Fuck Life

Ok have you ever noticed how most people talk about how hard their life is? It's weird because people will brag about how life has shit on them. I personally think that's fuckin stupid because I'd like to be able to say that everything is ok and that I am completely happy with the way things are going. See I have two things in my life that are perfect right now. My friendship with Rachelle and my family. I like to brag about how my parents are so much more fuckin cooler than yous and how my little brother can kick your little brother's ass anyday. Anyways so yeah I bet you 30 bucks if we were to argue how crappy our lives are I could beat you any fuckin day of my life.

You know something else that's funny? People suck no matter how hard you try to make it in this fuckin world there will be something there to tell you that you're not doing it right or that you're just not good enough. See that's why you like to stick around with people just liek you so that you're not going through that all alone. See now it's not just one person getting fucked with its five or six. But then when you get older and join a business a lot of times it becomes thirty or forty people. Now most of the time you would call these people friends right? I mean because they go through the same shit as you and because they try to help sometimes when you go through it. But me no I don't call them friends. I call them buffers. See you're like a bowling ball and the lane is your life. The gutters are the bad feelings in life and those things that cause them. Your "friends" as you will tend to call them are those long blue foam cylinders that bounce the ball, "you" back and forth across the lane making it easier to hit the pins, "your dreams" and succeed in winning the game,"the game of life." Ok so back to my point. Now these groups of people right they love eachother or care for eachother to some extent. Most of the time they may go out of their way for eachother but have you ever seen them do soemthing they would for a person of their own group for a person of another? Maybe some but in the long run they all just fuck with the other groups to put those people down. But then again sometimes they don't fuck with other groups because those other groups protect eachother too well. SO instead of attacking a group they attack a single person. They don't ask them to join the group or to hang with them to see if they like it no, they just fuck up that person's life merely because they're insecure about themselves and want to show off to their "friends." Like I said, people suck no matter what.

I once asked somebody if they ever felt like they were growing different from their friends and maybe it was time for a change and he said yeah plenty of times. He said that was part of growing up. I didn't think much of it at the time but after thinking about it for a while and you know he's right. Part of growing up is learning things and going through changes. Losing or gaining friends is all part of learning and changing. Change is not bad. And despite all your efforts to not learn in school or in life you will eventually. No matter how hard you try to run from those things that teach you responsibility you will trip and be caught in the end. And those who never trip are running their entire life. Those people = losers that nobody ever wants around. Of course they have their own little group of "friends" to uhm fuck eahcothers lives up.

I had somethign really good to write about today but I forgot what it was. Rachelle and I were discussing it on the way home. I figure I should improvise. Let's see. Have you ever noticed how when most young peopel like eahcother they can't talk to one another? They prance aorund all shy and they tell their friends they like the person obviously to get them to do something right? But when they do do something the person flips out. They run from the person or ignore them. I can understand that behavior if they are insecure and don't knwo if the other person likes them but when you do know they liek you wtf?! If you like the person adn they liek you why stay apart? Why act all "no don't get near me"? That's so gay. If I knew without a doubt that a guy liked me I probably would have fucked him by now. I shouldn't tell anyone that but who cares. SO yeah I just don't understand people when they do stupid stuff. I mean yeah ok I've acted liek that maybe twice before. But I learned and don't do it anymore. Some people just never learn I guess. You know while we're on the subject fo relationships one thing that I see in many relationships of young people is cheating. I don't care if you just hugged them or touched their face once if it was in a flirtatious way it's cheating. I just can't stand people who cheat in any way, shape, or form. Not only do I dislike that person but I hate the one that they cheat with. Ok relationships are supposed to be the one thing nobody can touch. The one thing in your life that nobody fucks with. When you go and get in the middle of two people you are so in the wrong. No matter what you say or what the other person did if you were completely ok with them cheating on their partner that's so fucked up. God you don't ever deserve to have a successful relatinship wiht anybody for the rest of your life. You don't fuckin deserve to be loved at all. That's just something that ticks me off so bad. Sorry if I got a little emotional but this IS MY website and these are MY thoughts. I think one would tend to think you can get at least a LITTLE emotional about topics you wihs to write about on YOUR website. Ok I'm done being a jerk.

Ok another thing in people I can't stand is how they lie about their feelings. When you love someone and they love oyu back you should tell them. Even if your friends will disapprove, even if most people won't approve. I mean come on you never know what good times, what great memories, or what great sex you could have missed by trying to impress your friends. Now if you are going to do that try not to lead them on. And most of all try not to badmoutht htem to other people. I mean they have feelings too and if it's a chick most likely their feelings are going to be a lot stronger than a dude's. This kind of thing can fuck people up very bad emotionally. It's so unfair and just plain evil. Something like that can make a person think they aren't good enough for anyone. It can lower their self esteem so bad that they may even turn suicidal. It's always nice to be considerate of other people's feelings you know. But still I've been fucked with that more than once and it fuckin hurts. If you knwo me personally you know how much fuckin damage it can do. I've been stomped on so much that I can't even tell when someone likes me if they fuckin told me!! I deny it and I lie to the point that I believe it. I absolutely rfuse to believe that it's possible anyone could love me in the way I love them. It takes a lot of fucking effort on my friends' part and mine to convince me the person is interested or that I should at least try. So I just ask as a cry for help in salvaging what's left of the human emotion LOVE please try to keep from breaking someone's heart. Try to care more about that peron's life than for your rep (which is always temporary) with your friends. I'm sure you don't like seeing a person cry because of something you've said or being told they did by their best friend and getting called a jerk for it. Don't make the mistake most "cool" guys make and hurt a chick/dude because (trust me on this one)it DOES come back and bite you in the fucking ass. I am pretty fuckin sure about that one.

