I look at you there you sit in the sofa, so close together. He plays with your piercing. I canít help myself from smiling at you. My eyes meet yours over his head and you smile at me. I never have seen you this happy before.
You began to scare me. You were always drunk and you never did anything but destroying your life. The only thing that you cared about doing in a proper way was our shows. No one could see from the outside how bad you felt. But we at the inside saw all the time. And we were slowly dying with you.
I tried to talk to you tried to make you see what you were doing to yourself and to everyone else. But you refused to listen. I couldnít reach you. Through you drunken daze no one could reach your soul, not even me, who always been by your side.
It scared me how you faded away. And deep in my soul I could feel your pain. A pain I didnít know from witch source it came.
And at the same time as I couldnít reach you, I was the only person in the world you wanted to be around.í
- You canít go on like this! I gave you an angry look as you lied in your bed with a bottle of beer in your hand.
- Listen, I began, but stopped again as I didnít know what to say or how to start. You turned your face to the wall. I stepped forward and took the bottle from you, that finally caught your attention.
- You have to stop this drinking, canít you see that youíre ending up just like dad!?
- Give it back to me! you said thickly. I saw the pain grow in you eyes, you didnít want to face the truth, but you had to.
- No. I thought this tour was going to help you understand that you have to take care of yourself. But youíre just getting worse. You canít keep up this drinking, or you canít handle the shows anymore. It was like talking to al wall.
- Donít you see that youíre not just taking your own life, youíre taking my too. I canít live without you. I sat down beside you in the bed, but you just kept staring at the wall. Maybe I can help you, maybe it feels better if you talkÖ
- No, nothing it wrong! The fault is in your head, Joel. You rose yourself from the bed and walked out of the tour bus, at the way you grabbed the half- empty beer bottle, that I left standing at the table.
I throw myself back in the bed. It still smelt of you and of alcohol. I was too young for this, we were too young for this.
You care too much. If you didnít bother everything would be so much easier.
I let my feet lead the way, not caring were they took me. Just they took me away from your caring eyes. I can take care of myself, I donít need you to look after me.
Iím not surprised when I look up too se where my feet leaded the way. I opened the door and walked into the pub. It was pretty dark in there and the music was loud, as is should be. I made my way to the bar to order a beer. When I got it I walked away to a dark corner of the room and sat own at a table. I can see the whole bar from here, I can see everything that is going on. A guy that was standing between the bar counter immediately caught my attention. He is normal high, blond hair, dyed blond. His left arm lay so I could see it, it was covered with tattoos. The light was reflecting in the piercing in lower lip.
A girl came up to him. He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a kiss. I turned down my head and looked at my beer. He did this by propose.
Suddenly I was clearly awake. Something hit me in the chest, somewhere between the heart and the soul, a killing pain from inside. I scanned the bus to see if you had come home yet. But the only thing I saw was a peacefully sleeping Billy. What are you doing?
- Hey, Benj! Come over here, I called. You slowly came over to us, looking like you didnít want to.
- Have you talked to these guys before?
I thought that it would make you feel better to talk to new people. You shrug your shoulders, looking like you didnít care. But you sat down beside me, unwillingly.
Why do you do this to me? Did you plan it? Did you plan it together with him?
I could feel you nervousity. It was flowing through your skin over to my body. I can never understand you, why was you nervous? They was just another band at this tour, they seemed nice to me. You had never been nervous to meet new people before.
- This is Mest, I introduced them, just to have something to say. And this is my brother Benji.
- Yeah, I know, said the blond guy, whose name I couldnít remember right now. Iíve seen him around here before. He reached out his had to you.
You took his hand and shook it slightly, trying to keep distance. He let go of your hand and got back to talk to one of his band mates, I think his name was Matt. Or was it Jere? I donít know. Your eyes are still fixed at him. Suddenly you grab my arm.
- Come on, Joel. Letís go, you whispered.
I rise myself up.
- We have to go now, but it was nice to meet you, I said and gave you an angry gaze.
- Nice to meet you too, Tony said smiling at you. You didnít smile back, just walked away. Still grabbing my arm you almost dragged me with you.
- What are you doing? I asked as soon as we came out of sight. Whatís up with you and Tony?
You took a deep breath, like you were going to say something, but suddenly you changed your mind.
- Nothing, itís nothing.
- It is something, donít you think I saw how you acted? I know you, you donít do like this usually.
- No, itísÖ
- Why did we have to go than?
- Because I didnít want to stay.
- You could have left yourself, why did I have to follow? I think they were nice, I didnít want to leave.
- You shouldnít talk to them, they are not good for you.
- Why? What have they done to you?! I began to get really angry with you now.
- You fucking care too much! Never mind about that, just do as I say!
- No, not before you tell me whatís wrong.
- Nothing is wrong! angrily you walked, almost ran, away from me, leaving a sense of alcohol in the air. I turned around, youíre not going to destroy my social life too, Iím going back.
Oh, dear God, save me form this hell, save me from this pain in my heart. Save me from him!
Drunken as usual you staggered into the bus and woke us all up. I was still angry at you. I canít handle you living like this anymore. I crawled out from the bed. Screaming at you I throw your pathetic, drunk self out of the bus, effusing to let you in again. I took everything we had to drink with alcohol in it at the bus and poured it all out in the washing-up sink. Billy and Paul were pretending to be asleep, giving me their quiet support.
