Bill: Hi, I'm Bill Maher, or rather now you can call me
Reverend Bill.
You see, this week, George Bush announced that the government is
going to start handing out money to faith-based institutions.
So I decided to become one.
And --
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
[ Applause ]
Yeah.
Hey, you know what?
It's great!
I mean, not only is the separation of church and state so 18th
century, but who can turn down free government money?
Especially now that they've stopped paying for overseas abortions --
[ Light laughter ]
--
I've gotta make up the shortfall somehow.
So I sent my money into one of the best cybertheology
university/websites there is, and I'm proud to say I am now a
Reverend --
a man of the cloth.
It's Prada.
You like?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Anyway, the name of my church is the Seventh Day Prespopopian
Latter Day Sons --
[ Laughter ]
--
of Christ the Enabler.
[ Laughter ]
Now, we call it "Enabler," because we believe that since Christ
died for our sins anyway, might as well help ourselves and enjoy.
Somebody paid the tab, why argue?
Whatever sins you commit, you can just say, "Sorry!"
You know, like you forgot your wallet.
As a Reverend in this church, I will lead by example and sin as
much as I possibly can.
And then when I'm caught, I will profess we are all sinners and
hope that my loved ones take me back as fast as Jesse Jackson's wife did.
[ Audience ohhs ]
[ Applause ]
Please.
Come on.
What was that?
Two days?
I've been in the doghouse longer for forgetting a chick's birthday.
[ Laughter ]
So, you see, being a Reverend is a great gig, so please send me
money --
or just send it to George Bush, he'll get it to me --
care of "Church of the Enabler."
We welcome all denominations, but especially 50s and 100s.
[ Laughter ]
And, remember, whatever you did, come in, I will forgive you,
just like that.
You cannot be denied.
And no waiting on lines for confessionals.
I don't have to hear a big story and a lot of mea culpas.
You did it, you're sorry.
I get it, you're gone.
Good-bye!
[ Laughter ]
And never forget, there is a big difference between faith-based
and religious.
What is it?
Well, Dick Cheney is faith-based.
Joe Lieberman, on the other hand, is religious.
>>> Ladies and gentlemen,
the star of
"Politically Incorrect" --
Bill Maher!
[ Applause ]
Bill: All right, let us meet our panel.
He is the host of "The O'Reilly Factor," his very own show on the
Fox News Channel, the book, audio and CDs in stores everywhere now --
Mr. Bill O'Reilly.
Bill!
[ Cheers and applause ]
O'Reilly: Hey, Bill.
Nice to see you again.
Bill: Okay.
Now, as you know, we had an eBAY auction.
The winner of that auction is here tonight.
He is a wealth adviser --
[ Bill chuckling ]
--
an Ohio native, a philanthropist --
he is now, he gave 47
grand to my charity --
and his poster of himself --
[ Cheers and applause ]
--
is on sale at Howard Austin --
we have to plug whatever people
have --
Galleries in Miami Beach, Mr. Darrin Farrow.
Darrin.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nice to meet you.
Darrin: Nice to meet you.
Bill: I guess he thought he was on "Gay Line."
[ Laughter ]
Okay, a splendid actress, she is one of the fine stars of "The
Wedding Planner," in theaters everywhere --
Bridgette Wilson-Sampras!
Bridgette.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey.
Pleasure to have you here.
Thank you very much.
And he is the spontaneous star of "Whose Line is it Anyway" and
the eponymous star of "The Drew Carey Show" Wednesdays at 9:00
right here on ABC --
Drew Carey!
[ roaring cheers and applause ]
A deafening round of applause.
Drew, what do you think of that, huh?
Are you getting a little wood there?
[ Laughter ]
Darrin: I think I'm on the wrong set.
I thought this was "Fight Club 2."
Bill: Okay, well --
so, now, I thanked you.
First of all, you paid $47,000.
You must be doing awfully well in your day job.
Darrin: I do very well.
Bill: Whatever that is.
You're a model and a financial planner.
Darrin: Correct.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: And that's what people want in their financial planner --
abs.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, what we did is we auctioned off this seat on the
internet, as people know, and you paid $47,000 for it.
And I'm not trying to be picky here, but, you know, I'm not an
internet guy.
Mostly I think --
and this sort of feeds into my point --
is
because I think it's about ego, the internet.
I think it's about people just wanting to share more than the
rest of us really need to have shared with.
You know?
Websites with people's diaries --
who cares?
E-mail, "Hi, every thought I ever had in my head, I'd like to
share it now."
[ Laughter ]
What happened to the days when diaries were under lock and key?
Now people get pissed off if you don't read their diary.
I don't want to know every thought that's in everybody's mind.
O'Reilly: But I agree with you.
