Lets pretend that I've moved on
And I'll tell myself that life goes on without you
Open my eyes, look deep inside
I run away, I run away, I run away
Mandy had always preferred the night to morning. When they were still together and Nick wasn't touring, night was the time when she could really have him all to herself. The night would often start its ritual with Nick trading places with her in bringing Ryan to bed.
While she often ended the night by reading some bedtime stories to their son, Nick preferred singing to him. And while Mandy was content with Ryan's giggles as she told him the story of Goldilocks and the three bears and found him dozing off in the middle of it, Nick would get him to sing along, prompting Ryan to imitate every word and let him learn in the process. It made Ryan more alert than sleepy and had taken him longer to calm the boy down, but Nick seemed to enjoy his little father and son time.
Mandy on the other hand, would be in the kitchen, knowing very well that Nick would want his mid night snack. It was an old habit of his that she was used to. We always had dinner after the show, sometimes at two in the morning if we were too busy. It became a habit I guess, Nick had told her earlier in their relationship.
She remembered one particular night when Nick was home. She wanted it to be perfect, because she hardly gets some time just to sit around and talk like any married couple do on a daily basis. She had even bought his favourite cookie dough ice cream with a generous helping of hot fudge. The baby transmitter in the kitchen was switched on and his low voice filled the stillness of the night.
Three little ducklings I once knew, fat one, skinny one, fair one too…
It never fails to make her chuckle just hearing him sing like that. Ryan seemed to find it funny too because every so often she could hear his giggles. That night however, he wasn't singing about any ducks or little red Indians.
“Mommy, are you listening to this?”
“Yes baby, wassup?”
“What are you doing down there?”
“Making desert.”
“Mmmm…just bring yourself mommy, you're delicious enough.”
“Keep talking like that in front of your son and see if he grows up like AJ.”
“AJ's cool.”
“AJ's horny.”
“I'm horny.”
“Nick…”
“Mandy…”
“You're supposed to get him to sleep.”
“Yeah, yeah…okay little devil, mommy wants daddy, so you have to go to bed now.”
“Sing Nicky, sing!” [Sing icky, sing!]
“Mommy, you still there?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Awww mommy, come on, cheer up!”
“Momma cheer up!” [mum mah cherup!]
“Okay, Nicky's going to sing. For Ryan and momma.”
Who needs the world when I've got you; switch off the sun, the stars and the moon…
She had found herself sitting on the chair in the middle of their spacious kitchen, humming along as he serenaded them. Nick never made it to the kitchen that night because Ryan made sure that he never leaves. Mandy had gone up to his room and found Nick half asleep on the single couch just next to his bed. She loved that couch, she could spend her time just sitting there, lost in a good book, while Ryan played around her.
“Hey you.”
“Hey…did I just fall asleep? Oh damn, I'm sorry, did I make you wait all by yourself?”
“Nah…this is kinda cool too.”
“Come here.”
“I miss you.”
“I love you.”
To this day, it had puzzled her how two grown ups had managed to squeeze into that couch and still find it the cosiest place on earth. They fell asleep in each other's arms, waking up the next morning with Ryan's constant tugging of her shirt, demanding his breakfast.
The memories were sweet, but that night in the hospital room, when everyone had finally managed to leave without being harassed, she had found herself sitting on a similar couch with Ryan cuddled up next to her. This time however, Nick wasn't singing, the night was filled with silence instead, it hung in the air like mist.
Nick woke up and being disorientated, panicked. You don't have to worry about him, it was just a panic attack, the doctor had explained. She on the other hand, had honestly thought that fate was being merciless on her and had taken Nick away from them forever. The entire day that she had been there, Nick had drifted in and out of sleep countless time, but each only lasted less than five minutes. The doctors told her he was making progress, but she could never be satisfied until she hears himself telling her that everything will be all right. It was like being given a second chance, a chance she readily accepts. She just hope that Nick could find somewhere in him to forgive her.
“Momma?”
Mandy blinked in the dark; had she been dreaming or did she just hear Ryan calling her?
“Momma?” Mandy sniffed a few times and cleared her throat. It was dark and the single ray of light from a street lamp out on the opposite road that had penetrated into the room was the only source of light available. It bathed a part of his body while the other was covered under the silhouette of the dark. His glistening blue eyes staring back at her questioningly.
