The Truth about Max...

An account of the antichrist by Alexander "Satan" Tatton-Brown

NAVIGATION

Unlike my brother Max, I am, in fact, a real person. He is in all actuality a sophisticated robot, sent back in time to change the future for one unfortunate lady. I mean…um…to buy lots of sausages as the future is sausageless, that’s right, there are no sausages. Anyway back to the freak, and by that I mean Max, his one weak spot is a giant, inflatable banana as he cannot stand the sight of it and going anywhere near one causes him to spontaneously combust. Unfortunately this does not kill him, for this you need a small, purple aubergine to stick into each of his ears and then stand back as he will explode. This is not the best way to kill him as it causes the loss of one of the greatest minds on the planet, that’s right, an aubergine…the smartest of vegetables.

As opposed to most normal people, I know that the aubergine is very clever. Look at its glossy, purple coat as it frolics through the springtime fields, making daisy-chains for its brethren and solving complex quadratic equations and pondering the meaning of life…all before breakfast. It is extremely difficult to capture this prince of purple vegetables, there are actually many tribes in the jungles of South America which hold an annual ‘Hunting of the Aubergine’. This is a ceremony where tribesmen must hunt an gut a wild aubergine and the largest one is placed at the top of a pole for the year, and the hunter who caught the winning aubergine is chief of the tribe for that year. Unluckily this barbaric tradition has caused the numbers of wild aubergines to decrease, and the Brazilian Bluestalk has decreased in number by over 20,000 per year, and recently a new sanctuary has been created just for this rare species.

Anyway back to Betty(Max to normal people), he is of very low intelligence, and doesn’t understand when people speak quickly. He also can’t walk and talk at the same time, without falling over(usually onto someone’s unsuspecting aubergine). But if you ignore these faults you can see three things:

 Max is not actually a mammal unlike most humans, he is actually a amoeba, and is made up of no more than 4 cells, and less than half of these are devoted to his brain and motor functions. The lack of a left and right part of his brain makes Max a painfully underdeveloped creature, and even now he is noticing new things in his surrounding environment, things like gravity, the enemy of all creatures airborne, like birds and small rocks. Most of these flying rocks are caused by Max’s prototype war machines, like the catapult made completely of tennis balls and rotting cabbages. To the complete surprise of all that witnessed his original blueprints for the cabapult, it managed to send a small dog into orbit, wearing a spacesuit made of old traffic cones. After returning to earth riding the plummeting Mir space station, the dog sued Max, successfully, for £20 million and the patent for the cabapult and the Conatron 2000 which he was wearing.

Bees Final Thought: Whether you go near Max because you’ve been paid, or because you’re just curious try to avoid looking at him directly, look after yourself... and each other.

Editor's Disclaimer: I accept no responsibitily for the content or quality of the above article, any opinions voiced within or indeed the colour in which the plague of lies was released. I will end this disclaimer with the suggestion that if you wish for my brother to never be allowed to write ANYTHING ANYWHERE EVER again then please don't hesitate to email me at the usual address!