First of all, I'm computer illiterate.
And I think that the people who really get absorbed in this lose
sight of what's going on outside.
They don't know what the weather is.
I mean, they just get so absorbed in it.
There's something almost frightening about it.
Bill: Very frightening.
Drew: I think you're allowed to go on and look for whatever
you want on the internet.
If you want to read somebody's diary, if you want to see pictures
of somebody's day, you know, so what?
That's your prerogative.
Bill: Why would you, Drew?
Drew: I don't know.
I don't know why people do a lot of things they do.
But, you know, what the hell do I have to do with it?
Bridgette: Although, it's also different, because it's one
thing if you're going on looking at all these things.
There's also another thing --
like I sign on to write E-mails to friends.
And it allows me to just go just go, "Hey, how are you?" and not
get into a 30-minute conversation.
So it makes it so much simpler to actually keep in touch with
people that, otherwise, I wouldn't.
Which has nothing to do with all the other things that I think
are weird on there that people have, as far as sites and the
different things that they write about.
Darrin: But if you don't like the site, you just don't go to
that site.
Bill: I know, but why --
Drew: If somebody wants to start --
some chick wants to start
a college dorm room cam, good.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I wanna know what happened in your day.
O'Reilly: He's rethinking the internet thing.
Bill: No.
O'Reilly: He's rethinking the internet thing.
You can see him going --
"Dorm room thing?"
Bill: But what does it say about the world when people think
that they have to share every bit of their, you know, interior
monologue, really?
And there's a reason why it's called an "interior" monologue,
because it should stay interior.
I mean, you used to have talent before you were published.
O'Reilly: Dude, you're gonna put Oprah Winfrey out of business.
What are you doing?
And it's a logical extension of what we do on television, because
everybody says everything on television breaks down, and then the
audience is mesmerized.
So now, because everybody can't be on television, they can all be
on the Internet.
And that's what happened.
It's an extension of television, right over into your own little screen.
Bill: I disagree.
[ Applause ]
O'Reilly: That's what happened.
Bill: You and you and me --
we all had to work really hard to
get on television.
O'Reilly: Well, see, we get paid.
They don't.
They're paying.
That's the difference.
We get paid to be on television, so our hard work paid off.
But they can be stars in their own living room, just going like this.
You know, those chat rooms are insidious.
Have you ever seen --
Drew: Yeah, but they're not making a lot of money, and not a
lot people are signing onto those things, are they?
Bill: Well, you're making a lot of money.
Drew: Yeah.
I'm doing all right.
[ Laughter ]
Darrin: So, Bill, you wanted to say, some things you can put
on the internet, some things you can't or --
?
Bill: I'm just making a point about ego.
I know you're the wrong guy to say that to.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
But, I mean, we --
we've been on a long time, and nobody came on here ever without a shirt.
That's all I --
[ Laughter ]
Drew: Well, look at that, you know --
Darrin: You got two guys from Cleveland here.
You know, after the break, we --
Drew: No, no.
[ Laughter ]
O'Reilly: What Darrin's doing is --
and I'll give you my tie, if you want.
But what Darrin is doing is what America's all about, okay?
He uses ingenuity to get on a program, and his wallet, all right?
He knows he's got one shot on this program, so he's exploiting it
to make a big splash.
And, hopefully, this'll pay back the $47,000 that he gave you,
'cause some guy will say, "You know, I'm gonna hire that Darrin
to be a --
you know, a rock group guy."
And see what I mean?
So he's doing what Americans have always done, used their
ingenuity.
Drew: And I'm proud to say Hollywood hasn't affected him at all.
[ Applause ]
Bill: All right.
We'll take a break.
We'll come back.
That's an interesting theory, Bill.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Announcer: Join us next week from our nation's Capitol, when
Bill's guests will include --
Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, former presidential candidate
Ralph Nader, country star Naomi Judd and California Senator
Barbara Boxer.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: All right.
Come on, get a shot of the --
there he is.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Drew: I hope I'm not distracting anybody.
Bill: Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Drew: Yeah!
Bill: I wondered where you went during the break.
Okay.
It's like "Temptation Island."
Who do I pick?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, anyway, I know you're a Clinton-hater, and, Bill, you're a
Clinton-hater.
O'Reilly: No, I'm not --
no.
Bill: You're not a Clinton-hater?
O'Reilly: I am not.
I am a journalist who --
[ Laughter ]
--
examines the facts, don't hate anybody.
Bill: Yeah, you do.
You hate Bill Clinton.
I've heard you time and again.
And I certainly would not defend him over the pardons.
O'Reilly: I'm shocked!
Really?!
Because you like the guy.
Bill: I do like the guy, and I defended him about impeachment,
which was preposterous.
