The Evergrowing Catalogue Of Neccessity
For years now, you, as consumers have been herded along by the big gaming corporations.
THESE ARE LIES!!!!!!!
We here at FSI would like YOU the consumer to be bought back INTO THE LIGHT!!!
These include:
Well players and punters alike, with christmas just around the corner, we at FSI believe that the all new GAME DODECAHEDRON is just about the best bloody gift this side of Afganastan....and what a great way to get the kiddies back in front of the television set!
1. The Beanie De-fleecer ™
Are you sick of your beanies looking like a lamington?
Then our patented Beanie De-fleecer™ is essential to your survival, so revolutionary is this product that we recommend you purchase at least 10 for your own personal pleasure.
Features:
* Amazing Comfy-grip handle which has been ergonomically designed.
* Our patented Super Duper Fleece Retrieval System (SDFRS).
* Available in three stunning colours: Albino Black, Ocean Red and Midnight White.
2. No Falling Sign ™
Have you grown tired of people/structures falling where they're not supposed to?
If so, then it's time you invested in our patented No Falling Sign™, ideal for nightclubs, bars, pubs or anywhere alcohol and drugs are likely to be consumed. Our No Falling Sign™ is solely responsible for keeping the leaning tower of Pisa exactly where it is today, until the Italian government invested in several of our signs the tower was slowly falling to its demise, now it has fallen as far as it can ever fall.
Features:
* Crafted from marine grade stainless steel.
* Coated in our ground breaking graffiti-proof paint.
* Custom falling messages available on request. (A small fee applies).
* No Drowning Sign now available.
3. Glow In The Dark Porridge ™
Kids wont eat the porridge for dinner?
Worry no more, because now thanks to Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. porridge is fun for the whole family. You cook it like ordinary porridge and in the same amount of time, however this is no ordinary porridge because it glows in the dark! Amazing isnt it?
Features:
* Environmentally Friendly Phosphorous (EFP) which not only puts the glow in our porridge but also cleans you pots and pans while you cook, simply rinse with water after cooking and they'll sparkle like the day you first brought them home.
* Available in three tasty flavours: Radio-active Lime, Ultra-Violet Grape and Chemical-Burn Raspberry.
4. South American Rock Climbing Koala Breeding Incubator (SARCKBI) ™
Having trouble getting your South American Rock Climbing Koalas (SARKs) to produce offspring?
Your troubles are over once you purchase the SARKBI™ as it has single handedly brought their populations back to near plague like numbers when only two years ago they were on the verge of extinction.
Features:
* Comes with its own artificial insemination kit.
* Doubles as a 650 watt microwave oven.
* Made from materials such as carbon-fibre and titanium so it is easily transportable weighing in at an anorexic 2.37 kilograms its the lightest SARCKBI™ on the market.
5. Chocolate Flavoured Draino ™
No longer are your household cleaning items limited to only one application!
Cleans just like the draino you know and love but when diluted 1:462 with a mixture of water and vodka it makes a tasty chocolate beverage that is absolutely guaranteed to get you completely shit-faced after just one mouthful. Who could ask for more?
Features:
* Includes beverage starter kit (500ml mixture of vodka and water)
* Child-proof cap (cap says NOT FOR CHILDREN)
* Available in 1, 2, 4 and 500 litre receptacles.
6. A Packet Of BEER That Never Runs Out ™
Easily our most popular product!
Some have been critical of the price but we can assure you that not one of them has complained after purchase. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Features:
* Its A Packet Of BEER That Never Runs Out, what more do you need to know you imbecile, its all anyone could ever ask for.
7. Bullet-Proof Salad ™
Perfect for the gangsta who likes to dine on footpath cafes with his posse and has grown tired of his salad being shot up in drive-bys.
Features:
* All ingredients are genetically altered, we have incorporated armadillo genes into the salad thus giving them their resistance to high speed projectiles.
* A nine millimetre semi-automatic handgun is supplied with each salad, we believe retaliation is best served hot with a side dish of quickness.