“I'm here sweetie. Why don't you go to sleep?”
“Don't cry momma.” [doe kwoi mum muh]
Mandy pulled him near, hugging him as if she'd never let go. He wouldn't be able to understand what was going on then, but she knew he'd eventually grow and learn the truth. The truth about how his mom had managed to shut his father out of his life. How she had drove him into the hospital, facing death. One of these days, he'd shy away from her embrace. She could almost see it now, Ryan her teenage son. He'd look exactly like Nick when he was sixteen, when he had first met her. Innocent and shy. Why mom, why did you push dad away? I deserve to know him!
“Shh…I'm not crying baby…go to sleep okay sweetie, we have to be quiet, Nicky is sleeping.”
“Momma?”
“What baby?”
“Sing to Ryan okay? Sing to Nicky?” Mandy kissed his nose and felt him grin in her embrace. She rocked him back and forth, his head resting on her shoulder. Not far from them, Nick still lye asleep, unaware how close he had been to death.
“Okay baby, mommy sings and you go to sleep.”
Who needs the world when I've got you, switch off the sun, the stars and the moon, I've all I need inside of this room, who needs the world when I've got you…
-
He was undeniably tired; he acknowledged this sensation the very second he woke up. Everything felt fuzzy, he thought he heard someone whispering his name over and over again, asking him to wake up. Then he felt the soft, gentle hand as it slap lightly on his cheek, trying to get his attention. Opening his eyes was the last thing he wanted to do; something so effortless and had been taken for granted now seemed like a heavy chore he could never accomplished. The voice kept calling for him, not wanting him to give in to the drowsiness.
“…wake up…Nicky…come on…”
Silently, he swore that he'd kill AJ for waking him up. Who else could have so annoyingly slap his face and keep calling him Nicky?
He acknowledged the pain next; it felt sore all over, especially in his chest. He tried to pave his way through his murky thoughts, trying to remember what had happened that had got him feeling like that. The memories filled slowly, soon, he remembered walking up the path to the Williford's doorstep. He remembered the burning pain throbbing in his chest but also the defiant will to get to his son. He recalled the confrontation he had with her, Kevin and Howie were there and he wished they had not heard the truth of their separation. He thought he saw Ryan, but the joy of being reunited at last was short-lived. It was the pain; it had consumed him until he couldn't open his eyes anymore.
Oh God!
What happened to him? Just the thought of it was frightening, but it vanished when his eyes flew open, his gaze raised to his son, who was looking back at him. Beautiful eyes, bright with awareness and intelligence, as blue as the deepest ocean, a young boy's eyes. His head tilted to the left, like an inquisitive sparrow. God knows how much he wanted to cry then, to have him so close to him, to know that he had hang on to dear life because he couldn't say goodbye to this little angel of his.
His face broke into a grin when he realised he had successfully got his attention now. “Wake up Nicky, he's hungry.” [wack up icky, he's hungie]
He almost laughed at his innocence. Back when they were still a family, he and Mandy would sleep in, both not wanting to wake up so early in the morning. Ryan would always wake up first and crept into their bed and made himself at home in the small space between them. He would then proceed to wake him up, often slapping him on the hand or on the cheek to get his attention. He never did any of those things to Mandy though; perhaps he knows a boy should never hit a girl.
He would feel so tired and numb but the very sight of Ryan chased those feelings away. Up and about in matter of seconds, they would trudge down the stairs, Ryan riding his back, and they would make their very own breakfast as they let mommy sleep in for a little longer. Mommy's tired, we let her sleep and then Ryan and Nicky can watch cartoons! Ryan loves cartoon and both father and son would get lost in the world of Disney until Mandy would come and chase them away for a shower.
“You're hungry?” He croaked. Ryan nodded his head and stared at the IV needle that was stuck on his left arm. Sensing his fears, Nick tilted his chin up so that he would see him instead and smiled.
“Let Nicky change and then we can have breakfast okay?”
“Can he take Momma please?” [can he cake mum muh pwease]
Nick followed his gaze and that was when he found Mandy cuddled up on the couch not too far away from the bed. She looked so tired, even in sleep, she was frowning. Should they wake her up? She seemed to need the sleep badly. Another part of him however, was asking why she was even there in the first place.
