Cat-woman: Hi everyone! You probably already know me as Sheltigrrl Moonfire, though most people call me Sheltigrrl or just plain Shelti. *points to the boy* And this is my all-purpose muse, Jahari.
Shelti: Lately, I have been on a search for Mary Sue fics, because I'm going to do an experiment with the Sues. However, I soon discovered that several fics were REALLY REALLY BAD. Like this one. So, to blow off steam and keep my sanity, Jahari and I are gonna MST it, and other fics we find.
Jahari: Today's fic is Lord of the Rings. Since neither of us are from Lord of the Rings, this shall be a non-biased MSTing. Or... as non-biased as we ever get.
Shelti: Which is not exactly a whole lot, mind you. Should be fun. Ok, Tom, we're ready!
Tom: It will be fun seeing you two writhe in pain at the fic.
Shelti: Whatever, Tom. Just roll the thing.
(The lights go down and words appear on the screen.)
Jahari: Oh boy. Even the NAME is Sueish.
by Greenleaf Arrow
Shelti: *gets out a pad of paper and a pencil and starts keeping track of all the authors with the name "Greenleaf"*
Introduction This story is another version of the Lord of the Rings.
Shelti: I wonder if the PPC have seen this.
I know that it's been done before, but this is slightly different,
or at least in my opinion.
Shelti: That's what all Sue writers think. They are all WRONG.
What if a young elvish princess who is the ruler of Middle Earth,
Shelti: What? WHAT??
Jahari: Check the facts, Greenleaf Arrow! Middle-earth doesnt have a single ruler!! Jeez, even I know that.
Shelti: Well, your best friend is from Middle-earth.
Jahari: That's how I know.
normally stationed in the land of Silmador (the Land of Starlight)
(Silmador is a gigantic land filled with elves, dwarves and Eastron hobbits. It is where Rhūn is on the maps. It is c. 5.4x the size of Gondor and Mordor combined, and it's a really beautiful place... prettier that Rivendell...)
Jahari: Is there such a thing as Sueland?
Shelti: If there is, this place is it.
traveled to Rivendell for the Council of Elrond?
Shelti: The PPC would kill her, that's what.
This starts right before the COE... Enjoy! Oh, and just to let you know, I'll update a bit slowly... I have the story in my head, but it's not fully on paper or computer screen...
Shelti: I know how that feels.
hehe ^.^() And also, At the end of the fic, I'll explain all the stuff that I made up!
Shelti: Why? I just explain the stuff I make up within my fics.
Jahari: You're welcome.
R/R please! PLEASE! I don't care if you flame! Shelti: Good! Then we'll do it!
(Actually, I do.... Hehe ^.^())
Shelti: Then ... we'll still do it!
Jahari: Silvan? As in Elf? Why that little...
Chapter One: The Moramedor Seven
Jahari: Moramedor? *snickers*
"Wow!" was all that Legolas could say as Nimroch slowed to a stop.
Shelti: "Wow!"?? Why is Legolas saying "Wow!"? People didnt say wow in Middle-earth, and especially not Elves.
The handsome elf prince (A/N: keyword: Handsome)
Jahari: *authoress* H-A-N-D-S-O-M-E.
slowly took his eyes from the beautiful city of Rivendell to turn back to his horse.
Shelti: GAAH! I hate it when people do this! Rivendell is not a city! It's a house! A HOUSE!!! Ok, technically it's the house and the lands around it, but it's still not a city.
"Go on, boy. Go to Elrond's stables. They've got lots of food there."
Jahari: True enough.
He gave a small smile as his gleaming white horse trotted slowly down the road. As his smile got wider, he turned around and began to walk toward the House of Elrond.
Jahari: And this has to do with his smile ... how?
However, all of a sudden, seven beings appeared around him.
Their skin was a dull peach, a bit lighter than skin color. Each of them had a black scar-like mark over their right eye. The leader had two. Their hair was pitch black and very shiny. (Like those Japanese girls on anime shows)
Shelti: *covers her eyes* NOT ANIME!!
