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July 29, 2002 1:30 am

Today was a bitch. I didnt do much all day except have myself and tory get folowed by some pedophilistic creep and sleep most of the day. And then in the evening, Kale and I had another discussion about why we're not getting back together. I just can't take it anymore. Why doesn't he understand?? So I was upset and angry and pissed off, and Greg, who is a complete sweetie, made me feel better and didnt even realize it. Our conversation was dying then he told me he was eating a banana. That's all he said. So I told him I was allergic to bananas. So he started apologising and everything. and this is how it went from there.

*how can i be your girl if you never were a man* says:
why are you apologising?
Greg says:
Greg says:
im like, enjoyin my banana and tellin u about it when ur allergic
Greg says:
that aint cool
*how can i be your girl if you never were a man* says:
i dont even like bananas
Greg says:
oh, ok then
Greg says:
its all good
*how can i be your girl if you never were a man* says:
u actually like bananas?
Greg says:
i luv em
Greg says:
they're my fav fruit
*how can i be your girl if you never were a man* says:
*how can i be your girl if you never were a man* says:
im sorry greg, but we can never get married
Greg says:
*how can i be your girl if you never were a man* says:
*how can i be your girl if you never were a man* says:
dont worry, im sure you'll get over it someday
*how can i be your girl if you never were a man* says:
untill then, im sure we can just be good old fashioned fuck buddies
Greg says: but we aint fuckin so thats not goin too well either
*how can i be your girl if you never were a man* says:
well, we're not as of yet.
but that could change.
Greg says:
well, until then, im gonna cry about us not gettin married

I dont know how and i dont know why, but that was just so cute that i felt somewhat better, aches, pains, pissed offedness and all.

anyways, have i mentioned that i love tory recently? i heard a bit about her conversation with kale, and she was just sticking up for me and things like that. and as much as i like kale as a friend, things between me an him are a bit stressful. im worried about him wanting to kill himself... he wants me back... but hes with my sister and im with ariel... it just doesnt equal out!

anyways, ariel was talking about bolt castle, which i remember from being dragged there a million times when i was little, so i decided to look at some pictures of it on the internet. then i decided i want one. hehehe yea i know, i cant have one, but i can dream rite?

July 27, 2002 2:30 am... oh wait, July 28

Well, I'm about two hours late, but it was on my mind today, I just didn't get around to officially writing it till now. July 27 = two months with Ariel.

as kale so wisely puts it, today was very "assy".

soon to come is an idea inspired by the movie a walk to remember, and stolen from
Sarah's Blog will be my life's to do list. but not now. im sleepy. but i cant decide where i want to sleep. i havent slept in my bed in a while... i mite give that a try tonite

July 26, 2002 11:40 pm

I remember now. I lost my ring. Again. *sigh of all sighs* And its strange how I lost it too. I finally got to take a nap today, for two hours to catch up on the sleep the spiders have been making me miss. And I dreamt I lost my ring! And I woke up, thought it was the weirdest thing ever, but whatever. I felt the emptiness on my hand that I normally feel when I'm not wearing my ring, but thought nothing of it. Then, like a few minutes later, I went to go do my usual bored fiddling with my ring... and its gone. AGAIN!!! and I looked everywhere, especially where I was sleeping... but I have no clue where it is. But I know I had it on before I went to sleep because I had to load the dishwasher then, and I remembered to take it off so it wouldnt get all yucky. Then I remembered forgetting to put it on, and having to go back to get it before I went to sleep... How strange is that??

July 26, 2002 11:10 pm

Sarah and I had a conversation last night. It was about the usual, blah blah blah, then we started talking about real things, how we all have someone that we admire. And I got to thinking, who do I admire? And I'm thinking a little deeper than my sexy man whore, James Marsters. I admire Sarah. She has the courage to tell everyone exactly what she thinks of them. And she has the courage to do exactly what she wants, when she wants to. I'd love to do that! But I cant! I'm too worried that if I say the wrong thing, something bad will happen, or someone will be upset or mad at me. And I admire Tory. I don't know what it is about her, she's just got the charm or something. She's got the attitude to make people like her. And it's not something she tries to do, its just something that naturally happens to her. I admire Erin too. She's so much fun to be around and she's so creative. All these people have a trait, a quality that I'd like to have. But that's not me. That's not who I am.

