The 15-Minute Iliad or Dang, Why Won't Any ACTUAL Heroes Die?

For those of you who have a big test tomorrow and sort of forgot to read the book, fear not! The 15-minute Iliad is here! All the thrills without the book-long lists of random heroes!

All right, let's get ready to rumble.

The 15-Minute Iliad

Achilles is angry. Very, very angry. Why, do you ask? Well, Agamemnon has just taken his prize slave girl, Briseis. This is, naturally, somewhat upsetting to Achilles. So Achilles and Agamemnon proceed to yell at each other for a very long time. Then Achilles thinks it might be a good idea to kill Agamemnon, but fortunately Athene (who, strangely enough, decides that for this epic poem, Achilles is going to be her favored mortal, rather than Odysseus) stops him. So Achilles goes off and sulks. He's going to do this for about a year, so don't hold your breath, Agamemnon.

But there is a point to Achilles' sulking, folks. Yup, being the great, bold, brave hero that he is, the first thing he does after the fight with Agamemnon is-- yes-- go rushing to his mommy. His mommy being Thetis, a nereid, child of Ocean and... well, at least I, unlike Homer, realize that you don't really care whose kid she is. Or, for that matter, want to hear her complete genealogy back to time immemorial-- Ah, but where was I?

Yes. Achilles was running to his mother. (Oh, that's a new one.) He asks that she cause the Argives (that's the Greeks, aka the Achaeans) to lose so that they will realize what fools they were for alienating him. Great plan-- and Zeus owes Thetis a favor anyhow, so he grants her request.

However, Agamemnon doe