Ask Pokey
<Old>

Hello all, Pokey speaking. In case you don't know, and you probably don't, I am Pokey the piggy. I am NOT dirty; in fact I am very clean. At least cleaner then those disgusting animals you call humans. But that is beside the point. I am Lord Abbysiadramon's good friend and confidant. He trusts me with everything, because of one simple thing.

I am the most intelligent creature to ever roam the earth.

Yes, it is true. My brain contains the knowledge that can only be attained by living for over ten thousand years. Oh, I didn't mention my age before, did I? Well, I'm well over ten thousand years old. There, now you know.

Alright, so here's the reason for this article. See, it gets boring, just sitting around all day with a brain the size of a planet, and not being able to use the meaty knowledge within. So I have decided to use my great powerful brain to answer the burning questions in your comparatively small minds.

So, send those questions to < changed, now askpokey<at>hotmail<dot>com > I'll answer 'em, don't you worry. Keep in mind I can tell you anything, anything at all. I KNOW ALL! I SEE ALL! I AM POKEY, THE OMNIPOTENT PIGGY! PH33R ME!


Well, the letters came pouring in! So, without further ado, the letters, and my response. The letters to me are in blue, where my repsonses are in this off white color we write everything in.




Dear Pokey,
Why does my daddy touch me in those special places. Does this mean he doesn't love mommy anymore?
- sincerely, Little Davey


Odd thing that your email address belongs to someone named "Alex" and not Davey. Ah, no matter.

Your father is obviously possessed by a demon. Kill him, and, just to make sure, ice your mom, too. In fact, kill yourself to be on the safe side.

NEXT!
 



why pokey... why?
~Jake


Ah, a philosopher, aren’t we? A philosopher with a grammar problem, great. Anyway, "Why pokey…Why?" has been a question that has plagued mankind for thousands of years. The truth is…

You are a moron.

NEXT!



why is a starfish, shaped like a star?
~Jake (AGAIN!)


Because it’s a friggin starfish, moron. It’s supposed to be shaped like a star, dumbass!

PS: Also, remember that you’re supposed to capitalize the beginning of a sentence. Maybe then I’ll take you seriously. Well, that is if you work on not being such a blithering moron.

NEXT!
 



Why are you called Pokey?
Digimaster


Quite simply, because the name Pokey suits me. No other name could describe the greatness that is me, Pokey, the ultimate being.

NEXT!
 



Wouldn't a brain the size of a planet crush you?
Digimaster (AGAIN)


No, for my greatness transcends the laws of time and space. All is Pokey, HAIL!

NEXT!
 



There are three spellings of the word (to/two/too), which spelling would
you use in this sentance?
Digimaster (YET AGAIN)


This is an easy one. "To." It’s the most commonly used version of the word in the English language, so it takes precedence over the other "two," pardon the pun.

Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, you probably want a joke or something. OK. What did the goat say to the perverted farmer?

"Please don’t have sex with me!" 

Oh, the hilarity!

NEXT!


What year is this?
~BlueRose03


It depends what calendar you use. The Gregorian calendar says that the year is 2003, whereas Ming, the alien leprechaun who lives under my bed says that his calendar says it is 1244. 

MIBU, the artificially intelligent stuffed bear, has a built in calendar/clock. He says it's 0003 AD. Of course, MIBU has a reputation as a terrible drunk of a stuffed bear, so he may be lying.

Lord Abbysiadramon says it's whenever the hell he wants it to be, and if you disagree with him, you are obviously of an inferior breed.

The Douglas Adams fan base use a special calendar that states that the year is 42.
 

If you ask me, the Pokeyian calendar is the best of 'em all. It states that the year is 465,434,127,599,328, 142.17 PY (Piggy years.) 

I hope that answered your question, whatever the hell it was. I sorta drifted off halfway through. I do have a short attention- Hey look, a spoon!

Sorry. NEXT!



(I recently received ten emails, all from the same person, named "RubberBandNerd." I decided to group these and their answers together, as I'm too lazy to separate them. Here they go!)

1. If I killed and ate you would I absorb all your knowledge and power?

This question is irrelevant, because I would simply kick your ass. This is because:

A.  You suck.
B.  I rule.

See how simple it is?

