"Nick, I'm afraid this is important. It's about your urine test result." Nick sighed. "What about it?"
"I need to know, are you on some other medication?"
Nick frowned. "No, I don't think so."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I'm not on medication, except for the painkillers you gave me."
"Okay then, do you take any other pills besides the painkillers? Some over the counter medication?"
Oh, he remembered it now. "Oh yeah, I er...I took some over the counter pills, what's wrong?"
"Your test result showed traces of fenfluramine, it's a banned appetite suppressant. I want you to stop taking them as well as all the medications I gave you. This is serious Mr. Carter, from the looks of it and the symptoms you told me, you might be having some complications with your liver. I need you to see me ASAP."
Carson was ending his opening announcements and was about to introduce them. At that moment, it was all that mattered. They were about to go out and break the sad news to the fans. He wondered if he could face them and see the disappointed looks the kids would be giving them all. They thought their idols were perfect, they were about to see the truth. They were about to find out how human and imperfect the Backstreet Boys are.
"Look Doc, I have something important to do right now, thanks for the advise, I'll try to make some time later today and drop by okay?"
"You don't understand, you HAVE to make time and see me today. This is serious, you can die from it Nick."
The cheers deafened his ears as he promised the doctor that he would make time and hung up. He felt a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly to get his attention. He turned and found Brian, a small smile on his face. It looked forced.
"Don't worry about it, we'll do this together okay?"
He forced a smiled and nodded.
"Ready?"
"Yeah."
"Lets do it then."
He nodded and walked out into the studio, the first thing he saw were the pairs of eager eyes filled with admiration, looking back at them. The fans. He couldn't help thinking that by the end of the interview, they would be filled with dismay.
He was there for AJ, they were going to tackle the rehab issue, he had to keep reminding himself over and over again. He needed it to drown out the doctor's voice telling him that he could die.
-
Nick stared at the ground beneath him, for the first time since he had been in the land of the in between, he noticed that it was the same ground as wherever it was Vinhorian Alni had brought them. For now, it was the beige carpet of his hotel room. He winced, expecting for the assaults to be hollered his way. He wasn't going to back down though, he knew he had to take responsibility for his actions and he would.
It felt like hours had passed by and still no one said anything. Strange, he thought, and slowly, he raised his head up and was met with four other pairs of eyes looking back at him. Surprisingly, there was no anger or accusations in their eyes. In fact, Nick couldn't even begin to comprehend the looks they were giving him right then.
He turned towards Vinhorian, silently asking him if he should say anything. The man just smiled and with a flick of an eyebrow, told him to look over his shoulder. Nick turned and was in time to see his past self coming out of the bathroom. He remembered that incident. He doubted he could ever forget it for as long as he lived.
- Excusing himself to go to the hospital wasn't difficult. The doctor called, they needed a new x-ray of the wrist, he said, and they didn't even give a second thought about it and told him to go. Better be safe than sorry, Brian had told him. Being told to sit in a doctor's office and having someone telling him
back in his face how he had pretty much screwed his life up wasn't easy though.
Upon returning to the hotel, he learned that the Backstreet Boys were officially on hiatus for as long as AJ needed to clear his mind and system. He was also told that both Kevin and Brian had already took their flights home and left a message for him to call them once he was back from the appointment. Howie had bought two tickets back to Florida for the evening flight but Nick's appointment had stretched longer than expected. "He changed your ticket for tonight's flight and he wants you to call him once you're in Florida", their PA told him. He nodded to everything and smiled and had gone straight to his suite, where he could finally be alone.
Heading straight for the bathroom right after he had plopped his backpack on the bed, he found himself facing the porcelain basin, heaving out colourless liquid that tasted sour to his tongue. He realized he had not had lunch but eating was the last thing on his mind. Nauseous just thinking of what he had done to himself, he washed his face and rinsed his mouth before finally exiting the bathroom, skipping his daily ritual of staring at his face in the mirror. Why bother, he wouldn't like the reflection that stared back at him anyway.