I would just like to take a moment in memory or Ariels blog. It is being discontinued. It will be greatly missed. Let us bow our heads in moment of silence to honour Ariel's blog. ...ok that's enough.

I really did have something else to say. But I can't remember. Seeing as I probably will be on the computer at some insane hour once more, I'll prolly write again later when I remember.

July 25, 2002 11 am

Ariel got home yesterday from camp!! I was sitting on the couch, thinking about what time he might get home, when the phone rang! ...it wasn't him... it was my mommy. so i decided to forget about it, let him call me when he gets home, whatever. and the phone rings again. and guess who it was? ariellllllll... so we talked for a while, then he had to go talk to his brother etc etc etc. Later that evening, Laura and I met up with him in the soccer field behind the school to watch some people play soccer. it was alrite, but all evening he was kind of distant kind of quiet, so me and laura got worried that he might be upset or something, but he assured us he was just tired. to make a long story short, laura went home, me and him went on a walk, my mom was spying on me... AGAIN... and thats pretty much it. ariel has to go away again on saturday... for two weeks this time, on vacation. i hope he has fun... and he assures me that he didnt forget about me at camp... =)

tory and i were supposed to go to daves house today... but maple is so far away and so hard to get to and we weren't really up to it today, so we settled in for a long hard day of lounging around the house. another one. my sister comes home in just over a week, that should be interesting...

i cant help but feel this summer has been wasted away, even though its not yet done. this first month has been spent doing mostly nothing, and the month to come doesnt look much more promising. why should it? andrew and ariel will still be gone much of the time, except now erin, joanna and kale will also be gone!! plus the week that im gone at the end... every other i have spent in maple, with victoria, or peter or justin or taunya, etc etc etc, people that have lived on my street for the past like, 5 years. this is my first summer without all them, and honestly, its boring. i have no one that i can run across the street to and say "im bored, wanna go get a movie?" and at night theres no more night volleyball, theres none of the truth or dare on taunya's or peter's porch. i cant sit on my porch with the girls and just talk with them anymore. i remember the day a few years ago, my sister and i were sitting on taunya's porch with another amanda and taunya, when my mom called us in for a few minutes to talk. she sat us down at the kitchen table, and told us that her and my dad were getting a divorce. and then they just told us that we could go back outside. i left first, back to taunya's porch. i got back, and they knew me well enough to know that something was wrong... and as i was telling them, i started crying... and i remember us walking over to the other amandas porch, and us just sitting there talking, them telling me they'd always be there for me, etc etc etc.

ahh yes, the good old days... hehehe...

July 23, 2002

I swear, there must be something wrong with me. I must be pmsing. Or I must be upset for some reason or other. All I know is that I was on the phone with the retarded Bell Canada lady, I got off the phone, and I couldnt help it! I started crying, and I couldnt stop! And when I couldnt figure out why I was crying, that made me more upset... its so weird... and not cool... it wasnt fun...

anyways, onto something slightly more normal. i was watching tv when i got bored today, and i was watching breaker high because ryan gosling is so incredibly cute.... but a girl named tamira got her kiss from her new boyfriend blah blah blah it was one of those perfect, special kisses, blah blah blah... and i started thinking. i've never had one of those. i've only ever had one nearly perfect kiss. and im not even going to describe that to the general public... cuz thats my own business... :op but i want one. and im beginning to doubt their very existence... tory's never had one... and all this isnt to say that kisses and kissing are bad... (cuz no tory, its not that i dont like it, u asked me and wayne if we'd prefer kissing or sex. you said kissing. me and him said sex.) its just that the magic of it is dying. the magic of romance in general is dying away. and it really sucks. all most girls want is a relationship with romance in it... im sitting here wondering what romance even is. it cant be defined by flowers or sweet words. looking it up at dictionary.com brings you results everywhere from the ever popular sex (wo0t wo0t for sex <-_-*> ) to a "love affair" to a fascination with something. is it so much to ask, for one perfect kiss in a lifetime? writing this reminds me of that movie, never been kissed. i even took the time to look up for you people that girls description of a perfect kiss.

