The DLF meeting had ended in a rush because Howie wasn't feeling up to it. His mind wasn't anywhere near brainstorming for the next charity event and after an hour in the room, he felt the need to break free, to be on his own. He thought that perhaps, if he had busied himself with his foundation, he might find some peace of mind but it had proved futile.
What he needed was to have the Backstreet Boys back, locked in a room and never let out until they had everything settled. He had lost contact with all of them ever since the last meeting ended and had months of torment just staying awake late at night wondering what had happened with them.
Every night it was the same wish he had uttered.
I wish I had not said the things I said.
It was weird. Whenever he thought about the incident, he always came up with the decision that it wasn't the Brian he knew who had walked out of the room and walked off from his bestfriend. It wasn't the Kevin he knew who had childishly taken a stab at the young man whom he had self-confessed to protect. It wasn't the AJ he knew who had walked out of the room without even a galnce over at the boy whom he had always defended whenever he was picked on by people in the business, taking him as nothing but a young boy they could use in name of profit.
Most importantly, he didn't know himself when he had uttered those words to Nick.
He wished he could take it back.
This one needs guidance no matter how old he gets, never abandon him in times of need, that was what his mother had told him the very first time he had brought Nick home to be introduced to his family. He was barely thirteen then but the advice had stuck with Howie to this very day. All it took was one simple meeting and he had disregarded the very advice that could have saved them all.
He walked out of the building wondering if Nick would ever forgive him for saying the things he said.
"Howie!"
His long strides slowed down at the mention of his name, he looked behind his shoulder but never stopped walking. Hopefully this would give a hint that he had no plans of staying around any longer.
"Yeah Richard, what can I do for you?"
The tall dark man, whom Howie had always been reminded of Kevin, caught up with his pace. A file was tucked under his arm as he used his free hand to loosen the tie around his neck, it was scorching hot out in the open. "I know you're rushing off but could you sign this first?"
"What's this?"
"Remember the plan we talked about having trips to Junior High Schools?"
Howie nodded. "Well, I've prepared the propositions and I was thinking of sending them out by today. All I need is your signature."
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. Here, let me just sign it real quick."
"So, are you going to be like in a cameo for Nick's video or what?" Howie stopped reading the letter and looked up, head tilted to the side inquisitively. "Excuse me?"
Richard broke into a smile and his eyes widened. "I saw Nick two days ago and I found out he'll be like a ten minute drive from here to shoot his first video. I thought you would go there for morale support. That's why you were in a rush at the meeting right?"
"Oh yeah..."
"I thought so too. I asked him if you'd be there since it's not far from here and he said he didn't want to trouble anyone."
"He said that?"
"Yeah. But I told him to call you anyway cause I knew you would go and show support, I guess it worked, seeing how you're in a rush."
Howie nodded, still unsure of what to do. He couldn't possibly tell this man how horrible he had been and that Nick probably wouldn't want to have anything to do with him anymore.
"Okay then, I won't hold you back."
Howie looked down at the file in his hand where the piece of paper laid, waiting to be signed. He quickly had it authorized and passed it back to Richard.
"Here you go, I have to go now, thanks for doing this for me."
"No problem, I'll see to everything for now, you have fun."
Howie smiled. "Sure thing."
-
It wasn't difficult to spot, the white tent pretty much gave it away. Besides, he thought he saw Joanne, Nick's agent, just driving through as well. He could spot that black Mustang anywhere. She has passion in everything vintage, almost like Nick.
He drove through security smoothly, everyone knew who he was. It was not until he had stepped out of his car that Howie realized what he was about to do. What rights did he have to be there? He wasn't even invited in the first place. What made him think Nick wanted him there?
"Howie D, is that you?" Howie bit his lower lip and cursed himself softly. No turning back now.
"Hey Joanne, how have you been?"
"I'm good! I stopped by to see how things are going with Nick, I didn't expect you to be here, it's a nice surprise!"
"Yeah well, I was around so I thought I'd drop by."
"I'm hungry, have you had lunch yet?"
He was hungry but being too anxious had robbed all his appetite away. "Sure."
Howie was holding a plate filled with food when he saw Nick coming out for a break. He noticed that a crew from MTV was following him, recording his every move and for once, Howie was glad. No way was Nicky going to kick his ass out of the location now. Nick looked vibrant and although the new haircut needed a while to get accustomed to, he thought overall, he looked happy.
But then again, knowing Nick Carter, that could just as well be his facade.
"Howie! Eh look, Howie came to show some love." Nick said to the camera as he approached him and they ended in a hug. He was surprised at how warm and sincere it had felt.
