Tagline: "He's big, he's bad, and he's babysitting. He doesn't stand a chance."
What The Tagline Should Be: "Hulk Hogan ... Buster Poindexter ... When 80's Pop Icons Collide!"
Synopsis:
For nearly two decades, I have been a Hulk Hogan mark. Yes, his acting is atrocious (isn't that the point of this site?) and his movies are ridiculous. Yes, his wresting was an embarrassment for most of his career and his superstardom is based solely on his stage presence. That being said, I just friggin' love Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan is walking B-movie. He is corny, overacted, over-choreographed, and not at all plausible. When I began seeing his DVD collection arrive at Wal-Mart, I simply could not resist. Now, if only I could find "Santa With Muscles" on DVD I would be happy.
Story Overview:
This is Paint-By-The-Numbers "Action Star In Children's Movie" fare. Two troublesome brats seem to run off every nanny the agency sends over, so their brooding neurotic scientist father essentially talks former pro-wrestler Sean Armstrong (Hogan never tries to overextend his acting skills) into protecting them after an initial hiring as bodyguard. The children resist, putting Sean through a whole slew of hellacious trials and tribulations (early-90's "Home Alone" style, of course) but Sean earns their respect through his straight tough talk and perseverance. Meanwhile, bad guys (lead by Buster Poindexter with a steel plate on his head) want to steal a microchip their father has created, so he kidnaps the children as an obvious ploy. Sean Armstrong to the rescue. The End.
The plot is transparent and futile. However, what adds to the charm and makes this an entertaining film is how incredibly bad it is. It is terrible. The dialogue is unspeakably hideous, heinous, and hilarious. The action is awful and makes the "Rock 'N Wrestling Connection" look like "Swan Lake" by comparison. It is also an exercise in clichés:
1.) Hogan begins the movie having flashbacks of his former rough-and-tumble life.
2.) Hogan is now enjoying a peaceful, lower middle-class lifestyle until talked back into "action."
3.) Hogan manages to get into a fist fight ten minutes into the film.
4.) Hogan is clumsy and awkward, and proves so by breaking stuff at regular intervals.
5.) Hogan repeatedly bellows "I hate kids!"
6.) Hogan doesn't really hate kids, but remains "tough" as an authority figure.
7.) Hogan eventually grows to love the children.
8.) Hogan is the butt of many "Lurch" and "Caveman" jokes.
9.) Hogan has a tiny, wisecracking sidekick (in this case, television's George Jefferson).
10.) Hogan is forced to do really unmanly things like kiss Dolly, wear a tutu, and attend a pretend tea party.
It certainly makes you think of movies like "Kindergarten Cop." Of course, the fish out of water element is an old trick and every time Hogan breaks a tea cup or model of important government missile prototype model it gets older. Hogan with rollers in his hair and pink leotards stretched painfully across his orange leathery torso is embarrassing to watch, much the way of domesticating Quasimodo or putting Tarzan in street clothes would be. It is entertaining, but for all the wrong reasons.
Regardless of all of my complaining and bickering, I love this film. I laughed. I rewinded. I laughed again. Have you ever heard a joke so mind-numbingly unfunny that you laughed at the simple absurdity of the comment? This is your movie.
Top Five Things To Look For:
Every Small Child Owns A Giant Tutu
Sherman Hemsley's Broad Stuntman
Hogan's Lap Dance
Hershey Kiss
"Zodiac" Ed Leslie
Line Of The Film:
Since this is full of material I am going to break with standard and give you five choices:
1.) "Out of the can, into the man!" --Sean's cooking advice to Burt. Reverse that and it gives a pretty good restroom euphemism, as well.
2.) "Then go ahead ... Quit! So what if people call you a panty-waisted, candy@$$ed wussy?" --the tender advice of loving housemaid, Mother Love. No wonder "Forgive Or Forget" didn't last two full seasons.
3.) "First you defy me ... then you mock my hair? You're dead!" --Thanatos promising revenge to Sean for not throwing the fight. David Johansen uttered these same words years earlier as he left the New York Dolls to unleash Buster Poindexter on an innocent world.
4.) "I just got a real low tolerance for gorillas in Rent-A-Cop suits." --Sean threatens some guards. Apparently the low tolerance does not extend to gorillas in spandex.
5.) "Darn! I jetéd when I should have plìed!" --Sean laments his ballet skills. This was also his excuse for his loss to the Rock at Wrestlemania X-8.
Objectionable Material:
Aside from comedic violence and mild language, there is nothing truly objectionable here. However, being a children's movie I question the decision to include any profanity at all.
Shriek Siren:
Madeline Zima
Again, I arise at a problem in attempting to choose a Shriek Siren. Aside from Mother Love (whom I will not discuss further) this movie is practically void of any viable female presence whatsoever ... with the sole exception of this little girl. She is a cute and talented little girl but she is very much a child; being a child violates the entire purpose of Shriek Sirendom. I solve this problem by relying on the "Natalie Portman Clause" and looking forward into this young starlet's career.
Shriek Siren:
Madeline Zima
The young Miss Zima does an excellent role as the female lead, exhibiting both tyranny and undeniable adorableness as the younger Mason child. Only a powerful young performer could do such an excellent job of sharing a scene with notorious upstager Hulk Hogan, and Madeline handles the task quite exceptionally. I am afraid I do not know much about her career since "Mr. Nanny," though I am informed her role on "The Nanny" television series was quite extensive (I never watched it). She has obviously turned into a beautiful young woman and the Bad Film Fan wishes her the best in the future. Hopefully for her, she won't be in any of the movies I see.
Moral Of The Story:
Do not ... I repeat: DO NOT disrespect a man's thick, beautiful, lustrous, manageable hair.
