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November 2003
New version of Ask Pokey finally done! Of course it is, after all, we had two all-powerful beings working on it. Special thanks goes to Lord Abbysiadramon for designing the new page, as (as far as I could tell) It seemed to take a lot of work.

Anyway, send those questions to askpokey@hotmail.com.

Newest questions on top, older ones on the bottom.


November Questions



To my dear, beloved pokey
Why do not birds get electrocuted when they fly onto power lines? Do they have magic shoues, and if so, where do they buy them and do they sell them in Australia?
Love and kissies and hugs to sir oinkalot,
Nic-Nic

The real reason why birds are able to land on power lines is simple: Birds do not conduct electricity. Unlike all other animal species, birds have evolved to the point where their feathers act as a very good insulator. Fun Fact: The insulation on most common everyday power cords is made out of penguin feathers.

Sure, if you ask someone with a "scientific" background, they’ll tell you that the reason is that the birds do not create a circuit, so the electricity cannot travel through the bird, but that’s 100% bullshit. Remember: I’m right about everything.



What maker better pets, cats or dogs?
~RBN

Dogs.

Why?

Because they realize that they are inferior. This is also why humans make bad pets. They have some delusion that they are superior.

Monkeys kick ass, don't they?

Not really.

Do you like cheese?

Yes.

Does cheese like you?

Yes.

Will you play intergalactic Monopoly with me?

No.

Who is the most evil being in the universe?

Bob.

Where were you born?

I was never born. I have always been and forever shall be.

Why haven't you erased me from timeline yet?  I know you want to.

You amuse me.

What do you do when you aren't answering peoples questions?

Annihilating galaxies. Some people play video games, some people collect stamps, but I destroy galaxies.

Are you a cannibal?

I don’t see any other universal time-piggies around here, do you? Infer what you will from that statement.

How many days are left until the end of time?

As many as I want. Maybe it’ll be tomorrow. Depends on how I’m feeling.

I like cheese!

Good for you.



As usual, i have my stupid, but superior to the average human title, and my equally stupid series of questions.

1. Are you sure?
~Donna Fan

Yes.

2.Do you agree that Sarah is a hoebag and a fuck faced whore? 

Not really. I don’t know her well enough to form any strong opinions about her.

3.Sarah is a hoebag <===not a question. just a statement

I’m getting a sort of negative vibe from you about this "Sarah." Am I right in guessing that you don't like her?

4.Why, are you, Pokey the superior being, even bothering to read the lesser questions, as my lowly questions are already much lower than your standard should be?

I’m very bored, and it’s fun to make fun of you stupid little freaks. Simple as that.

5.Are we all, in fact, bald genetically challenged monkeys with mini-brains?

Sorta, though the way you state it is awfully awkward, don’t you think?

6.Do you find, that most questions are completly pointless?

Sometimes. But it’s more fun then intergalactic Monopoly with Meezlethorp the giant space monkey. He sucks at intergalactic Monopoly.

7.Will you visit my (and Jenn's) site, the URL is www.freewebs.com/greeble ^_^ please do. if you are really as bored as you say you are, you'll enjoy it, once it's done.

I hate you and your site. I realize that you just mentioned it so that you could take advantage of the enormous amount of traffic that IHC and Ask Pokey receives daily, and I’ll warn anyone planning to do this, I’ll never print anyone’s URL again. Even if Maddox himself sent an email to me I wouldn’t put up a LINK to his SITE.



My most superior being, I'm sorry for bugging you again. I need some advice. What would you do if someone started to copy you, what you wear, and what you say, because they thought that it was cool? The same moron that keeps doing that to me also keeps threatening me online, and not doing anything in real life. It is very, truly pathetic. Sorry, Pokey, the superior being, once again. Bye.

~Barb

What would I do? Well, considering the fact that I can control the very fabric of the universe, I’d probably just erase them from existence.

But you, being a measly human, will have to take a different route. The truth is, they probably want to hurt you, but they fear how it would look if they just randomly attacked you. If you start something with them (as in a fight) They’d most likely kick your ass. That is, unless they’re smaller then you, in which case, stop being such a pussy cry-baby and crush them, already.

Glad I could help, you LTT.



Are people who admit to buying the socks that you wanted to piss you off morons? 
 

Thank you. 
~Barb

Yes, they are, but so is anyone who gets upset over socks.



Dear our great lord
how are you i cannot express my feelings for world domination but i
think that you should be the world leader by
~Abam

I want to kill you.


Why does Abam claim to be your son?  If someone who wasn't my son claimed to be I'd tear out his throat.
~Dr. Norman Fidius Sane

If I killed every moronic human who said something stupid and wrong to me, there would be about three of them left. And you aren't one of them, Dr. Bald.


bWwwwaAwWwkK?
 
 

Why the hell am i e-mailing a stuffed pig? What is wrong with me OTHER than being ugly and bitchy...HELP ME LITTLE STUFFED PIG!!! ~he he he im talkin to a piggy~
 

You got me thinking; what’s wrong with ME? I’m actually answering the questions of you little worms! As if you bald monkeys could ever understand the genius that is me!

Anyway, what’s wrong with you is that you’ve got a very common affliction called retardation. End of story.



Why do you rule?

Signed, another insolent person you will kill...
     - George

It’s just the way things are, the way things have always been, and the way they shall always be. Don’t mind yourself with petty questions of "why" and "how." Just realize that I am the greatest being to ever live and leave it at that.



