Best Pets Ever

Please Someone, SELL ME A MIDGET. below is my proof of love for them

• If I had a midget, I'd name them Sky. Even if their name was Tom, Sanjay or Louise, I'd have it legally changed to Sky (or some other tall-sounding name). He/she would get no altitude-challenged special treatment, either. Oh no. In fact, dishes, toilet paper, first-aid kits, batteries for the smoke alarm and vital stuff like that would all be stored on the top shelves around the house. I'd make sure I had 9-foot ceilings, too.
• The only thing I'd keep within easy reach would be his/her food. I'd put their jumbo supersaver-sized bag of Purina Midget Chow™ next to the water dish so they could graze happily whenever they choose. I've always been soft-hearted like that. Hell, as long as they didn't shit on the carpet, I'd even buy one of those nice cedar-filled pet beds for them to sleep on. That's right; no midget of mine will sleep directly on the floor... unless they shit on the carpet.
• If I had a midget, I'd buy a mastiff and saddle. My midget could ride around in style on the back of a big-ass dog. But in secret, I'd taunt the mastiff with a life-sized midget doll and make him hate all little people. I'd pay other midgets to come by and steal his food and poke at him with sticks and piss in his water dish. Then one day, when my midget is saddling Rover up, the dog will snap and turn on him. Oh, the hilarity that would ensue! If things got too bad, I'd toss my midget a bamboo stalk so he could defend himself. I guess I'd break up the good times if one or the other was getting hurt too badly, but hey, it's not really my fight.
• In the summer when it's warm, I'd strap him to the hood of my car and pimp him around town as an ornament. I could also have him pop out of the trunk and scare the hell out of tailgaters on the freeway. He could toss bowling balls and tire irons at them and even give them the finger. I'd take him to the beach with me and use him to pick up chicks, too. Once I had the girls' attention, I'd give his leash over to the professional beach jocks and let them use him/her as a volleyball. Let me tell you here and now, few things are as funny as watching a midget get spiked into the sand.
• In the winter when it's cold and I tend to get lazy, I'd make my midget go start my car for me and scrape the windshield in the mornings. When I come out and they complain about being cold, I would burn them with my morning cigarette and maybe pour hot coffee on them. Finally, I'd shut their little fingers in the car door and start driving off, making them keep up with me. What? Relax. I'd always stop and let them in after a couple of blocks. I'm not heartless, you know. Having my very own midget would truly kick truckloads of ass. Yep. If I had a midget......

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