"That thing, that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person that you are supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment, you get this amazing gift, and you wanna laugh and you wanna cry. Because you feel soo lucky that you found it, but so scared that it will go away all at the same time."

im sorry, but i want one. i hope they exist. maybe they only exist when you're getting married and you have to kiss the bride/groom. and thats when u have ur moment. if so, im screwed. i could never see myself getting married. its a scary thought really when you think about it. hopefully one day i will be able to write here at some insane hour of the morning, tell you that finally i got my kiss. my perfect kiss. stupid movies and songs and everything thats had this image in my head, ever since i was a little girl. the right atmosphere, the right words... but the stupid thing is, it will probably never happen! stupid dreams... they've gotten my expectations up so high, that i doubt anyone could ever reach my "perfect kiss"

hopefully ariel gets back wednesday... but if andrews not coming back is any sign of whats to come, im not gonna expect anything...

July 20, 2002

Andrew comes back in...2 days!
Ariel comes back in... 4 days!
Erin leaves in... 4 days!
Kale leaves in... 15 days!
Siklos comes back in... a long long time... i dont know the date... or the date that bernstein comes back....

Kales going out with Amanda. My ex boyfriend is dating my sister... How do I feel about this? I dont know. But I dont have any right to tell either of them who they can or cannot date, so I told them it was alrite. Especially since I'm going out with Ariel. Who am I to restrict who my ex boyfriend and sister can date? No one. One ant in a colony. So I hope they're happy together. But if they fuck, I do NOT want to hear about it. And when they break up, I can, and will not console the both of them. hehehe I'm so mean...

Anyways, I knew I had nothing to say tonite. I'm too tired... and... ummm... too... lonely? I guess? I actually want school to start, but without the homework and without the classes. So its like... all day lunch... And then after this massive lunch, it could be the normal after school scene, me, tory, andrew, ariel, usually geffen and sometimes max sitting in front of the school... Then Scott coming along and making all his comments, with the random ppl showing up to stop and talk, etc etc etc. That would be a good day.

oh well, school doesnt start for about 7 more weeks or so. and kale... not all girls lie ALL the time... yes, most girls lie when they think its in the best interest of someone else... i personally lie more than i should... but so do lots of ppl... and im a crappy liar, ppl can always tell when im lying. even on msn... dont ask me how...

oh yeah, one more thing before i end this...
grrr... ruff... bad doggy... *winks*

July 18, 2002 12:00pm

You all knew this would happen, didnt you? I knew it would happen too, but i didn't want to admit it. And I didn't think i'd start writing again so soon. Oh well, I feel the world has to know what going on in my head. As long as it wont upset anyone...

The world now gets to know how much I love guys. Reading Tory's blog reminded me how we were talking about that a few days ago, and I couldn't live without guys. I'm a hypocrite, because I do this too, but girls are too picky. And too complicated. They don't even understand themselves why they do things alot of the time. They lie, and they go behind peoples backs, but alot of the time they do it because they think they're doing it for someone's own good. And because I'm a girl and know what girls do, it makes me suspicious of people for an ulterior motive. "Does she really want that, or is she just saying that to make me feel better?" "What does he really want?" etc etc etc. Guys are so much more relaxed, it's easy to have fun with them... Tory's right, when I'm older, I wanna live with either a good friend, or a guy. Or get a big apartment and live with a good friend and two guys! That would be the perfect rooming situation for me! Without guys... I don't know what I'd do. I usually hang out with guys... thats the way its always been with me, and i'm cool with that. maybe it all relates back to prince charming... maybe im just looking for him...but dont worry tor, i fall for the sweet words too. it works every single time. a nice word, a nice gesture... i dont know why, but thats always why i've liked guys. but sometimes they just dont get it. i am a girl, and i do all the things i hate, but i cant help it. i cant help expecting the world from guys. but it hurts everytime that im disappointed. when will i ever learn?

anyways, onto a new topic... ariel gets back in 6 days... i didnt get a letter today, but thats alrite...i betcha hes forgotten about me... im dying here without him, and everyone else thats gone. im gonna freak out soon, more than a did two weeks ago when my mom asked me what i was doing the next day and i started yelling and freaking out... but she understood... i was lonely and upset.... but i've gotten used to it!! i've perfected the art of lonelines... how sad is that?