You are hurting them too, canít you see that? With a weird feeling of relive I crawled back into bed.
About an hour later I woke up, suddenly realising what I had done. I threw out my own brother, depressed and drunk, in the middle of the night. All by his own in a town I canít even remember the name of. The relive in my mind was now gone and instead it was filled with guilt.
I ran out to search for you. But you were nowhere to be found. When I finally came back inside were both Paul and Billy awake, both giving me questioning looks.
- Heís not out thereÖwhat have I done?
- Heíll be fine, Paul said. Itís just one night alone, heís no baby anymore.
- But he acts like oneÖ
- Yeah, and thatís he has to learn by himself that he isnít one.
- Youíre probably right, as usual. I gave him a smile and a hug before I got back to bed.
- Everythingís gonna be fine, I heard Billy mumble through the dark.
- YeahÖI mumbled back. Good night, I added a moment tater, love you both.
- Love you too, they said at the exactly same time. I couldnít help but giggling.
- There he is!
We had been looking for you the whole morning, and finally I found you. Sitting at a park bench with your arms around your legs, as if you were freezing.
- Benji! Where have you been? I heard Paul and Billy coming running after me.
Like you care
- You look awful. At the moment I said it I regretted it. But it was true.
Thank you so much. Just what I needed.
- Stop looking at me like that! Where have you been? We have been so worried about you!
- Please, Benji, talk to me!
You turned your back at me.
- Can you talk to him instead? I asked Billy, who was closest to me. He nodded and walked up to you and sat down beside you. But at the same time you rose up trying to walk away properly. But just a few meters away you fell to the ground.
It hurts. Everything hurts, my head, my stomach, my toesÖmy soul. The dark is coming closer. I canít see, I canít feel.
And all I can think about is him.
We laid you down at your bed. You were still unconscious. I sat down at the closest chair feeling like I was going to fain too.
- Come one, Joel, Billy said encouraging ruffled my hair. Itís your turn to panic later, we canít take care of you both at the same time.
I smiled at him, he was right. I rose and went over to my brotherís side. The smell of alcohol around him was almost choking.
We stayed by your side for hours. You were only waking up now and then to throw up, than you got back too sleep again. We tried to make you drink some water, but you didnít want it. You didnít want anything but to sleep. But your sleep was more peacefully now, if could be called peacefully.
In the afternoon someone shocked us by knocking at the door to the bus. I walked to the door and opened it.
- Hi? I answered, looking questioning at they guy on the other side of the door. He probably thought I looked like a fool, but I was so surprised to see him here. Of all people at this earth I wouldnít expect Tony to come to our bus.
- I was just wondering how Benjiís doing. I felt like a living question mark. How did he know that you didnít felt good? - I found him out tonight, he said, smiling at my confusion. So I let him sleep in our bus for a little while. But he didnít look too good when he left.
- Ok. Heís sleeping right now, so I guess heís doing better.
- Can I come in?
This was confusing, I have to talk to you when you wake up and get sober.
- This is Tony from Mest, I introduced him, and this is Billy and Paul. He wanted to know how Benji is doing.
Billy gave me a weird look, trying to ask if Benji knew this Tony. I shrug my shoulders. I began to doubt myself at this matter.
Tony looked around at the bus and then went straight to your bed. He sat down beside you, whispering something in your ear and gave your cheek a slight touch. I saw how your eyes opened a little, little bit, but when you saw who sat beside you, you immediately closed them again and turned to the wall. Tony rose up and came to us at the table. I looked at him, wanting him to explain all this.
- Can someone please tell me whatís going on? Billy asked.
- Yes, please. Yesterday Benji said he didnít know you, today you act quite friendly.
- I told you whenÖTony began but got cut of by you, who, at unsteady legs, ran into the bathroom again.
- I think we have to cancel the concert for tonight, Paul said when we all settled down again.
- Or we can play without himÖBilly said. Or maybe not, he added with a smile when he saw my face.
- I donít think I can concentrate for a concert anywayÖ
- I go and tell weíre not coming, Billy said while rising up.
- I come with you, if you want. They walked away. Now it was just me and Tony left, sitting at one side each at the table trying not to stare at each other. It was so much I wanted to ask that guy, but I didnít know where to start and besides, I had just talked to him one time before so I was to shy to ask him what I wanted.
- Well, I guess I have to go to prepare for our concert now, he said. But Iíll come back later to see how heís doing.
- Ok, I felt even more confused, if it was possible.
You woke up a while later, looking like you felt much better now. I came over and sat down beside you.
- Was Tony here, or did I just dream? you asked, still sleepy.
- Nope, he was here, and he said he will come back later. I raised my eyebrows, trying to ask you why you asked about him as soon as you wake up, but you just kept staring in front of you.
- Hey, Benji, youíre in love, arenít you?
You turned your face to the wall, but I saw how you blushed.
- Can I have something to drink?
- Sure, what do you want? Water, milk, juice?
- Donít we have something else?
- If you mean something with alcohol, I threw it all away. Iíll get you a glass of water.
- Fuck you!