The Book the Government doesn’t want you to Read:

How to Protect Yourself from Andyitis

 

Introduction

 

          As everybody knows there are some diseases worst than others, but not everybody knows which ones are the worst.  Even more people don’t know about the worst of them all, Andyitis.

          You may not have heard about this horror, as most people haven’t, but don’t let that fool you.  The only reason you probably haven’t heard of it is because the government is trying to cover it up.  Some things are just to bad to be out in public.

          Some of the symptoms of Andyitis may be extreme stupidity, loss of friends, iron stomach, and overactive mouth.  If a person is diagnosed with Andyitis than it is not too late to save them before it gets worse.  Once it has kicked in however, there is no stopping it.

          To protect yourself from this terrible disease you must first be able to identify it before you have gotten it.  Though the government strictly prohibits this, this book contains stories of one of the worst cases of Andyitis known to man.  By reading this book you will soon know the difference between sheer stupidity and the effects of Andyitis, (which isn’t much).

 

Chapter 1

 

          “Grrrrr!  Grrrr!”  Andy cried as he ran out of the school.  “Ok everybody!  Clear the way!  I have to do my somersaulting!”  He dove off of the top of the hill and started a continuous roll.

          “I feel a little woozy!”  He yelled as he reached the bottom.  “I want to do it again!”  Sean, Zach, and Mike just stared at him.

          “Let’s play tag!”  Mike yelled out to his two friends.  “Zach!  Your it!”  He and Sean ran off.  Zach pondered on his next move.

          “Roar!  I’m gonna get you!”  Andy yelled as he raced down the hill.  He tripped over his feet and rolled the rest of the way on his back.

          “Guess what Andy!  You’re it!”  Zach yelled as he tagged him and ran away, not giving him any time to get up.

          Andy chased Zach down to the bridge but Zach quickly got out of his sight.  Zach peered around and saw Andy crawl underneath the bridge.  Sean and Zach went to the other side to look, but he never came out.  They started to walk across the bridge wondering how he could have gotten lost going from one side of the bridge to the other.

          “Grrrrrr!   Grrrrrr!  I am the evil troll!  I am going to eat you up!”  A voice from under the bridge yelled. 

          “Oh no!  We’re just poor, defenseless Billy Goat Gruffs!  Whatever shall we do, they whined as they crossed the bridge.  They picked up some rocks and started throwing them at Andy.

          “Ow!  Stop that!  I’m telling,” Andy yelled as he jumped out of under the bridge and started to run up the hill.

          Sean and Zach followed him up, wondering what would happen next.  They watched as he approached the teacher and just stopped, than started walking back towards them.

          “What was I going to do again?” he yelled to them as he approached.  “I forgot what I was going to say!  Oh well, I guess I’ll just go inside.”

          They all knew that though they were aloud to play outside on Fridays during homeroom, once they were out they weren’t aloud back in.  Everybody stared as Andy actually walked into the building.  A few moments later a tall lady opened the door and tossed him out by the scruff of his neck.  Everybody demanded to know what had happened to him.

          “Grrrr!” he cried as he ran off somewhere else.  Disappointed, they walked back down to the bridge but a few moments later he joined them.

          “Come on guys!  It’s time to go back in!” Andy yelled as he plopped in the shade under a tree.

          Sean and Zach at first didn’t believe him, but they ran back to the door as they saw everybody else entering the school.  They raced to the top of the stairs and ran to their homeroom’s window, peering out for any sign of Andy.

          At first there was nothing, but a few moments later they saw him slowly reaching the top of the hill.  They were hoping that he wouldn’t reach the school in time and, because the teacher would have already come in, the door would be locked.  He suddenly fell and rolled to the bottom of the hill.  Finally, after repeating his mistake four times, he made it safely to the top to see the door closing and the teacher walking in.  He dashed as fast as he possibly could to reach the door and started to bang on it madly.

          “Please!  Please!  Please let me in!  I don’t want to live out here and turn in to a rat!  Please don’t leave me out here!”

          Sean and Zach hoped that the teacher wouldn’t hear him, but unfortunately they saw the door open and Andy run inside.  After waiting for what seemed like a long time, Andy finally entered the room.  His face was red and there was grass in his hair, and he smelled terrible.  He took two steps and collapsed into a heap on the floor.

 

Chapter 2

 

          “I got an A in math!” Andy yelled at the lunch table.  Everybody started to crack up.  “I did!” he yelled some more but to no extent.

          “Yeah, Andy got an A in math, and I got scurvy over the weekend!” a kid named Brian yelled out.

          “What’s scurvy?” Andy asked with a bewildered look on his face as he began to chew on his binder.

          “Scurvy is a, um, foot disease!” Zach quickly told him.  He knew that it really was a disease pirates got when they didn’t get enough Vitamin C, but he couldn’t resist lying to Andy.  In fact, his reading class was having a scurvy day that Friday.  Everybody had to bring in something to eat that contained Vitamin C while they watched the Treasure Island movie.

          “You see, Andy,” Zach continued.  “Our reading class is having a scurvy day on Friday.  We will go off campus in the woods and have a paintball gun fight to commemorate the people who got scurvy.”

          “Yeah Andy!” said Sean.  “We can invite you if you would like!”

          “Yeah Andy!  Do you want to be a pirate or a privateer?” asked Zach, stifling the laughs that were about to explode from inside him.

          “I want to be a pirate!  Arrrrrrr!  Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!  I can’t wait to go to scurvy day,” Andy yelled out.  Soon he got up on top of the table and started to sing.

          “Scurvy day!  Scurvy day!  I’m going to scurvy day!  Scurvy scurvy scurvy day!”

          The lunch supervisor soon walked over to see what the commotion was.  The only response she could get was ‘scurvy day,’ and knowing Andy, she left it at that.

          After finally calming down and sitting back in his seat he asked Zach, “So, when is scurvy day?”

          “During 8^th and 9^th period,” Zach replied.  “On this Friday too.”

          “Yes!  I’ll be missing science!  Today I’ll tell my teacher that I’ll have to go to scurvy day on Friday and that I’ll be missing class.  Do we need a pass?”

          “Of course not Andy,” Zach answered.  “We’ll take care of everything for you.  I’ll see you there!”

 

          Next Friday Zach, Sean, and Brian walked up the stairs wondering if Andy would really show up.

          “No way did Andy actually believe us!  Nobody could be stupid enough to actually think we would be aloud to have a paintball gun fight without our parents permission,” said Zach.

          “Well, Andy is pretty stupid.  You can’t tell what’s going to happen with him,” said Sean.

          “Oh my gosh!  There he is!  He actually came to scurvy day,” yelled Brian when they got to the room.  “Hi Andy!  You ready for scurvy day?”

          “Well, I don’t know.  I don’t think I would really fit in with this class.”

          “Come on Andy, it will be fun!  Think of how fun it will be to be a pirate!”