8. Boat-People Flavoured Toothpaste ™
One of our clones in the sweat shop sector O-E has proposed to us that we should add a new flavour to our range of Furtanken Pastes, first featured in our christmas catalogue, Boat People Flavour.
We like it so much that we're going to offer boat people flavouring on all our foodstuffs.
Features:
* Refer to christmas catalogue because we're too lazy.
9. Seahorse Repellent ™
Have you ever been relaxing at your favourite Beach, Oasis, Salt-Water Lagoon, Float tank, Bath or Heated spa only to be plagued by the aquatic vermin known as Seahorses?
Worry no more oh ye faithful ones, Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. have had their research and development team on this problem for many years and have come up with our very own SEAHORSE REPELLENT !!!
Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. Seahorse Repellent is derived from testicles of "Infertile Seahorses". The testicles are crushed and then infused with DDT and cane-toad poison gland secretions.
It is then packaged into our very own HYDRO BOTTLE DISPENSERS (HBD`s). Simply apply the repellent liberally over the body, avoiding eyes and genitals.
Features:
* For use on the following seahorses : The Humpback Seahorse, The Southern Wright Seahorse, The Sperm Seahorse, The Blue Seahorse, Killer Seahorses, The Great White Seahorse, The Eastern Grey Seahorse, aswell as the lesser known varieties such as the Hairy-Nosed Seahorse, Red-Backed Funnel Seahorse and the Chernobyl Lights Seahorse.
10. The Spoon Sharpener ™
Have you tried to stab a random heathen to death with the closest teaspoon only to find it was as blunt as block of parmesan cheese?
OR.....
Ever tried to dig into your favourite anchovie flavoured ice-cream only to be dismayed at the way the spoon bends like it was made from spam?
Well worry no more consumers........Furtanken-Sobobed have come through again with the all new Spoon Sharpener.
Now your spoons can cut a swathe through the thickest gristle, cartilage and even bone. However carrying of one these "sharpened spoons" may result in the situation known as "posession of a concealed and dangerous weapon" in which case you'll need to purchase one of our licenses to ill.
Features:
* Incorporates Furtanken-Sobobeds amazing comfy grip handle (first featured on the beanie defleecer)
* 3 sharpening speeds : Medium, Average and Mediocre.
* The first of our products to carry the all new FURTANKEN-SOBOBED LIFETIME GUARANTEE* !!!
11. The Inflatable Skateboard ™
Can’t get enough height from your ollies? Not enough gash in your grinds? Not generating enough spin for that 1080?
Introducing the Furtanken Inflat-a-blowup-skateboard-board!!!
Yes that’s right punters a skateboard that inflates!!! Are you sick and tired of carrying round your cumbersome wooden board? Why not try our patented
Inflat-a-blowup-skateboard-board (IBSB). Made from our very own industrial, marine grade non-biodegradable plastic, the IBSB weighs a minuscule 43 grams!! The IBSB also comes with Furtanken`s very own Helogen refill. This potent mix of Hydrogen, Helium and Oxygen not only makes for an extremely flammable cocktail of gases, but is also what makes the IBSB so amazingly light!
We have also invested several million dollars into the development of Furtank-a-wheel, using our very own impregnation system, we find the strongest , most athletic “mini-hamsters” in Botwotatooi and have them impregnated into Furtank-a-wheel, the hamsters, once inside the wheel have been specially trained to take the constant shock, bumps, grinds, and general unpleasantness of being in a skateboard wheel. These hamsters have also been genetically infused with uranium so that they’ll last 500 lifetimes!!!
We recommend getting in now as these little babies are a limited edition and will never be available again. A must for any serious collector or skateboard enthusiast.
Features:
* Furtanken-Sobobeds puncture repair kit included with every skateboard.
* One size fits all.
* Individually numbered from 1 to 15000000.
12. Glass Bottomed Cars ™
Ever been for a journey in a glass-bottomed boat and wondered "why isn't there glass bottomed cars ?"
Well wonder no more because we've come up with another winner.
You're wondering what there is to look at on the open highway as opposed to the Pacific Ocean right ?
Well come on one of our all new glass bottomed tour bus adventures and see for yourself before you order a car modification..............that's right...........roadkill.
