nocturnal ramblings copied from paper & placed in front of the screen for your eyes
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: silence
a letter for every day I'm away from you

angel baby!
***I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! ***

Over the top I know but its all that is in my head and its kinda like an attempt at exorcism. So I don't miss you so much. But I will be with you soon anyway *smile*

loveyouAngelfacexxootickletickle

nocturnal ramblings copied from paper & placed in front of the screen for your eyes
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Augie March - The Moth Ball
a letter for every day I'm away from you

to my angel wings....

you make me better...you take me away from everything...you make me look up into the sky rather than down at the ground

the discussion about serotonin and taking my medicine made me think of the song I've now got playing and how much I love it.

# How sweet it is to be loved by you
and taking your medicine
and feeling individual
and audiovisual.
You see I'm hearing everything you see
And I'm seeing everything you hear #

I just thought that was weird is all

I'm trying to get better...I really am....but it feels like I've been like this for most of my life. For me to be anything else would mean I would be a completely different person to the one I am now. I cant fake being new or improved. Im just me. Thats why I feel so hopeless sometimes. For all of this to go away....all the stuff that is wrong with me....is to pretty much delete the person I am....because I cant pretend.I dont think I am the one to make it better.

But you, the person who said he couldnt help me, you take me away from it all sometimes. You give me back the normal things and the happy memories. You take me away from the life I lead and give me a role in yours. And its never helped me more. Never made me feel more content and as comfortable as I do with you. Thank you for that.

Im trying not to be sad about him leaving. I feel like in some ways I've just sped up his reasons to leave. And the one upstairs is going to resent me even more for his leaving. He told me how loyal he is. Thats why he thinks he doesnt like me. He said he doesnt forgive too easily either even though he is totally over what happened between you and me. Only time is going to tell what will happen there.

Im being optimistic about it too I guess. If we ever get to be with each other...can be as long as we want it to too *smile*...we can do all the stuff we want to do. We can go anywhere we want to....we can sleep in all day....we can play video games and cook crazy shit...all the fun but regular stuff. Its just a matter of getting there and back *no no no think positive you idiot*

going to go....don't want to make you sad with what I wrote.

missyouAngelpussxxootickletickle

nocturnal ramblings copied from paper & placed in front of the screen for your eyes
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Big Heavy Stuff - Hyperballad....(Bjork cover I found on a tape somewhere)
a letter for every day I'm away from you
to my boy with the beautiful cupids bow shaped mouth

a million kisses! *smile*

there was a massive storm today. Like I told you already......I know I know! :P
I was thinking of how my friend thinks that storms are sexy. Never understood that at all. But now I wonder what it would be like to have a storm happening around me but have you there with me. It could never be sexy....I just think my friend is weird LOL. But it could be an experience. Something to help me get over them. If I feel so safe with you, would that be enough to take away my fear of something like that.

I like the idea of you looking after me, hugging me and soothing me while there is a massive storm happening....the power out and just you and me and a torch light and nothing and no one else in our dark little world....dont take the torch light thing the wrong way too :P. Would be too clamped up in fear to do anything other than hide.

if you did Gollum though I might hit you outta surprise. As you may have gathered I get easily scared. Something tells me you wouldnt hesitate to try to scare me though :P It's a big child-like quality you have about you....but just be warned about my reactions hehehehe

I miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss you!

Don't know when I will be seeing you again :(Im hoping sometime this week). But I have something that I organised with my friends a month or two ago that I have to do this Saturday. I really dont want to do it. But I at least owe one of them the courtesy of catching up with them. But I would MUCH prefer to be where my heart now feels at home. With you guys. With you. I kind of get scared as to whether you guys are going to get sick of me too. Thats how I feel about everything after this year. I've just been passed off or left behind and they go on to the next person. Its a stupid thing to think but its what I feel has happened. Its a scary feeling.

Sorry to leave you on that note angel baby. I miss you. I miss your hands and your face and your wiggly ears despite the fact they freak me out *giggles* Miss you so much.

staysafeAngeleyesxxootickletickle

nocturnal ramblings copied from paper & placed in front of the screen for your eyes
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Cat Power - Sea Of Love

a letter for every day I'm away from you

Angel...

what to say what to say what to say what to say what to say what to say what to say what to say

I dont know....many things happened. All new. All in various degrees of wonder. Wouldnt take back anything though.

I'm quite aware I'm a walking contradiction. I don't want things between us to be about one 'thing' in particular....I'm pretty sure you know what 'thing' I refer to *blush*

But I can't help it with you. I know we should've waited or slowed down but I have no self control when it comes to that. Feel free to tell me no. It may be a good thing because I get too caught up in the moment. It's rather scary to discover. LOL Its even scary to find out what you're like. Its a good scary though....it leaves me questioning myself as to what I'm capable of. Its a new kind of discovery.