          “What is he thinking!” Zach thought to himself.  Andy would get them in huge trouble when he told the reading teacher what he had heard from them.  Quickly making up something he said, “Uh, sorry Andy!  It won’t be until 9^th period.  We have to get all of our stuff ready.  We can’t go paintball fighting without protection.  Come back during 9^th period.”  Zach ran into the classroom and hoped Andy would leave.

         

          By 9^th period Zach had completely forgotten about Andy.  Since he had reading/language arts two periods in a row he didn’t have to leave the room and since they were watching a movie they didn’t hear the bell.  That’s why nobody realized that Andy was standing on the other side of the door, dreaming about scurvy day.  Finally someone spotted him.

          “Andy’s waiting at the door!  What would he be here for?” she yelled out loud.  Everybody turned and saw Andy. 

          “He’s late for class,” the teacher said.  “I wonder if he wants something.”  It was after all already half way into 9^th period and he was way late.  The teacher opened the door and he came running in.

          “Scurvy day!  Scurvy day!  I’m here for scurvy day!” he yelled as loud as he could.

          “Andy what are you doing here!” yelled Brian.

          “Scurvy day!”

          “Andy, you’re not aloud to be here,” yelled Luc.

          “But I’m invited to scurvy day.”

          “What are you talking about Andy?  Scurvy day is for our class only!” Zach finally said.

          “Yeah, you shouldn’t come barging in here and distracting our class.  I think I’ll have to give you a detention for that,” said the teacher.  Andy bolted out of the room.

          She started to chase him with a detention slip in one hand and a pen in the other, but Andy was too fast and quickly got out of her sight.  She came back and put her things down, forgetting the matter and turning the movie back on.  Andyitis, after all, is contagious.

 

Chapter 3

 

          “Time to meet George the Turtle!” Andy yelled out, showing off a sticker of a turtle on his binder.  There was a big arrow pointing to him and under it there were the words George the Turtle.

          As Andy went to get lunch a weird kid named Richard came up.  Richard was a creepy kid and his motto was ‘Potatoes are Itchy,’ (though when he tried to write it down he misspelled potatoes and started to cry).  Richard took a glance at George the Turtle and started sobbing.

          “That turtle is staring at me!” yelled Richard.  He ripped it off the binder and ran to his lunch table.  There he took out a lighter he had brought to school and tried to burn George.  Just before he could light George on fire a boy named Marty grabbed him out of his hands and saved him in the nick of time.  Andy soon came back to the table but it was time to go so he didn’t notice that George was missing.

It was time for Sean and Zach to go to math.  They took their seats and got out their notes.  That day the subject was proportions.  They were looking at a list of Andy’s friends and noticed that his best friend was a substitute teacher.

          “Proportions are everybody’s friends,” their math teacher was saying, and they both wondered whether proportions were also Andy’s friends.

 

          The next day they asked Andy if proportions were his friends.  He started dancing and singing and yelling, “Proportions are everybody’s friends!”  The lunch supervisor didn’t even bother to ask this time.

          After he calmed down he started to write the quote on his binder.

          “Where’s George the Turtle?” asked Brian, knowing that Andy hadn’t seen how Marty got it.

          All Andy said was, “George ran away,” and continued to write.  Zach wondered if Andy knew that George was only a sticker.

          “Hey Andy,” Marty said, overhearing the conversation.  “I’ll give you George the Turtle if you answer four questions.  The first question is ‘will you ever make it out of middle school’?”
          “Yes, yes!  I will!  I will make it out of middle school!” Andy quickly yelled.

          “Good.  Only three more to go until you will get back George the Turtle.”

          “So what’s the next question?”

          “You have to guess it.  What, did you think I was going to tell you all of them?”

          “But there are millions of questions!  How can I possibly guess the right one?  I’ll just take back George and forget your stupid questions.”

          “Than I’ll eat your dog fluffy!  Hey, that’s a question!  Answer that question!”

          “But that’s not a question, it’s a statement!”

          “Answer it!”

          “Ok, Ok.  Yes.  No wait, no.  Oh, I don’t know!  I don’t even have a dog named Fluffy!”

          Andy started to sob and swear and make a big deal.  In his misery he grabbed Sean’s box of Pringles and threw it at the lunch supervisor.  It hit her right in the head and bounced back.  She walked right over to Andy, knowing it must have been him.

          “Andy!  Why did you throw this at me!  I’m supposed to give you a detention for throwing food.”

          “No!  Please no!  I’ll do anything!”  He dropped to the floor and started to scream.

          “Awww, you pour soul, you wouldn’t be able to handle a detention.  I guess I’ll just forgive you this time.”  She walked away without even making him apologize.

          He stuck his head back up with a grin on his face.  Apparently Andyitis does have its advantages.

 

Chapter 4

 

          Zach’s math class had a tradition where when it was your birthday you would bring treats to math class, so, on March 14, he brought candy.

          “What’s the candy for?” asked Andy as they walked down to their lunch table.

          “For math class.  Today is my birthday,” Zach quickly answered without thinking of the damage this could cause.

          “Today’s your birthday!  I’m coming over today for a party!” he yelled out.

          “Andy, I’m not having a party.”

          “Will there be cake?”

          “No, Andy, there won’t be cake, because I’m not having a party.”

          “No cake!  What!  Why not any cake?”

          “Well, my mom did make muffins.”

          “Muffins aren’t enough!  You need cake!  You should go to Dairy Queen and get a Treatza Pizza!”

          “Andy, for the last time, I’M NOT HAVING A PARTY!”

          “I’ll see you at four!” Andy finished as he ran off to spread the news that he was coming to Zach’s house at four.

 

          “And then he told me I should have cake!” Zach finished as he told his mother about what Andy had said.  None of them expected Andy would actually show up, nobody could be that stupid they thought.

          Suddenly the doorbell started to ring madly non-stop.  Zach went to the door to see Andy holding a card in one hand and a fish in the other, (don’t ask why), and wearing a dunce cap.

          “Happy birthday!”  Andy exploded as Zach regretfully opened the door.

          “Andy!  Go back home!  There is no party!  You need to leave!”

          “Well, um, you see, I would, but a, there are these kids throwing rocks at me and I can’t get passed.”

          Zach, knowing that he lived on a cul-de-sac and Andy’s knack to make people mad, actually believed this story.

          “And why would they be throwing rocks at you?” asked Zach, knowing he must have offended them somehow.

          “I didn’t do anything!  They’re just mean.  Somehow when I was walking by I accidentally knocked their bikes over and I accidentally started stepping on them.  But it wasn’t my fault!  I didn’t do it!  Besides, if I did do it than it would have been an accident!”

          Zach completely doubted that Andy hadn’t intentionally tried to destroy those kids’ bikes, but he still decided to escort Andy home, at least to get rid of him.