He sat on the bed and pulled his backpack closer, almost hugging it. Staring at it for a few minutes, contemplating on whether he should open it. Finally, he sighed, and tore the bag open, pulling out a white plastic bag. Spilling out its contents, he found six identical orange bottles looking back at him.
He took one randomly and read the label. The nurse had kindly written down what they were for in English when he had embarrassingly told her that he couldn't remember which scientific name was for what.
Antibiotics, take one, twice a day, must complete medication. The pills were green.
For the Liver, take three, three times a day, must complete medication. They were yellow.
Iron for your blood, take one daily, must complete medication. They were black.
For fever, take two, three times a day, taken only when needed. They were pink.
He knew the orange tablets were painkillers for his wrist and the blue capsules were for muscle aches.
Lack of energy, muscle aches, breathing problems, they're all symptoms to a liver complication, Nick. This brand of diet pills you were taking had already killed six women in the US and five more are in ICU, I'm just thankful that we did a thorough check on your urine sample.
These pills were officially banned from sale six weeks ago, where did you get yours from? We have to stop them from selling more. Six women already dead because of those pills? Five in ICU? Where had he been living all this while? How come he didn't know?
"How long have you been taking them?"
"About a year."
"That's long enough to cause serious damage Nick. When was the last time you were sick?"
"I don't know, but I've been in and out of it since the tour started. I just thought I was tired."
"Okay, there's no need to be alarmed for now. We will have the x-ray now and see what it tells us. We'll go from there."
The x-ray brought further bad news and even when he was seated comfortably on the bed, it still felt surreal. It hadn't sunk in yet. What was going on with all of them? How did something that started out as fun and adventurous turne into stress and business? Where were the usual banters that always went around them? Had they really grown up? Of course they had, in the entertainment business, they don't take children seriously, so they grew up, for Nick, he grew hard.
Put the walls up and don't let anybody in. Remember that anyone who is nice always wants something back in return. Follow the pack cause you will never go wrong then. Always agree to everyone else because they're all older and more mature than you. Always smile even when you don't feel like it, so they won't start prying.
You're the heartthrob so act like one.
He thought of AJ and what he could probably be doing right then. It would be the first night for him in a totally different environment. Everybody is still a stranger but they all have one thing in common. Addiction. He bet that all five of them will go to sleep that night wondering if things will ever get better for them. He wasn't quite sure about Howie, Kevin or Brian, but he was sure that AJ would wake up the next day wishing that it had all been a nightmare. And Nick would wake up wishing that he wasn't really dying.
For the second time that day, Nick cried and never held back.
-
"I don't even know where to start asking you, man." AJ said. "Care to enlighten us a bit?"
Nick bit his lower lip. Where does he start? When exactly did things change for him?
"I got tired."
"Of?" Kevin asked.
"Of what they kept saying about me." Nick sighed. "They kept saying how fat I was and that I wasn't appealing to the girls anymore. I can't be the heart throb if I'm fat."
"Is that what this is all about? Cause you're afraid you won't be the heart throb anymore?" AJ yelled. Nick winced, he knew they were accusing him now. How shallow are you Nick? They didn't have to say it out loud, the look on their faces said it all.
"I know what my role in the group is. You guys thought I wasn't capable of listening to advice being so young, but I was. Lou came to my room one night and told me that I had the toughest job in the band. That above all the singing and dancing and perfect harmonizing, the heart throb has the most difficult job and he had given that job to me. He said I have what it takes to be one."
Brian's face fell, how long had his friend been lost? "Nick, you know that's stupid. Lou doesn't know shit."
"I don't see it as stupid Brian, I see it as my calling. Kevin is the big brother, Howie is the peace maker, Brian's the joker, AJ's the hard edge we need to separate ourselves from the other boybands. And I am the heart throb, it's what I am."