Let's not get back into that.
But, I wouldn't defend --
many of times I've attacked him
policy-wise, and I certainly wouldn't defend him over these pardons.
He literally pardoned everybody and his brother --
literally.
[ Laughter ]
Roger was part of it.
But, you know, it still seems to me that the Republicans, now
that they've taken over, only have one idea yet, which is "Bill
Clinton is evil."
I mean, he's out of office.
Darrin: Hold on, hold on.
I respect Clinton --
I mean, I hope that I have friends like
that, that if I was in trouble, they would do something to help me.
I think the problem is giving one person the position as judge and jury.
I would like --
I would hope someone would do that for me if I
was in trouble, and I think any President would do the same for a
family or a friend.
Why give any one individual that power?
That's the problem.
Bill: Especially when he's gonna pardon this roster of
scumbags that he pardoned.
Marc Rich,
I'm sure you're aware.
O'Reilly: Oh, very, very aware.
Bill: Mel Reynolds, he gave a commutation --
you know who this is?
Drew: "What, did I hit the lotto?"
That was his big quote when he found out he was gonna get
together with a 16-year-old.
Bill: Right, he was --
Drew: "What, did I hit the lotto?"
Bill: He was in Congress he had --
[ Laughter ]
He had sex with a 16-year-old.
Bridgette: Oh, that's okay.
O'Reilly: That was five years older than Monica, right?
Bill: Yeah?
[ Silence ]
[ Laughter ]
O'Reilly: Just want the record to show.
Bill: I think the hate's coming out.
O'Reilly: Just the facts.
I'm like the Jack Webb of journalism --
"just the facts."
Bill: You know, John Ashcroft got confirmed yesterday.
O'Reilly: And he didn't mess around with any 16-year-olds.
Bill: Wait a second.
But he lied about sex before a committee, okay?
He said that he didn't negate the vote for James Hormel as
ambassador to Luxembourg simply because he was gay.
Now, you know that's a lie.
So he lied about sex before a committee.
What's the difference between that and Bill Clinton?
Drew: Can I say this about John Ashton real quick?
Bill: Ashcroft?
Drew: Ashcroft, yeah, I'm sorry.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: And by the way, you're under arrest.
Go ahead.
Drew: I'm sorry, if you're watching, call me.
Bill: Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I guess the point --
[ Laughter ]
--
I'm trying to make is that, what Bill Clinton is doing, not
admirable, but not worse than what his opponents do --
way better.
Drew: You think that we should just let him go when he pardons
some guy for a million-dollar pardon for 1 million bucks, that
does something like that?
Bill: Well, yeah, as opposed to George Bush using rolling
blackouts as an excuse to destroy the wilderness and give
paybacks to the people who financed his campaign?
Well, yeah, I think that's bigger thing.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Drew: I'd say point the nonpartisan finger everywhere you want to.
You shouldn't let this guy off the hook, just 'cause he's out of
office right now.
You know, if he does something rotten, you should tell him.
You know, get him on it.
Bill: So we should go after him?
O'Reilly: Yeah, sure.
Drew: Clinton, yeah.
O'Reilly: Absolutely investigate it.
Bill: Investigate Bill Clinton more?
O'Reilly: It hasn't been done enough.
Drew: You should at least be allowed to complain about it.
It's something worth complaining about.
O'Reilly: Look, if $1 million changed hands, okay, don't you
want to know about it?
Bill: Yes, but it's the $1 million that I'm more concerned
that's coming from Exxon, Mobile, Halliburton --
these are the
people who now own this government.
[ Applause ]
O'Reilly: We'll do it all.
Clean it up.
Clean it up.
Bill: Yes?
Darrin: The politician --
the politicians, they get the money from the deep pockets.
They get it from the corporations, the wealthy individuals.
They take it, they use it to spend millions to campaign.
And in the campaign, they're making promises to people who are
not giving them the money.
And who do you think they're gonna take care of first as soon as
they're in office?
They're lying to the people.
Bill: Yes, you have grasped the essence of our campaign
finance system.
[ Laughter ]
No, truly.
O'Reilly: And you're right in the sense that it comes from the right and the
left.
And I believe --
I'm not gonna say that Cheney and Clinton and
Bush are corrupt.
I'll give them the benefit of the doubt for now.
But I believe that none of these guys --
[ Laughter ]
--
none of these guys wanna clean up anything.
They like it the way that it is.
"We can do what we want."
Bill: Of course, that's how they got there.
[ Applause ]
I gotta take a break, 'cause I gotta get some money.
[ Applause ]
[ Applause ]
Bill: All right, we were just talking about Clinton and Bush.
Their economic plans very different.
I mentioned, you're a rich guy, you're a rich guy.
