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500 Ways to Kill a Cat!

Site currently under construction. I'm working on it slowly so just check back from time to time. YES IT IS TAKING FOREVER TO COMPLETE BUT I AM A BUSY MAN! So just enjoy it and if you have suggestions, throw them my way in the forum.



1. Put him in the microwave on high for 5 minutes.
2. Death by firing squad.
3. Put him in prison with a fat black guy named Bubba
4. Throw him off the top of a skyscraper.
5. Put his head in a clamp and tighten it until it pops.
6. Beat him to death with a lead pipe.
7. Feed him some Tuna � la Glass.
8. Throw him into a hive of killer bees.
9. Put him in a vat of hydrochloric acid.
10. Make him eat nothing but his own feces until he dies.
11. Chop his head off with an axe.
12. Smash him with a sledge hammer.
13. Tie cinder blocks to his feet and throw him into a lake.
14. Throw him into the path of a fat crippled man's wheelchair.
15. Put a steaming hot turkey on his head.
16. Play basketball with him using him as the ball.
17. Put him on an inner tube in the middle of a lake with nothing to eat.
18. Put him in a box, freeze it, and send it to Japan.
19. Put him in a hamster ball and throw it into the washer.
20. Tie his limbs up so he forms a ball, then play kickball with him.
21. Put him in a meat slicer. (The kind from a deli)
22. Seal him in a tupperware container and send it to be recycled.
23. Bury him alive, so people in the future will have cat fossils.
24. Put his feet in wet cement, let it dry, and don't put any food near him.
25. Clamp a car battery to his tongue and turn it on.
26. Cook him in an easy bake oven.
27. Tie him to the front of a crash test car.
28. Death by lethal injection.
29. Shove his claws into a wall outlet.
30. Drown him in a toilet bowl.
31. Hang him by the neck until dead.
32. Tie him to a tree and use him for dart practice.
33. Cut him to bits with a chainsaw.
34. Fell a giant tree on top of him.
35. Shove him up your girlfriend's ass.
36. Throw him out of a skydiving plane with no parachute.
37. Roll over him with a steamroller.
38. Put him in a pit and stone him to death.
39. Shove a bottle rocket up his butt.
40. Tap his head with a hammer until it cracks.
41. Shoot him out of a cannon.
42. Perform off-road open heart surgery on him.
43. Tase him to death.
44. Lower him into a vat of boiling water.
45. Run over him with an 18-wheeler.
46. Throw him into a wood chipper.
47. Give him to a chinese restaurant.
48. Hang him from a tree and tell little kids he is a pi�ata.
49. Bury him up to his neck and run over him with a lawnmower.
50. Circumcise him with a rusty nail.
51. Throw him to the lions.
52. Put him in a cage with 5 rabid mongooses.
53. Smash a metal folding chair over his head.
54. Keelhaul him on your pirate ship.
55. Make him walk the plank.
56. Tie him to a wagon and roll it down a mountain.
57. Put him in an air-locked container and drop it into a lake.
58. Feed it C-4 and blow him up from the inside.
59. Pour acid on him bit by bit until he burns away.
60. Pour honey on him and put him in the woods for the bears.
61. Tie him to a lot of balloons and let him fly.
62. Give him so many laxatives that he craps out his organs.
63. Put draino in his water bowl.
64. Pour hot tar on him, so it dries and he is stuck to the ground and dies.
65. Pour boiling sweet and sour sauce on him.
66. Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, then bust off his head.
67. Stab him over and over until he dies.
68. Make him sumo wrestle with a fat guy.
69. Behead him with a guillotine.
70. Feed him to a horde of orcs.
71. Feed him to a giant squid.
72. Run him through with your pirate sword.
73. Raise him up the mast with the Jolly Roger.
74. Make him get scurvy, then pull his gums out.
75. Make him sit through a math class at my school. This is worse than death.
76. Tie his tail to a pole and play tetherball with him.
77. Cook him with a blow dryer.
78. Iron him into a flat kitty.
79. Give him tuna with arsenic in it.
80. Launch him into space and throw him out the airlock with no suit.
81. Launch him into the sun.
82. Coat him in alpo and put him in a kennel with 5 German Shepherds.
83. Get sandpaper, and buff his face off until his brains fall out.
84. Put him in a car, and blow the car up with a car bomb.
85. Light some weed in his ass and smoke him like a bong.
86. Shoot him with a BB gun for a few days.
87. Stuff him in your floppy drive and delete his insides.
88. Throw him off of the top of the Statue of Liberty.
89. Shove a shotgun up his ass and fire.
90. Make him drink nitroglycerin, then shake him up.
91. Make him sniff a marker until he goes braindead.
92. Fill him up with liquor, and make a walking Molotov Cocktail.
93. Put him in a pile of fire ants and tie him down so he can't get away.
94. Jump on his face with a pogo stick.
95. Cut open his side then dip him in a shark tank.
96. Crucify him.
97. Jam a red hot poker in his eye.
98. Skin him alive.
99. Get an old lady to beat him to death with a baseball bat.
100. Give him to the goatse guy.
101. Shove sharpened pencils into his rectum.
102. Cut his stomach open then baste him in his own digesive juices.
103. Shove him up duck-boy's ass.
104. Impale him on a hardened piece of dog feces.