He wanted to hold and kiss Ryan then, how much he had missed him; but the IV needle and his aching body was preventing him from doing all those. He was still unsure he'd end up in a hospital in the first place.
“Let momma sleep for a bit longer okay? Here, press this for Nicky.” He showed to the small red button just next to his bed and guiding Ryan carefully so that he won't accidentally step on the needle, let him do the honours.
He giggled after pressing the button and Nick flicked his nose playfully, the only gesture he could do without hurting too much. Seconds later, a nurse came in, obviously happy that he had woke up.
“My son's hungry, do you think you can get a little breakfast for us?”
“Would you like me to take him for awhile, you can rest some more?”
“That's okay, I can handle him on my own. Oh, if it wouldn't be of a problem, could you also get a little breakfast for her too?” Nick asked, referring to Mandy who was still fast asleep.
“Of course, it will be no trouble, I'll get something for the wife too.”
Nick smiled awkwardly, not wanting to seem impolite. Wife…what is Mandy to him these days? Ex-wife or someone whom he gets into constant fight with? Could they even become friends again? Should he be friends with her again? After what she'd done?
“Hey Ryan, let's play little Indian!”
-
Mandy swore she woke up smiling. The smell of fresh mayo-egg sandwich filled her nostrils, and the sounds of her husband's voice and their little devil filled the morning air.
One little two, little three, little Indians…four little five little six little Indian…seven little eight, little nine little Indians, ten little Indian boys!
She needs to wake up and chase them away, or they'll never get into the shower.
Waking up was a little bit different though. She wasn't comfortably in bed, her neck felt sore from having to sleep in the same position the entire night. The smell of mayo-egg still lingered and the little Indian song still being sung, but she was nowhere home.
Ryan was sitting on the bed, his back facing her. Nick was still lying there, but she could see movements and his voice was like a song to her ears. Nick had waked up, she knew that now. She stretched herself, tying her messy hair into a rough bun and then just sits there and watch the two of them. She wondered if Ryan had called him daddy.
“More Nicky, more!” [mo icky, mo!]
Her heart sank. She hoped Ryan remembered that word and will call him Daddy again some time soon. She let a few minutes pass before she finally got up from her seat. For a few seconds, time stood still. Should she approach them or should she just walk out of the room? Is there still a space in there for her?
“Mandy?” Nick called. She knew she couldn't get away now. She turned and tried to smile, but it doesn't take a genius to know that she had forced it.
“Hey, you're awake. How are you?”
Nick smiled. You used to melt because of that smile.
“I guess I'm okay, still sore but I'll live. Did you stay here all night?”
Mandy nodded and started to move in. Ryan shouldn't be sitting on the bed, who knows what that little devil could step on and hurt him more. “Yeah. Ryan was asking for you the entire day but I told him you're asleep and I promised he'll be here when you wake up.”
“What happened?” Nick asked, as he watched Ryan silently nibbling at his sandwich.
“You passed out. The doctor said that you have…I think it's a blood cot of some sort on your left arm and it affects your heart…I'm sorry, I wasn't really paying attention to the details.” I was too busy bawling my eyes out.
Nick tried to digest the news in and nodded his head. “So I didn't have a heart attack right?”
“You'd be too young to have that, don't you think?” Mandy asked.
“Yeah, that's why I asked. I don't want to be known as the youngest man to get a heart attack.”
Mandy smiled, knowing that Nick was trying to lighten them up. She stood next to Ryan and rested her palm on his arm before she managed to convince herself to run out of the room. Nick felt warm to the touch. She searched for his eyes but already found them looking back at her. Tired, he looked so tired.
“Will you ever forgive me?”
-
Nick always believes that it takes two to tango. It takes two to make a marriage works and it takes two to bring it down. If Mandy was apologising for the break up in their marriage, then he couldn't have forgive her, since there was nothing to forgive about.
“For what?”
“For being unfaithful. I shouldn't have done what I did.”
Unfaithful. Sure, she had broken the very vows they took together. It wasn't just the act that had angered him so much. It was the fact that she had the audacity to do it in their house. The house that they lived together, where their marriage had taken off right from the beginning. To have their son, the labour of their love, sleeping in the next room. Doesn't she think of him when she was doing it? Doesn't she think of their baby when he was touching her?
