Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
Did you ever hear the story of Tantalus? In Greek mythology he was a king who was so honored by the gods that he was even permitted to dine with them on Olympus. He took advantage of this privilege one night when they ate at his palace, by killing his only son and serving him for dinner just to test their knowledge. The gods passed this test, well aware of what the king had done, and condemned him for life. He was hung from a tree in Tantarus, and punished with everlasting thirst and hunger. Below him there was a pool of water, but if he stooped down for a drink, it would sink from his grasp. Above him was the tree abundant with luscious fruits, but if tried to take one, a gust of wind would blow the branches out of reach. Tantalus was forever tormented with the desire for what he could never have. Just like I am.
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again
The longing possesses my entire being so much that it’s beyond my control. Every time I see him, every time I hear his voice, every time his body unintentionally brushes against mine, I nearly crumble to the ground, weakened with desire. If only I could quench it. If only I didn’t have to feel my heart desperately thudding in my chest whenever he’s near, so loud that I’m nearly convinced that he can hear it.
You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
He’s my reason. He gives meaning to this life of mine that is lacking so much. I want him so badly that it terrifies me. I can’t face rejection, my inevitable fate. I hate it! It tears me apart inside, tugging at my emotions, submitting me to absolute torture. I’ve tried so hard to stop it, anything to get my mind off him and this nonexistent love we’ll never have. And just when I’m convinced that I’ve gotten rid of it, just when I’m sure that those feelings are gone, I see him and fall even deeper than where I started.
You are the light
To my soul
You are my purpose
You are everything
All I want is just one night with him. Just a few hours of being held in his arms, just the brief touch of his lips upon mine and his hands in my hair and his whisper in my ear. Is it so much to ask? Our moments alone are unbearable because the temptation is so strong. I can’t even focus. In my mind, we’re cuddled up in a blanket by the fireplace. In reality, I’m standing there, dumbfounded. Absolutely helpless.
And how can I
Stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this
It’s eight o’clock in the morning. With a deep breath, I turn the knob and thrust open the door. For once we’ve been booked in a rather ritzy hotel and all of us are spending the next two nights in one super-deluxe suite. I catch my breath and lean against the doorframe for support. If there is a heaven, he must have descended from it. I stand still, in total silence, just watching him. I love to watch him sleep.
You calm the storms
You give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won’t let me fall
He stirs, and looks up at me wearily. He doesn’t have to say a word. His eyes don’t question me; they never do. He stares right back, neither of us wanting to break the gaze. We’ll never mention this again. We’ll deny it if we have to. I swear I see the look of lust in his eyes every time we do this, and we do it every day. I never fail to doubt myself later. I must be mistaken. I see that look every day because I want to see it, not because it’s really there. I wonder if I’ll be able to recognize the difference when it is.
You still my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Would you take me deeper now
I walk toward him, wishing I could climb into that bed and slip under the covers. Wishing I could lie beside him and crawl into his arms. The world would disappear and it would be just us two. Nothing would stand in my way.
And how can I
Stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this
Would he make the first move? I wasn’t bold enough. I was too reluctant, and too scared. All that I wanted, I could see in his eyes, but I refused to believe it was really there. To have what I wanted would be too simple. I decided that I needed him to point me in the right direction. He would have to show me that it was okay. I knew it would never happen, and that’s probably why it was the decision I opted with.
And how can I
Stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this
Our eyes are still interlocked as I continue the endless path to be by his side. The craving for him is building up inside, mounting so high that I can barely breathe. My heart is pounding wildly as he still looks on with that undefined expression on his face. And then it snaps. He breaks the gaze, and I nearly cry out in pain. I have all these emotions ready to pour out and he pulls the plug before they can. He always does. He always knows exactly when to pull it, at that moment when I’m so vulnerable that I could burst into tears.
‘Cause you are all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything
Everything
"You were watching me," he says, his eyes on the ceiling. It’s not accusing or upset, just a plain matter-of-fact statement. I nod, too caught up in heart-wrenching emotions to speak. I’m too confused to even collect my thoughts and sputter out something mildly intelligent. There was no point in giving a reason. He knows.
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything
Everything
Not like this was anything new. He’d have to be rather oblivious not to know, because whether I realize it or not, I’m flirting with him constantly. Laughing at everything he says, touching him casually, feeling myself blush at the mere mention of his name. What’s wrong with me? I used to think that I concealed it so well, but now it’s inescapable how blatantly obvious I am. Maybe they all know, and maybe they’re all laughing at me behind my back. Maybe he is too, but it doesn’t matter. I’d deny everything if he ever brings it up, but I know he never will. And even if he does, it still won’t make a difference. I’ll never be able to let go.
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything
Everything
I want to hate him. I want him to make me so angry that I never speak to him again. I wish that he never walked into my life and stole away my heart. Life would be so much easier without him. Yet at the same time, I can’t bear the thought.
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything
Everything
And sometimes I wonder, shouldn’t I hate him? He knows how I feel, and he leads me on anyway. Even though I’m not certain about his gazes, if I think they’re lustful, then isn’t that enough? Why does he tell me things that he knows will make me smile? Why does he hang around constantly? Does he enjoy tormenting me?
And how can I
Stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this
I gain composure, just as our eyes meet again. He knows, and he understands. Now it’s my turn to understand that we will never be. He’ll be my friend, but only that at most. You can’t always have what you want, he’s telling me. He doesn’t feel the same.
And how can I
Stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better
Any better than this
I nod again, confirming our mutual agreement. So this is how it ends, I think, as I exit the room in dejection. From this point forward, my act of lust would disappear. He flat-out erased any doubt in my mind that we really couldn’t be together. It should be just as easy to erase all those feelings that I kept bottled inside forever. Only it wouldn’t be, because despite everything, I still didn’t want to give up. What if that wasn’t what he meant? What if I misread his feelings? What if he really did feel the same way and was just as scared as I was? Still clinging to that slim chance, I whipped around suddenly, briefly considering the thought of running back and telling him exactly how it would be. But he had already fallen asleep again, and with tear-brimmed eyes, I watched him, just like I always do. Weakly holding out my arms, I reached for the unreachable—just like I always will.
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this