          As they pulled out of the driveway Andy looked out at the kids from the backseat.  He stuck his tongue out and mocked them from where he knew that no rocks would be able to reach him.

 

Chapter 5

 

          Because it was almost the end of the year everybody at Zach’s lunch table by now knew that he was a vegetarian and didn’t want to be anywhere near meat.  He thought this would be good for them to know so they didn’t do anything he wouldn’t like, but he didn’t anticipate Andy finding out.

          One day as they were sitting at their lunch table Andy came back with a tray of chicken nuggets and a plastic cup with J-ello.  As they sat eating their lunch Andy did something very dangerous, he had an idea.  His idea was it would be funny to see Zach touch a big chicken nugget.

          “Oops, it slipped”, he said as he reached back and chucked the chicken nugget at Zach’s chest as hard as he could.  The first thing Zach thought of doing was beating the living daylights out of him, but than he thought of something more vengeful.

          He grabbed Andy’s plate and tipped it over so the remaining chicken nuggets went skittering to the floor.  Than he grabbed the J-ello container and flipped off the lid.

          “Oops, it slipped,” Zach mocked as he thrust the J-ello into Andy’s face.  Most of it slid off but Andy licked all that was still on him.  Then he picked up all of the chicken nuggets and started eating them again.

          “What’s all this mess?” the lunch supervisor asked, seeing the J-ello on the floor. 

          Zach explained what had happened and what Andy had done to him.  She turned to Andy, “Why did you throw the chicken nugget at Zach?  Did those chicken nuggets fall on the floor?  And you’re eating them?”

          “Ye- Noooo,” Andy said as he pulled the chicken nugget he was chewing out of his mouth and hid it behind his back.

          “Go buy yourself a new lunch,” she said as she walked away.

 

Chapter 6

 

          “Look at my pictures!  I just got back from Mexico!  See, there’s a lion, there’s a tiger, there’s a bear, and there’s me trying to steal a jaguar’s babies!” Andy said as he showed off a little picture book.

          “Why did you want a jaguar’s babies,” asked Brian.  “How did you think you could raise them?  And more importantly, did you get them?”

          “No,” Andy sadly said.  “I was close but then the mommy woke up and growled at me so I ran away.  I did get a duck’s egg though when we got back home.  I’m naming him George!”

          “What if it’s a girl?” asked Zach.  “You can’t name a girl George.”

          “Then it will be Georgina!  I’m gonna be it’s mommy and teach it how to fly!  Like this!”  He stepped onto the top of the table and jumped off, flapping his arms like they were wings.

          “What are you doing now, Andy?” the lunch supervisor asked.

          “This is how I’m going to teach my ducky to fly!  Weeeeee!”  He once again leaped off the table but this time banged his head on the wall.

          “Owww, who am I?  What’s my name?  Where am I?  Who are you?” Andy moaned.

          “Your name is Bob Jenkins.  This is mars and I am the president,” Zach replied as he helped Andy up.

          “Then all of them must be space aliens, Baaam!  Baaam!” he said, making his hands in the shape of guns.  Then he ran off to get lunch.

          “All of these space aliens are intimidating me,” Andy cried as he made it back to the table.  “And who is Andy Thompson?  Where have I heard that name before?”

          “Right after a stream of swears,” Zach replied.  “Oh no Bob!  There’s a space alien right behind you and he’s going to eat out your brains!”

          Andy spun around to see Richard, the creepy kid, right behind him.  “AAAAAA!  AAAAAA!  AAAAAA!”  Andy screamed as he ran away.  Suddenly he jumped inside the garbage can.  Everybody watched as the janitor slowly pushed it away; unaware of the real trash he was taking out.  Five minutes later they saw Andy coming from the opposite direction from which he had left, with ketchup in his hair and lettuce stuck on his shirt.

          “What happened Bob!  Come on!  Tell us what happened!” everybody demanded as Andy sat down.

          Even though they asked and asked, all they could get from him was, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, and my name is Andy!”

 

Chapter 7

 

          One day in math they were learning about the order of operations.

          “Andy, would you please tell us the answer to question number 22,” the teacher kindly asked.

          “Uh, -78!”  Andy replied.

          “No!  No no no!  Where do you see a negative number!  How could it be negative!  Ok, let’s just try this again.  Ho about number 24.”

          “Uh, -78!” he answered again.

          “No!  Andy, we’ll be staying here until you figure out how to do this.”

          By the time the period was almost over Andy still hadn’t figured out how to do it, but he was getting a little closer each time.

          “Come on Andy, I don’t want to hold you back from your next class, so let’s just try an easy one.  Seven plus three times five.”

          “Hmm,” Andy said.  Then, after what seemed like hours, “Twenty-two!”

          “Yes, that is correct!  Great job Andy!”

          “Yes, I finally understand!  First you do three times five, which is,” there was a brief pause as he counted it out on his fingers, “fifteen!  Then you add the seven to get,” he counted on his fingers again, “twenty-two!”

          The math teacher called on him for the next three.  In the background all of the kids were cheering, “Go Andy!  It’s your birthday!  We’re gonna party like it’s your birthday!”

          Finally the bell rang and all of the kids got up to leave, except for Andy.

          “No, it’s okay Andy, today you don’t need to work with me after class.”

          “Great!” Andy yelled.

          “So that means you can go,” said the math teacher, this time with a little anger in his voice.

          “Well, actually, um, I can’t.  You see, well, my shoe is stuck.”

          The teacher looked down to see somehow Andy had managed to get his shoe stuck in the bottom of the desk where you keep your books.

          After working for almost 45 minutes, finally the teacher and him were able to pry his foot out of the shoe and then the shoe out of the desk.  The teacher quickly wrote him a pass and apologized to Andy about missing his next class.

          “It’s okay,” Andy told him with a grin on his face as he raced out the door.  “Today is a science test.”

 

Chapter 8

 

          “Anybody want starbursts!” Andy yelled as he raced down to the lunch table.

          He quickly opened a pack and pulled out about five of them.  “How did you get those starbursts?” asked Zach.  He assumed that Andy had stolen them from somebody, that’s how he always ended up with candy.

          “I won them for being the smartest person in my class!” yelled Andy with pride.  At this the whole table started cracking up.

          “I did!  It’s true!  I’m the smartest person in my math class!”  He stuck them in his binder and ran to get lunch.

          Zach and Brian saw this as the perfect opportunity.  They opened up Andy’s assignment notebook and wrote the word ‘detention’ in the ‘after school’ section in every day.  Next they wrote a big huge, really bad word across all of the assignments.  After that they closed the binder and took out some whiteout.  They wrote the word ‘stigmatization’ across the front of his binder, a word meaning the formation of holes and pains on the hands and/or feet resembling Jesus’s crucifixion wounds.

          When Andy came back to the table they asked, “Andy what do you have to do after school today?”  He opened his assignment notebook and turned to the current weeks page.

