March 1, 2001

Ah, but I do love a challenge. Hours in front of this fucking computer and still I haven't cracked the frame code yet. I so wish I wasn't one of those people who has to see things to understand them. I wish I didn't have this fucking carpal tunnel thing too. Errrgh Pain, Pain. Today was my day to feel like a big fat failure, reading other poeple's poetry and fiction, seeing the beautiful things html and java have done for sites with masters who know the code. Add to that me winning tickets to see an amazing singer songwriter tonight, then having to give them to my fucking ex boyfriend for lack of a sitter....what a peach of a day this was. I do feel somewhat redeemed as a mother, refusing even for a free show to keep my kid out past bedtime. I've been pouting all afternoon, scowling at anyone who dares meet my eyes, dramatically resting my head atop the keyboard as I listen (for the millionth time) to a song that still gives me goosbumps, probably at this very moment being picked and crooned gently to the crowd that I belong in. Another quiet night at home in front of the computer screen. I'm beginning to feel more comfortable building this page, and learning new code, than actually having live human interaction. Soon I'll be headed off to California, to visit with the absolute love of my life, and spend and entire week with people. His people. I'm a little scared; will I revert to my sparkling, wittily sarcastic self when I step off the plane? Or will I want to run straight to his bedroom and log on so as to feel acclimated? I imagine myself quipping, you know, you should just go to my webpage, you'll find all you need to know about me there. Certainly would be the easiest way to go. Honestly, isn't that the reason we build these autobiographical playgrounds? Aren't we just too lazy to actually get to know people through the historically draining and difficult human interaction? I know I have now sent 3 friends to this page whom I haven't talked to for more than 15 minutes at a time in months. I want to make it one big all encompassing essay...this is me, here I am, like it or not, sign my guestbook, just don't let me see the boredom/confusion/disgust on your face as you learn who I am in links and images and photographs.

~Uh, OK....~