But I was just happy to touch you. Just sitting on your lap or holding your hand or just a part of you touching me...like just the tip of your finger touching my arm.

As you know too, the whole walking around with you on Saturday thing I absolutely loved it. It was like the normalcy that I always wanted to achieve but in a happy way. I never thought the supermarket could be that fun. I always manage to find fun in the mundane but I never have anyone to share it with. There was a feeling of home to it all. Like it just belonged or it was the right kind of usual for me.

Wow I'm just stuck with what to write! Its bizarre. Some of its just too personal to even put out there. Thats what I'm guessing it is anyway. But what you know and what I've told you still stands. If anything, it's become more deeper and complicated. I still care the world....the whole fricking universe....for the exterior you and the heart and soul of you. And you keep unfolding and becoming more open with me every time I see you. I like it a thousand fold. I assure you.

let'stalkthebigissuesnowAngelxxootickletickle:P

nocturnal ramblings copied from paper & placed in front of the screen for your eyes
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Sigur Ros - Svern G-Englar

a letter for everyday I'm away from you

Angel eyes

today is Thursday (insert rocket clock playschool joke here)
Which then means tomorrow is Friday. How does that Cure song go? "Its Friday...." hahaha you get the picture.

loved my present angel....so much dedication to something as heart melting as that. Still have to pinch 'ouch!' myself that you're real. Maybe its a time thing, because I don't see you every day or something. I'm not too sure. But in a way I DO see you every day. I can picture you in my head so clearly. Its rather haunting in a nice way. But yeah, you're present was so beautiful to me. Thank you very much *kiss* :)

LOL cant wait 'til tomorrow! Im so sitting next to you in the cinema whether he likes it or not. He should be grateful that I dont pull up the arm rest and lay my head on your shoulder and totally ignore the movie. Hahaha you're gonna be spitting about that one now arent you angel? :P
No its ok...it'll be dark so at least we can sneak the holding hands thing *bright smile*

I can't wait to show you guys the present I got for you. You'll have it broken in no time. Thats ok...its meant to be roughed with anyway....could just get you another one easily too. I wanna bring my rollerskates up too. I havent done that in so long! How far away is the hospital >>>> just incase :P

I wanna go rain walking too if it happens to be raining....won't do that if there is a storm though. Too scared of getting hit by lightning and hate the thunder. Will be bundled up in a corner with my fingers in my ears hiding anyway.

Most of all I just want to be with you...go with you wherever you go and vice versa...follow each other like the evil siamese twins that we supposedly are. He's feeling a bit put out by that. I dont mean to. But its fun to go on about it though. I must be trouble. But its always us three together having fun anyway so he's not really left out. He just doesnt want to share a bed with us two.....muahahahahaha

Ok so I know Im probably nuts for even thinking like this....but as I write, I keep thinking about the hours, minutes and seconds going past. All of them bringing me closer to seeing you again. Surely thats a sign of an insane person? If so....I wanna be like this for the rest of my life. But in some ways I dont want to be like that all the time. Because there is going to be moments when Im finally with you and they're going to be the moments where Im not going to give a shit about time. Im going to want time to stop if anything. To not let it drag me away from you ever again. But we both know the world will turn upside down and square the day that happens. So we will have to make do with now.

All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that - Baltasar Gracian

seeyoutomorrowAngelxxootickletickle

nocturnal ramblings copied from paper & placed in front of the screen for your eyes
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: Decoder Ring - Somersault

a letter for ever day I'm away from you

angel *kiss*

*^* I miss you when the air is still When I can hardly feel But with one breath you are here*^*

music going through my head now.....does it suddenly always become relavent? Song lyrics and life? Or does it just happen to me? :)

things are worrying me with him. I thought he would stop doing things like he had been doing before the weekend. I thought he wouldve thought "Fine! Im not doing anything for her anymore because its not working". I would like to think its him in general but as you told me, its not. I dont know what to think about him. I just want friends. I never thought it was really going to be anymore than that with him. Because there is someone else out there waiting for him....he just wants it to be me I think. I still treat him the same but I never thought of it as misleading him.Im just being me. Am I trouble angel? I dont want to be trouble. I want to be me.

you're not here. You're surrounded by children nonetheless. Looking at you, people would think thats the last thing you would want. Shows you how shallow people are about appearances. You say you're doing something. Something that is for me, something that involves me. I dont know....you just said something.

Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!Can't wait!

how's that for childish excitement? Its happening a lot recently. It used to happen all the time. The little things make me feel it. But not so much people anymore. Until now any way.

not going too good with the words tonight. I think they all came out in one big gush and there's nothing left. You know it all now. You know all of what I feel and think of you. And now all there is inside of me is this glowy happy stuff. All this energy and bubbling. Its hilarious to anyone who knows me because they know Im pretty much like that in the first place. So now Im even more hypo :P

friday's nearly here YAY!!!!!!

gonna go wait for you to come home now like a puppy dog waits at the window for its owner to pull into the driveway....I wonder what kinda dog I would be? A big licky yappy burrowing one. Pretty much how I am already if other people are to be believed *big smile*

safetriphomeAngelxxootickletickle

nocturnal ramblings copied from paper & placed in front of the screen for your eyes
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Bjork - Scatterheart

a letter for ever day I'm away from you

Angel baby

I miss your voice and your laugh....

I miss your hands with the strangely long thumbnails that I want to paint with angel blood (white out....the stuff you paint your nails with at school when you just want to ignore the teacher and do your own thing) *cheeky grin*......

I miss your feet with their odd but no less beautiful toes.......

I miss the perfectly coloured perfectly shaped freckle on your shoulder.....

I miss your ears...the ones you say have no lobes and I'm pretty sure you're not a fan of them.
I am! *kiss kiss flick flick* LOL.....

I miss your eyebrows
they're so expressive
they can make me laugh
I'm rather fond of them......weird!

I miss your nose....
the obvious reason being eskimo kisses *wink!*

I miss your mouth
so luscious for a boy...you bitch...I'm jealous
they're so soft to fall asleep against with my own
^^I can't believe I remembered that and you didn't^^
nong+nong+nongburger = you :P

I miss your eyes times a thousand the most
so blue
always watching when I look into them
always smiling
always sparkling
always making me feel safe and sound
looking at me /mirror/\mirror\ looking at you
the best thing in my world

beautifuldreamsAngelxxootickletickle

nocturnal ramblings copied from paper & placed in front of the screen for your eyes
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Something for Kate - Ashes to Ashes *live cover....and chimingly beautiful*

A letter for every day I'm away from you.

Here it begins Angel.....here be monsters! Our own personal monster anyway at this point in time. But it's cute and fluffy and huggable nonetheless. And it makes us happy at times. Tell me I'm doing the right thing. It feels like it's started badly but it was so magical at the same time. Is this the stupid sappy stuff the poets like to write on and on about? The stuff that people like Trent Reznor (and all those other musicians you like to listen to) seem to advise to every one as soul shaking and soul breaking? Us against them? Do I want it? YES! I do! I want anything and everything to do with you! I just don't want you hurting. I don't want you to be sad. You say you felt content and at peace? I've never felt so alive or content in so long. I feel like a piece of steel being drawn to a magnet with you. I even felt that feeling when I was coming to where you are. I wanted to go into your room and jump on you straight away so I could finally meet you and look at you and make you smile. Those feelings....these feelings I still have!!!...it's got me shitscared LOL.

I'm shitscared for many reasons. I've been really fucked up by my first relationship....you saw one of the resulting effects from it. A physical one. I'm afraid of it happening again too. But Im absolutely petrified of you getting hurt. I don't want anyone to hurt you....I couldnt stand it if I hurt you especially! If that was you outside of your shell when I was there, there is no chance in hell that I want anyone to put you even further back into it....yet again especially myself. It was like seeing a manically beautiful flower bloom before my eyes. A rare sight, an even rarer experience! I wanna see the world through your eyes (hhhmmm your eyes your eyes YOUR EYES BOY!*smile* )....but I want you to see the world through my eyes too.....find new things in each other. But above all else, I wanna open my eyes again and see your blue eyes looking into mine and your lips curve into a smile. The smell of you was haunting me last night. The last night I slept beside you, something about the way you smelt reminded me of vanilla. It was amazingly nice....I dont know what it was. I want to push your black hair with its blondey brown roots off your forehead too, rub my hand over your stubbley cheek and give you a *kiss* on the nose again. Its all we've let ourselves do but its all I've needed. So close but yet so far away *smile*.

Chaste little innocent kisses on the lips that make me smile and blush when all we want is to embrace each other and never get up and leave the cocoon we made in our own little world. Because outside is the harsh reality that someone we both love is going to get hurt...its hard to say...it may be okay...we dont know. Are you willing to find out is all? Am I? My heart is tapping out the word 'Yes' repeatedly in morse code it feels. Lets blow the top off the whole thing :P
G'nightAngelxxootickletickle