Furtanken-Sobobed's Roadkill Tours - Guaranteed fun for the whole family.
Once you play "spot and name the roadkill " on our tour you'll be positively itching to get your car modified with us.
Features:
* Optional extra offer of Furtanken-Sobobed lifetime guarantee.*
* Viewing glass area available in 3 sizes :
"Look mum...a cat", "Was that a koala?" and
"Holy shit.......someones hit a horse"
* Free hole.
13. The Game Dodecahedron ™
After many months of planning and development we at Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. have come up with a product to rival all other gaming systems, eg; The Vic20, The Amstrad, The Atari 2600, The Commodore 64 and The Apple II.
Led to believe that games such as; Rat Race, HERO, Monty On The Run and The Black and Green Horse race are nothing but state of the art technology in gaming........
With our new Game Dodecahedron you will won`t have 1 but 10 THATS RIGHT!! 10 different options of entertainment at your very digits.
* Twin Decks for your scratching pleasure (we recommmend Gene Pitney`s greatest hits and Slim Dusty`s When Wll It Rain In Randelene?).
* A 230w pre-tube, quad 10" speakered gutiar amp. Why not learn how to play Guitar or Bass while you play!!!
* A fully installed twin-flush toilet......Why let a number 1 or 2 interrupt your gaming pleasure?
*120 stacker CD player.....That`s two times the capacity of our closest competitor!
* Our very own designed Multi Cartidge Capacitator (MCC). This will allow you to play all those old favourites, from the Atari to the NES!!!!
*A 1000w microwave, to nuke your Glow-In-The-Dark porridge
*A bar fridge to hold all of your alcoholic beverages
*A FSI state of the art DVD player. Which will read, re-write, copy, burn , saturate, manufacture, evolve and emulate!!!!
A satellite internet connection........... *for an extra small fee.
Seahorse Repellent :
1. Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. do not recommend the use of DDT or the licking of canetoads.
2. Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. wouldn`t know what an "infertile seahorse" would look like if one bit them on the ass.
3. HYDRO BOTTLE DISPENSERS (HBD`s) are also commonly known as spray bottle`s from k-mart.
4. Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. recommend eating Nacho`s from the Royal Exchange Hotel Brisbane.
5. WARNING: Prolonged use of a half hour or more may cause organs to fail and/or limbs to become paralysed.
Bullet-Proof Salad :
1. Furtanken-Sobobed believe that people who carry guns/knives etc. for personal protection are fucking lame.....what are you afraid of ?......a punch in the face doesn't hurt that much.......don't be so scared......a beast is he that casts a stone. Alternatively just try to be a good person and all will be well.
A Packet Of BEER That Never Runs Out :
1. Furtanken-Sobobed like beer very much.
2. Beer is nice.
3. Beer is our friend.
4. Beer makes us do silly things but we still like it alot.
5. Replace "like" with "love".
6. Mmmmmmmbeer.
* That Lifetime Guarantee Thing :
1. By "LIFETIME" we refer to not the average humans lifetime but to the average dragonfly......which happens to be about 24 hours......sucker.
2. You really are a dumbass.
Inflatable skateboard :
1. The IBSB cannot be used as a flotation device, it will surely drown you and is known to attract great white sharks.
2. Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. endorse false impregnation.
3. Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. recommend Tony Hawk 4.
4. Furtanken-Sobobed Inc. do not like non-biodegradable products.
5. We do not recommend infusing hamsters with uranium.
6. Uranium is for trippin fools.
7. A Helogentm refill will last approx. 2hrs.
8. Helogentm refills cost $462.
9. Buy TBE, BUY BUY BUY!!!!
Games Dodecahedron :
1. Yes we know there is only nine features, but you probably can't count. Or if you can count and you are now telling all you friends that there is 1 feature missing, you are a fool.
2. TV is about as useful as being shot in the head.
3. FSI endorse playing instruments to broaden your horizons.
4. Either that or mushrooms.
5. Ochre.....yes.
THE LICENSE TO ILL RANGE
EASTER 2007
CHRISTMAS 2006
CUSTOM PETS