          “Let’s see, on Monday detention, on Tuesday detention, Wednesday detention, Thursday detention, and Frid- wait, how did I get all these detentions!  No, I don’t want a detention!  My mommy is going to be so mad!  I can’t believe I got a detention,” he moaned and then started to sob.

          “There, there, it will be alright,” they told Andy as he closed his binder.  “I’m sure whichever teacher gave you those detentions will be nice to you and not too mean.”

          “I’m just so sad.  I don’t want to have to get a detention.  I’m so sorry I did whatever I did to get it.”

          “Hey Andy,” Brian asked.  “What does this word on your binder mean?  Stig-ma-ti-za-tion?  What is stigmatization?”

          “I don’t know,” Andy answered, not even wondering how it got there.

 

          The next day during homeroom an announcement came saying, “Would you please send Andy Thompson to the school counselor’s office?”  Everybody laughed and wondered what Andy had done this time.  About 25 minutes later he returned crying.

          “My daddy talked to the counselor and told her I needed to see her because I was writing bad words in my binder.  I didn’t want to write it but I couldn’t find an eraser!” he said as he broke into sobs.

          Only Zach and Brian knew that Andy wasn’t even the one that had written it.

          “She wanted to see me after school too, but I can’t because I have a detention after school every day this week!”

 

Chapter 9

 

          An old hobby of every sixth grader at Andy’s school was to take his books and hide them.  Even though it was against the rules it was just too fun to resist.

          One day as Zach was walking to science class he noticed somebody book Andy, (a term used when they knock all of his books out of his hands), and run away.  Andy quickly chased after the kid, screaming and swearing but just leaving his books there.  Soon he came back to pick up his books, which had been taken by a boy named Daniel.

          When he noticed his books were missing and Zach standing there laughing he assumed Zach had taken them.  Zach quickly shot into his science class and started on his work.  A few moments later Andy came barging in.

          “Zachary Binks, (his nickname for Zach ever since he had seen the move ‘Hocus Pocus’), you give me my books back right now!” he yelled.

          Everybody laughed at Andy and threw paper airplanes at him.  Zach just stuck his empty hands up and denied knowing where is books were.

          After five minutes of this suddenly Andy ran out of the room screaming, “Give me back my books Daniel!”  There was a loud crash and papers went flying.  Daniel got up to run away and Andy just stood there with all of his books, papers, and who-knows-what lying on the floor.  He stood there for the rest of the period until a teacher finally, on her way to lunch, helped him pick up all of his stuff.

 

          At lunch Andy started to cry.  He sobbed and sobbed until he found out it was cheese quesadilla day and ran to get lunch.  As Andy was getting lunch Brian grabbed Andy’s science book and threw it on the floor.  For the rest of lunch Andy was unaware he was missing one of his books.  As they left the lunchroom Zach and Brian confronted him.

          “Uh, Andy, don’t you think you’re missing something, like, um, a book?” they asked him.

          “Oh my gosh!  My science book!  He ran back to the lunchroom in search of his book.

          Brian soon went up the stairs to his next class, but Zach continued down the hallway to his.  Soon Andy came running back.

          “Where is it!  Where is it!  I can’t find my book!”  He grabbed Zach’s math book out of his hands and ran up two flights of stairs.  Zach followed in pursuit.

          “It’s under the table,” Zach tried to yell but Andy just ignored him.  At the top of the stairs he ran to an open window and tried to throw the book at the vice-principal’s car.  From two-stories high it could do a lot of damage.

          Fortunately, in the nick of time, Zach snatched his math book out of Andy’s hands, knocking Andy’s binder out instead.  Since it wasn’t aimed at anything it thankfully hit only the ground with a splat.  Green goo flew everywhere and a pickle shot out.

          “There goes my science project,” he yelled as he madly raced down the stairs to retrieve his things.  Zach returned to his math class and watched out the window as Andy tried to collect his binder, (having gotten his science book on the way), and to cover up the goo.

          After unsuccessfully trying to fit in every place he could find he just finally decided to give up and swallow it all.  Amazingly enough he digested it.  Andyitis did, after all, give you an iron stomach.

 

Chapter 10

          One day at lunch Andy began to sing, “Oh, what does the fishy say?  Moo!  Moo!  Oh what does the fishy say?  Moo!  Moo!  Oh what does the chicken say?  Woof!  Woof!  Oh what does the chicken say?  Woof!  Woof!”

          He was so enwrapped in his song that he didn’t notice that lunch was almost over.  At Andy’s school every day a different kid had to wash the table.  That day it was Zach’s turn.

          Zach walked over to the big bucket full of water and bleach and pulled out a towel.  He began to wash the table but had to stop when he got to Andy.

          “Andy, put your tray away!  I need to wash the table!” Zach told him.

          At that Andy shoved the tray across the table in order to not have to stop singing his song.  It slid to the other end but fortunately someone stopped it.  They slid it back toward Andy.

          At this Andy just slid it back a little harder, still continuing with his song.  Someone slid it back again though and he got really mad.

          He made a mean face and stopped singing right before they could find out what he thought the monkey said.  He thrust the tray as hard as he could down the table and this time nobody was quick enough to catch it.  It shot off the table and landed right in the bucket of bleach.

          Before the lunch supervisor could see anything he ran over there and reached his hand in to pull the tray out.  As the lunch supervisor started to turn her head he quickly tossed the tray into the garbage can and returned to his seat.

          Than, after he decided that the monkey says oink, he realized his mistake and once again dove into the garbage can to retrieve his tray.

          While Andy was still digging through the garbage in search of his tray the kid named Richard came up.  Not forgetting his last experience in the garbage, as Richard reached in to throw something away Andy grabbed his arm and pulled it in.  Andy started telling Richard that he was going to eat his brains out.  Richard started to run away in tears, screaming that the end was coming.  Andy leaped out of the garbage can and chased Richard out the doors.  A few moments later the school counselor came back with one hand patting the sobbing Richard’s back and the other holding a leash with Andy at the other end.

          “Grrrr!  Grrrrrr!   Grrrrr!” Andy yelled, pulling at the leash as hard as he could.  Suddenly the leash snapped and all hell broke loose.  Kids ran away screaming as Andy tried to bite people in half.  Suddenly somebody pulled the fire alarm and everybody evacuated the building. 

          The teachers had seen who pulled the fire alarm but deemed it all right in those circumstances and didn’t punish him.  As for Andy, they just decided to give him less sugar and get a stronger leash.

 

Chapter 11

 

          One day it was a boy named Adam’s birthday and he decided that his party would be a night at Holiday Inn.  They decided that it would be necessary to bring Andy if they wanted to have some fun.

          You may know if you have visited Holiday Inn that they have the Holidome, complete with a swimming pool, basketball court, volleyball court, arcade, air hockey tables, ping-pong tables, and a place to play shuffleboard.

