Sex-Type Jokes

1. A cab driver was driving down the road and saw a nun trying to wave down a cab, so he went to pick her up. After a little bit of driving the cab driver said to the nun "I have a confession to make, I've always wanted a blow job from a nun, and was wondering if you'd give me one?" To that the nun said "I will give you one if you are not married and are Catholic" Then the cabbie replied "What a coincedence! I'm single and I'm Catholic!" So the nun told him to pull into a back ally. After she gave him a blow job the cabbie said "I have another confession to make, I'm married and have 7 kids, and I'm hindu..." To that the nun said "Thats alright, I have a confession to make too, my name is really steve and I'm on my way to a costume party."

2.The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" "After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word." "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!"

3.Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!" "Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do. "Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison." "Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man. "Yes, you must do that or he'll die." He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."

4.An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis had died. She realized that he was old and forgetful and decided to humor him, "It did? I'm sorry to hear that",she replied. Two days later Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing home with his penis hanging outside of his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith! I thought you said your penis died!?" "It did", he replied, "Today's the viewing!"

5.One day a boy named Deeper was in school and it happened to be his birthday. During class he walked up to the teacher and asked her if he could go to the bathroom. She told him he had to wait until he was done working, then Deeper said "But it's my birth day and I'll tell my daddy on you." So the teacher said OK. Then he asked if she'd come in with him and she said no then Deeper said "But it's my birth day and I'll tell my daddy on you." So she went in to the bathroom with him. Then he asked her if she'd take off her blouse and of course she said no, and once again Deeper said "But it's my birth day and I'll tell my daddy on you." So she then took off her blouse. After that he ask for her to take off her skirt and once again she disagreed, and also once again he said "But it's my birth day and I'll tell my daddy on you." After that she took off the skirt and he asked her to take off her underwear and bra, and of course she told him no. Then he responded by saying "But it's my birth day and I'll tell my daddy on you. "She was then completely naked in front of him. Then he asked "Can I stick my thumb in your belly button?" She just said OK this time. After awhile she noticed something and she said "Deeper that's not my belly button!" and then Deeper said "Yeah and that's not my thumb either!" So she started moaning "Oh Deeper stop! Deeper, Deeeeeeeper!" And he said "I'm trying but I can't go any farther!"

6.One day, Todd complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't bother. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00." Todd figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, outpopped a small slip of paper which read: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

7.A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir. The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis. The doctor said, damn how did you do that? The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it. So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole. So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!

8.A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts. "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers. "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes." "Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

9.A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief. "I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief. "I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?" "I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"

10.There is this guy who wanted a pet so he goes to the pet shop and he sees a parrot. The guy says to the parrot "how much do you cost?" the parrot replies" $200, but tell the guy you'll buy me for $20 dollars because nobody likes me cause I dont have feet" The pet shop cashier sells it to him for $20. He takes the parrot home. He asks the parrot "how do you stand on the stick your birdcage if you dont have any feet?" The parrot says"I have to wrap my dick around the stick to stand on it. 2 weeks later, the man comes home from work, the parrot says"I dont know if I should tell you this but the mail man came and delivered the mail and your wife went outside in her night gown and kissed him then they came inside. then the mail man felt up her dress and then started to kiss her boobs and then he felt up her dress again........ there was a long pause the guy said " and then What?!" the parrot said"I got hard and fell off the stick"

11.one day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see's one that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went up to the nun and said I want to fu** you. No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the bus driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at midnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him. at exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church, he put on his mask and said I am god fu** me. the nun then replied only in the ass though. the hippy agreed and they got it on for hours. when they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha" I'm the hippy the nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver.

12.Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.... "MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

13.three guys were in the desert, lost, and no food, no water, etc. they come to a house, knock on the door and see a beautiful woman at the door. they ask her if they can have some food and water and use her phone. she says, "sure, but only if you have sex with me, then you can have whatever you want." they all three say sure, free sex, food and water, what could be better? so the first guy goes up to her bedroom, and waits for her to get undressed. the first thing he sees is that she is just nasty down below...know what im sayin? anyway, so he jumps out the window. the same thing happens with the second guy. but the third guy is smart. before he goes up to the room, he grabs some cobs of corn. she comes in the room and says im ready big boy, the other two didnt know what they were missing. the guy says, ok, im ready, but you have to close your eyes. so she gets on the bed, closes her eyes, and waits. he takes the smallest cobs of corn and "uses" it, then throws it out the window. he uses another and throws it out the window. she says, ooh, just once more. so he takes the biggest one and uses it, then throws it out the window. he goes back down stairs, calls a friend, and eats like all of her food, and drinks like 5 gallons of water. when he gets outside he sees the other two eatin something. he says what are you guys eating? they say hey man, where'd you get this great cream corn? Thanks to Alex Hartman.

14.One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!"

15.Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his gold bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?" The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead. "Wait a minute," the first man said, "that’s not what you asked for." The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"

16.A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

17.On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!" Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble! "Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!" "In with the dings, out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!!!"

18.The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you." (Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.

19.Twin brothers were named Joe and John Jones. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John, said "Oh Mr.Jones, I am sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible." Then Joe spoke up saying "well, I'm not the least bit sorry, she was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelt like a dead fish and even the first time I got into her she made water faster than anything I had ever seen. She has a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like anything. But this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town looking for a good time, asked if I would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyway. The result was the crazy fools all tried to to get into her at one time and it was to much for her. She cracked down the middle." The old lady dropped to the ground in a dead faint.

20.There was a group of army men marching down a road at night looking for a place to stay. They came upon a farm house and knocked on the door. A old farmer answered, the Sargent asked if they could spend the night. The man said yes but he only had room for one man. The Sargent yelled out to Private Peters you spend the night here and we will go down the road and find the rest of us a place to stay. They went on down the road and came upon a whorehouse where they proceeded to knock on the door. A women leaned out the window and asked what do you want. The Sargent replied we need a place to stay. The women asked how many are there of you, to which the Sargent said 39 without Peters. The women then said well grease your fingers and come on in boys.

21.A child sees two dogs having sex and he asks his mother why they are doing that. His mother replies, "that's how you make a cake." The next day the child goes to the zoo and sees two monkeys having sex and asks his mother why the monkeys were having sex. His mother replies, "that's how you make a cake." After school the next day, the child says, "Mom I know you and daddy were having sex in the living room." The mother says, "that's right, how did you know that?" The child replies, "I already licked the icing off of the couch."

22.Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!

23.A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels really good about the result. On her way home she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" About 35 was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." She's starting to feel real good about herself. While standing at the bus stop she asks an old man the same question. He replies,"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your fanny for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the woman thought what the hell and let him slip his hand down her pants. Ten minutes later the old man says,"OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That was brilliant! How the hell did you do that?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

24.A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

25.A man was approached by a colleague at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

26.A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed. The hooker says, "wheres my money?" The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear. It says gets paid for sex. The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker. It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"