"Nick, you can't start stereotyping each of us that way. It's team work, remember?" Howie asked, shaking his head in disbelief.
"But I don't know how to be anything else. I'm all about being the blonde, blue eyed one, the young one, the cute one, the one girls would like to bring home to their parents and I was fine with it guys. I was happy and content just being that. I was never good with meetings, they won't take me seriously anyway. They even told me to let big guys handle the business side. Just agree and sign them okay, they know best, they said, and I always listened. Don't you see? If they decided that I'm not cut out to be the heart throb anymore, I'd be nobody. I'd be lost."
Kevin wished he could walk over to Nick and gave him the very same hug he received from them not long ago. The young man needed it more than he did. There were times when he would look at Nick and see that lost look in him, but Kevin had no idea he would be that lost. He stopped himself from going over for the hug though, because he knew Nick would refuse it.
"Is that why you took those pills?"
Nick nodded. "I thought as long as I kept myself fit, people would still love me. I can still be the heart throb."
"Nick, I'm sorry you think so small of yourself. I know this is too late, but you're a lot more than just good looks. So it was our fault that sometimes we didn't give you the credit that you deserve, I want you to know that what really matters is that you're happy, screw everybody else." Brian said.
"Yeah, I realized that after I got arrested at that stupid pub. That's why I wanted to go solo. That's why you were so mad at me, but like you said, screw everybody else right? I needed my release and I wasn't going to sit around until I found myself beyond help and had to check myself into rehab." Nick replied and then looked at AJ. "I do listen to good advice you know."
"I'm sorry we weren't as supportive from the start." Kevin said. "If things had been-"
"No Kevin, it's okay." Nick cut in. "I was mad at you guys for being so mad at me, cause I tried to explain myself but I felt like nobody heard me. But this trip...this trip is a miracle by itself. I understand now that all this time, you weren't mad at me. You were mad at yourselves. We all had too many secrets that we kept from each other guys, and it's eating us from the inside. We were all looking for a scapegoat. I happened to be there."
AJ bit his lips. "You actually listened to my advice?"
Nick smirked. "You'd be surprised at how much all of you influence me. I might not be the most pleasant guy to get stuck with for long, but it doesn't mean I was oblivious to everything."
"You're pleasant, just annoying some times." Howie joked.
They laughed and Nick found himself smiling. It had been awhile since he saw them smile so genuinely. The journey only brought back bad memories that somehow made them better.
"But I need you to understand, that going solo is as personal as you having a baby, or getting married, or running your charity foundation or simply putting your life back on track. Those things are personal and cherished by you guys, it's the same thing for me."
"We heard ya kiddo." Kevin beamed.
"Loud and clear." Howie replied.
Nick smiled, it truly felt uplifting now that everything was in the open. "Thanks, I appreciate that."
Brian, who was standing next to him all the while and listening to all he had to say, reached out his hand and rested it on Nick's arm, gaining his attention at once. "So you've been sick all these while?"
Nick sighed. "It's not as bad as it sounds guys. I just have to watch my diet and not cramp my schedule too tight and I'll be fine."
"But those pills are something you have to take until when?" Howie asked.
"For as long as I live." Nick replied casually. "But it's not like I'm crippled in any way. I'm fine."
"I'm still sorry I was never quite there for you." Kevin said.
"Look, the hiatus meant that we got away from each other, got our own lives back. I totally understand it."
"Children." Vinhorian said, butting in. AJ raised his eyebrow. "Vinhorian Alni, did you just tease us?"
"I'm going to show you that no matter how far the five of you are from each other, you never really disconnect yourselves from each other totally." Vinhorian said and then looked at AJ. "And for you to see that, you have to hold hands, or hug, if you want it that way, and yes, as a matter of fact, I am capable of making jokes too."
AJ grabbed hold of Kevin's hand to his left and Howie's to his right, smiling at Vinhorian as he did so. "Okay, just checking."