“I'm done being angry at you Mandy. I don't understand why you did it, but I must have done something wrong as your husband to make you do it. You don't have to explain yourself, lets just put that behind us.”
“I'm sorry for taking Ryan away from you. I know how much you love him, and I just want the best for him. I'm just afraid that you will take him away from me. I can't live without him Nick.” Mandy felt Nick's fingers rubbing her arm and she looked up again. Looking at him straight in his eyes was the most difficult. She always thought she could feel safe just by looking at them. The fact is, it still felt that way now, and she knew she doesn't deserve that.
Nick however, seemed content to continue penetrating her green eyes. It was then that she felt connected to him again. His glistening eyes radiating hurt and yet, in some ways that she couldn't explain, it showed affection towards her. “Listen to me, I will never, ever, as long as I live, take him away from you. You're his mother, every child needs his mother. No matter what happen Mandy, he is apart of you and me. I just want to be there for him like a father should, nothing more than that.”
Mandy quickly brush away at the single tear that had paved down her cheek, not wanting Ryan to see her crying again. Why couldn't her ex-husband be a monster? Someone whom everyone would hate? Why is he an angel? Why must he make it more difficult than it already was?
“And you will Nick, you have my words. You've been an important part of my life, I'm so used to having you around when I need you because you'll always be there for me. You were, first and foremost, my best friend, I know what I did really change what we had. All I'm asking is, for as long as live, I'd like to have you in my life.”
Nick closed his eyes because if he was to look at her right then, she could see right through his soul. His tortured soul. He wanted more than just being her friend. He loves her, still do. She was his first love, she had been his world for so long that he couldn't understand the mere thought of dating someone else and falling in love all over again. It had always been her. Always. Forever.
But when he opened his eyes, the puzzle doesn't fit anymore. There were three pieces and somehow, something was still missing. As much as it pained him, he knew he couldn't hold her back. That old song he used to love singing suddenly crept up behind him and whispered the words in his ears.
My friends keep telling me, that if you really love her you got to set her free, and if she returns in time, I know that she's mine…so tell me where do I start, when it's breaking my heart, don't want to let her go…
“Friends is good, it's better than screaming at each other every time we meet.”
Mandy smiled widely. It felt good that she hasn't lost him totally. “I appreciate that Nick, cause I really want your blessings to move on.”
Move on. Nick tried to swallow everything. Move on. Was he ready to move on?
Maybe my love will come back someday, only heaven knows, maybe our hearts will find their way, only heaven knows, and all I can do is hope and pray, cause heaven knows…
“My blessings? You don't have to have my blessings to move on Mandy. I thought we already did.”
“Not that kind of move on Nick…I'm…well…Kyle…oh never mind, I shouldn't be asking you this, not now when you just wake up. We'll talk about this some other time okay? You need your rest.”
“It's okay, you can tell me. What's with Kyle?”
Mandy bit her lower lip and then looked up to see him still staring at her. He had been doing that a lot. “We're getting married.”
If a heart could be torn to a million pieces, his already did. Nick plastered another smile, he hoped the hurt in his eyes doesn't show as much. Heaven does know, and nothing in the book of love was written that Nick and Mandy were forever.
Write it in a hundred lines and memorise it by heart Nick.
“Can I just ask you some things?”
“Anything Nick, you know I don't mind.”
Nick smiled, closed his eyes and cleared his throat. “Does he treats Ryan like his own?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes, I love Kyle.”
Yes, I love Kyle, not you.
He nodded, feeling the incoming assaults of tears choked somewhere in the back of his throat. Letting go is so hard to do. He thought he already had when they signed the divorce papers. But he should have known better, all these time, when he kept telling himself that he was ready to move on, he was merely pretending. Pretending is easy, because reality seemed too harsh on him these days.
The truth had always been, that deep down inside, he had always hold her in his heart. Always had keep that fire burning, in hope that maybe one day, he could forgive her mistakes and she could give him another chance at being the good husband he obviously wasn't. Kyle wasn't anywhere near as good looking, famous or rich as him, but he had managed to do the one thing Nick had strived his best to being at. The one who can make Mandy happy.
“Then you have my blessing.”
Lyrics used in this chapter : Heaven Knows By Rick Price
Opening credit: I Run Away By Britney Spears
-