“Ungrateful asshole, that’s what he is!” AJ hissed under his breath as he poured yet another spoonful of sugar into his cup of tea. His eyes staring deep into the swirl of dark brown liquid, hand roughly stirring the drink, not caring even when a great amount of it spilled on the counter table of the kitchen cabinet.
“After all that we’ve been through and this become his final decision? The coward! Why wait for death, I’ll just go in there and choke the life out of him! Asshole!”
“Stop talking to yourself and drink that tea, taste the same no matter how long you stir it.”
AJ turned around, a little alarmed at the sudden voice that had rudely interrupted his space. He glared at him and decided to drink his tea instead of voicing out what crudeness he had yelled in his head. He spat the drink out though and shoved the glass away in his irritation, not caring if he spilled major amount of it on the counter table again. How many spoonful of sugar had he poured in there? Tasted like drinking caramel.
“Fuck!”
“You didn’t mean what you said, did you?” The voice asked, approaching him.
“Yes I mean it, fuck, everything’s fuck!”
“I didn’t mean the fuck, I meant earlier.” He smirked. “cause we’re all disappointed, but it’s his decision J, we have to respect that.”
“I’m not wasting my time respecting someone on his way to suicide Kevin! How can he be so selfish? Didn’t he think about us? About his family? His fans?”
Kevin leaned against the refrigerator, the metal surface sending chills to his arm. “Have you think about what it’s doing to him?”
“There’s still hope Kev, if he’d just stay and let those experts work on him, he could survive this!”
“Didn’t you hear anything Dr. Smith told us yesterday J? His liver is collapsing bro, damaged beyond repair, there’s nothing more they can do.”
AJ nodded in despair. Of course he heard it, every single word of it in fact. He needed at least half of a liver from a relative and so far, all of the Carters had been tested negative. Brian suggested to the doctors to test them even though they were told that compatibility rate with non relatives were pretty much zero and even if they find one, such a transplant had never been done before. But they tried anyway and all results came out negative.
Still undaunted, they called the Backstreet crew, who had been a part of the large extended family and persuaded them to go for the test to save their brother’s life. None came back positive. There were some big hearted folks at JIVE who went for the test too and they too, came out negative. Howie even suggested that they should make a public announcement to literally plead to those who care, to come out and give the test a go.
That was when Nick had drawn the line. He didn’t look half as bad as he was then, AJ recalled. A little pale, yes, but he was strong enough to carry conversations and understand what others were telling him.
“I will wait in line like everybody else. If there is no donor compatible for me, then we’ll leave to that.”
They had respected that decision and even went along when Nick expressed his desires to be sent back home where he could spend the rest of his life at. AJ had regretted that decision.
“But they could take care of him there Kevin, he would last longer there.”
“And what good would that do for him AJ? We’re buying a little more time to have him with us, but it’s added pain to him. I think we should just treasure what is left with him instead of hiding back here and cursing everybody.”
AJ bit his bottom lip, his gaze now downward to the tiled floor. It was muddled green with intricate patterns that reminded him of the legends of the Kings of Greek. He was there when Nick had chosen those tiles for the floors in the kitchen. ‘This kitchen will be filled with feasts fit for the kings J, just you see’ Nick had told him. He snickered at the thought. If Kings eat pizzas out of the boxes and guzzle down bottles of mountain dew, then so be it.
“How do you do it?”
Kevin frowned, trying to meet his gaze. “Do what?”
“Accepting his decision and letting go like that? You didn’t even argue or persuade him otherwise like you always do. Even Brian say nothing. Howie never second guess anybody so I don’t expect him to start now, but not you both.”
Kevin sighed and pushed himself away from the fridge. He was tired, so tired. “It’s his choice and I respect it.” He paused and then fixed his gaze on AJ’s, holding him in his stare. “But I said nothing of letting go. I doubt I can ever do that.”
-
The living room was filled with the Carters, it saddened AJ that it had to come to this to have them all back under one roof and not biting each others’ heads off. The Richardsons, Doroughs, Littrells and Mc Leans were there too. Everyone was comforting one another, just waiting for the inevitable to happen and it frustrated AJ to no end.
It wasn’t anybody’s fault, the way things were going, it was fated that the end was near for Nick but it just felt wrong to sit around until Brian or Howie came running out of the room and telling everybody Nick had passed. Wrong, so wrong.
