Bar Jokes

Here are some jokes from the BAR scene.

1. A drunk guy was sitting at a bar, while at the far end of the bar was a god-awful ugly woman. The bartender asked if if anyone wanted another drink? They both all raised their arms while the drunk and the bartender noticed the woman had gobbs of matted hair under her arm pit. While the bartender was getting the drinks, the drunk insisted that he would pay for the ballerina's drink at the end of the the bar. The bartender being a confused with this statement, just ignored him and believed it was just the drunkenness speaking. A short time had passed and the bartender had announced "last call". Again both drunk and ugly woman raised their arms and the drunk again offer to purchase the ballerina's drink. This time the bartender served the woman and told the guy he was cut off. The woman downed her drink and left the bar. The bartender turn to the drunk and said "I know your drunk and are having difficult time seeing but, why would your ever refer to that woman as a ballerina?" The drunk explained, any woman that can lift her leg that high must be a ballerina.

2. A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'll bet you 200 dollars that I can bite my left eye." The barman agrees, and the man pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The barman pays up. The next day the same man comes into the bar, and says "I bet you $800 I can bite my right eye." The barman agrees, figuring the man can't have two glass eyes. The man pulls out his false teeth and bites his eye. The barman pays. The next day, same man, same bar, the man says "I bet you $1000 that you can put a shot glass on the end of the bar, and I can stand at the other end and piss in it, without getting any on the bar." The barman agrees, and puts the glass down. The man stands at the other end and pisses all over the bar, without getting a drop in the glass. The barman says "Thank you very much", and the man pays. The barman then asks "After winning one thousand dollars off me, why did you bet it all on something you knew you couldn't do, and lose." The man says "I didn't lose, I just bet a guy over there 10,000 dollars that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be happy.

3. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. It makes fellow employees look, smell and taste better.

14. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

15. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

16. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

17. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

4.Just some alchoholic warnings.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jack-ass.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.