1.A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
2.There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest swimmer. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
3.One day a blonde, brunette and redhead walk into the elevator of their apartment building. As they enter they see a white puddle on the floor. The brunette bends down looks at it and says, "Ya that's the white stuff!"
Then the redhead bends down, smells it and says, "Oh ya that's it alright!"
Then the blonde bends down, taste it and says, "Sure it is! But it's no one from our building!"
4.A brunette and blonde where on an elevator, a man came in the elevator and stood infront of them for a few floors, they noticed he had a bad case of dandruff. When he got off the elevator and left the brunette turned to the blonde and said I guess we should have gave him some Head and Shoulders, the blonde looked at the brunette and said what is shoulders?
5.A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack,"
cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's
dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
6.There were three blondes walking in the forest when they came upon a pair of tracks. The first blonde says, "I think it's a pair of deer tracks." The second blonde says, "No, I think it's a pair of bear tracks." And before the third blonde
can say anything, they all get run over by a train!
7.A blonde walked in a store and said that she wanted to buy that T.V. The
employee said "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes". So she went and dyed her hair and went back and said "I want to buy that T.V". He said, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes". So she went and got a complete make over. She went back and said "I want to buy that T.V." He said "Ma'am, I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes". She said "How did you know I'm really a blonde"? He said, Lady, that's not a T.V., that's a MICROWAVE.
8.A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
9.Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
10.An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
11.A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
12.I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S EASY BUT...
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
13.Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
14.There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead at a
pregnancy clinic, all waiting for checkups. The
brunette says, " I'm going to have a boy." the redhead
says "how do you know?" Brunette says "because the
condom broke when i was on the bottom." redhead says
"oh, ok, then that means im having a girl". blonde
says, "because the condom broke when you were on top,
right?" redhead says, "yep". so here they are, readin
the magazines and everything, when suddenly the blonde
starts crying. Redhead and brunette say, "well, whats
the matter?" blonde says, "then that means im having
puppies!" Thanks to Alex Hartman.
15.Q: What is a blonde wit died brown hair
16.One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
God said: "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of
love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for
the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend
you, but to grant you anything you wish" .
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am
doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well there is one thing" she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not
just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds
of humans everywhere. But surely isn't there something that I could do just
for you," asked God.
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said
the nun.
"Name it, please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
17.A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group
and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are
only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus and only 1 seat in the
top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take
turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first
turn. The blonde won the toss.
A couple of hours later it's the red heads turn so she walks
up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to
death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that
her knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" the red head asks.
"We're havin' a grand old time down below."
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
18.A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,
and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911
dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same
blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde,
"I was in the back seat!"
19.A blonde was driving her truck along a rural highway when she noticed
another blonde rowing the oars of a rowboat in the middle of a huge wheat
field.
Stopping her car, the first blonde gets out on the side of the road
and yells across to the second blone, "What the heck are you doing?"
The second blonde replied, "I'm rowing my boat in this ocean of wheat!"
The first blonde, disgusted, said "You know, it's blondes like you who give us a
bad name. If I could swim, I'd swim out there and kick your butt!"
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for
the Holland Tunnel.
A: artificial intelligince Thanks to sk8erkj.