July 16, 2002 9 pm

Today was a miserable day. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I had a crappy day. Starting at 7 am, I had to get up to volunteer. That was just a bitch. Then I get home, there's no mail for me, whatever I'm used to it. Ariel's forgotten me. He kinda told me that in his last letter. And I've been kind of getting that vibe from him... the whole... I'm at camp... I don't need to remember those at home...or how about a direct quote? "The first time I went to camp and had fun, I even forgot I had a family" Then I made lunch and called Tory's house, discovered she and Wayne had ditched and gone to Wonderland. So I got to sit around the house and be all mopey all day, I'm not even gonna share with the world what went through my head all day, I'm sure you don't want to know. So finally I told myself to stop lying around, and go do something productive. So I went to work on my site, and discovered I'm a total moron, and can't figure out how to use Javascript and CGI, which by the way, in my not so humble opinion, are WHORES! *ahem* anyways, after I did that, I went to take a shower, missing one of the only phone calls I've received all day. It was Tory and Wayne calling, to say that they're having a great day, but don't worry I got the whole story later when they called just before I ate dinner. They asked me how my day was, I said crappy, and I think they took it as a joke. Hah hah hah this is me laughing. I'm a bitter girl... I've spent the better part of today reading blogs and emails. I received word from my dad the other day, which I feel it is time to announce to the world that he too is a whore, because he decided he didn't love his daughter enough to stick around in the country. Oh yes, what's more, he didn't give the two shits it woulda taken to tell her he was leaving. Well I got an email from him, the first in months, saying hes in Salem. Of course, his email is all happy pretending nothings wrong, but thats just like him, now isnt it? He was always the one that never wanted to face reality. He was the one who told me I wasn't sick, when that very night I had to be rushed to the hospital when I was little. Thank you Daddy, I'm so glad you care I'm alive. Maybe I'm naive, pretending I've always been Daddy's little girl. But hey, time for you all to know, he never gave a crap about me. I bet he only stuck around because the lawyers made him. Yeah, well fuck you too lawyers, you make my life a living hell, always calling my mom to court. Lawyers never do anything productive. They waste time and money. But in the end, they get it done I suppose. Nothing that I couldn't do in a billion fucking less hours. Yeah, we got a letter from the lawyer's a couple days ago too. Hell, am I suppose to care that they're going to arrest my dad when they find him? Should I count the tears that I have shed, merely in vain? Or should I go on hiding it from the world? I can't leave this country until I'm 18. Wanna know why? My dad. He signed a paper saying he has to be notified if I want to leave the country, even for a day, for shopping or vacation. But fuck, he's gone now. I wish there was some magical paper I could sign saying "Daddy, you have to tell me when you're going to be walking out of my life again." I blame him. I blame him for it all. But wasn't it Ariel who said, so many months ago, when I first got worried when I kept hearing the pre recorded voice when I dialed my dad's number, that Ariel was sure my dad was ok, and something was just screwed up and I had nothing to worry about? Nothing to worry about my ass. My father couldn't care less whether I was dead or alive. When I get married, if I could ever find someone to love me for who I am, will my dad be there? Or will he be in Vegas, gambling? Or maybe in some other state, checking out some tourist attraction. He always ran away from his problems. Someone I care about really deeply once told me that I'm just like my dad. I promised this person I wouldn't get mad at him when he said it. And I didnt. But those words cut deeper than anything anyone knife or razor ever could.