Jahari: I dont see why she had to tell us that.
Their eyes and lips were also an evil shimmering black.
Shelti: The Goths of Middle-earth!
They wore loose, long-sleeved shirts (black) and Baggy pants.
Jahari: *points* Look! Randomly capitalized words!
They all had heavy gold bracelets running up their arms, acting as armor. All of them wore a grey belt with a long sword in it. "Wha-What do you want?" asked Legolas.
Jahari: I think the real question is, WHO CARES?!!
Shelti: *snorts* First "Wow!", now he's stuttering? How un-Legolas-ly.
The leader, who was female, stepped forward. "Hello. My name is Windėmor.
Shelti: *writes on her pad of paper* Another weird name for the list.
I am the leader of the Seven Moramedorian
Jahari: *snickers* Oh, that's just funny.
warriors you see before you. We are from Moramedor,
the Upper Land of Darkness, from Upper Earth.
Both: *burst out laughing*
Jahari: UPPER Earth??
Shelti: Yeah, it's right next to Off-Center Earth! And then there's Lower Earth...
Jahari: ...Higher Earth...
Shelti: ...Not-Quite-As-High-But-Still-Pretty-High-Up Earth...
Jahari: ...As-Low-As-You-Can-Get Earth...
Shelti: I think that's called Hell.
Jahari: Where the Sues live.
We have come down here to greet our old friend, Sauron.
Shelti: (Legolas) Sorry, he's not here right now. Please leave a message after the beep. Beeeep.
We have also come to find the young elven princess, Eledhwen Chśhana. Do you know where either of them are?"
Jahari: Well, the Sue's gonna be here aaaany second now, and Sauron's in Mordor.
"I do not know where either of them are," replied Legolas.
Jahari: Jeez man, I just told you!
"Iguess we'll have to kill you, them." replied Windėmor.
Shelti: ...why? What did he ever do to you?
"Hallįmor, catch him."
Jahari: That should be easy. The guy's not moving.
A tall man stepped up and tried to grab the elf.
Jahari: Like I said, easy-peasy. Unless Legolas is covered in butter or something.
Before he could, someone grabbed him.
Shelti: It was THE GRIM REAPER, coming to TAKE HIS SOUL!!!!
An elvish girl grabbed both of Hallįmor's arms and pinned them to his sides.
She then picked him up and dropped him. She them proceded to take out an axe and chopped off his head. The elf proceded to chop off all of their heads, using both axe and sword. Finally, only Windėmor was left.
She took out a bow and quickly strung on an arrow. After muttering a few words under her breath, the arrow and bow suddenly burst into flame. She shot the arrow, but Windėmor moved out of the way. She was about to string another one, but Windėmor shot a series of icicles at her. She swiftly dodged out of the way. Instead of trying again with the arrow, she put her bow away and took out a short dagger. After whispering softly to herself, her dagger also burst into flame. She quickly flung it at Windėmor, but the dark fighter dodged it. However, as Windėmor was lifting up her sword, the mysterious elf yelled out, "Ampa he tuulo' I' n'alaquel, naur hyanda." And with that, the dagger struck her in her heart from behind. She moaned in pain as she slowly fell to the ground. Then, she died.
Shelti: Well, that was ... interesting.
Jahari: Can't say it wasn't kinda exciting, though.
Shelti: Better than "and then Legolas slayed all the orcs!!!1" No battle description in that story WHATSOEVER.
Jahari: *shudders* How can you HAVE a story like that?
Shelti: No idea. *writes in her notepad* Amazing battle skills ... check.
"That... that was amazing." stuttered Legolas. "How... How did you do that?"
Shelti: -.-;; More stuttering Legolas. Ugh.
"It's ancient magic. I uhave been doing it since the time of Sauron and before."
Jahari: Just how old is she?
"Who are you?"
Jahari: Good question.
