1.A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say." The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
2.A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitues. 'Want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
3.A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
4.On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!" The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!"
5.A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
6.A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her. "You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen." The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash. "My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?" Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!" The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"
7.John's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex." He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. John heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." John bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged! Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
8.A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, named Chuck, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared Chuck in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared Chuck, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
9.Q. What do you ge when you cross Lassie with a pitbull?
A. A dog that bites off your leg then runs to get help.
10.A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey to have a drink. The monkey starts running all over the bar eating everything in site, a couple olives some lime slices and the cue ball off the pool table. The bartender yells at the guy did you just see what your monkey did? The guy says no, so the bartender tells the man and the man said that damn monkey is always eating everything I'm sorry let me pay for the damages and leave. A week later the guy returns to the bar with his monkey and as soon as he sits down the monkey jumps up on the bar and grabs a maraschino cherry and sticks it up his ass then eats it, well the bartender was just disgusted at this and yells to the man did you just see what your monkey did? And the man says yes ever since he swallowed that cue ball he measures everything first!
11.One day an elephant is lying on the jungle floor with a thorn stuck in his foot. An ant comes along and offers to take the thorn out of the felled elephants foot. The ant proceeds to remove the thorn and the elephant then turns to the ant and says "How can I ever repay you ?" To which the ant replies "Well I've never screwed an elephant, let me fuck you and we'll call it quits " so the elephant turns round and the ant crawls up behind its tail and just as the ant enters the elephant a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head. the elephant cries out and the ant shouts "That's right bitch take it all".
12.Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
13.A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
14.Three Labrador retrievers - a chocolate, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
15.A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