“I don’t like this Kevin, everybody’s just waiting for someone to come tell them Nick is gone.” AJ whispered sadly as they passed everyone and started making it up the stairs to Nick’s room.
“Me too bro, me too.”
“It’s just wrong. He can’t just leave things the way it is. Did he tell you he’s trying to get the family back together?”
Kevin nodded. “He did.”
“He’s going to pass away knowing he hasn’t done shit. And the fans Kev…we left them hanging at the red carpet, we didn’t tell anyone he’s dying. And our album, we did that half way too. He’s suppose to record his part this week. Everything’s unfinished, he can’t go this way, he-”
“AJ, you know all those are beyond his hands now, all we can do is be there with him and make his last days count. You with us bro?”
AJ nodded, batting the tears away. “Yeah, we’ll make him happy, screw everybody else.”
-
Brian and Howie were sitting on the bed pretzel style, careful not to disturb Nick who was still sleeping in the middle of the bed. Nick hadn’t let any of them go anywhere else ever since all five of them were in the room. AJ had to lie and said he was going to the bathroom to get away for awhile. Seeing Nick getting weaker had taken a toll on him. He would still be hiding in the kitchen if Kevin hadn’t found him.
“Good, he’s still asleep, he needs the rest.” Kevin said to no one in particular.
“That’s not good, we don’t know if he’ll ever wake up again. He’s gonna have forever for rest, I want him awake right now.” AJ said.
Brian patted the space next to him on the bed, beckoning AJ to come over. “He’s not gonna be too happy if he sees you out of bed when he wakes up.”
“He pretty much put us under bed arrest.” Howie joked. “And with that said, you too Kevin, jump on board.”
Kevin stood there looking at the four figures on the spacious bed. Nick was too still. Too still for his comfort.
“Think it’s a good idea to be in bed with him? We might hurt him.”
“We won’t. Come on, get in already.” Howie replied.
Nick stirred in his sleep the moment Kevin climbed in the bed. He tried to climb back down but paused instead when he saw Nick waking up.
“Oh hey Nick, sorry, it’s just us, go back to sleep.”
Brian slapped Kevin on his arm. “Or you can wake up if you want.”
Kevin glared at his cousin but Brian was oblivious to it. He wanted Nick awake, he wanted to hear his voice, he wanted to spend the precious seconds talking with him and telling him everything that he wanted Nick to know. Sleeping was dangerous, sleeping could mean not waking up forever.
“What you guys talking about?” Nick asked, sounding rather weak but seemed wide awake by then. Howie saw him trying to push himself up and had came to his aid to help him lean back on the bedpost.
“I was telling them that I’m gonna take over your part for that song we were recording last week.” AJ said with a grin on his face. AJ secretly decided if Backstreet was to end after that, he would go into acting.
Kevin smacked him on his head. Nick frowned. “You tell him Kev, he’s gonna ruin the whole song. You don’t sound like me dawg.”
“That hurts Nick. Who you wanna let sing that part then? Howie? He’s gonna make it all high. Not cool man.”
Howie smacked him on the back of his head.
“WHAT?” AJ cried.
Nick smiled. “You tell him D. Howie doesn’t sound high, he sounds feminine.”
Roars of laughter filled the room. Genuine laugh. They might not know it, but the laughter rang throughout the house and reached those loitering around in the living room. It brought tears to their eyes, knowing that the four of them could do something for Nick that they never could.
Laugh.
Back in the room, Howie and Brian had taken refuge lying on their back on each side of Nick. AJ was lying sideways next to Howie, his elbow propped up to carry his weight, AJ wanted to see Nick’s face, when his eyes are still open. Kevin was lying at the end of the bed, near their feet, he too was propped on his elbow, looking at the four of them.
They had been talking, about the past, the present and the future. It surprised Kevin how comfortable the conversation were going, nobody was crying, in fact, most of the conversation had put smiles on their faces. He wasn’t sure if it was an act from Brian, Howie and AJ but either way, he liked the way things were going.
“You know what I really wish I could do for the last time?” Nick asked out of the blue.
Kevin felt the sting hitting straight for his heart, he bet the others felt it too but nobody stopped Nick.