          They swam the first night and woke up early in the morning to play around with the other things besides the pool.  First they did the candy crane, but only won a measly fun sized Snicker bar.  They wanted to play ping-pong next but since there were no ping-pong balls they decided to use the Snicker bar instead.  After using it for their ping-pong games it was too beat up to eat so they decided to give it to ‘Iron Stomach Andy.’

          Andy, having extreme stupidity because of Andyitis, didn’t realize it was the same Snicker’s bar as the one that they had just used to play ping-pong with, despite how smashed it was, so he ate it.  He soon demanded more.

          “Sorry Andy,” said Adam.  “That was all we could get from the candy crane.

          Andy madly banged on the candy crane window, trying to break it and get all of the candy, while everybody else played shuffleboard.  Soon they tired of shuffleboard and began to play volleyball instead.

Andy’s fists started to bleed so he stopped banging and decided to try shuffleboard by himself.  He played for a few minutes but then played volleyball with everybody else, leaving the shuffleboard things just lying there.

During the game of volleyball Andy kept messing up.  He missed the ones that were in fair territory but hit the ones out of bounds.  That’s why when Adam hit a shot that went way wide Andy went for it.

“I got it!  I got it!” he yelled.  He ran as fast as he could to get there in time.  Looking up at the ball, he didn’t see that he was going straight in to the shuffleboard equipment he had left out.  He tripped over the stick and went tumbling into the candy crane.

The glass smashed open and Andy flew in.  As he realized where he was he started to grab all of the candy he could.  Before he could fill his pockets five security guards came running up.

Andy started to run.  He ran by the whirlpool first.  Since he was running so fast some of his candy went flying.  A handful of half opened crunch bars went into the whirlpool.  The water became all chocolaty and a bunch of kids jumped in to get some.

Water splashed everywhere and one guard, who was close to the whirlpool, slipped over some and got some in his eyes.  He just lay there, completely forgetting about Andy and worrying about his pain.

Next Andy opened a packet of Raisinettes and began chewing madly.  A few of them flew backwards and ended up in one of the guards opened mouths.  He dropped to the ground and began to choke.

After losing all of his chocolate and Raisinettes he started to chew some bubblegum.  He spit out the bubble behind him as two guards tried to grab him.  It hit the first one in the face and he collapsed.  The second tried to run but his shoes were stuck to the other guards face.  He gave up on Andy for the time being and tried to rescue his shoe.

The last guard had avoided Andy’s entire antics so far and was closing in on him.  Andy was nearing the wall and the only place there was happened to be a play place that you see at McDonald’s with a sign that read little kids only.  Andy couldn’t read though and since he was a little kid inside he crawled in.

He climbed to the top and slid down the slide with the guard in pursuit.  He picked up all of the plastic balls he could and threw them at the guard until he was unconscious.

Before anybody else could spot him he raced back to his room.  After the guards questioned everybody who was there the other guests of Adam’s party went into the room and asked Andy why he had decided to raid the candy crane.

“I don’t know,” Andy replied.  “It wasn’t worth it.  All I got were Kit-Kat bars and no Twix!”

 

Chapter 12

 

          One day Brian and Zach started talking to each other during lunch.

          “You see, if Andy ever goes through a day without doing something ‘Andyish’ than it will set into his biological clock and he will never be Andy again,” Brian told Zach.

          They waited during lunch, but Andy didn’t do anything.  Soon they decided they would need to take matters into their own hands.

          “Hey Andy,” Zach said, in between sips of his Capri Sun lemonade.  “Guess what, the sky is falling.”

          Andy just sat there and didn’t fall for it.  “Don’t lie to Andy,” Brian said.  “Bad things happen when you lie to Andy.  Like this,” and than, turning to Andy, “Hey Andy, they’re giving away free lunches.

          “Really,” Andy said as he raced to the lunch line.  As they waited Zach took his now empty Capri Sun pouch and blew through the straw until it was full of air.  He than stuck it right by Andy’s first lunch so it looked like it was still full.

          “Awww, Brian, you made me get embarrassed,” Andy whined when he returned.  “They weren’t really giving away free lun- Hey!  Lemonade!”  He grabbed the pouch off the table and squeezed as hard as he could.  The air came out and it was soon empty.  Andy just held it there, crying.

          Andy cried and cried as they went to math class.  That day in math class they were learning about fractions.

          “Ok, everybody,” their math teacher said as the class took their seats.  “Let’s just say there are ten feet in between the chalkboard and I.  If each step I take I move half the distance between the chalkboard and I than how many steps will it take me to hit the chalkboard?  Who here knows, do you Andy?”

          “Two,” Andy replied right away.

          “No, Andy, that’s wrong.  I will never hit the chalkboard because I can take an infinite amount of number of steps between the chalkboard and I,” the teacher told Andy.

          Any other day Andy might have let this go but today he was mad and determined to be right so he started to argue, “No!  It will take you two steps to hit the chalkboard.”

          “No Andy, that is wrong.  Two is not the correct answer.”

          “Look, I’ll show you!  See, one step, two!”  He walked right in to the chalkboard and started to cry.  Soon his nose started bleeding and he was sent to the nurse.

         

          Soon Zach was in homeroom and Andy still hadn’t returned.  It was a Friday so his homeroom teacher was checking their assignment notebooks.  His rule was that you had to have every assignment written in for every day that week.  If there was no homework you still had to write ‘none’ with a brief description of what you did that day in class.  If you failed to do this than you would receive a detention but if your assignment notebook was filled out you would get candy. 

Since Andy had been in the nurse’s office all day he hadn’t had time to fill out his assignment notebook.  Finally he came running in to the room with a pass.  He gave it to the teacher and took his seat.

As the teacher finished checking one kids book he started to walk towards Andy.  Andy pulled out a pen and began writing.  Because he had no time he just jotted down the word ‘stuff.’

“Let’s see, Andy,” said the teacher.  “In social studies your homework is stuff, in science it’s stuff, in math it’s stuff, in reading it’s stuff, in arts block it’s stuff, in foreign language it’s stuff, and in P.E. it’s stuff!  Well I guess you’ll need time to do all of this stuff in a detention!  Be here after school today!”

“Please no sir!  Please, please let me get by this time!  Please!” Andy begged.  He jumped to the floor and got down on his knees.  “I beg you!  Just don’t give me a detention this one time!  I don’t want another detention!  Please!”  He followed him around like a hungry dog. 

“If you’re going to be like this than I won’t give you a detention,” the teacher said.  Andy got up and started to dance.  “I’ll give you two!” the teacher finished.  Andy dropped in a heap to the floor. 

People tried to wake him up and one kid even kicked him, but he just got bit in the leg and had to get a rabies shot.  Finally after the bell rang Andy got up and yelled,  “I got to go to the bathroom!”

 

Chapter 13

 

          One winter day Zach’s homeroom teacher decided it was warm enough to go outside despite the fact that there was snow.

