Howie almost rolled his eyes at that comment. Of course Nick Carter would say something like that in the midst of an emotional outburst. Break the tense atmosphere with a simple line like that and hope that no one saw how he was struggling not to show his true emotions while discreetly wiping his tear stains away. A lot of people thought that AJ was the hard one, the one who would try his very best to avoid such emotional confrontation but they were wrong. AJ was never ashamed to show how he truly felt, contrary to popular belief, his softer side outshined his tough shell most of the time, just don't tell that to the man right to his face though, he would deny it to no end.
"Hey Vin, we transported ourselves when we hugged right? Coolness!"
Howie found himself smiling. He wondered if Nick ever realized that his facade was beginning to thin away as the years passed by. Did he really expect that none of them would finally see through him? It was beginning to feel odd to Howie at first, when he would see Kevin and knew how he was feeling right at that moment without even asking him. Or that he knew what was going to come out of AJ's mouth before he even said a word. When Brian was unhappy with a decision they had made but didn't say anything or when Nick tried to cover up his true feelings with mask after mask. He saw them and he bet that they saw the same thing in him but no one really acknowledged these feelings out loud, because it would sound corny.
Oh, we're totally tight, we don't have to talk to communicate, we have a silent understanding.
Right. That sounded like something girls would say out loud, not them. God forbid.
But they weren't perfect, he knew that. If they were, there would be no secrets to unveil.
It made him sick just thinking of the fact that when he thought he had no one who really understood him and what he was going through, that they were facing their demons as well. Perhaps if he had not been so petty as to feel so sorry for himself and accept the very fact that Caroline had passed away and life had to go on, he might have been a better friend to AJ and saved him from further destruction. He might not have ended up in rehab then.
He wondered if Kevin was holding back his excitement from spilling about the adoption to him when he had called to give him the moral support for Caroline's anniversary. And if only they had not kept their secrets from each other, they might have realized that they weren't much different. One losing his sister, another, losing his daughter. Perhaps if AJ had known about it, he would see that he was far better off than he thought.
"Yes Nick, the hug transported you guys out here. Would you like to stick to that for the rest of the journey?"
"We're not gays!" AJ exclaimed.
"Hugging doesn't make you gay Bone, jeez man." Nick said, smirking.
"I thought it was nice. That was our first group hug ever since the hiatus." Kevin pointed out.
"It was good, we really needed that." Brian agreed.
"You okay Kev?" AJ asked.
Kevin nodded and smiled. "Actually, I feel a lot better that you guys knew about it. I've been keeping it for too long, I needed this, it's like a confession."
And it truly felt good, Howie couldn't deny that. It did make him look vulnerable, to have his secrets out in the open, but it also felt like a burden was lifted off of him. He wasn't feeling remorse anymore, Caroline's death had brought forward so many positive outcomes that he now realized, her passing away meant so much more than death and endings. It brought new beginnings to a lot of people and personally, it brought out the best in him that he never thought he possessed in the first place.
"So what's next Vin?" Howie said, sounding almost too happy. It didn't go unnoticed.
"Damn D, are you finding all this entertaining now?" Brian asked.
Howie shrugged casually. "I'm off the hook now, I can sit back and watch."
"So am I." Kevin laughed.
"I'm just delighted to watch myself going from bad to worse as we move along." AJ replied sarcastically.
Howie watched the silent exchange between Brian and Nick, both looked as uncomfortable. It was time to reveal another secret. Which one would it be, the man who seemed to be complete or the one who had been poisoning himself with whatever pills he was taking.
"So Vin, not that I'm excited like these guys are, but where are we?" Brian asked.
Vinhorian, as always, had witnessed the entire conversation silently, never to interrupt unless necessary and never intrusive. It was weird that when he had come as a stranger, Howie couldn't help feeling that he had known this man for as long as he had known the guys.
"I'm taking you guys into the Black and Blue Tour." -
Nick decided that he had made up his mind. Girls are Satan in disguise. Be it blonde, brunette, black, brown. It doesn't matter anymore if they have piercing blue eyes or green, brown or anything in between, at the end of the day, they all reveal one thing. Evil at its purest form.
And they prey on unsuspecting and gullible boys, like him.
They made you think that you're the only one, that they are the answers you've been searching for when the truth was, HE was the answer THEY were looking for. Good publicity, a record deal, worthy mentions in magazines and not to mention, being the envy of girls around the world. Yes, they dated Nick Carter, seen things his fans couldn't see and feel him in ways fans couldn't reach. And then they leave him. Dana is now just another name to add to that list. Along with the Mandys, the Shaynes, the Tiffanys, the Candice...
As long as there are fans, he would be all right. No more girlfriends and falling in love, they seemed to turn evil from then on. He would just be what they always perceived him to be, unreachable and up there on stage.
