[opening line] Johnny Knoxville: I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to "Jackass"!

Johnny Knoxville: Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to test my Rocket Skates.

Ryan Dunn: I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl.

Spike Jonze: [Acting like an old man on a scooter.] You're a nice man. Would you like to come over for dinner?

Steve-O: Hi it's cold in Japan, so were going to warm ourselves up with some fireworks.

Bam Margera: Since we no longer have to bleep cuss words, I promise I will get my mom to say, "fuck" by the end of this movie. [After seeing an alligator in her house] April Margera: That's the scariest fucking thing I ever saw!

Chris Pontius: I guess I don't have any last words. I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener.

Chris Pontius: Wait a minute. I already know my fortune, it's partying!

Johnny Knoxville: I think I'm a little concussed.

Chris Pontius: [after being swatted by a puma while wearing a foam rubber mouse costume] I don't like him. He's mean.

Chris Raab: I'm Raab Himself and I'm a complete fucking idiot.

Steve-O: You know it's when like your parents said "I'm not mad at you, just disappointed" You know that hurt so much more. [Laughing]

[While viewing the apparatus for the "Bungee Wedgie" stunt]
Rick Kosick: This isn't gonna work!
Jeff Tremaine: It might...

Johnny Knoxville: Is this the worst time you've ever had to go boom-boom?

Johnny Knoxville: Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that.

Johnny Knoxville: I was Lon Chaney's lover!

Bam Margera: Whose dick do I gotta suck to get some explosions around here?

Brandon Dicamillo: And today, good sirs, I will stick my lance far beyond where the light of our world shines, deep into the colon of our enemy. Sir Bam-a-lot, you will feel a lot of my lance in your ass.

Dave England: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but BEEP BEEP!

Chris Pontius: I'm not into bestiality, but that's a good-looking animal.

Ryan Dunn: I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm surrounded by morons.

Steve-O: I'm sick of the whole pooping thing... I'm gonna go get my butt cheeks pierced together.

Ryan Dunn: He broke his tailbone. That's alright, we don't have tails anymore. What's the purpose?

Brandon Dicamillo: We're gonna go down these hills in these carts and get hurt. It's ghetto carts, baby!

Scott Potasnik: You guys are gonna hate me an hour from now.
Johnny Knoxville: We hate you already.

Chris Pontius: From my experiments with sexiness, it seems like a lot of people are afraid at first, and fear usually equals violence. But eventually I'll win their hearts, and instead of fighting, they'll want to make love to me.
Johnny Knoxville: Even the men?
Chris Pontius: Yep.

Johnny Knoxville: I have a full grown, semi-nude man bound with duct tape in my truck and I was trying to get out to the desert to bury him. How do I get to 5 South?

Colonic Nurse: You know John Wayne died with over 63 pounds of impacted feces in his stomach?
Johnny Knoxville: Why do you think they called him "The Duke"?

Chris Pontius: That guy right there is the best damn roller skater ever. Maybe even in the whole town.

[Johnny is arguing with a parrot]
Johnny Knoxville: Don't tell me to fuck off, say "Jackass".

[After being sprayed with Pepper Spray] Johnny Knoxville: I feel like my eyes have gonorrhea.

Johnny Knoxville: [while duck hunting] We killed Quack Quack!

Johnny Knoxville: You were about five feet short of a ten-foot jump.

Bam Margera: You don't matter...in fact, in about 20 seconds you're not even gonna be matter.

[After Ryan has jumped several times into a river in winter.]
Bam Margera: Are you cold?
Ryan Dunn: You're an idiot.

Johnny Knoxville: [While getting doused with red wine] Now I know what my liver feels like!

Interviewer: What does the smoke do?
Norm the Beekeeper: Well the smoke disorganizes and confuse the bees.
Interviewer: Now, if we were to blow the smoke on Mr. Knoxville; would it confuse him?

Johnny Knoxville: In the movie Cool Hand Luke, Paul Newman eats fifty hard boiled eggs without puking in one hour. We didn't think that was possible, so we staged our own little contest to see if any man OR woman could eat fifty eggs without puking. Well one thing; in our contest we encourage puking.

Johnny Knoxville: [standing in the middle of the road] Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm about to get hit by a car real soon!

Johnny Knoxville: I'm Johnny Knoxville and welcome to Jackass!

Bam Margera: [commenting on his dad with a small Elvis suit on] Oh dude, you like an egg with legs.

Brandon Dicamillo: He penetrated my land as he penetrated my ass, and that is not permitted!

Steve-O: I have your name tattooed on my ass. [while exposing a tattoo that say "Your Name" on his ass]

Bam Margera: Phil gets off work in ten minutes, and I've got twenty paintballs up in this bitch. He's gonna die.

Chris Pontius: The Russian police, stern, stern but fair.

Man on the street: God bless you. Chris Pontius: [Dressed up as Satan] God didn't bless me. He wrote a bunch of fibs about me.

Ryan Dunn: I'm Ryan Dunn. Today I'm gonna do some land skiing up here in the Pennsylvania mountains and try not to die.

Bam Margera: I'm Bam Margera, and I feel like kicking my dad's ass all day today! Brad Pitt: Hi, I'm Brad Pitt and I'm about to get abducted.

Chris Pontius: My job on the show is to be naked, not kill myself.

Chris Pontius: I wish life were more like a porno movie.