I have painstakingly ferreted out the meanings behind some cloudy stanzas of everyone's' favorite story tale.
The Rose of Tears marks each translation.
"For a bishop must be blameless, as the steward of God; not self-willed, not soon angry, not given to wine, no stroker, not given to filthy lucre;" Titus 2:7
OK in plain English this means : those pointy little chess pieces that move in a diagonal line can't be blamed when you leave them out and you step on them. Your fault you dumb-ass. They also cook God in a big pot. They get to stir him a lot, that is why they are pointy. They are wussie little do gooders who have to buy lots of wine, you can't give it to them. "Stroker" is a word the means "likes girls". They have to like little boys.
Bishops have to wash the filthy lucre first. Then it is ok.
"And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, the mighty men, and every bondsman and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains; And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb." Rev.6:15-16
This one was difficult! But my work is Holy! Notice their are no women mentioned? This is for a reason, all these men had been involved in some sort of wilderness male bonding trip ( the kind were they sit around in loincloths and grunt). This was all good until someone decided that he was a wild sheep, and others decided they were yaks and other mountain critters. While thinking that they were wild animals, someone got diarrhea from eating bad meat, and couldn't leave the bathroom. The guys acting like rams sort of ..... got carried away with themselves. They are hiding from some ewes with really ugly lambs.
"But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in Heaven shall be shaken. And then they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory." St. Mark 13:23-26
Some one should leave the drugs alone! Bad druggie! But seriously folks,
there was an eclipse after some tribbles fell from the sky. Heaven forgot to pay its electric bill and the power company threatened to pull the plug on them if they didn't show some green. There is this really hung guy choking his bishop in the sky. Why? Well, why not? In fairy tales anything goes, after all!
"But woe to them that are with child, and them that give suck in those days! And pray ye that your flight be not in the winter." St. Mark 13:17-19
This appears to be a warning about child porn and giving head. If you do these things you shall receive "woe". "Woe" is a kind of dessert made of chocolate ice cream, cherries, whipped cream topped with used condoms. Finally, flying in the winter sucks! Your flight is always late and the fucking baggage dude always drops your suitcase in the big puddle of oil.
"For ye are not come unto the mount that might be touched, and that burned with fire, nor unto blackness, and darkness, and tempest." Hebrews 13:18
If you have not yet touched the mount (read yourself), you will go blind one night and always think you are a storm cloud. Sad but true I tell ya!
This is supposed to be an actual image of The Jesus-Dude Himself. It is said it is from somewhere in Mexico. Yeah, I believe this totally. Don't you?????
"For they have devoured Jacob, and laid waste his dwelling place." Psalms 79:7
Well this one is a doozy. Jacob threw a party for his Frat, and it sort of got carried away. (You know how those Frat boys can get!) They smoked up and got the munches, and Jacob's frig and shelves were soon bare. His friends had a bit too much to drink as well..... they trashed his house. He was picking up glass from his great-grandmother's prized vase for weeks.
"And he, casting away his garment, rose, and came to Jesus." St. Mark 10:50
Jesus's first homosexual encounter. Jesus didn't have to do much his first time, he was just shown anther truth. (Yes Jesus was BI. Why were you surprised? After all, brotherly love?! A fat freaking HINT!! Don't be a dimwit! )