          Sean and Zach ran out, wondering what Andy would do this time.  They searched and searched but couldn’t seem to find him.

          “Where could he be?” Zach asked as they started to walk across the bridge.

          “Arrrrr!” Suddenly something came swinging by on the willow tree.  They identified it as Andy.

          “Ahhhhhh!” he screamed as the branch he was swinging on broke and he went plunging into the shallow creek.

          “Brrrrr!” he shivered as he climbed out of the creek and joined the bewildered Zach and Sean.  “Look what I got.”  He held up the long branch that had broken off from the tree.

          “Hi Andy,” they both said, not even bothering to ask why he had just jumped at them from the top of the tree like a maniac.

          “I have a snowball,” he said.  “I brought a kickball here this morning and rolled it in the snow nice and big.”  He then pointed to a huge snowball about the size of a SUV’s tire.  “Uh-oh, here comes Jamie.”

          They turned and saw one of the biggest jerks in the school coming their way.  “I know!  We’ll set a trap for her.  We’ll pull my snowball up to the top of the tree and when she walks by we’ll drop it on her.  Than she’ll be trapped and have to live out here forever!”

          He quickly tied one end of the willow tree branch around the giant snowball and threw the other end around a high branch.  He then climbed to the top of the tree and held on to the high end of the new “rope.”

          “One, two, three!” Andy yelled as leaped off the tree and pulled the rope down, trying to bring the snowball up.  Instead the snowball just broke in half and the kickball in the middle started to roll away.

          “No!  Come back here!” he yelled as he began to chase it.  The ball soon rolled over a very busy road and stopped on the other side.  This road was a very important road that was very dangerous and was strictly forbidden to go anywhere near.

          Forgetting the rules Andy ran across to retrieve his ball.  Somehow he made it to the other side without getting squished and was on his way back with the ball.  Suddenly he just plopped down on the middle of the road, waiting to become road kill.

          The teachers didn’t seem to see, (or care), that Andy was about to meet an early death so Zach and Sean ran up to try and save him.  Life wouldn’t be the same without his humor.

          “I’m tired,” Andy yawned as the two boys approached.  Suddenly a large truck came down the road.  Andy just lay there as the truck came right at him.  Suddenly it veered away and went straight through the stain glass of a church.  Andy ran off the road crying.

          “That mean old truck got mud in my face!  Waaaaaaa!”  He ran back to his tree and climbed to the top.  The teachers, truck driver, and people in the church all followed him there.

          “Where did that kid go?” asked the teachers.  They saw the girl named Jamie walking by and knowing her reputation as a troublemaker assumed it must have been her.

          “How dare you!  You cost me my new car!” yelled the truck driver.

          “And that stain glass is very expensive!” yelled the priest from the church.

          Then it was the teachers’ turn to talk, “I hope you’re happy, because this will mean a six day suspension, and you’ll be paying for all of this damage!”  One of them grabbed Jamie and led her the way by her ear.

          Just then Andy jumped down from atop his tree.  After he landed he began to speak with a grin on his face, “They say revenge is bittersweet, but I seem to find it to my liking.”

 

Chapter 14

 

          One day in science class the subject was ecology.  Andy had a pond in his backyard so he had experienced a lot of these kinds of things.  Everybody was still surprised though when he raised his hand after the teacher asked a question.

          “Ok, Andy, what do you want to say?” asked the teacher.

          Andy started to answer, “Well, I think-.”

          “Please don’t!” yelled out the science teacher.  Everybody started to laugh at Andy.

          After everybody stopped laughing Andy answered the question and the science teacher continued to speak.  Soon he got to a point about wasting water and the difference in the amount of water you use between showering and taking bath.

          “Of course, a person wouldn’t take a shower with their bathing suit on, but still…”

          “I do!!!” yelled out Andy. 

          “Ok, let me rephrase that.  A normal person wouldn’t take a shower with their bathing suit on.”  The class cracked up and laughed at Andy hysterically.

          Soon the teacher told the class that they would be doing a project and that everybody needed to find a partner.  Nobody wanted to be with Andy and there were an odd number of people, so Andy was left alone.  He then decided to work with the bird.

          Most classrooms weren’t aloud any class pets, but this science teacher hadn’t gotten a special exception and was aloud to bring in his cockatiel name Mohawk. 

Andy loved birds so decided Mohawk was the one to work with.  He took Mohawk out of his cage and started to play with him.  He put him on the broom and lifted the broom up so Mohawk would fly off.

“He doesn’t like that, Andy,” the teacher told him.

“Sure he does.  Mohawk loves to stand on this broom and jump off,” Andy replied.

“Would you like it?” the teacher asked.  Andy didn’t respond so the teacher grabbed the broom out of his hands and put it between Andy’s legs.  He lifted him up to the ceiling as Andy groaned in pain.

“I didn’t think so,” the teacher told him as he calmly lifted Andy back down.  Now the class was really laughing at him and this time with mean remarks.  Andy just went back to playing with Mohawk as if nothing had happened and he wasn’t in extreme pain.

“Andy Thompson, come and pick up your shoe.  Didn’t you notice you left your shoe up here,” the teacher yelled out.  Andy slowly walked up to retrieve his shoe.  When he came back to his desk he started screaming.

“Mohawk!  Where are you Mohawk!  Please come back!  Whatever I did, I’m sorry!  Noooo!  Why did Mohawk have to leave me!”

Everybody quickly started searching.  A few minutes later Brian stood up with Mohawk on his finger.

“Thank you!  Thank you so much Brian!  I owe you my life!  I am forever in your debt!  Whatever you want shall be yours!”

“Uh, can I have five cents for lunch money?” Brian asked him.

Andy paused for a moment, than yelled back as he dashed away out of the room,  “Sorry!  I only have a dime!”

 

Chapter 15

 

          One day a boy named Ben, (the son of Andy’s science teacher), came to lunch with glasses.  Because his father and him looked a bit alike they decided this was the perfect chance to trick Andy.

          “Hey Andy!  What are you doing?” Zach asked as he approached him.

          “Just getting my lunch,” Andy replied.

          “Well, Andy, how about this.  I’ll give you these two shiny quarters for just one measly dollar bill.  Is it a deal?”

          “That’s a good deal!  That’s a good deal!  Who am I going to do this deal with?”

          “Over there, Andy.  It’s our science teacher see,” Zach said as he pointed to Ben.

          “No, that’s not him,” Andy said.

          “Yes it is, Andy.”

          “No.”

          “Hi Andy!  It’s me, your science teacher!”

          “Hey!  It really is!  What’s up Marty!” he yelled out loud, calling him by his first name.

          “No, actually, it’s just me, Ben,” he told him, taking off his glasses.

          “You tricked me!  That wasn’t nice!” he cried out in dismay.  Than he grabbed Sean’s Fruitopia bottle right off his tray.