So this is what I thought about most of the day. I'm going to grow up to be a bitter old lady, because I certainly am a bitter teenage. I so desperately want to hold onto some dream, some shred of hope that things could once again be normal, but I know that at least for now, that's not going to happen. I wish I could be like Tory, wishing on stars. But the stars don't shine for me anymore. They shine for those who can be the best at something, those who make a difference in this world. Well guess what world, that's never going to be me. Where does that leave me to fit in? I know the answer. I've known it since I was a scared little girl, hiding in the closet trying to get away from the yelling at the screaming. That leaves me with my own world that I'd like to pretend exists, but know that if it truly did, then I wouldn't be this bitter. No Kale, I'm not going to look on the bright side. I'm going to look at what's right in front of my face right here and now.

I know that everything I do has an impact on at least one other person. Someone runs away, and someone else gets upset and starts to wonder why bad things happen to them. Someone cuts themself, and someone else feels guilty and scared, not knowing what to do. Someone else tries to improve how they look by pushing themselves too far because of one biting comment from someone they care about. Another person starts doing drugs to get closer to someone who's too ignorant to love them for who they really are. Maybe this blog entry won't do anything but make people mad. I'm sorry. I know I've said mean things. I apologise to Tory and Wayne, I'm not upset or mad that you two went out today. I'm glad that yuo two had a good day, you both deserve it. I'm not mad at Javascript or CGI because I'm too pissed off and blind to see how it works. I'm not mad at Kale for telling me how he feels, it his thoughts, and I appreciate them even if I don't agree. I'm not mad at my mom for divorcing my dad, because I know it was the right thing for her to do, even if it's made my life more difficult then I would like it to be. And I'm certainly not mad at Ariel for going away to sumemr camp and having a good time. He deserves it too. I just wish I had the answers. I wish I knew how to deal with things, how to act in certain situations. And I'm trying, but I'm making mistakes. When will it be enough?

July 15, 2002 10:50 pm

Everything is all weird tonite... everything is inside out, and nothings how it seems. Someone told me its alright for people to cut themselves. Someone else told me she thinks our friend is either pregnant or stoned. Another friend told me they think I'm selfish for cutting myself before (a long time ago), and that in doing that, I obviously don't care about other people. I was thinking about that anyways, what I did. Last nite, Tory and I were also talking about it, and she asked me something that made me really think. "But how did you feel after you did it?" The truth? Scared, alone, with nowhere to turn, and no one to talk to, even though I knew that I had friends I could turn to, and tell them anything. But that's not how I felt. So I started looking at poems about it. And I found a really good one. Here it is:

'Cutting' by Dina

There is so much I keep bottled up inside.
There is nowhere to turn, nowhere to hide.
But who can I talk to? who can I trust?
If I keep it inside, I'm going to bust.
They do not understand, they will never see.
That cutting helps me deal with reality.
There are so many pressures pulling at me.
I feel some release when I make myself bleed.
I need to see the blood, and feel the pain.
It helps me to cope, and helps me stay sane.
Long, short, and jagged cuts, some are shallow, some are deep.
Some think that I am crazy, some think that I'm a creep.
How can I explain the if's, where's, how's, why's, and when's?
When I don't know myself, it just kind of happens.
If I make enough cuts, someone will notice and see.
Then they will pay attention, and get some help for me.
They don't know the stress of being in school.
Or trying to fit in, and being cool.
Of making your parents happy, earning respect from peers.
All of the trials to overcome during teenage years.
I may not speak out through writing, or through word.
But by cutting myself, I beg to be heard.
The pain from the cuts, I don't feel at first.
Of all of my pain, it is not the worst.
The emotional pain is much more intense.
Of life and my actions, I can not make sense.
I don't want to hurt my mom or my dad.
I don't want to make anybody sad.
I want to make my parents proud of me.
I don't want to cause them any misery.
I want to be good, and do what is right.
I don't want trouble, I don't want to fight.
I don't like being on restriction, or not allowed on the phone.
Not being able to see my friends, or be left home alone.

