THE FSI SEARCH ENGINE PROJECT
The following is the result of a project conducted by Furtanken-Sobobed Inc on the 19th day of March 2003.
It involves the concept that when one searches the entire World Wide Web with a particular search engine for any given topic that the number of results for that topic must correlate with the importance of that topic to humans as a whole.
All figures are expressed in millions in the following fashion:
If I searched for SEAHORSE and it returned 1200000 results it shall look like this SEAHORSE - 1.2
So to begin proceedings I took myself back to basics and what is essential to survival.
I figured SHELTER was something that was taught to us in primary school as being important, and at 3.3 million results it appears to be pretty important.
Then I thought OXYGEN is pretty important for survival too, probably even more important than SHELTER I'm betting, and at 4 million I was right. I am very clever.
So we're sitting under our SHELTER breathing in our OXYGEN and twiddling our thumbs....what we need now is BEER I believe, it may not be as important but I like BEER and at 8.7 it seems that we believe it's more important than OXYGEN.
Next up I made the connection between this need for BEER and DRUGS, now before you go and ban your kids from visiting Uncle Furtanken this search will return results for all DRUGS such as DRUGS for medicinal purposes, for said childs A.D.D., for said childs fathers viagra, for epilepsy, for depression, and for mushroom recipes aswell.
With that explained lets see the results.....12 million and it seems we're all dependant.
Now these old viagra-popping pensioners that have been engaging in 7 hour sessions of rediscovered youth will need to eat afterwards so in comes FOOD to the equation.
FOOD at 49.9 million and we have a new leader.
Next I figure these guys will be after some PORN to get some more inspiration.....or maybe I was just curious to see if the internet is really the PORN peddling monster that many claim it to be.
Well boys and girls 57.7 and it seems PORN is more important than FOOD, SHELTER or OXYGEN.
I suddenly realised that I've forgotten a big one....WATER, it's vital, screw what the koalas say, we need this stuff and with 62.8 million results it proves koalas know nothing and should be eradicated immediately.
Time for some revision on the SHELTER aspect as I think the term may be a little too primative.
So a search for HOUSE provides us with 67.7 results and makes it the most important to our survival so far.
But with some LOVE a HOUSE can be trasformed into a home and surely we all need LOVE.....yes we do 73.1 million and LOVE is on top.
And now to the final placing in the survival search.
After all this BEER, VIAGRA, PORN and LOVE what else can it be but SEX.
126 million and I suppose its obvious that we need it to survive, you wouldn't be reading this without it.
So they shouldn't be telling you at school that you need FOOD and SHELTER to survive, what you need is BEER, PORN and a HOUSE and then you can have SEX. The stats don't lie.
And hey, this is basically how YOUR GOVERNMENT provides us with statistics on UNEMPLOYMENT, DEATHS OF FOREIGN CIVILLIANS AT WAR, THE HOMELESS, VOTE RESULTS IN ELECTIONS and a whole lot more.
The Main difference being that I haven't doctored these figures.
So in summary :
SHELTER - 3.3
OXYGEN - 4
BEER - 8.7
DRUGS - 12
FOOD - 49.9
PORN - 57.7
WATER - 62.8
HOUSE - 67.7
LOVE - 73.1
SEX - 126
PART 2 (A case where the sequel is actually better)