          “Give that back!” Sean yelled.

          “Who’s is this?” Andy asked.

          “It’s mine!  Give it to me!” Sean kept yelling.  Andy walked right over to the garbage and threw it away.

          “I wonder who’s that was,” Andy said to himself as he walked back to the table.

          “That was mine!” Sean exclaimed.

          “Yours!  How was I supposed to know that was yours!  You should have said something!” Andy said as he started to munch on Sean’s bag of Sun Chips that he had just opened.

          “Now give me back my Sun Chips!”

          “I’m not eating your Sun Chips,” he yelled as he continued to eat them.  He finally finished the bag and threw it back in Sean’s face.

          “Andy!  You owe me two dollars now!  You just threw away my Fruitopia and ate my Sun Chips!”

          “No!  I won’t pay you back!  And I, uh, didn’t take your things.  You’re just lying.  You framed me.”

          Sean walked up to the lunch supervisor behind Brian.  As he was waiting he saw Brian telling her that Mike owed him money.  She called Mike up and got Mike to pay him.

          “Now I better not here any more of this,” she told them.  “If I here anything about any money being owed I’ll have to write you a detention.  It’s the school policy that I do that.  Now what do you want Sean.”

          “Andy owes me two dollars but he refuses to pay me,” he told her.

          “I’m sorry, there isn’t anything I can do about that.  The vice-principal is in charge of that, you’ll have to take it up with him.”

          Sean just stood there as she walked away.  As he collected his things and started to leave the lunchroom, he saw her confront Andy and hug him.  He shuddered and wondered what could possibly drive her to such a disgusting thing. 

 

Chapter 16

 

          Every year when school is almost over, the whole school has a field day.  There are games and water balloon fights.  The groups are divided into homerooms and each homeroom rotates throughout each station.

          A girl named Melissa happened to be in Andy’s homeroom.  Melissa’s mother was helping out so she had to bring her little sister around.

          The sister’s name was Kayla but she was really little.  The only station she could compete in was limbo, but she was so small she beat everybody else at that.

          “Cheater!  Cheater!  That little girl is cheating!  I don’t know how but there is no way she could be that good!  She must be cheating!” Andy yelled out.  Everybody just ignored him though and continued on.  Finally Kayla herself confronted him.

          “I’m not cheating!  You’re just jealous that I’m better than you!” she told him.

          “You can’t beat me!  How old are you?”

          “I’m five years old!  I graduated from preschool today!”

          “Oh yeah, well you can’t beat me up!”

          Suddenly Kayla made a fist and slammed Andy right in the chest.

          “Owwwww!  That hurt!” Andy screamed.  She dove into him and tackled him into the dirt.  She started rapidly punching as hard as she could.

          “Stop!  Get off!  Somebody make her get off!  She’s hurting me!  Make her stop hurting me!” Instead everybody laughed and nobody bothered to help him up.  Finally the five year old stopped beating him up and got off of him.  By then though the damage was done.  Every kid and parent in the school new that Andy had been beat up by a five year old.

          What this had to do with having Andyitis, nobody knew, but it just goes to show that nothing good can come from it.

 

Chapter 17

 

          Andy’s school happened to have two plays every year, a winter one and a spring one.  Andy was forced to join the first play’s stage crew after he was caught trying to sell marijuana.  The faculty didn’t think a youth group would be a good idea, (mostly for the other members sake).

          It turned out he had so much fun being in the stage crew that he wanted to be in the next play, but this time as an actor.  Since it had stopped him from selling more marijuana the faculty had no choice but to give him a part, despite the fact he had no talent.

          Andy bragged and bragged when he found out they gave him a part.  He told everybody he had more talent than anyone.  He thought he was the best actor in the world.

          Another thing Andy bragged about was his privileges to the school.  He could go anywhere he wanted while the rest of the actors were practicing.  He even got to go to the teacher’s lounge.

          One night it was the wrestling team’s award ceremony.  The play group happened to be having a dress rehearsal that night.  Andy was all dressed up to be a reporter with eye shadow, makeup, and a long trench coat.  His hair was combed back and he looked like a monster.

          Andy started roaming the school and decided to get a soda from the vending machine in the teacher’s lounge.  It just so happened that the only way into the teacher’s lounge was through the cafeteria, right where the wrestling team was having a meeting.

          As Andy walked through the cafeteria doors with a loud klonk everybody turned to look.  They saw what they thought to be a midget reporter trying to get this meeting on tape.  Andy stood there with his eyes wide.  Everybody kept looking so he decided to do something and quick.

          Then, with a continuing dance step, he began to sing, “Rubber ducky!  You’re the one!  You make bath time, so much fun!  Rubber ducky!  You’re the one that I love!  Boo boop dee doop!”

 

Chapter 18

 

          One Halloween Andy’s homeroom teacher decided he would get out a microphone and each kid would tell a scary story.

          Zach, not knowing any good scary stories, decided to make up his own.  He thought and thought until he finally came up with the perfect one.

          As it was his turn to speak he walked up to the microphone.  He than began his story, “Once upon a time, there was kid, and one time this kid saw Andy’s face!”

          “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” one kid screamed from the back.  Another kid dropped to the floor.  Andy himself ran out of the room screaming.

 

Chapter 19

 

          Every year the library in Andy’s town held a competition called Battle of the Books.  The object was to read all of the books on a list and answer questions as fast as they could.

          Each player on the team would be holding a buzzer.  As the question was read as soon as a player knew the answer he would press the button on the buzzer and the question would stop being read immediately.  If the team failed to answer the question correctly they would lose five points.

          Zach had done battle of the books the last two years and taken first place each time.  This year nobody wanted to do it though so he had to resort to Andy.

          By the first battle Andy hadn’t read any books but they put him in anyway.  As a lady came by to pass out a marker to each time Andy grabbed the purple one and held it in his hands.

          As the first question was read Andy suddenly jumped up.  “I know this one!  I know this one!” he yelled.  Not having read any of the books, it was obvious he had no idea.  Instead of pressing the buzzer though he pressed the cap of the marker.

          “I did awesome!” Andy yelled after the battle.  “I knew every single one!  I’m am definitely the best player on our team!”

         

          The next week the team had their second battle.  The two battle’s scores were added up and the top four teams would move on to the grand battle.

          The lady once again came by to the table and passed the team a red marker.

          “I want purple!” Andy yelled at the lady.

          “I’m sorry, I gave the purple to the other team.  Red will be fine though.”

          “Grrrrrrr!” Andy growled at her.  She quickly ran away and exchanged with the other team.  “That’s better!  This way we’re sure to win!” Andy said.

          Once again Andy pressed the marker cap instead of the buzzer and wasn’t a threat to the team.  Zach lead the team to a victory and they scored high enough to make it to the grand battle.

 

          At the grand battle the marker lady knew about Andy and held on to it until she reached his team.  Andy decided this was a good omen and they had no chance of losing.

