Five hours is all that was left of 24. The room was beginning to suffocate him. Nobody in there as much as moved a muscle, each entertaining their own thoughts. The Carters were dispersed all over the room, Aaron for one had taken refuge by the window, staring out there for as long as he could remember. Looking at him was the most difficult, the almost exact replica of the man who was lying on that bed, still dead to the world of the living. It was easy to see how much of an influence he had on Aaron. The way he walks, the way he often rub the back of his neck in moments of nervousness, the way he laughs; if it wasn't for the brown instead of the blue of his eyes, they could have passed as twins for all he care.
He decided he had had enough. Sitting around will not help any, in fact, it was making the turmoil in him worked overtime. He walked out of there silently, knowing that everyone was too distracted to even notice his exit.
He acknowledged the extra security on the level, ever since the news had leaked to the public about Nick, the media frenzy had been overwhelmed. He was glad that AJ had made it in time. Azoff had been calling, wanting to know everything so that he could release an official statement and shut them up for awhile. It seemed like everyone wants to know what's going on, but can't they see that he was asking the same questions too? Since when do Backstreet Boys know everything?
Still troubled by his own thoughts, he had found her in the waiting room, eyes staring right ahead into nothingness, glazed and distant, as if caught in a trance of yesteryears. Lying out stretched on the sofa was Ryan, fast asleep, his head cradled on her lap. Her hand kept brushing his bangs away from his forehead. He had told Nick on several occasions that Ryan's nose was the straight descendent of Mandy, cute like a button. But he's daddy's boy right to core bro! Nick would say and he couldn't agree more.
“You want a drink? I'm going to get me one.”
Mandy turned for the first time, wondering how long Kevin had stand there looking at her. Why was he being nice? Shouldn't they be blaming her for everything?
“It's okay, I don't think I can down anything right now. Thanks anyway.”
It surprised her even more when he had walked to the opposite sofa and sat facing her. His eyes were red and swollen, probably from too much crying. She bet her eyes looked the same too.
“I want you to know that whatever happened between you and Nick, it's all in the past, I'm not here to judge you.”
Mandy looked down at the carpeted floor in shame. She would feel much better if they hate her, because she knew she deserved that. Being treated nicely? That wasn't right.
“I'm not proud of what I'd done Kevin. You can hate me all you want, I deserve it after all this.”
Kevin shook his head and looked at her firmly. Mandy began to understand why Nick often squirmed when Kevin got serious. “Look what hatred had cost us so far Mandy, I don't think I want it to go any further than this. He doesn't deserve all this you know.”
Mandy turned to see her son still fast asleep. Yes, he doesn't deserve this.
“He looks every bit like his father don't you think?” Mandy asked.
“Yeah he does.”
“Everyone said so. By the time he started walking, he'd follow Nick everywhere he go. Tried to imitate him even. He looks up to Nick like he's God. Everywhere I go, people keep telling me how much he behaves like his father; his smile, his laughter, his eyes. I got bored of those comments you know. It got to a point where I keep asking myself, where do I fit in this? What about me? I'm his mother, I was here for him all the time when Nick was away with you guys. I wish they would tell me that they see something in him that reflects me. I got so jealous Kevin, it's not right, I know, but that's how I feel.”
Kevin had never considered Mandy seriously before, even after she was married to Nick, he couldn't see pass her naivety. Part of him still blames her for ruining Nick's relationship with his family and at one point, even turned his back on the group. But Jane had had it in her to oversee that incident and gave her blessings and Kevin tried to do the same.
Over the years, he saw the changes in her, Nick was happy when she was around and she seemed the same. There were times when even Kevin had admitted to himself that they right each other's wrong. But to sit down and had a one to one conversation as serious as this, he never had. He always thought there was nothing that a man his age could share in common with someone so young like her.
“I'm not going to take sides Mandy, I guess at some level, I understand where you're at. But you know, Nick would trade all that with you if he could have Ryan call him dad. See, he might inherited his looks, his personality, but he never calls him dad, it outweighs everything don't you think?”
Mandy diverted her gaze to the carpet again, suddenly looking at Kevin was the hardest thing to do. “I guess.”
“Can I just ask you one thing? You don't have to answer it if you don't want to.”
Mandy nodded. What could be worst right?
“Was he ever a bad husband?”
And that was it. He had been anything but bad. Why couldn't she see that? Why did she let jealously get in the way and ruin everything?
“It's not him Kevin, it's me. I don't love him as much as I used to. He has done nothing but love me. I keep asking myself what's going to happen to me? I'm 21 and already a full time mother? I need to grow, I thought I had a career of myself. And Ryan…don't get me wrong, he's the best that ever happen to me, but raising him practically by myself was draining me Kevin, I feel suffocated in our own house. I miss Nick most of the time, I know what I did cannot be justified by all these, but I'd have ask him for a divorce even if he had not seen me with Kyle. It's just a matter of time.”
Kevin watched silently as Mandy poured everything out, it seemed unfair that he had made her spill everything. Nick should be the one listening to all these, perhaps it might help him to see where the marriage had gone wrong in the first place.
“Are you happy with Kyle?”
Mandy nodded. “We're planning to get married at the end of the year. I wanted to forget everything else, start anew you know?”
“But you can't just forget Mandy, Nick will always be in your life no matter what because Ryan needs him. Is that why you were trying to avoid Nick in the first place? You're afraid he'll take Ryan away from you?”
Mandy nodded again. “If he takes Ryan, I'll die. I've been here all his life and Nick is rarely there, and then suddenly he thinks he has the right to take him away? I can't let that happen.”
“You'll die if you don't have Ryan. What do you think Nick has been ever since you won custody of Ryan, Mandy? Do you have any idea how he felt when he was on the road? He wished he was you instead, cause he'd rather be at home with his son than travel all over the world when home is where he wants to be. But at least then, he knew he still have you and Ryan, now he has nothing. He told me several times how he'd give everything up just so he could live a normal life with you and Ryan. But you've been in the business once too right, you know this is our life, we can never quit. Don't you ever think about how he'd feel?”
Mandy shook her head, she wanted to explain herself, but her voice was choked in her tears. She was selfish and now Nick could probably die and never get to hear his son call him daddy.
“Mandy, I'm not here to justify Nick. I asked you all these because I want you to think about the consequences that had been done. Everyone is hurting and I'm sure you don't want that for Ryan right? You loved him once Mandy, and I know somewhere in you, that feeling still exist. All I'm asking is for you to give him what is rightly his. He will never take Ryan away from you, if he wants that, he would have told the court about you and Kyle and win the custody battle hands down. Most importantly, Ryan deserves to grow up knowing who his father is. Not just Nick Carter, but who he really is as a man. Can you do that?”
Mandy only managed a nod. No one had any idea how remorseful she felt then. She needs to right what went wrong. She needs Nick to hear Ryan call him daddy. She needs him to know that she still wants him in her life. She needs Nick to forgive her or she could never be free from the guilt. She needs his blessings to move on.
“Brian, what's wrong?”
Mandy's head shot right up at Kevin's alarming voice. Brian was pulling at his own hair, his eyes glazed in tears and in desperate need of help. He looked so lost that she felt the sinking feeling at the pit of her stomach. She could feel the bile going up her throat and if she loose all her control, she would have throw up right there. Please God, don't take Nick away from us.
“It's Nick…something's wrong.”