You bought your way here.
You must have a lot of dough.
What do you think of this Bush plan?
Drew: Got bless you, Mr. Bush.
Bill: Really?
Drew: Cut my taxes in half.
Bill: Cut your taxes.
But Al Gore kept saying in the campaign, "It all goes to the
richest 1%."
Drew: You know what?
It goes --
rich people spend money, you know?
Every time you buy something --
[ Light laughter ]
I'd say that's a good thing.
The more that people spend money in this country, the better it is.
When you buy a car, it gives money to the car salesman, the car
company, the people that build the car.
It doesn't matter whether it's a K-car or a Porsche.
Bill: But that's the trickle-down theory.
And, you know, anyone who's getting a trickle --
[ Laughter ]
"Ooh, honey, we're getting a little drop there."
[ Laughter ]
The rich people are --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Drew: Remember the yacht tax, when they had a luxury tax on yachts?
Bill: yes.
Drew: And all these guys that built yachts, that were the
construction kind and stuff, were out of work.
You know, that was the trickle.
They got put out of work.
Bill: Oh, no!
Not the yachtmakers!
[ Laughter ]
Those fine craftsmen?
Drew: There's regular guys that do woodworking and do --
Bill: People who make gold faucets --
unemployed.
Drew: So what?
Who cares what they make if they have a job?
Why do you make this class distinction?
Darrin: You got people who are paying 50% taxes, and you're
gonna give a cut to people that are paying 15% and 28%, when the
people that are paying the highest tax bracket, either they,
their father or their grandfather busted their butt with sweat
equity for years building a corporation to create jobs to get
into that high tax bracket.
At the next Olympics, why don't we take the fastest qualifier --
now, wait a minute.
Let's take the fastest qualifier, all right?
The fastest qualifier in the Olympics, why don't we start him
about a quarter mile behind the other guys, 'cause he worked too
hard to have that fastest time.
Let's put everybody on the same line there, okay?
[ Applause ]
Who do you think's creating the jobs?
Who do you think's creating the jobs?
It's the guys that are running the businesses that are paying the taxes.
Bill: Yeah.
Bridgette: Yeah.
Although the other thing is, you were saying that Gore's the one
who says it's only for the top 1%.
Bush isn't coming out and saying, "Oh, this is only to help a
certain amount of people."
My only one thing is he just became President.
Like, give him a chance.
If it's wrong, we've never had problems raising taxes in this country.
So, you know, if it doesn't work, you do this.
But at least give him a chance to prove --
he's not saying, "I'm only intending to help one group of people."
He's actually saying it's going to help everyone.
If he's wrong --
Bill: Except that we tried this plan once before, this, you
know what?
If we give --
Bridgette: Not with Bush.
Bill: Under the other Bush.
Drew: Yeah, but I was poor then.
Bill: Under daddy Bush.
Right, you were poor then.
Drew: I was poor then.
I worked hard to get rich, so I wouldn't have to --
you know, now
they're screwing me, 'cause I'm successful.
I can't stand it.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: I know they've literally taken the shirt off your back, Drew.
Drew: Yes, they have.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: But, you're not exactly peeing in a cup these days.
Drew: No, I'm not.
O'Reilly: But, Bill, the essential question is, does the
government have a right to come in and take 60% of your income?
Do they have that right?
Bill: 60%?
O'Reilly: 60%.
If you add state, local, gas --
everything you pay --
it comes up
to 60 out of the dollar.
Darrin: When you die, tax it another 50% to your heirs.
O'Reilly: 200 years ago, we would have taken Al Gore and the
boys and thrown them right in the Boston Harbor.
They would have been tarred, feathered and, "Hey, Al!"
"Whoa!"
Right in the Boston Harbor, because America was founded on
self-reliance.
We don't want the government taking what we have, even if we have a lot.
That's how the country was founded.
Now I say, if you wanna be Romania, let's have a vote about it.
But if you want to be capitalism, then you have to be fair.
Flat tax is fair.
[ Applause ]
Bill: Okay, we gotta take a break.
Bill: All right.
I want to thank you for giving $47,000 to my favorite charity.
[ Applause ]
O'Reilly: Very good.
Bill: I want to thank you for taking your shirt off.
Even when you came here, you have a cold, you're not feeling
well, and you still, in this freezing theater, took your shirt off.
Drew: Just for a gag.
Bill: That is a man who likes to get a laugh.
[ Applause ]
Why can't the government get off his back?!
Leave the man a few hundred million dollars.
Monday we're gonna be in Washington, D.C.
We have Joe Lieberman, Vice Presidential Candidate,
representative Billy Tauzin, Representative Joanne Emerson and
a player to be named later.
[ Cheers and applause ]