2. Do you even know who I am?

The question isn’t whether I know who you are, it’s if you know who you are. I know who you are (not many suspects,) But do you know who you aren’t? Or, in the words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt*, "Nazis suck ass. So does RubberBandNerd." 

See, the truth is that you are you, but you are not you. You are you but not you but you are you. I am Pokey, the most intelligent piggy in the universe. You are you, but you are not you.

You must be very embarrassed.

3. Who would win in a fight, Jesus or Super Man?

Jesus. This is because while Super Man has X-Ray vision and the power to fly, Jesus has the power to breathe fire, and is over forty stories tall. Oh wait, or is that Godzilla? I always get those two confused.

4. Are you getting tired of answering my questions yet?

Yes, but feel free to send six more.

5.  Why?

Because I know you will anyway.

6.  Why?

See my response to #5.

7.  Why?

Aren’t you the least bit tired of asking these stupid questions?

8. Arent you that evil rabid pig that rips people's throughts out?

If you continue with the horrible spelling, Socrates, sure.

9.  If you were a beverage what kind would you be?

What an asinine question. I would be a bottle of arsenic, so that I could still kill you. This is assuming that you’re the sort of person who would think that drinking arsenic would be a good idea. I think that’s a fair assumption, judging by what you’ve shown in your correspondence so far.

10.  Why are you such a dumbass?

We can’t all be brilliant like… Oh wait, I forgot who I was for a moment. A bit of role reversal there, buddy?

Yeah, that’s nice, but no. I don’t think so.

I think that last one counted as IHC’s first hate mail! Good for us, we have a moron who hates us.

RubberBandNerd is obviously a very intelligent individual that should go to hell and die.

NEXT!

*Maybe.



Oh mighty Pokey, whose omnipotence and incomprehensible greatness encompasses the full length and breadth of the universe, I have come with utmost humility to ask a question that has plagued my tiny mind ever since the feeble processes of my thought conceived it several weeks ago. My query for your Pokeyship is thus -

Why is New Zealand called New Zealand? I mean, it's new in comparison with what? Old Zealand?

Thank you for your precious time in sharing your incomprehensible store of knowledge with lowly mortals such as I. *bows*

~ LadyApocalymon 



I actually like this "LadyApocalymon!" Someone who knows how to speak to the obviously superior. She also can SPELL! How wonderful can life get?

Oh! Sorry. In answering your question, yes, there was an "Old Zealand," though it wasn’t spelled that way. It was actually spelled "Z-Land" and it was located somewhere in the Axi-Fibulous Prime star cluster. It was a majestic, peaceful planet with technology far beyond your own.

Then war broke out between the Z-Landers and an invading force known only as the Scourge. They nearly annihilated the entire species, and would have, too, if they hadn’t mastered faster-then-light-speed travel. A single ship, known only as Z-Arc, narrowly escaped the explosion of their planet, with the last of their species onboard. 

They eventually found a planet suitable for life, and were about to land when a strange, unidentified object tore a huge hole in it’s hull. The propulsion system was severely damaged, and the enormous ship crashed into the Pacific ocean.  This caused an enormous series of natural disasters, that, among other things, killed off a species of beaver-like creatures that smelled like fresh donuts (don’t ask.)

I, being the ancient brilliant Piggy that I am, decided to visit the downed ship. When I got there, I soon realized that it was quite large, but only portions of the wreckage stayed above sea level. Descending into the belly of the ship through an upturned air-lock, I quickly found out that most of the life forms aboard the ship had been killed off. At this point, I took it into my heart to intervene. 

After a lot of genetic experimentation, I had created a new species, which I named the marmoset, and released into the wild. They thrived, and now are a very popular mammal.

Eventually, the wreck became covered with life, and became habitable for humans, who promptly claimed it their own.

So, to answer your question, New Zealand is "new" in comparison to the Z-Lander’s home planet, Z-Land. 

NEXT!


Three more very intelligent questions from RubberBandNerd.

1.  Wassup, dude?

Nothing much, dude. I'm hanging like a monkey from a tree, yo.

You dick. I hate you.

2. Why are you obsessed with correct spelling?

Because of retards like you, destroying the English langauge with your MoronSpeak. ‘Nuff said.

3. What is the answer to this question?

Yes.

NEXT!