105. Break every bone in his body with a wrench.
106. Feed him nothing but Kool-Aid powder until he dies.
107. Stretch him out and use him as a trampoline.
108. Tear him apart and eat him raw.
109. Douse him in gasoline and light him up!
110. Shoot him with your .45.
111. Throw him into an active volcano.
112. Shove some wires up his ass, plug them in, and use him as a lamp.
113. Batter him up and deep fry him.
114. Make him drink paint thinner.
115. Use an electric drill and drill him full of holes.
116. Hit him in the ribs with a pickaxe.
117. Feed him a whole pack of alka-seltzer then give him water.
118. Strangle him to death.
119. Play Viking vs. Ninja with him as the ninja.
120. Send him through a mine field with no minesweeper.
121. Place a bounty on him so a bounty hunter kills him.
122. Swing him around by the tail until his spine rips out.
123. Put land mines in his litter box.
124. Line up three cats sideways side by side, and shoot an arrow through all three to make a kitty kabob.
125. Feed him only salt until he dehydrates and dies.
126. Throw him into the spinning blades of a helicopter.
127. Tie him to the top of a hot air balloon, and send it up into the stratosphere!
128. Put him between fat people and a buffet line.
129. Cook him in one of those industrial pressure cookers.
130. Sacrifice him to Baal.
131. Shove a whole loaf of bread in his throat and make him choke to death.
132. Club him to death with your shoe.
133. Get a fat woman to sit on his head.
134. Dip him in chocolate and put him out at a buffet.
135. Coat him in steel and put him on top of a tall building during a lightning storm.
136. Slit his throat with his own claws.
137. Cram him in a blender and turn it on 'liquify'.
138. Roast him like a Thanksgiving turkey.
139. Cook him on your barbecue pit.
140. Throw him in a tank of hungry piranhas.
141. Turn him inside out using only a pair of pliers.
142. Seal his windpipe off with vice-grips.
143. Bury him in a vat of ice cream up to his neck and watch him freeze.
144. Shove one of those little cocktail umbrellas down his throat and open it.
145. Suck his insides out with that little vacuum hose the dentist has.
146. Feed him bread until he can't crap anymore and dies of constipation.
147. Cram him in your Nintendo and play him to death!
148. Toss him through a jet engine.
149. Give him paper cuts on the neck until his head comes off.
150. Put him in a vat of your favorite soft drink until he dissolves from the acid.
151. Spray him down with a super soaker full of acid.
152. Tie him to a sumo wrestler's stomach right before a match.
153. Hang him with a rope woven from his own shedded fur.
154. Put him in the monkey cage at the zoo and let him get pelted with feces to death.
155. Bake him into a cake.
156. Roll him flat with a rolling pin.
157. Make him smoke pot until his brain no longer functions.
158. Play plastic surgeon with him and add/remove various body parts.
159. Rape him to death.
160. Wear him as a hat.
161. Send him to Mercury and let him bake in the sun.
162. Feed him Crisco every day until he dies of clogged arteries.
163. Choke him to death on any small defenseless animals he kills.
164. Make a real life 'Frogger' game with him.
165. Use him for skeet shooting instead of a clay pigeon.
166. See how many times you can bounce him in the air with your revolver.
167. Put his tail in a vice and light the building on fire.
168. Lure him to a valley and start a stampede, Lion King style.
169. Sell him to the Chinese fur industry.
170. Give him to Al Qaeda and let them train him into a suicide bomber.
171. Shout insults at him and fill him with self doubt until he commites suicide.
172. Steal his kidney and put him in a tub full of ice.
173. Let him ride the roller coaster without putting down the safety rail.
174. Encourage him to join a street gang so he gets shot by some nigger.
175. Dare him to spend the night in the haunted mansion up on the hill.
176. Give him a job in your gunpowder factory and let him work by candlelight at night.
177. Put him on the wall with the balloons at one of those dart throwing stands at carnivals.
178. Play catch with him using a cinder block instead of a ball.
179. Tape a sign to him that says "I ate 3 ounces of weed" and let him loose in the ghetto.
180. Put him in the New Orleans Superdome in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina.
181. Take him scuba diving and fill his oxygen tank with carbon monoxide.
182. Let him drink from the fire hose.
183. Toss him into the pit in a portable toilet.
184. Give him to one of those crazy old ladies with a billion other cats, where he will be malnourished and live in his own feces until he is cannibalized by other cats. This way he also gets a brief cameo on the Animal Planet channel.


That's all for now, I'll finish this later.

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This website constructed by Malkon. Original idea of '500 Ways to Kill a Cat' by Captain Sloth. Thanks to JMo the Lesser for a great deal of help in thinking of ways. Thanks also to: Bullwyf and Link for helping think of ways. Last updated October 25, 2005. Updates: Added ways 171-180. Until next time kiddies, have a nice day, and remember to sign the guestbook.