My idea here is to create and post the hidden but often used dumb guy rules. Few speak of them, but they do exist.
~ DUMB GUY RULES ~
#1 - You should never hit a girl for any reason, even if she hits you. You should stand there and take it. If possible give the girl your best sad lost innocent puppy dog eye look. Some girls melt when they see that.
#2 - You should go out of your way to be nice to all girls no matter how mean they are to you, even if they hate you.
#3 - You should go out of your way to be nice to all girls no matter how mean they might be to you, and even if they hate you. You never know about girls emotions. They may act like they hate you but really like you since all guys know girls do the reverse of what they often say or mean.
#4 - Guys do not hug other guys. Guys should go out of there way to hug girls whenever possible. Note; Some rare girls require permission to be hugged. There is a seldom used exception to guys hugging. Guys can hug just so long as it is very quick and they don't make eye contact or if the hug is quickly made into some type of joke.
#5 - All manly guys should avoid group hugs and butt patting with other guys unless it is some type of sporting event or your drunk. Then it is okay if done quickly.
#6 - Never show pain or weakness in front of other guys or girls. The only exception is when you are dating the girl. Then you can show her your true feelings, but don't do it very often. You still need her respect.
#7 - Never let a girl pay for anything when you can pay for it yourself. The only exception is when you are dead broke. Then you can reimburse her later. It is better to cancel a than to look like a mooch in her eyes.
#8 - All manly guys should attempt to spoil the girl they are interested in dating whenever possible. Of course the girl will protest say she doesn't like being spoiled, but all guys know otherwise. You should also attempt to send frequent gifts of whatever the girl likes (you should learn what she likes). All girls like gifts. It's a genetic fact.
#9 - You must ask permission before kissing a girl. The only exception is when she has given you permission to kiss her once before, then you don't need to ask again.
#10 - You should always attempt to act interested in whatever your girl is saying. Girls love to be listened to no matter how annoying they might be. Just grit your teeth, smile and nod. This may be very hard to do but force yourself if possible. Make sure to make eye contact from time to time and raise or lower your eye brows so they think your concerned with their problems.
#11 - Manly guys don't EVER lie. You can be evasive, but if a girl asks you a question straight out you must tell her the truth. The only exception is when it's for a surprise, like a present or a surprise party you don't want her to know about. Then you can tell her it's a secret, but you will tell her later. Most girls have what I call lie-dar (like radar only worse) and they can sense when your telling a lie.
#12 - Manly guys don't ask parents to get married. They take charge and do it. Girls want to be swept away by a white knight on a white horse. It's a inborn dream they have since they were wee sized. Knowing that helps us.
#13 - Manly guys should always compliment girls on their looks and the best things about them. It should be done frequently.
#14 - Manly guys can be mushy around the girl they like but not around any other girl and NEVER around any guy. We don't want other guys learning our techniques. Girls love softly whispered mushiness. Like for example; "I love you my little gummy bear," whispered into her ear.
#15 - All guys regardless of size who see any guy mistreating a girl (especially hitting her) should go out of his way to beat the stupid-evil guy to a pulp even if the stupid-evil guy is tougher than you and beats you to a pulp. It's the principal not the result, even if it requires you ramming your face into his fist.
#16 - Manly guys should flirt in a nice way with all good looking girls at every opportunity. The only exception is when you already have a girlfriend or a girl you are sweet on. If you have a special girl you should NEVER flirt. Guys who flirt while having a special girl need slapped around the head and shoulders by a male friend to return them to reality. Most guy friends will gladly give you the needed head slapping for free if asked.
#17 - Manly guys NEVER let their girlfriends or sisters dress them in drag, even for Halloween. All attempts should be resisted. This is very important to your manliness. Never fall for this girl trick.
#18 - Manly guys should not cuss.
#19 - All guys should act confident and secure in their own manliness and always act cool, even if they are frightened like a little wee school girl inside. This makes the girl feel you're her protection and when she is scared she will cling to you. Another added bonus in being Mr. Cool.
#20 - Guys should not scream in pain for any reason. They can growl in pain or howl in pain, but NEVER scream out in pain. If a girl is watching you should attempt to act like it's no big deal even if you want to squall like a wee sissy-girl. Crying is permitted only if no one can see you (i.e. alone). Suck it up and be a manly man.
#21 - All manly guys should make it very clear to other unknowing rogue guys that your girl is yours and she is off the market. This may include scowling at the offending perpetrator, standing between him and her. Acting like he is invisible or interrupting his conversation with your girl. Once he has been made aware of the status-quo then all is fine.
#22 - Strutting around your girlfriend and showing off your manliness by wearing tight sweaters and jeans is a necessity. Your girl may ignore it sometimes, but girls miss very little. This also helps in warding off other rogue guys checking out your girl.
#23 - All manly guys should establish a hierarchy to know who is faster, stronger and smarter. It is needed in case some girl asks. Once the hierarchy is set it remains in place permanently unless something special happens to change it. Like puberty or someone bulking up with muscles.
#24 - Manly guys do not buy Valentines Cards for anyone except girls. There are no exceptions to this rule unless it is a joke of some type.
#25 - Girls are always impressed by outgoing manly guys who are funny, witty and confident. If you like a certain girl you should attempt to act witty and funny each time you see her even if your frightened inside like a little wee man. She will soon become enchanted by your manliness and have no choice but to fall in love with you. This may take a while but eventually she will wear down like an old shoe.
