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 == REPORTED BY THE DAILY SHOW ================================= 02/06/2001

Get your constitutionally-protected abortions while you still can, ladies,
because former Senator John Ashcroft has been confirmed by a 58-42 vote to
bring his God-fearin' ways to the post of Attorney General of the United
States. Female senators in particular were pleased with the historic number
of votes against the nominee, stating, "We're now confidant that Mr. Ashcroft
will at least pause for a second before telling us what we can and can't do
with our bodies."

After the vote, Senators Ted Kennedy and Chuck Schumer talked about the
message they hoped Democrats delivered. That message: They're powerless.
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton opposed the nomination saying Ashcroft's views
place him outside the mainstream of American legal thought, which,
coincidentally, is where the Clintons have been conducting their private
lives for the past 8 years.

Today's vote, which took several hours, would normally only take 15 minutes
but was held up to allow one representative to return a funeral... presumably
a funeral for Civil Liberties and Women's Rights.