"My name is Princess Eledhwen Vanyarda Chśhana,
Shelti: *writing in her note pad* ...Vanyarda Chuhana. Weird, way too long name that doesn't mean anything -- at least, I don't think it means anything ... check.
of the fair land of Silmador.
Shelti: *crosses arms* No such land...
I have traveled for many days, as I had to speak to King Thranduil of Upper Mirkwood.
Jahari: In Upper Earth.
Who shall you be?"
"I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, son of Thranduil.
Shelti: The Sultan of Swing! The Raja of Rumba! The Duke of Disco!
I owe you my life, Princess Eledhwen Chśhana. Yet, if you had to go to Mirkwood, why art thou here?" (A/N: I love using Old English speech. Sorry!)
Shelti: If thats true, why did Legolas say "Wow!"? Thats not an Old English word, last time I checked.
"I had to stop in Mirkwood before I came back to Rivendell for the Council of Elrond. You have been here many days.
Jahari: ...I thought he just arrived. You know, with the horse and everything.
The reason that the Ring has not departed is that Elrond has been waiting for me.
Jahari: Uh-HUH. Sooo... you're the Ringbearer, then? Shelti: Dont say that! *twitches*
I have just arrived on my noble steed, Arrow.
Shelti: *hisses* Self-insertion!
Jahari: She self-inserted herself as a HORSE??
I shall stay here until the Ring departs, for I shall go with it."
Shelti: *southern accent* Dahling, Dahling, you must take me with you!
"And you know this, how?"
"Have you used those sharp ears of yours not?
Jahari: Nope, sorry lady.
I am the princess of Silmador,
of the Fair city of Ainame. I am one of the ten elves created first by Ilśvatar.
Shelti: I'm sure that goes on the list of Sue traits, but I'm not sure how. *writes in her notepad* Created ... by ... Iluvatar...
I am the only one that has never married,
Jahari: Which leaves her options wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open.
and I am the only one that is still here today, aside from Elrond.
Shelti: *thinks* Odd. I thought he was a descendant of Luthien Tinuviel.
The elves of Silmador,
where we were created, have a way of seeing the future. That is why Elrond can also see. He is also from Silmador.
I know exactly what will happen, both to the ring and to thy people that depart with it."
Jahari: YAY! So, tell us what will happen then, rather than make us WORRY the whole way.
"Ah, so that is why Elrond is considered the wisest, nay?"
Jahari: *snort* Wisest. Yeah, right. Overprotective, overbearing --
Shelti: Dont forget bigheaded.
Jahari: Bigheaded, prejudiced, grudge-holding, ignorant imbecile.
"Yes, that is why. But truth be told, he is not.
Jahari: For once, the Sue gets it right.
I am the strongest and wisest of them all.
Jahari: What? WHAT??
Shelti: *writing* Strongest and wisest ... check.
For I am the one Ilśvatar created first. I was given the most power.
Shelti: *sniffs* If a Spirit created a bunch of creatures, she -- or he --would space power out evenly.
That is why Elrond waited for me. For my knowledge at his council."
Shelti: HE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!!! GO BACK TO YOUR NON-EXISTANT COUNTRY WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!!
Jahari: *with his hands clamped over his ears* And I thought he waited for her because she was going with the Ring.
She paused for a moment. "I have told you much, Legolas Greenleaf.
Jahari: *evilly* Too much ... heh heh heh...
However, you will learn much more tomorrow, at the Council. Lissenen ar' maska'lalaith tenna' lye omentuva."
Shelti: That better be real Elvish.
Jahari: It better be Quenya. I would expect an Elf like that speaks Quenya.
And with that, she called Arrow to her and rode off, leaving Legolas in wonder.
Shelti: And us in complete confusion, because by explaining everything, you only make it more obscure.
Jahari: *shrugs* It is only the first chapter. How many are there?
Shelti: Four, including the Intro.
Jahari: Well, let's get on with it.