          As Andy pressed the marker and Zach pressed the buzzer, they annihilated the other teams.  By the end of the battle they took first by about thirty points.

          “It’s all thanks to me and my purple marker,” Andy told the team.  Soon the marker lady came back to collect the marker from them.

          “Congratulations guys.  Can I please have the purple marker back?” She said, turning to Andy.

          “Uh, what marker?” he said as he stuck it into his coat pocket.  “Hey look, a two-headed monkey!”  As the lady turned her head he dashed out of the room.  Everybody saw him running but nobody bothered to stop him.

 

          The next day Zach needed to return all of his books that he still had.  As he stood in line he saw Andy in the line by next to him.

          “Hi Andy!  Did they make you come back to return the purple marker?” Zach asked.

          Andy pulled out the marker to show Zach and said, “No, I still have it.  They haven’t even done anything about that!  I’m just here returning this book on how to draw pigs.  For some reason I suddenly have a one hundred dollar fine.”

 

Chapter 20

 

          One day Andy ran up to the lunch line to get lunch.  He had a ten-dollar bill in his pocket and was having a sugar rush.  He grabbed a hamburger, fries, a slushy, Ho-ho’s, twinkies, oatmeal crème pies, bosco sticks, and an ice cream bar.

          He started to gobble up all of his food, starting with the sweets and ending up with the hamburger.  After he had eaten most of his food he went to go buy another twinkies.

          “I’m hungry!” he yelled out as he returned.

          “Andy, there’s a hamburger sitting right there on your tray,” Brian told him.

          “I don’t like hamburgers!” Andy yelled at him.

          “Then why the heck did you buy it,” Brian asked him.

          “I know!  I’ll sell it back to the lunch ladies!”

          “Andy, you already took a bite out of it.  Nobody is going to want to take it now.

          Despite what Brian told him he ran up to the lunch lady, demanding his money back.  He threw the hamburger to her as he tried to reach into the cash register.

          Having terrible aim it bounced off the table and into the bowl of tomato sauce.  The lunch lady stopped fighting off Andy and started to clean up the sauce that had been sprayed.  Andy grabbed all the money he could and ran back to his seat.

          “Andy!  That’s not your money!  You stole all of that from the lunch lady!” Zach yelled at him.

          “Oh well, not my problem,” he said with a shrug.  “I’m going to go buy a hamburger!”

 

Chapter 21

 

          One time when the music class was practicing their recorder music Zach and Brian were working with Andy for a partner.

          Andy couldn’t practice with them though because he had lost his sheet music.  Finally Brian and Zach nagged him enough and he went to ask for another one.

          “Andy, you’ve lost your music again,” said the teacher.  “Ok, I’ll give you my copy, but this is the last one you’re getting.  If you lose your copy one more time you’ll have to play from memory.”

          As Andy returned they started practicing again.  They kept messing up though and had to start over.

          “I think I know why we’re not playing together,” Andy said.  “I think I’m messing up when we play the first note because I’m not sure how to play it.”  He then pointed to the treble clef.

          “Andy, that’s not a note!  You aren’t even supposed to play that!” Brian yelled at him.

          “Yes you are!  You’re lying to me!  You’re just mean and stupid and dumb and unintelligent!  I’m asking the teacher!”  He ran off to wait in line.

          Zach and Brian looked at each other, and than in silent agreement began to tear up Andy’s music sheet.  They took the remaining shreds and hid them in the corners of the room so there would be no evidence of what they had done.

          “See!  I told you it wasn’t a note!  You kept telling me that we had to play it but you were wrong!  See, look – hey!  Where did my paper go?”

          He ran around, madly searching everywhere he could think of.  “Where’s my paper!  I don’t want to play by memory!  Help me find my paper!  Hey!  You took my paper!” he yelled at a boy named Ryan.  He tried to grab the paper right out of his hands.  Suddenly it ripped in half and Andy went flying.

          “Owwwww!” he yelled as he fell back.  “I got a paper cut!  Waaaaaaaa!”

          The teacher came up and saw Andy crying on the floor.  She instantly suspended Ryan without even asking if they had gotten into a fight. 

          The next day Andy suddenly had a sheet with a rip down the middle that he had taped.  Since Ryan wasn’t there nobody could argue that it wasn’t his.  They hadn’t had any practice though so they did terrible, but because of Andy’s ‘handicap’ they ended up getting an A+.  Andy actually was good for something.

 

Chapter 22

 

          One day as Zach was walking through the halls Andy came running up.

          “Hey!  That’s my calculator!” he yelled as he grabbed Zach’s calculator off of his binder and ran away with it.

         

          “Give me my calculator back!” Zach yelled at Andy in frustration when they got to lunch.

          “Ok, I will.  But only if you come to my house today after school to pick it up.”

          “Tell the lunch supervisor!” Brian insisted.  Zach thought of this, but didn’t see her anywhere and didn’t even think she was there.  Then Zach thought about the dangers of going to his house, (mostly about his hungry dog), but ended up reluctantly agreeing.

 

          As Zach walked down the road that day after school on his way to Andy’s house he saw a sign on the cable post that read, “Annoying little brother for sale, $0.00!  Come pick him up and take him home!  No need to contact us!”

          Zach wondered who could have put this up.  He began to go down Andy’s list of enemies but didn’t have to time to make through the whole thing before he reached his house.

          “Hi Zach!” Andy yelled out when he reached the driveway.  “We’re gonna play tag!  You run, and my dog Saty tries to get you.  I’m gonna start counting now.  10!  7!  3!  2!  1!  Ready or not here she comes!”

          He suddenly let Saty go before Zach had a chance to run.  Saty jumped on him and tried to bite his leg off.  After five minutes of this Andy finally pulled Saty off.

          “Let’s go again!  Ready, 10!  7!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”  Suddenly a lady walked up and put a collar with a leash attached around his neck.

          “Hello, Andy.  Glad to see you.  I’ve come to take you home,” said the lady.  Zach tried to get a glimpse of her but she had a hood covering her face.  Andy tried to scratch his head with his foot.

          “Home, but, well, but,” he said, trying to find the right words.  Then he suddenly yelled, “Will there be ice cream!”

          “No, Andy!  Tell her that you are home!” Zach yelled at him.

          “Oh yeah, that too.  This is my home.”

          “Not according to this,” she said as she held up the sign Zach had seen taped to the phone pole.

          “Hey!  My sign!  Nobody was actually supposed to come!  I can’t believe somebody actually came to pick me up.”

          “I have waited so long to bring you home with me.  You act exactly like my son who died early.  He was three years old.  I wanted to stay with you at school but I left because I hated the other kids so much.”

          “The lunch lady!  The lunch lady wants to take me home!  You can’t take me home,” he yelled out.  “You don’t have any ice cream, you’re lactose intolerant!”