (Shelti changes her mind a lot.) They sit, front row centre, as usual.)

Shelti: New fandom today, boys.
Jahari: Oh, goody.
Shelti: Artemis Fowl this time.
Screech: ...Artemis Fowl? The one with the LEPrecons?
Shelti: Yup.
Screech: And this is a Suefic?
Shelti: Yep yep yep.
Jahari: To be expected, I suppose.
Snapdragon: *in the projection booth* Ready?
Shelti: Roll 'er!
Snapdragon: Ten-four, good buddy!

(The fic rolls.)


Shelti: Hi!

This my first ever fic. on Artemis Fowl.

Jahari: *blink* Random period...

I've also just read the two books recently but I loved it in an instant!

Shelti: ^_^ Me too.

Disclaimer: I obviously do not own Artemis Fowl and any of it's characters.

Screech: *monotone* Wow. Jee. Never would have guessed.

Poena is obviously mine.

Jahari: ...who?
Screech: XD THERE's an unfortunate name...

And no flames please!

All: HAH.
Jahari: They're so cute when they're naive.

"_" are speech

'_' are thoughts

Shelti: *spazzes* I hate it when people do this! WE CAN TELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.


Screech: A barbed wire fence. Shelti: Keeping the fic in and us out? Jahari: Keeping everyone in. Shelti: Nuuuu... Screech: You put it up. Shelti: The authoress did. Jahari: Shut up and read. Unable to Love Again

Screech: *gasp* He's a eunuch!

Chapter 1


Shelti: My face. ~_~

Artemis Fowl kept his eyes on the book he was reading.

Shelti: He had to glue them on, because they kept rolling off. Eyes roll, you know.

But his mind was somewhere else.

Jahari: Where? We don't want to know....

He had just received the news that Captain Holly Short has just been engaged... to Captain Trouble.

Jahari: *spaz* TENSE CHANGE! x_x;

(A/N: Is he a captain? If he's not, sorry. I forgot if he was/wasn't.)

All: He is.

Artemis shifted in his chair. He's already eighteen years old.

Jahari: *twitch*
Shelti: Oh, of course, he's of marrying age...

He has grown considerably.

Screech: Good to know...

His mother had been forcing him to interact with people from his age group but it just wasn't his cup of tea.

Shelti: Of course not! It's mine. ^_^ *gasp* ARTEMIS STOLE MY TEA. GIVE IT BACK, ARTY.

As he grew, he also realized that he had been feeling something different.

Shelti: His pants.
Jahari: His scales... which suddenly appeared.
Screech: His [censored].

He had also began seeing Captain Holly Short in a new light.

Shelti: A green one!
Jahari: She's radioactive?

He already thought of her as attractively pretty but as he grew, he noticed that she was irrisistably beautiful.

Screech: ...^_~

Actually, she still is in his opinion. Jahari: *twitch*

'But Trouble just had to win her before I even tried... Winning her should have been the most brilliant plan I have ever made...'

Shelti: Good grief, it sounds like she was a video game or something. Or a prize in a ringtoss.


Jahari: Apollo!

Artemis raised his head from the book

Screech: Oo; He DID glue his eyes to the book!
Shelti: That would hurt.

and in front of him stood Butler... his butler but more of a bodyguard. Butler was also his friend and companion.

Screech: Wink wink, nudge nudge.
Jahari: ...
Shelti: EW. Screech, don't DO that.

"What is it?" Artemis asked.

Jahari: Trust me... you don't want to know.

"Your mother wishes to see you," Butler said tonelessly.

Shelti: *blink* Butler the robot...

"Very well."

Artemis placed his book down and stood up. He sighed deeply.

Jahari: ...inhaling the toxic fumes coming from the open window. He suffocated and was poisoned all at once, and he DIED.
Screech: Okay then.

He knew this was going to be about attending another social event.

All: *monotone* Gasp.


Shelti: ^^ Swirly.

A girl about Artemis' age leaned back on the couch she was in.

Screech: (girl) Hey, I found the remote!

She was stroking a beautiful cat.

Shelti: ^^ Well, naturally, ALL cats are beautiful.

People would usually think of this as normal but there was something not ordinary.