Everythings screwed up tonite... am I relly selfish? Or did I just have nowhere to turn? Did he just say that because he cares, and doesnt want me to do it again? I wanted to last nite. Two things stopped me. People being disappointed in me, and I didn't want the feeling of being alone in the world. I want Ariel to be home. He's the one to talk some sense into me. Kale usually would, but he just told me tonight that it's ok to do it. Is it? That goes against what everyone's told me... and what I seem to know. What would Ariel tell me? Something along the lines of not to do it. To think of why I'm doing it, and to just calm me down until I just want to lie there looking up at nothing because I've thought everything through way too much, and I need to think about it a bit more. Yes, Kale is right, if I look at the positive things then things don't seem to suck so much. I have people like Greg here for me all the time. I have great friends, people who truly care. I have Kale, who's open to hearing anything, and Wayne who's open to doing most anything. I've got Ariel. I've got my sister to help me out when things get bad at home. I've got Tory, who will understand anything and everything. And Sarah, who can always make me feel better. Then there's Erin, who's just all around fun to be around. See? That doesn't look so bad. But the thought and the poem are still in my head. *sigh* Why can't someone talk some sense into me? I think what hurt the worst was when I showed Kale the scars on my leg yesterday, and he didn't care in the slightest. He absolutely could not have cared less that I had done this to myself. I counted them one time, but some things are better left unsaid.

July 14, 2002

Today was not a good day..starting from yesterday actually. My hamster ran away yesterday. I found her cage wide open, and her not in it, and I’ve looked everywhere, but she’s gone... and I doubt I’m gonna find her... I’m gonna sleep on the floor tonight so that if she comes out in the living room, then I’ll find her and be able to put her back in her cage where she belongs. *sigh* it’s been only 2 days but I really miss her. She’s so little... someone could just come along and squish her, or my dog could find her and decide she’s hungry... What if I never see her again?
And today... today was hell.
Me and Tory went to go see Wayne and Kale today. Thats when the yelling starting Myy mom first started yelling at me because I was actually going with him, then because I wanted to know why I had to be home by 5:00 pm and then for a variety of other reasons. And I just couldn’t take Kale’s constant bitching and sarcasm towards me, as well as my mom yelling at me, and I lost it and started crying. Of course, the only one who knew I was crying was Tory, but there was nothing she could do about it. Either no one else knew, or no one else cared.
Then came this morning.
Me, Tory, and Wayne were going to meet Kale in front of Wonderland... WONDERLAND... at 10:30. I started calling at 9 am Tory to find out what time I should meet her so we could go. She wasn’t awake, and no one else was home. Her phone doesn’t wake her up. By an hour later of calling her every ten minutes, my mom started to yell at me again, saying that if Tory wasn’t going, there’s no way I could go. And once more, I started crying. Because I would let down not only Kale, but Wayne too. Finally, at about 10:40 am Tory calls me saying she’s so sorry, and she slept in. But whatever, I wasn’t actually mad. We left right away, with out luck we had just missed the bus, and it being Sunday service, only comes once every half hour. So we finally get on our first bus, but the second one came early, we miss that one too, and have to wait another half hour to catch the other one. Once we finally arrive at Wonderland at just before 12, we discover that Wayne left about 2 minutes before we got there, off to find some random people to hang out with. I guess we’re just not worth the wait. Anyways, it was really hot out today, like 33 degrees, and me and Tory don’t do well in the heat. Almost as soon as we got there, we felt really sick with the first signs of heat exhaustion, but after a water ride and big slushies we felt a lot better. What kinda bothered me was kale kept touching me...He kept trying to get at my belt, or put his hands in my pockets. At the end of the hot, tiring day, he asked me if we could get back together again. I told him, that no we couldn’t. Which was when it became his turn to flip out, he got really upset and started crying. Which was about the time when our bus came, or what I thought was our bus. Turns out our bus didn’t come for another 20 minutes, but we went to the bus and then they told us it was the wrong one. So Tory went to go talk to Kale because he was sitting there on the other side of a hill, depressed. So I didn’t think it would be the best time to go talk to him, so I sit at the bus stop, alone, and the weight of the past two days came down on my shoulders, and I cry again. People pass me, and look at me, but no one cares. Our bus finally comes, I muster the strength to say “bye kale” and get on the bus, and cry all the way home. One of the only things I could bring myself to say were “I wish Ariel were here right now” and “I wish I could get off here and walk to Greg’s house” Anyways, I got home, cried some more, looked for my hamster (unsuccessfully) and looked in the mirror. I have such a sunburn. I hate going outside. It hurts sooo much, and I think me and Tory both have heat exhaustion, but we’re going out again tomorrow. Hah, I bet we’re both gonna be sick and not get to go. As well, we didn’t find Wayne ALL day. Turns out, he had a great day. Found some random people to hang out with all day and had a blast, meanwhile, we’re worrying our asses off about him.
And then Kale puts up his blog entry. Oh yeah, it didn’t help at all, neither me nor Tory. She spent a good amount of time crying today too. but I'm not mad at him for what he wrote, he has a right to write it...it just upset me cuz when i read it, it reminded me of today. So that was my day.
Im tired, im going to sleep. for days hopefully.