He looked up to the camera and found himself in an unusual spot, he was tongue tied. He smiled and wave and then his gaze dropped to the food on his plate
again.
"Can I have a private moment with my brother for a while?" Howie heard Nick ask the camera man. He didn't know what to feel. Afraid, because Nick wanted some alone time with him, where he was sure Nick would ask him why he would come uninvited; or warmth, because Nick had referred to him as his brother?
"D, you're gonna stand there forever or chill and have some lunch?" Nick asked, a smile plastered on his face. It was weird, but Howie was actually afraid of the same young man he had grown to love for over ten years now.
"Yeah." Howie smiled and followed him back to the tent where most of the crews had started to swarm around the buffet table. They found a secluded spot at the back and after Howie had settled down, Nick got up from his seat.
"I'm gonna grab something to eat, you wanna drink?"
"Yeah, thanks."
Nick left without asking him what drink he wanted and Howie began to doubt his decision for coming, again. He started playing with his food, wondering when had eating deep fried chicken became his favourite. He used to be self-conscious of the things he ate, but being on the road and constantly with people like Nick and AJ who love fast food joints, he got dragged in the habit.
"Evian for you cause 'everything else will get you dehydrated'," Nick said as he placed the bottle in front of him. Howie laughed, his first genuine laugh, because Nick had just quoted one of his reasons for drinking nothing but plain water when they were on tour.
"Also a can of Pepsi for you and a Coke for me just in case you need your caffeine shot and that we have to be politically incorrect."
"Why do you always have to remember the stupid things I say?" Howie asked, still laughing.
"There's nothing stupid in not wanting to get dehydrated, I think it's a good habit." Nick replied.
"And the whole Pepsi and Coke thing?"
Nick smirked. "It's like saying here's Backstreet Boys and here's Nsync, now battle."
Howie finally took a bite out of his chicken wing and felt a little weight lifted off his shoulders. "I thought this whole Pepsi Coke thing was between Britney and Christina."
Nick shrugged. "Same difference."
Howie nodded and swallowed. "So, just to know how that brain of yours works, which one are we?"
"Definitely Coke."
"Why is that?"
"Cause it gives more gas."
Howie smiled and his gaze dropped at the food on Nick's plate. Two slices of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He wasn't sure if he should feel nostalgic since the delicacy was a must wherever the Backstreet Boys went, or worried that his brother was barely eating.
"Is that all you're gonna eat for lunch?"
"Not hungry."
"Since when have you become me and I've turned to into Nick?" Howie joked, looking down at his own plate.
"Glad I got you eating D, you need them to grow." Nick chuckled.
"Ha, funny." Howie rolled his eyes.
"Ah see, you rolled your eyes, I say you're taking all my bad habits."
"Rolling ones eyes is not a bad habit, it's a form of expression." Howie commented.
"And pigging out?"
"Cause I'm starving."
Nick smirked and took a bite of his sandwich. "So MTV's following you around."
"Making the video." Nick replied after swallowing. "If they asked for something like we did in the 100hr tour, I'd die."
Howie chuckled and took a stab at some steamed baby carrots. "Nice hair cut too, you're rocking now."
"I hate my hair, I just got it short cause I was filming for American Dreams, I'm gonna grow it out starting right now."
Howie's eyes widened in surprise. "You got a spot? Who did you play?"
Nick laughed. "You wouldn't believe it, it's like the Backstreet Boys back in the days or something. There're five of us in a band, we're called Jay and The Americans and I played Jay. We were supposed to sing some songs together and we all had our own harmonies and I was thinking damn, the guy who sang bass is as tall as Kevin."
"Wow, that's really something. Can't wait to watch the show, I'm gonna have to call the guys up so they won't miss it."
And it had came out of his mouth before Howie even knew what he was talking about. Nick nodded and the silence hung in the thick air, the heavy weight now back on his shoulders.
"How are the guys these days?"
Howie shrugged. "I don't know, after the meeting, I never contacted any of them."
"Yeah, me too...how did you know I was gonna be here today?"
"Richard."
Nick smiled understandingly. "Yeah, I met him a couple of days ago. So he told you and you decided to come?"
"I just found out about it today and by accident. I know I'm not invited, but I thought I'd-"
"You're always welcome Howard. All of you guys are." Nick cut in, his face turned serious. "I didn't call or make it official cause I'm not sure where I stand with you guys anymore. The last time we were together, you guys made it pretty clear that you don't want to have anything to do with me. It's okay though, I understand, it's partly my fault anyway. But no matter what, I will never shut my brothers out."