#26 - You should never own a pet which makes you look less than manly in any girls eyes. For example; owning a blue poodle would just be wrong and would require a manly friend of yours to slap you around to bring you back to reality.
#27 - All manly guys should keep in good shape, be clean and attempt to be dressed in a pleasing manner at all times. One never knows when a girl might be watching you from a distance. If your not buff, then wearing baggy clothes sometimes helps to hide this fact.
#28 - If possible you should always attempt to speak in a deep manly voice. Girls become enthralled at the sound of a deep masculine voice. If you are in the throws of puberty, attempt to speak as little as possible, or use caveman words like; "Ugh" or "Argh". Squeaking is not very manly and should be avoided. You want to impress girls with your manliness, not make them laugh.
#29 - All girls like the idea of having manly guy friends. Even though we know this is impossible (see "When Harry Met Sally" the movie), we should attempt to please them in the off chance some relationship will develop. One can never have too many friend-girls hanging around telling you how nice you are. As they get older they get more desperate. That of course helps us.
#30 - Manly guys should always be chivalrous. You should open doors for girls (even for ones you don't know), and you should stand when they approach your table. Being chivalrous also makes you stand out among the other less manly guys. Girls like manly guys doing special things for them (or so I am told). Anything which brings good attention to you from a girl is points to you.
#31 - You should attempt to impress the girl you like in every way possible. You can do this with letters. Manly men should learn to write very mushy letters since it is a well known FACT that all girls like mushy letters. Manly men should never let their manly friends read their mushy letters. You want them to respect you, not laugh at you.
#32 - As a manly guy you cannot tell another guy you love him unless your drunk or dying. All exception's to this rule require some type of near death experience.
#33 - Manly guys do not let wimpy colds get the better of them. They should act like they are nothing and try to ignore them and eventually they will go away. Plus it makes girls think we are tough. When we are at home with family we can whine and beg for help as long as girls we like don't hear it. Note; whining often works really well on our mothers if we act like we are dying or near death.
#34 - Manly guys should NEVER say perverted things or act in any manner that comes off as perverted. This rule is of course is sometimes not used when in the company of all guys. We are expected to be immature. If a girl approaches you should return to your manly man state as stated in the first line above.
#35 - All manly guys should try to give little surprises for their girls, such as a surprise visit, a single red rose, a mushy note, doing little things to cheer her up when things aren't going so good. Not all the time, just sporadic and unexpected. Note; this can backfire on you if you surprise her during a bad hair day or the "emotional" time of the month.
#36 - Manly guys should be smart, but not be too cocky. You can be confident, but you should not be obnoxious or full of yourself. There is a fine line that should be followed. Falling outside that line makes you a pompous idiot. Which is not good unless your girl likes pompous idiot's.
#37 - All manly guys should be like the boy scouts. They should be prepared for anything that might happen. One never knows when some girl will ask you to do or fix something for her. Should a girl ask you to fix something you can't fix you should have an appropriate comment ready for her like for example; "Yes ________ (insert her name), I just need some time to do it. Expertise is not rushed you know!" Spoken in a deep manly voice.
#38 - It is a very manly thing to carry your wallet in your back pocket. Only wussy non-manly men carry their wallets in their front pockets. Even though your wallet may be stolen more easily, it is still the manly thing to do. Sometimes it's not if it's right, but if it looks cool that matters. That's what impresses the girls.
#39 - All manly guys should be aware that many things we do (such as scratching or adjusting ourselves) gross girls out and we should try to avoid doing them. My advice is to act like you would act if your grandma was around. Knowing if you get out of line she will whack you across the ear for your poor manners.
#40 - Girls love manly closeness like a honey bee loves nectar. So at every opportunity a manly man should hold her hand, kiss them, tickle them, and cuddle with them if possible. Note; parents can sometimes interfere with some of these, but unless we are shot dead, never quit trying.
#41 - It is our duty as manly men to kill all bugs and creatures that frightened girls. They will praise us for doing so and sometimes even cling to us like a sock just out of the dryer, which is what we really want. You should smash the offending creature in a dramatic way with pure enjoyment, then puff out your chest and say deep manly words like "it dead, me kill it" while she clings to you like your her favorite plushie doll. Note; Some girls are nature lovers and will think manly men shouldn't have to smash things to prove their maniless unless challenged by other guys. So be careful when smashing things.
~ DUMB GUY QUOTES ~
"Girls are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
Q: How many guys does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q: Why do girls have smaller feet than guys?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A girl that won't do what she's told.
Q: How do you know when a girl is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A guy once told me . . ."
Q: How are guys and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left over are handicapped.
Q: How does a guy show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: What's the quickest way to a guy's heart?
A: Straight through the rib cage.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed guy?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a guy is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: What is the difference between Government Bonds and guys?
A: Government Bonds mature.
Q: What is the difference between a guy and ET?
A: ET phoned home.
Just owning a copy of these rules is sure to spark some debate.
I take no responsibility to the fact that some girls may yell at you for owning a copy of these rules. I carry my copy proudly. Hidden in my pocket for easy reference.
All text is trademarked (TM) and Copyright (C) 2016 By: James L. Shipman II. The first "Dumb Guy Rules" book was published: January 1st, 2003, 1st Edition. Thanks to anyone who might have helped. Future editions of the Dumb Guy Rules (TM) have be published. These copies were printed and sold for 50 cents each. E-mail me at the e-mail address below if you wish to obtain copies of the Dumb Guy Rule books.