All: *blink*
Screech: Huh?
Shelti: Just smile and nod...

The cat didn't look like usual cats.

Shelti: It was PINK!
Jahari: (Elle Woods) Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.

It was very beautiful and it had a blood red stone on it's forehead.

All: oO;
Shelti: Artemis Fowl the anime version.

It purred as the girl stroked it.

"Look Poena," the girl said to the cat.

Screech: XD Who names their CAT "Poena"?

A huge screen showed a large image of...

Shelti: A bunny!
Jahari: Carnage!
Screech: [censored]

...Artemis Fowl.

Shelti: She's a STALKER.

The girl smiled. "We'll see how good this boy is."

Screech: Kinky.


Jahari: Breakdancing! Do the worm...

Angelina Fowl stood in the centre of a huge room.

Jahari: Right underneath the chandelier. It fell on top of her and she DIED.
Shelti: Feeling morbid today?
Jahari: Just a little.

"Artemis, dear, listen. The two of us are going to attend a party later on..."

Screech: (Artemis) Will there be drinks?

Artemis sighed mentally. He knew it. He just knew it.

Shelti: Bit of a routine, there, eh?

"...and as to honour tradition, you shall chose a fiancee there."

All: WHAT?!


Shelti: Woah... just had the same reaction there. Weeeird...

The look Angelina gave didn't stop Artemis from gaping. He's just eighteen years old and he's going to chose a soon-to-be wife now?!

Jahari: *twitchy* Random tense switches!

He hasn't even recovered from the 'Captain Holly Short' incident yet!

Shelti: Oh, so first she's a prize, now she's just an incident? DID YOU LOVE HER OR WAS SHE JUST SOME CHEAP FUCK? EH? EH?!? Male chauvinistic pigs...
Both boys: O_O;

"You heard me Artemis," Angelina said gravely, knowing where this would go to.

Shelti: The grave?

"It's tradition in our family and some of the other... 'fortunate'... families.

Screech: Note how "fortunate" is in quotes there... Angeline doesn't think much of her son, does she?

I'm sure that all the girls are going to be lovely."

Screech: No boys? Aww.

Artemis stood stiffly.

Shelti: (Artemis, a la Spider-man) My back! My back!

He knew girls from... 'fortunate'... families.

Screech: There it is again.

He *doesn't* like them either.

Jahari: ARGH!

But he knew complaining won't help. His mother had one of those looks that meant her decision will not be changed. Not even a clever plan might get him out of this.

Shelti: So he goes to the ball. There we go. Moving on.

It is one of those rare times wherein Artemis Fowl the Second felt helpless.

Jahari: ...foreshadowing.
Shelti: That has so many implications I don't even want to THINK about it.

Seeing that his mother was waiting, he said," Mother, do I have to make the decision tonight?"

Shelti: Yes.
Jahari: No.
Screech: ...maybe so.

His mother's eyes softened a bit. "Of course not dear. You try meeting as much girls as you can tonight.

Screech: ...^_~ Whoo!
Shelti: -_-; You're HOPELESS.

Think it over and there would be another get- together. You have to make a decision there and act fast. There would be other young men there too."

All: ...
Screech: ...yes.
Jahari: Well, as long as it's not Artemis/Butler or Artemis/Root, I'm happy.

Artemis wanted to groan. Just his luck. If he was too slow in chosing, he might end up with an ugly and snobbish girl.

Shelti: *blink* Huh? How?

But he would just do this anyway for the sake of marriage, not love. His heart was already taken away by a certain elf.

Shelti: (Holly) AHAHA! IT'S MY HEART! ALL MINE!!!

"What time do we go?" Artemis asked helplessly.

Jahari: >=D Foreshadowing!

"We leave at 6:00," Angelina said, smiling. 'And I have a person in mind for you my dear Arty.'

All: ..eep.


Screech: There's that barbed wire fence again.
Shelti: o_o; Meep.

Please be nice! As I said, this is my first fic. on Artemis Fowl and I have just recently read the two books. This is also only the thrid fanfic. I have ever written so no flames please!

Jahari: *snort* Like THAT'll ever happen.

Kore Yan ^_^

Shelti: ...*twitchy twitch*