Howie started to toy around with his food again. Often, back on tour, when stress from touring hit them hard, Nick would sit around the table and play with his food, not really wanting to eat anything and Kevin would burst, out of nowhere, one of his 'save the world' speeches. 'The Somalians would love to have what you're having right now'. A guilt trip that never failed to work.
"I didn't mean what I said that day Nick, I don't even know where it came from, will you ever forgive me?"
He stole a glance at Nick and he was frowning. "Honestly Howie, I can't even remember what you said that day. Actually, the only thing I remember is seeing you guys walk out of that room."
A small smile played around his lips. Nick had over looked his ability to see right through someone when they're lying. Especially when that someone had spent more than ten years together with him. Howie decided to play along, since he knew Nick probably was trying not to rake up the past when he was supposed to be working on his new solo project. Perhaps coming to his shoot had been a mistake, the last thing Nick needed was to have someone from the 'past' to come over and play with his emotions again.
If there was one thing Howie learned about Nick, it's that Nick remembered the bad memories and has them pasted on his heart. If let alone, he would dwell on those thoughts and believe every single bad thing said about him. Or maybe the new Nick Carter is not like that, Howie thought.
"Well, I'm glad you didn't remember it cause it's not true. I was an ass when I said it.
"Were you troubled by what you said to me all this time?"
"I was troubled by everything that goes wrong with us, especially what I said to you."
"Well, you have nothing to worry about bro, we're cool." Nick said. "Is that why you come today?"
"No, I came cause I wanna give you my support. I should have done that a long time ago. It must be hard to do this on your own."
Nick wiped his hands on his jeans, wondering if the stylist will ever notice when they started shooting again. Howie had no idea how much his presence right then meant to him. To finally have a familiar face among the crowd. To finally be able to feel at ease.
"It's hard yeah, but exciting too. It's very new D and I'm loving it. I'm like in total control right now and everyone asks for my opinion on stuff and that's cool. I feel important."
"I'm glad you feel that way Nick, but I hope you know that you're important for Backstreet Boys too, to us."
"I feel special when I'm with the Backstreet Boys." Nick replied. "But tell me D, between the five of us, are we still friends?"
Howie was shocked to say the least. Why would Nick even think of something like that? "Nick, how can you even think that? We had an argument, big deal, we're not that immature man, we won't let this end everything we have."
"What was I supposed to think D? They made it pretty clear they hate me, no one calls anymore and I'm afraid to make that first move cause I know I'm not wanted." Howie shook his head, ready to tell him off but Nick wasn't finished.
"Convince me, convince me right now that you KNOW they still give a shit about us and I'll call them."
Howie went silent. How would he know for sure? He had been as silent as any of them had been. Nobody seemed to care anymore. He hadn't even called AJ to ask how preparations were going for his wedding. Some kind of a friend he is. And now Nick had asked him a question that a few months ago, shouldn't have been a problem to answer. They were tight, they were truly a family. Now, he didn't even know what they were anymore.
Nick leaned back on his chair and sighed. "I thought so too."
Joanne had came over shortly after and the silence between them was gone with the wind. They talked about the concept of the video and some songs off his album that Joanne was proud of. Nick started talking about the funny stuff that happened while he was in the studio and all of a sudden, nothing of the past mattered anymore, they were living for the moment and for Howie, it felt much better now than yesterday.
When the familiar ring went off, signalling that break was over and shooting was about to resume, Howie made his exit. First up, he was going to call AJ and do some catch up with his bestfriend. Hopefully, when he got the courage once again, he would move on to Brian and Kevin.
Nick offered to see him to his car and knowing how stubborn the young man was, he relented. As he pulled open the door to the driver's seat, he paused and looked at Nick. "You must have done something right with this solo gig Nick cause you look different already. Just don't change that much okay, I still want the old Nick."
"I'm still Nicky, no matter what. I'm just...a little bit grown up I guess..."
"That's good to hear. I'm proud of you, I want you to know that."
Nick nodded. Howie caught the glint in his eyes and not wanting to have any emotional outburst that would definitely find its way all over the Internet, he pretended to be oblivious about it and got into his car. Turning the ignition on, Nick bent down and rested his arms on the opened window and peered inside.
"D, thanks for coming, you made my day."
"Yeah, it made my day too. I'll see you around bro, break a leg."
"Howard, you don't really mean that do you? How am I supposed to make a video with just one leg?"
Howie laughed heartily, it was another inside joke of theirs.
As he drove out of the compound, with Nick's figure waving at him slowly getting smaller from his rear view mirror, he knew that getting back together would be a difficult task, but he had no plans of backing down now.
