Chrysalis
by JackPhillipsGirl

A/N: Chrysalis was going to be an episode in the second season of So Weird but was turned down by Disney. Due to the fact that it has intrigued me greatly, I decided to incorparate a couple of the ideas for that episode into this story. This story is NOT intended to replace the episode Chrysalis at all; ultimately, I just wanted to use the title.

Chapter One

Have you ever been so lonely that you get completely lost inside yourself? Your only wish is for the world to swallow you up then and there. There’s nothing more painful than remembering the happiest moments of your life, because it’s all gone now. You haven’t really been lonely, until you’ve lost it all.

I wish I hadn’t seen the true meaning of what it’s like to lose. I could have stopped it, you know. I could have stood up for myself. I could have showed who I really am and how I really feel. I try to appear so strong and brave to the outside world. I’m not a protector. I can’t even protect myself. I’m as weak as everyone else, maybe weaker, and I had to discover that the hard way.

And now it’s four years later and I can’t erase what happened. I waited too long. I never should have given in. I had a choice! I didn’t have to live this life! And that’s what makes it so hard to bear, that it was my decision. That I can put the blame on anyone and everyone but the fault still lies on me. I have never had so many regrets.

Do you know how many times I held that envelope outside the post office? Do you have any idea how many times I picked up that phone and dialed your number? And what about the times I drove past your house at night just in hopes that maybe I’d get a glimpse of your face through the window? Of course you don’t know, because I always drew my hand back. I always hung up the phone before it even rang; I always drove away before anyone would see me. You’re so close, and I’m so far. Forty minutes away, Molly, did you really think I’d go that far? Did you think that I would move thousands of miles away and never think of you again?

I know that this way, I’ve been torturing myself even more. It’s been four years. How much had changed in four years? Did she feel the same way about me as I did, and still do, about her? I could never know. The truth is I love her more than life itself. I’m just not capable of showing it. She’ll never find out about the way my own mother blackmailed me, and how it was so hard to back down, so I didn’t. But the fact remains that I could have, I’m just not Molly’s hero. God how I wanted to be, how I wanted to be her everything. That I needed her even more than she needed me, especially now.

But what can I do? So here I am, a mere forty minutes from Hope Springs, but I might as well be lost in another galaxy. Here I am, Carey Bell, the currently out-of-work guitarist because I just got fired from my eighth gig with another local band.

"What happened?" the most recent manager had asked me before passing along the pink slip I was now so familiar with.

"What do you mean what happened?" I had been so weary that night. I knew he was about to fire me because I found myself in this situation so often that it was hardly a surprise, and never a shock. They always said the same thing.

"I used to see you all the time with the Molly Phillips Band a few years ago. You practically had scouts chasing after you! But now—what went wrong?" I sighed and looked down at the floor the same way I always did after this mini-speech, trying to appear more or less ashamed. I had heard it too many times to give a genuine reaction anymore. But then came something new: "It’s like your talent just plain died."

His words still repeat in my mind, an awful reminder of what could have been. No, my talent hadn’t died—everything had. I didn’t play well anymore because I didn’t want to. It was pointless to be the lead guitarist in a band if the lead singer wasn’t Molly Phillips, because music isn’t my true love. She is. Without her, there’s no reason to play guitar. There’s no reason to be happy or to even try to look it. How could I be happy? Everything died that night four years ago, when I said goodbye to Molly forever.