Normally, he would have hated to join AJ party the night away in some random club after a concert because he hated to see how wasted AJ would be after that. He had expected AJ to be distant and difficult after he returned from the two weeks off for him to attend his grandmother's funeral. That was how Howie had been when Caroline passed away. It was difficult for him at first, since Howie had always been the friendly one, but he soon found out that time heals all wounds. In AJ's case, it was different, and Nick once again, found himself confused.
AJ didn't hide the fact that he was sad and disturbed by his grandmother's departure and the fact that it was over between him and Amanda, but at the same time, he wasn't distant or difficult. In fact, he partied like he had always done before and flirted whenever there were sexy ladies around. And secretly, Nick didn't mind at all.
He was actually glad, because it made it a lot easier for him. No mourning friend to console, he didn't have to watch what he was saying around AJ because he seemed to not have a care in the world. That was exactly what he needed. Not a care in the world. Put yourself out there and enjoy it. No commitments, no relationships, no heartbreaks.
The sudden shrill of his cell phone woke him up from his daze. Yawning, he pressed the answer button, knowing exactly who was on the other line.
"I said in a minute J, don't tell me you can't wait that long."
"You're wasting the night away Nick, come on, stop dolling yourself up!"
"I need to take a leek, hold your horses I'll be down in a few."
He hung up, not giving AJ a chance to reply, he knew the man would only have something better to say and they would be stuck in the conversation, each trying to outdo the other.
Reaching inside his backpack, he fished out the familiar travel pack, searching for the bottle. He smiled when he saw it sandwiched between his facial wash and a mini bottle of aftershave.
He swallowed the pill expertly, not really bothered that he had not washed it down with water. Looking at the content of the bottle, he realized he had three left and that had been his countless bottle so far.
"Why the hell not." He shrugged and took two more, leaving one for tomorrow morning. He would have to remember to stop by some pharmacy and get another stock. -
"That was the night I broke your arm." AJ said.
Nick nodded. "Yeah."
"So you've been taking that shit for that long?" Kevin asked.
"I think the more important question is, what is that shit?" Brian pointed out.
"Yeah Nick, what the hell were you taking?" Howie asked. "And were you supposed to take that much?"
"Ever consider working for the Sun guys?" Nick snapped. He hated it when all of them started throwing him question after question in a single blow, it felt like he was being interrogated.
"Nick, you have to understand, this is very much a newsflash to us all. And we know whatever it is you took is killing you now, we're just concerned." Brian explained.
Nick blushed, knowing that he had sounded defensive. He had no right to, he was equally guilty for wanting to know their secrets.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"Well, care to explain?" AJ asked.
"Wait, before you start asking questions, I have more to show you." Vinhorian interrupted calmly. "I ask that you keep in mind what you just saw and concentrate on what I'm about to show you now. Like I said before, we have to show you exactly in order how the incident occurred. For now, you just have to keep what you know about Nick aside. It's not the issue, yet."
Nick smirked. "You know Vin, never thought I'd say this, but thanks for the cliffy. Procrastination is good for now."
-
"Mr. Carter, didn't expect you to be back so soon. Is there anything I can help you with? Is the cast too tight for your comfort?"
Nick sat in the doctor's office with a hunched back, the broken wrist protectively resting on his abdomen. It had felt like forever just to get to the doctor's office, wishing that he had some miracle pill that would stop all the pain.
"The cast is okay, but I don't think the pain killers are working."
"Oh? The wrist still hurting?"
"Not just the wrist, it's everything." Nick said. "I don't think my body is accepting those pills, I feel sick."
The doctor's frown showed that he had finally got his fullest attention. Nick felt a little relief, now if only he could stop the pain.
"Can you tell me exactly what you're feeling?"
Nick shrugged. "I don't know...just tired and achy...a little out of breath sometimes, but I'm sure it's from the touring and stuff. I get sick easily when I'm burned out."
"Okay," the doctor nodded inquisitively. "I need a urine sample from you, just to make sure."
"Do I have to wait for the results? I can't be late, we have a lot to do today."
"No, I'll give you a strong dosage of the painkillers and I'll call you personally once the results are back."
-
Although he still felt like shit, the painkillers worked. The constant soft throbbing wasn't as unbearable. The result of the urine test was the last thing on his mind and the broken wrist seemed to be the least of his worries as they waited backstage, ready to be announced on TRL.
The day before had been a blur. He had returned from the hospital looking forward to spending the rest of the day heavily drugged up with the painkillers, summoning blissful sleep. He found himself instead, being awakened less than an hour later by Brian, telling him that there was an urgent group meeting to attend to.
"Can I skip it? I really don't feel so well."
"AJ asked for this meeting."
It was all that Brian needed to say to get him up and about. He never blamed AJ for his broken wrist because it was partly his fault and the meeting seemed to be the best time to tell him that. They had barely exchanged any words to each other ever since the incident. Not that he didn't want to, but he found himself, for the first time, afraid of AJ.
The meeting was brief but had been the most intimate one by far. Hearing AJ finally confessing to his problems and asking them for help was all it took to take the pain away. His friend was getting help and he was glad.
