1.The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit".
Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
2.Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.
"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"
"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."
"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did." He continued,
"We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said
'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'.
3.A young boy named Chuck was walking past an old farmers house and the old farmer said to Chuck, "What do you have there?" and then Chuck replied, "A bull frog and I'm gonna go trade it in for a bull!". The old farmer just laughed at Chuck as he left.Then later the old man was outside and he saw Chuck with a prize bull and he asked "Where did ya get that?" and Chuck told him "From the bull frog". Then the next day Chuck came walking by again and the old farmer said to him "What have you got today?" and Chuck told him "Today I've got a horse fly and I'm gonna trade it in for a prize horse!" and the old farmer laughed again and Chuck walked on. Later Chuck was walking home with a prize horse and th old farmer asked "whre did ya get that horse?" and Chuck told him "From the horse fly I had". The next day Chuck was walking by and the farmer asked him what he had this time and Chuck told him "I've got me some pussy willow!" then the old farmer looked inside and said "Ma! I'm gonna bring this boy into town, I'll be back a little later! "
4.A professor at West Virginia University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response." "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic." "But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raised his hand. The
professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit... From back there it sounded like you said 'goats'.
5.A boy and his Father went to a shopping mall. They were amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father, "What is that Father?"
The Father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like that in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his Father were watching, an elderly woman slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a gorgeous woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".
7.A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped his truck ran up to the man and said, "Hey fellow, why are you doing this?" The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for." The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!" The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children." The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!" The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back." The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!" The would-be jumper replied, "Who?" With that the Alabama man said, "Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump!!!"
8.At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
9.A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
Thanks to Josh Kubat