Why would you bother giving advice to all these simple-minded fools? I'm sure someone with your superior intellect wouldn't want to be bother by others.

RichelletheDarknessQueen


Well, you see, ALL mortals are fools compared to my vast mental prowess. Everyone, from the obviously mentally handicapped (RubberBandNerd) to the most brilliant Physicists/Rappers (Stephen Hawking,) are totally insignificant in comparison to the power that resides within my cranium..

To simplify, all other creatures besides myself are morons. And now, for the question of why I would want to deal with any mortal. The answer is simple; I am bored out of my mind. Knowing everything is boring if you don’t get the chance to regularly show your knowledge off.

Also note that you have just joined the ranks of those "simple-minded fools." Just something to reflect on. 

Ciao, respectful human.

NEXT!


RubberBandNerd and several other humans sent me email 
 asking me the answers to quizzes that they made on some unimportant site. I aced them, of course, and had them eating their words of accusation.

My message to any humans who question my genius: Eat me.

NEXT!


Recentlt Abbysiadramon has instructed us to bow to you, but I refuse to.
My question is

What are you going to do about it?
PHYCO


I already have done it. You will realize what I mean, very soon.

NEXT!


If huge toads ruled the earth, would humans be flung
into great underground mazes to rot?
Lark Dangerfield

No. Humans will- Gah, I mean would, I mean this isn’t going to happen or anything… Anyways, the toads wouldn’t bother with the mazes, they’d just hollow out a small underground cave, and throw you worthless creatures in the pit. 

Don’t worry, I’ll take a few of you with me as pets when the toad invasion begins. 

NEXT!


Hey Pokey, if you care so much about correct grammer and spelling and
stuff, why have you not told Abbysiadramon to correct the spelling on the
link to killfrog?

RubberBandNerd


This doesn’t even deserve answering. Abbysiadramon could kick even my ass, and I’m not his keeper, anyway.

We’re keeping the link misspelled, just to spite you.

NEXT!


How can you be the superior mind when Abbysiadramon is suppose to be?

Lisa-Chan... ^__- .

P. S. I personally know Richelle, and when she said, "Simple minded fool,"
she was referring to humans. So, she's not in their ranks, cause she's a
darkness demon. Hence, "RichelletheDarknessQueen."


OK, first of all, your question makes no sense. Luckily, I have an idiot crypto-wheel, and I can decipher what you’re trying to say. I think you’re trying to ask why I have a superior mind when Lord Abbysiadramon is supposed to be superior.

We both are superior to your and your ilk. Superior means, basically, better. Therefore, both of us have better minds then you, your friends and your stupid family.  Including the HUMAN, RichelletheDarknessQueen, whom pretends to be a demon online, so that she can avoid revealing her true self.

NEXT!


Oh great wonderful lord Pokey!
What do you and your concubine do when your alone?

If you know what a concubine is, then you know the answer to that question already.

NEXT!


Greetings, Pokey. I have a question for you (wow, but you never guessed that
one):

How can I ressurect Jesus in the form of a small newt who sits on my
shoulder and that only I can see, and says sarcastic and highly humorous
comments about people who annoy me? Further, if I cannot, can you? If not,
why?

thanks,
(Annoying ASCII picture)


A boy in the Netherlands has already succeded, and as such, Jesus cannot be ressurected again, until the Newt (named billy) dies.

I can do it, only because I am the smartest being alive.

NEXT!


Thanks for answering. Just one thing; I'm a darkness demon, not a human.

~RichelletheDarknessQueen~


This is more then a little sad. You're a human, get over it.  You can't all be a superior breed, like I am.



Remember, send those letters to <changed to askpokey<at>hotmail<dot>com> I'll answer all those burning questions of yours, and stuff.
 

Back to Archive



"INSANE HAMSTER CULT" and all other related materials, Images, documents, and such are copyright © 2003 By Mr. Moo Productions. All rights reserved, restrictions apply, except in New Jersey and France, as well as in certain parts of Finland. No, wait, I THINK they apply there. Yup, they do. If you steal ONE THING off this site, I will send two large Canadians to track you down and kill you. I am totally serious. mess with me, and feel the wrath of MR. MOO! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! You're not reading this, are you? If you are, get a hobby, you freak!