CHAPTER 5- The Great Band Experience
Ahh... December 6th... It's the Battle of the Bands...
Everyone went except Ovan, who would rather listen to Lion King music than listening
to incomprehensible depressing screeches and moans being covered by the noises of
what seems to be the flatulence of a lonely Jewish 62-year-old woman who lives under
a decor rock at Great America with the healthy diet of whale testicle churros, athlete foot
skin flakes, and rancid raccoon nasal cavities.
Anyway, let's start with the school day...
Kayhan has finished writing "Little Crotch of Horror", the songs includes:
"Little Crotch of Horror"
"S*** Row (Back Alley of Downtown)"
"Blow on me"
"Ya navel knows"
"Muskrat & 'son'"
"Some Hair That's Green"
"'Feed Me' (Get it?)"
"Now, It's Just My Gas"
"Closed for Masturbation"
"The Seed Shall Inherit"
"SemenX/F***er time II"
"Finale (Don't Feed Your Friend)"
Lunch was fun, the D-E wing people had a wet T-shirt contest.
9:00PM, A bunch of people were waiting in San Francisco...
"What is this for anyway?" asked a curious band member of a band called "62
Jewish raccoon-eating woman"
"I don't know," responded Cindy, one of the other two remaining band member,
left us a note saying that we MUST be here or they'll cancel 'FRIENDS'"
"It might be just a prank..." said Nancy, the muy curiosa muchacha.
"It might be not," warned Amy, the remaining person in the band who haven't
said a thing
until now because I just typed it in, "look, we all LOVE 'FRIENDS', and if they cancelled
it, we will be forced to watch 'Frasier'."
"Ewww..." groaned Cindy—who came up with the band name "CAN", "I hate that
show as much
as I hate 'Cave Girl Island'!"
Nancy replies, "'Cave Girl Island'? My dad used to love that movie... Come to
think of it, my dad
loves every worst thing you can possibly imagine." She wrote a song called "Daddy and Oprah".
"Since we're here, what should we-" Amy—who hates the name "CAN"
and changed it into
"62 year old..."—got interrupted by Paul, the round-up guy.
"Come on, you're next." screamed Paul as he grabs Amy's arm, he have
practiced saying that in
front of a mirror at home, "I'm doing great tonight." He thinks to himself with a half-dazed grin on
The announcer announces out of nowhere: Give it up for "The Austin Hating
Wha...? What happened to "62 year old Jewish raccoon-eating woman"? Who cares, there's
something more important going on...
Amy and the girls rushes blindly to the stage, where they see that somehow
magically appeared. Feeling like if a two headed eel had squirmed it's way up their asses, they
wanna run back, but all three were attracted by the unknown force slinking out of their instruments,
they put on the guitars, and sat on the seat behind the drum set... there was a long pause.
"Play something!" bellowed Paul, that line was also practiced just in case.
So "62 Year Old Jewish Raccoon-Eating Woman" started to play their rendition
of "Put on a Happy
Face", whom Nancy is very good on screeching it, she sounded a lot like Alanis Morissette going through
A lot of time have passed and it's time for Keith's band to play...
The announcer announces again: Give it up for "Too Late 2 Say"!
The audience gave it up.
"It's to say," said Addison, "T-O space S-A-"
Before he can finish, Paul gave them his "Come on, you're next" and shoved them out.
One audience despises the name, "It sounds like something Richard Marx, or
Davis, or even Westlife barfs out..."
Giuseppe, who sits next to that audience thinks that it's not a bad name at all, but after
all those loud noises his ear is now 35% functioning, all he heard was "Too Late, Toots".
Addison chortles, "That guy need some rehab."
Scott scoffs, Keith heaves, Sean fawns...
They then played "Flooded Penis" and "Joyous Disguise as an Old Lady"
Then, Kayhan's band "Four Days Late" plays a vast selection of gibberish and
Then some more bands plays... and plays... and plays...
It's now 12:00 midnight, half of the audience, including Giuseppe, are
asleep. The announcer
announces the winner: "And the winner is... 'The Austin Hating Black Widows'!"
Cindy, Amy, and Nancy cries... the next day they got into a fight and the band broke up.
About 350 people didn't slept well that night... Ovan's sleeping like a
snoring 62 year old
Jewish raccoon-eating woman.