“What?” Howie asked.
“Get laid.” AJ replied. Brian giggled. Kevin smirked.
“Yeah, that too.” Nick laughed. “But no, that’s not what I was thinking.”
“Good, cause there’s no woman around except us and coming out of the closet is too late now Nick.” Brian joked.
“Ah damn it, was thinking of orgy too.”
“Nicky!” Howie exclaimed. “You never change.”
“What’s to change when nothing’s broken.” Kevin said, smiling. He swore he saw a glint in Nick’s eyes but it was gone before he could really made up his mind.
“Thanks man,” Nick blushed. “but seriously, wasn’t thinking of orgy or anything sexual right now.”
“Okay, so spill, what’s your wish, we’ll try to make it happen.” Howie said.
“I wish we could see Vin together, one last time.”
The room fell silent for what seemed like an eternity. Brian felt helpless, knowing that Nick’s last wish would never come true. Whenever he thinks of Vinhorian Alni and the places he had brought them, it felt surreal. Sometimes he even wondered if it really happened. He missed him.
“I miss him.” AJ said, echoing his thoughts.
“Me too.” Nick replied.
“I think we all do.” Howie said. “Although I always have a feeling that he’s here all along.”
“I feel that way too.” Brian said.
“It’s like his here, but not really here.” AJ said. “If that makes sense.”
“It does. When I die, it’d be like that. I’m here, but not really here.” Nick said. The room fell silent again, until Kevin broke it.
“I always wonder why Vin never showed us the future though.”
“Yeah, that’d be great,” Howie nodded. “see if we finally get a Grammy or something.”
Brian laughed but it was short-lived. They don’t need Vinhorian to tell them that. Nick would be leaving them, the Backstreet Boys would come to an end. There would be no Grammies. He didn’t even care about Grammies at that point.
“I wonder if he’d show me my funeral. That’d be kinda cool.” Nick said.
“Nick…” Kevin sighed. He didn’t know what to say but he had to say something, he had to stop Nick from saying anything further or he’d break down right there and Kevin wasn’t planning on breaking down. He had invested so much on that smiling face.
“Guys, I’ve accepted my fate, I wish I don’t have to go like this but shit happens. Let me go?”
“I don’t think I can ever do that Nicky.” AJ said. Screw it all, if nobody’s going to cave in, AJ will.
“We won’t stop you from going, but we’ll never let go.” Brian said, feeling the tears now brimming in his eyes.
“Yeah, you’ll always be our lil bro.” Howie cried.
Kevin touched Nick’s left foot, getting his attention. Nick never let a tear drop, but the sadness in his eyes, the resignation on his face, said everything. He didn’t want to die.
Kevin couldn’t say a word. Words wouldn’t mean a thing now. There were so much to say, he wanted Nick to know everything that he felt but he couldn’t find the perfect thing to tell him. Would it even matter now?
“Hey, I’ll watch over you guys from up there.” Nick said, trying his best to sound cheerful. “And I’ll throw in the occasional cupid’s arrow when you need some loving.”
AJ laughed first. The mental picture of Nick in silky white robe with wings and a golden halo above his head holding a bow an arrow, aiming for his butt, was too much. Fortunately, his laughter was infectious, soon, all five were laughing. But there was something different with this laughter. It was filled with tears.
“Do me a favour?” Nick asked as he yawned.
“Name it.” Howie said.
“I wanna sleep. Sleep with me?”
AJ took one last look into those tired blue eyes. Nick never wanted to see them cry, AJ knew that much. He also knew that Nick didn’t want the last memory of the five of them together to be filled with sad tears. That was just the way with Nick. He saw things in the positive light, caving in only happened when everything else fails. And Nick hardly fails in anything he desired to accomplish.
AJ closed his eyes, willing for those blue eyes to be embedded in his memory. He yawned. “Goodnight Nicky. Goodnight guys.”
They exchanged goodnights, AJ was sure they were all pretending to ignore the inevitable. Yes, they would wake up and Nick would wake up with them.
“Goodnight guys,” came Nick’s soft reply last. “see you in the morning.”
AJ bit his bottom lip, forbidding the tears from spilling. There would be no more morning or night for Nick, somewhere deep inside, he was sure that they knew this would be their last goodbye.