I was watching tv and this commercial came on with Queen Lativa advertising some massacara and I said aloud. God she's so pretty how does she do it? And my Mom and Dad both said that it's all in viewpoint. My dad said that these days anorexic is what is accepted but he said that if I were back in the fifties I'd have guys all over me and I wouldn't be having any problems. Then he said that it can still be like that today. He said that it's all in viewpoint and the most important viewpoint of all is yours. How you see yourself influences so many other people's viewpoints. You know what he is so right. If I had really seen myself. If I had looked and really saw me then I wouldn't have been so upset these past years. It wasn't only until my friend Julian had said something about how girls may be hot but if they don't have a great personality then it's all spoiled that I had a realization that it wasn't all about looks that personality was a big thing too. I would totally not have expected that out of Julian because I thought that it didn't matter to him what kind of a person a girl was because he has so many damn chicks that "want" him. Anyways my eyes have been opened to a totally different perspective and I hope yours have too.

Ok I learned something very very VERY valueable in life. I learned that love isn't that impossible to believe in. I'm not so cynical anymore now that I learned to open up. I love everyone I know and I'm not ashamed to say it. I love Rachelle and I love Viktoria and I love Jason and I love Amanda and I love Danny and I love Jullian and I love the other Danny and I love Keva and I love Chelsea....the list goes on. Anyways back to my point. You shouldn't be afraid to let people knwo how you feel. I stopped being afraid and started sharing my feelings and you knwo what? Nothing bad happened. In fact they all said it bakc. Except Danny because Danny is still afraid to express his feelings like that. Cus Danny's gay. Anyhoo. Learn now!!! Feelings are there for a reason. Share them.

I have a friend who no one likes but they all love. It's very complicated you see. She is only loved when she is truly being herself. The only time she is truly herself is when she is around people who accept her for herself. All her life she has been raised around people who put her down for what she wanted to be and pushed her to something they wanted her to be. Now she is half real half not. She's lost some friends who truly love her and she can't even see it. A great man once said, "That's what real love amounts to--letting a person be what he really is....Most people love you for who you pretend to be....To keep their love, you keep pretending--preforming. You get to love your pretense....It's true, we're locked in an image, an act--and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image--they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forgot all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it--they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession."-Jim Morrison. Here he is talkign about how people hide themselves behind what others want to see because they aren't loved. Truly loved, and as he says true love is allowing someone to be themselves. We truly love her and I am hoping to communicate that to her. I would liek to tell her she needs to quit being somethign she knows she doesnt want to be. I can see it in her eyes that she isn't who she play off to be. She is a kind, loving, smart, funny, and mature person. She was liek that when I first met her. The only time I have ever seen her truly happy is when she was herself. She didn't wear a costume and play fake. I love her and I will accept her anyway she chooses to be but not this way. Because this way she hurts people and she makes bad friends. She's getting hurt and she can't even see it. She chooses not to confront herself. Something she really needs to do. What I'm trying to say is listen to what Jim says. You will only be happy and COMPLETELY comfortable around those you love. And those you love will love you. Be yourself no matter what it costs because there are no consequences in being you there are only rewards.

Wow. It has been a very long time since I have updated last. Well I see I ended with a sort of happy note. Ok fuck that. What I have all said is true except for there being no consequences in being you. There are plenty of punishments. My life for one is a punishment all in itself. Never have I seen someone go through so much and survive as I have. I seriously am surprised to be alive. Any lesser person would have given up by now but still I go on. I do know why I still live it is because I have a purpose. This brings me to my topic for the night, purpose. What is a man/woman wihtout a purpose? Who are they? What are they doing here? Can they contribute to this society? I say no they can't. People without a purpose are criminals. They are here to steal ideas, objects, even lives from others. They do not need to be here. All they are is trouble. Now I'm sure plenty of you are thinking, "Hey, she's a bitch. I have no purpose but I don't steal from others." Well my friend you may not think you ahev apurpose but you do, otherwise you would not be here. ven criminals have a purpose they just decided to ignore it. You my friend are one who has not realized their purpose. All you need is inspiration or maybe even just time. All good things come with time. That includes people you know. Now see my purpose is to have children and raise them to become individuals not just another person in a world full of people. My kids will go on to do world changing things. They will have an effect on this planet or in this solar system whether it be good or bad. That is probably the only reason I still live. Th only reason I have put up with this society and all its flaws. A purpose is an important thing. A purpose gives you direction and guidance. Never can a man live a truly happy and successful life without a reason, without a goal, without a dream.

Ok Life is so fucking hard to sort out sometimes. You never know what's real and what's not. Sometimes it's hard to tell who's lieing to you and who's not but you're friends are always the one's who don't cause drama. They're the one's that who stay out of things until they are needed. Friends are the one's that aren't in the middle of crap. Friends are people who you never have bad memories with. Sometimes the people who hurt you the most are right there in front of you and you don't know it until it's too late. But remember always do what you think is best for you. Yes others are important but you come first because if you're not there then who's going to make the others happy and ok? You know? Ok so yeah just pay attention and learn from your mistakes the first time not the third or fourth. I was stupid to think I could make things work. Don't be like me. Be better than that. Way better.

I know no one reads this but it makes me feel better to write on here and to list my lessons you know? My life has completely gone down the shithole. I don't know exactly where I went wrong but maybe it was the drugs maybe it was the alcohol I don't knwo exactly. All I know is they made me happy and when I stopped look where I am at. I'm withering away like a neglected flower. I am dying inside my soul is fading away. I don't quite know what to do and I'm afraid it's going to be like this for a while but I am going to try to become independent and happy with my isolation. I'll be ok. I'm going to learn and become stronger from this experience.

I have an online journal now. Fuck Life
that's the link if you wanna check it out.

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