S H O P P I N G

NAVIGATION

The first thing to remember when shopping is don't buy things that you actually need as this defeats the point. The purchase of items such as clothes, food or water is absolutely unacceptable! This is a waste of valuable money that could have been invested in some nice stickers or that box of tissues that you have been admiring from across the street every time you pass . . .

A box of tissues is a wonderful thing to have! Have you ever just sat there and flung each tissue into the air as you tear it, kicking and screaming from its container?? Me neither but it has been lingering on my to do list for some time now and it's probably more likely to happen than that old target of achieving a flight across the Atlantic using only a pair of pliers and the contents of Old Farmer Brown's Chicken Coop.

Sometimes, obstacles will obstruct the path of your wastage in the form of feeble attempts to manipulate you into buying something that can be put to a use other than dustbin stuffing. That's right, it is the ancient foe of all wasters only known by the mysterious and beguiling name of. . . 
  G I F T  T O K E N S...
What these are or where they came from is a mystery to even me but all I know is that they are one of the worst things ever to happen to the World of Wastage! But even a speed bump such as this, the equivalent of Beetle taking a siesta in the middle of Piccadilly Circus for a taxi driver, cannot hold back such a highly trained waster as me. My years of faithful service have trained wastage into me as a sixth sense. I can waste even products that plaster labels proclaiming "UNWASTABLE OR YOUR MONEY BACK" all over themselves without breaking a sweat. Let me share with you a little tale of what happened when these horrifying foes tried to mess with Maximilian. . .

It was a dark and stormy night. . .  Or more precisely, a beautiful sunny day in the lovely town of Windsor. The Eleventh Year of Chesham High School were innocently taking their school Maths trip which involved mindthrobbingly fun activities in which they participated ecstatically until Maximilian, the most popular and dashing boy in the year, opened his wallet causing a wave of darkness to spread through the air. Upon contact with this front, a beautiful Robin that had previously been swooping gayly above dropped to the floor next to the figure at the epicentre of the shadows, visibly lifeless. Screams eminated from the crowd surrounding the boy as hey eyed the source of the horror. There, nestled amongst the 100% wastable five pound note and an equally wastable tenner was a big, fat, logo-ridden WH Smith G I F T  T O K E N. Yes, now he remembered. . .

The previous Christmas, he had spied that envelope resting beside the other gifts with apprehensive caution. Throughout the day, he would open the other parcels, revelling in the contents such as the brand spanking new "He-Man" playset and even the mandatory knitted socks from Granny. As the pile gradually shrunk he knew that eventually he would have to confront his fears and pick up that one off-white rectangle. . . Finally, the moment came where he had no choice but to accept his fate. Slowly he walked, every step feeling like it had taken twice as long as the one before. Mouth agape and with his heart pounding a clearly audible rythm in his chest, he reached toward his veiled nemesis. Scrawled across the front in a sinister font was his name, Judith. ER I MEAN MAX. . . Max. Yes, anyway, as I was saying, He rotated the envelope until he could see the seal and to his horror, his eyes were greeted with a terrible sight. There, right smack bang in the middle of the back of this already pretty devastating object were the letters he dreaded. S W A L K. Sealed With A Loving Kiss. If there was one thing that you could safely say about Max's Grandmother, it was that she had a good sense of humour. And one that almost always made opening his presents from her far more entertaining than the ones which preceded it. Max turned to receive a little wave from the aging lady behind him with which he reciprocated a weak smile. Closing his eyes, he endeavored a finger on the quest of releasing the envelope from it's evil sealing bond and tore along the top of the container. Almost immediately it hit him. 
The scream was out of his mouth before he even recognised it's source and he flung his head back in agony at the emotion that overcame him. So much anger. So much hate. Why would anybody do this? Why? WHY? His fierce eyes turned upon the dispatcher of his irritant. He leapt through the air with such speed that. . .

Um wait a second, getting a little off subject I think. Hmmm not entirely sure you can do a flashback within flashback. . . a flashbackback? Maybe a flashflashback? Oh anyway, 

He drew the token from his wallet and held it at arms length in front of him. How was he going to vanquish this foe? How could he overcome this furlong?? He turned his head ninety degrees to the right as he often did when deep in thought and the sight that befell his eyes was almost *too* convenient. Before him sat a great big shiny WH Smiths branch.
"Stephen," Max called his loyal friend to his side, "It's time."
Confidently, the two boys strode toward the shop and burst through the doors. Straight ahead was the books section, a definite no-no, almost definitely what his evil token had in mind to be used to purchase. To the left, stationary and magazines, again, way off target and dangerously close to useful items. On his right, bingo. There lay the jackpot, Chocolate. 

And if all else fails, turn to music: the savior of all Wasters! Whether it be Hanson's Christmas album or Pinky and Perky's greatest hits, you can always rest assured that you will find something of almost no monetary value in your local record store for the bargain price of only £9.99 . . .