Quasimodo
by JackPhillipsGirl
DISCLAIMER: "Quasimodo" belongs to Lifehouse.
You could be right
And I’ll be real
Honesty won’t be a pain
That you will have to feel
He stood so strongly for what he believed in. I let him do it, because what right did I have to say he couldn’t? It always worried me. I thought it was just a meaningless hobby that he’d grow tired of eventually. I thought he would let go, as we all do at some point. I didn’t know that it would take over his life. I didn’t know that it would take his life.
‘Cause I don’t need your approval to find my worth
I’ve been trapped inside of my own mind
Afraid to open my eyes ‘cause of what I’d find
And I don’t want to live like this anymore
Thirteen years have passed and I haven’t made any progress. I still mourn for Rick. Every day. Every day, at some point, I’ll pick up that photograph and gaze at it longingly, blinking back the tears. I’ll wonder, what if? What if I just told him no? What if I told him that this was ridiculous, and you won’t find what you’re looking for? What if I told him, stay home with me tonight? I’ve played out every one of those possibilities and so many more in my mind time and time again. But somehow, he always leaves. No matter what I do or say, he takes that doomed journey to nowhere. And maybe it’s time that I just let him take it.
There goes my pain
There goes my chains
Did you see them falling
‘Cause this feeling
That has no meaning
There goes the world
Off of my shoulders
There goes the world
Off of my back
There it goes
I want to be free of this pain. It’s time to say goodbye, and it has been for a long time. I just didn’t want to admit it. Rick is holding me back from everything I’ve ever wanted to be and all that I’ve wanted to have. All I ever really wanted was a family and someone to love. Instead I’ve got a non-existent daughter who still believes her daddy will come home, a stubborn son who wants to pretend that he never was, and an overly perky girl who doesn’t respect my healing time—the one that seems to extend into eternity. I can’t help but blame Rick for my weaknesses. And I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
Does it scare you that I can be something different than you
Would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn’t
You can’t control me
And you can’t take away from me who I am
How could I move on when there was nothing to move to? How could I fill that gaping hole in my life? Rick controlled me by consuming my every thought, always making me feel guilty because I didn’t hold him back when I could have. Now that he’s gone, he avenges by holding me back. Every man I felt even remotely attracted to thereafter would make me wonder, would Rick approve? The answer always was, of course, no. I guess it never crossed my mind that Rick isn’t alive. He has no opinion! Only I do, and it was I who didn’t approve because I was scared to replace him. Well, I’m not scared anymore.
There goes my pain
There goes my chains
Did you see them falling
‘Cause this feeling
That has no meaning
There goes the world
Off of my shoulders
There goes the world
Off of my back
I need someone. Rick locked me in these chains thirteen years ago and I finally found the key. It’s funny how that key turned up where I least expected to find it.
You can’t change me
You can’t break me
It was right after Jack went off to college, and Fi decided she didn’t want to leave Seattle, and even Annie was whisked away by her parents. I would have been lonelier than I’ve ever been, more than I could have imagined possible. I would probably drown in a bottomless pool of depression and sorrow and self-pity. Just when my world should have shattered to the ground, he was there to gather the pieces.
There goes the world
Off of my shoulders
There goes the world
Off of my back
And somehow the burden has been lifted from my shoulders. He removed it with his touch. He did it by being there when no one else was and by understanding me when no one else could. He always offers the shoulder for me to cry on. He always has the time to hear me spill out my thoughts and worries without even saying a word—just listening. He’s the whisper in my ear, telling me everything will be all right. If only it didn’t have to be a whisper. If only I didn’t have to feel like it needed to be kept secret from everyone, including Rick. If only I didn’t feel like I was still locked up, just differently.
Have you ever felt
Like your only comfort was your cage
You’re not alone
I have felt the same as you
Have you ever felt
Like your secrets give you away
You’re not alone
I have been there, too
I’m didn’t want to trade the chains for this cage. I’m tired of lying. I just want to be free of everything holding me back. The cage doesn’t fit me anymore and I want out. It wouldn’t be easy, but it was the only way and it was better than living like this.
Everyone is looking
And everyone is laughing
But I think everyone feels the same
Everybody wants to feel okay
Everybody wants to
Everybody wants to feel
They thought I had gone mad, of course. Would it surprise you to know that Jack and Fi call me less? Would it surprise you to discover that Irene hardly speaks to me unless it concerns the tour or the record? Probably not. But it might surprise you to know that I don’t even care. If that’s what they want to think of me, so be it. I can’t worry myself so recklessly anymore. Look what it had done to me! My mourning period shouldn’t have lasted thirteen years. I shouldn’t have cared so much of what everyone else thinks, and whether or not they accept it. They’ll get over it. All that matters now is how I feel. And I know that since he waltzed into my life I’ve felt happier than I had ever felt in thirteen years.
There goes my pain
There goes my chains
Did you see them falling
‘Cause this feeling
That has no meaning
There goes the world
Off of my shoulders
There goes the world
Off of my back
It’s not that I want to completely forget about Rick. He was an important chapter of my life, and that’s really an understatement. The fact remains that the chapter should have ended long ago.
‘Cause I don’t want it
I don’t want it
So, say what you want. Say it will never last. You don’t want it to work but I know it will, because love conquers all and it will conquer this, too.
You can’t change me
You can’t break me
Goodbye, Rick. I should have told you that long ago but I wasn’t ready. Now I am. Carey took hold of my hand and pulled me out when I was ready to drown. And when I look into his eyes and when I feel his lips on mine, I know this is where I’m meant to be. I found what I was looking for. I’m finally letting go.
There goes the world
Off of my shoulders
There goes the world
Off of my back
There it goes