July 13, 2002 11:11 pm

11:11... brings back a lot of old memories... if you look at the clock, and it's 11:11, you're supposed to make a wish before it turns to 11:12... and supposedly it will come true... i guess it's like wishing on a star... only i've done this forever... I was planning on proving kale right, and talking about how things suck, and why im currently upset... but it was 11:11 and that got me thinking... if i could have any one with come true, what would it be? maybe it would be to find my prince charming... maybe i've found him... maybe he's a good friend, maybe he's someone i can't stand at the moment, maybe he's someone I once had, but was to blind to see, and lost him... if i had my prince charming, someone to ride up on a white horse and save me every time i curled up in the dark bathroom corner with the tears streaming down my face, someone to share my happiness every time i laugh, someone to know when i'm lying, and understand all the same, someone to keep me safe while i sleep, and someone to defend me... someone to make me feel pretty... someone to make me feel like im the best at something, like i have a true purpose on this earth. and the scary thing is, what if i've already found him? what if this person has already kissed away my tears? what if he's been right in front of my eyes all along... and i just didnt want to realize it? what if one of the guys i hang out with is him? but because of the guys i hang out with, i get called a slut. and yeah, if you go by some peoples standards, because i usually hang out with guys and i like to be touchy feely with my friends, then im a slut. and i like being this "slut" and i dont care what the people who call me this think. maybe torys right, maybe we're just hormone filled boy crazy teenage girls. but i know my prince charming is somewhere out there... when my hamster goes missing, he'll be the one to come over and hug my as i cry on the floor because im sad shes gone, but afraid to sit on the couch because she might be under there and we might squish her. he'll be the one to eat ice cream with me when things happen that i cant control, and ice cream seems to be my only friend. he'll be the one always there to remind me that no matter how shitty things get, just imagine how they could be worse, and try to keep me from making it worse. but most of all, he'd love me for me. always second best, mood swining, always in pain, always tired, and cant hold a grudge Debby. prince charming... if ur somewhere out there... come find me... its hard waiting... and the bathroom floor is cold, dark and lonely when im upset...

July 10, 2002

deja vu man... gawd, this is like it was three days ago... i feel all alone again, second best in everything. no matter what i do, someones always better than me. he always likes someone better than me. someones always more important than me. it happens every single day, i take the back seat to people, often my close friends. and either no one gets it or no one cares that i feel like this. i know people care about me, but they dont listen. they just say they care, they dont really mean it. ugh, i feel like a little girl is inside me screaming to be free, wanting to feel special for something good shes done, but thats not going to happen! thats never fucking going to happen, because i can never do anything the "best". i have no special talents or interests, nothing sets me apart from the crowd. and i cant stand it. this is what makes me feel so alone, even when im in a big group of friends. have you ever said something to someone just to be told you're wrong? and then not have them say you're wrong? i've learned not to do that, because yuo won't always get the answer you want... and that just sets you up to fall farther. farther and farther into a hole which you have dug for yourself... i now know what the expression digging your own grave means, and its not a pleasant.