But as he waited for the signal for them to enter the TRL studio the next day, about to tell the whole world of AJ's rehab, he couldn't help feeling lost. How did they turn out this way?
The soft vibration of his cell phone yanked him out of his troubled thoughts though. Quickly fishing the cell phone out, all thoughts of telling the caller that he can't talk right then was immediately dampened. It was from the doctor's office.
-
Looking back now, Brian remembered being unsure if he was even ready to go out there and tell the whole world about the downfall of AJ Mc Lean. He was worried that people would start accusing their honest gesture as a publicity stunt to further promote their poor sale of Black and Blue. And he was especially worried that the fans would call them liars. They had always been personified as the all clean, well behaved boys, even with the tattoos that they each had, with the exception of Howie, engraved somewhere on their body.
He was disappointed when he saw Nick talking on the phone when Carson was about to present their appearance to the fans. He thought the sight of him talking on the cell would come across as insincere. He saw the disapproving look on Kevin's face too but Nick was too engrossed in his conversation to notice this, and if he did, he didn't seem to get the hint.
Howie was in a world of his own to even notice and Brian didn't blame him.
When Nick finally ended the conversation, the frown was back on his face. In fact, he seemed to be utterly distraught. Whatever it was that had been discussed in the conversation had upset him and that, amounting to what they were about to do, was a little bit too much on the young man. Immediately, the annoyance he had felt for his best friend dissipated. He went over to him and rested his hand on his shoulder and gave it a little squeeze. He always did that whenever Nick was upset about something, he learned that it was the only way to get the young man to open up and calm down.
Don't worry about it, we'll do this together okay, he had said and Nick had nodded and smiled, even if it was forced.
Ready?
Yeah.
Lets do it then.
Brian was certain that it surprised even Howie and Kevin when Nick had broke down on national TV. Sure the boy loves the attention when he got on stage or on TV, but to go to the extreme as to cry, when it had been years since Nick ever let them see him cry that open, was shocking.
Besides, Brian thought that Nick was still angry at AJ for breaking his wrist. Of course they couldn't tell that to the public, imagine all the speculation that would lead up to. So they made a story about Nick being reckless and breaking his wrist while playing basketball. That was about the only lie they had to say and Brian still feel guilty about that.
Now, as he looked back, he had an inkling suspicion that Nick wasn't just crying about AJ that day, that phone call had somehow played a part.
"I've always wondered what that phone call was all about." Kevin said as he looked at Nick.
"Yeah Nick, now that I see this again...did the phone call upset you in some way?" Brian asked.
Howie shook his head in disbelief, still starring at their past selves talking on TRL. "I didn't even know you were on the phone backstage. I was totally out of it."
"That must have been hard for you guys." AJ said, sounding a little guilty.
"Not as hard as where you were going then." Brian assured him. AJ smiled. "So how about it Nick, care to tell us more?"
Nick scratched his head, still unsure how to begin. He had never been that open, it felt like he was asking for sympathy and he hated that.
"Yeah, the phone call upset me a little."
"And that's all you need to know for now." Vinhorian Alni added. All five pairs of eyes looked back at him inquisitively, even Nick. "Like I said, we have to go in order guys...there are more pressing issues for you to see before we reveal more about the phone call."
"But Vin, you don't put cliffies on something this important!" Kevin argued. "We heard what the doctor said when you put us into this for the first time. Nick could die, and if that isn't important enough, I don't know what is."
"At least tell us what's wrong." AJ said, trying his hand at what seemed like a negotiation. It almost made Howie chuckle. Kevin's losing his temper and AJ's the negotiator? Wow, twilight zone has really messed them up.
"I'm sorry guys, but once you see the whole picture, you'll know why." Vinhorian explained. He looked at Kevin and said, "Before this Kevin, all of you thought AJ going to rehab was THE most concerning thing that the group should handle together, but after they found out about what happened to you and Kristen, things changed. That was a great deal and they didn't even know about it. And AJ might look at it and see that whatever happened to Howie back then was a great deal too. What I'm trying to say is, there is no 'more important than the other', they're all equally important. That's why we have to handle it the same way it happened. In order."
"I say Vinhorian makes a lot of sense." Nick agreed.
AJ rolled his eyes. "And here I am thinking that you're just glad you're safe for now."
"So how about it then Vin? Where are you taking us now?" Howie asked as they stood in a circle, hands clasped together.
"Damn, I just realized...this holding hands thingy is just like our group prayer routine before shows." Kevin said out loud.
"And everybody thought I'm slow." Nick scoffed.
"Hey watch it." Kevin warned, but the grin on his face failed to make Nick cringe back like he normally would when it came to Kevin and his warnings.
"Nice one Kaos." AJ laughed.
"Thanks."
Vinhorian smiled at the light jokes going around, they really needed that. "We're going to Japan, the last stop of the Second Leg of the Black & Blue Tour."
"Why look, we're visiting to a past where I'm actually sober." AJ gasped, feigning surprise.