Dear Pokey,
Hi its me again I was just wonderin if anyone has ever tried to kill
you and if they have who
                                     Your
       son,

   a genius,

               Abam

Xingor Miiiitttieengleplx tried to kill me last year. Never heard of him? That’s because I erased him from existence. So shall be the fate of anyone else who dares to dream of harming me.

And stop calling yourself my son. Retard.



Y iz their so mnay pokemon and so much less of Ninja Turtles
 

-Darryl is the collese Kowalski II

P.S. Dude your the cooolest man.

Holy Shit. I can’t even begin to explain how very… wrong what you just said was. Did you suffer some sort of head injury right before firing off this incompetent e-mail?

To answer your horribly written question, there are only 4 Ninja Turtles, and there are 351 Pokemon. The reason for this is simple. Pokemon have both male and female genders represented in their leagues, whereas Ninja Turtles have only males. Try as they might (and trust me, they tried. They tried a lot.) the Ninja Turtles cannot reproduce. Thus, the evil little sugar-coated monsters continue to multiply, while the Ninja Turtles just stay the same in their numbers.



Dear Pokey,
How are you dear lord pokey, I am fine How long till I get an "A" in
math,or English. I have never gotten an "A" in math my whole life. About the whole world domination thing I think that I should leave it to you and just go about dominating my neiborhood. I will leave the world to
you.

                Your son,

                         A genius,

                                 Abam

If you multiply like you write, you aren't getting an "A" in either class any time soon. 

Also, I seriously doubt I'm your father. I don't remember having ever slept with any retarded whores.

I hate you.


how do i come about world domination? i have been trying ever since i have been a baby. How does it happen.

Sinceraly, Your leader(Abam)

Step one is to learn how to write, you stupid asshole. Secondly, You need to take all the world leaders out for a drink at your local bar. "Next round’s on me!" You scream. You continue doing so for several hours until all the leaders of the world are drunk off their asses, and then you manipulate them verbally, getting them to do ridiculous things. Wearing a dress, kissing a goat, anything that could be considered a homoerotic occurrence is gold. Remember to take plenty of pictures of them doing said acts.

Then blackmail them all into giving you control over their countries. And just like that, you own Earth. Just remember your place in the grand scheme of things.

I rule you.



Why do most people call me Dr. Bald even though I have a full head of hair?
~Dr. Norman Fidius Sane

You’re kidding yourself. Three strands is not "a full head of hair."

Who invented the deadly art of Pirate-Ninjitsu?

The ancient art of Pirate-Ninjitsu was invented 2 years before the birth of Christ in Polshvnkstania, a small country located somewhere in modern France. The day after Jesus was born, after all the wise men had left not a little bit drunk, the Pirate-Ninja showed up and gave a gift of their own to him, a big old metal sculpture of a piece of corn. Pirate-Ninja are weird that way.

UPDATE: It's been pointed out by this jackass that this does not answer his question. The truth is, I created it, at least in a way. I used humans as intermediaries to bring into being this wonderful martial art. I thought that it was pretty obvious that I would have at least something to do with such a perfect invention. Apparently I overestimated you all. Too bad.

Are you, perhaps, a bit crazy?

Of course I’m not crazy. Everyone else is crazy, I’m the only sane one. You crazy bald freak.

Why do all the robots I build taste like squirrels?

A bigger question is, how do you know what squirrels taste like? You sick, sick bald man.

What is your favorite paradox?

You’re bald if you do, bald if you don’t. Oh wait, that’s not a paradox. It’s true, though. Baldy.



Oh Lord Pokey! please forgive my intrusion on your oh so great and powerful mind. I am the pitiful leader of an army of elves, battling against the scourge humans, dwarves and orcs. My army grows stronger and larger each day, but alas, we are still weak.
Tell me oh my great and mighty lord, how may I grow stronger? What is the secret to divine victory and power?
 
You pitiful slave- Maru

The secret to divine victory and power is very simple. Teach your elves the ancient secrets of Pirate-Ninjitsu, or the art being both a pirate and a ninja at the same time. Elvin/Pirate/Ninja should be quite superior to anything in a world like the one you described. Of course, if the humans manage to make robots and teach THEM Pirate-Ninjitsu, then it's a whole other story.


What is your reason for (sort of) leaving the IHC?
~Dr. Norman Fidius Sane

 None of your damn business, that's what. No, actually, it's a long story, involving a badger, a weedwhacker, a jar of mayonnaise and a cat named whiskers. Same reason the Beatles decided to leave IHC.
 



"Ask Pokey" and all related personalities, characters, code, questions, monkeys, concepts, fish, jokes, planets and evil piggies are all copyright (c) Andy Schwem and Mr. Moo productions. Steal our shit and die, punks. And that isn't like an idle threat or anything, either. I will literelly track you down and kill you. Maybe tommorow, maybe the next day. Maybe twenty years from now, but one day when you don't expect it you'll come home from a long day working at Burger Palace and you'll walk to the bathroom in the dark, not bothering to turn on the lights. Then you'll look in the dirty mirror over your sink and in the reflection, standing behind you, will be me, holding a large butcher knife. You'll have just enough time to gasp in horror before I plunge th knife into your back, silencing your theiving self forever. That'll teach ya.