and its not like im pmsing and just saying this because i've had a bad day, its been like this forever. my sister was better than me. o0o0o0 she got 100% in her computer class.... but debby didnt... o0o0o that girl's so pretty...but debbys not... o0o0o that girl's so smart.... why can't debby be as smart as her? why can't debby be as responsible as her? why can't debby do as well as so and so? why isn't debby like so and so? debby's not fat. shes "solid". oh, but thats not what she should be worried about.. no no, its her face. shes got an ugly face. isnt that right? isnt that what you told me mom? and how many other people have said the exact same words to me, each time, it cutting deeper and deeper until the tears pool up in my eyes. yet still no one notices. and still i dont have to words to say anything. so i sit here suffering in silence, not willing to tell anyone what's wrong, not willing to admit i'm happy. years of feeling this way only lead to an outlook that the future won't change. people will be like this and do this whether they mean to or not, whether they know how hard their words hit me or not. things eating me up inside... words never to be said, or written for another human to ever see. never... to ever change, no matter how hard i try, no matter how hard i work at it. always second best.

July 7, 2002 12:41 am

I feel much better now... still alone and stuff... but not all mopey... i spent a while looking at sexy guys... its good therapy, seriously you should try it sometime... heres a few hints: James Marsters... James Marsden... Sean William Scott... David Boreanaz (even though hes old..) Thats who I occupied my time with, and it just occurred to me that I never even thought about Ryan Gosling or Shane West while I was thinking of cute guys to look up!! Anyways, time to play more games on google... i found a new one, but its too hard... its called googlewhack. the point of it is to use a two word search without quotation marks and to come up with just one result... i did it once but i can't remember what i got... it had the word splediforous in it... try it!! its soo hard!! and tell me what words you get, im a nerd, i like to know these things.

July 7, 2002 10 pm

I know, I haven't written in here in a while, I just was busy writing letters to people, and ummm working on other parts of the website I guess... gawd I've been in such a crappy mood lately... I'm so mopey tonight... I've been lying around doing nothing, but the phone's been ringing like, every half hour!! It must have rang at least 20 times today, and that's not including call waiting... And each time, it wasn't for me!! I feel so alone!! Like everyone has either left me, forgotten that I exist, or just don't care... my mom noticed me lying aorund earlier, asked me if i was ok, then asked if she could cheer me up... I asked if she would go to the gym with me today, and she said sure, she just had to get a bit of work done first... and she forgot about me too... And it's not like she's still working, she's sitting in the kitchen, tlaking on the phone right now! I'm home alone all day, every day... it kinda sucks when even your own mother is too busy for you... or maybe shes just forgotten about me too... ugh... and daniel was finally on msn!! so i said hi... and he told me he was too busy to talk to me... and then kale told me that he's hated me for a while... and then kyle told me that he doesnt like me... which doesnt really bother me, cuz i've got ariel (mwa!)... but i dunno, it felt nice to be liked by someone... but apparently that was all a lie... yeah, im just feeling alone... i'm gonna go... nail some jello to a tree or something...no! I now turn to chocolate.. chocolate would never forget about me... mmmm... chocolate...

July 3, 2002

fuk it... i cant take it... i cant live here... i dont know what im going to do... i just cant do it anymore... i cant take my mom, i cant take whatevers happening here... i just cant do it anymore.. fuk this im outta here

July 2, 2002

ok so my blog is back up... along with my little rant about censorship... but even after writing that (and it sucks, cuz i did it all by myself, with no help from andrei, tory, amanda, or ariel, i had to go through my blog and delete or edit some things. cuz although they weren't meant to hurt ppl, they might, and i dont want that to happen. so i've edited this the best i can, and if it still hurts some people, im really sorry, but im not sure what i can do about it. do you really want me to censor everything even more? i shouldnt have to in the first place, but i do, and whatever, i'll deal with that...but if the tihngs I say in here make you mad, or sad, please don't be angry at me... i didnt write them to hurt you, i wrote them because thats what was in my head. please dont yell at you... if you really want me to, i'll see if i can change it...