April 11,2001

I am at the end of my rope. I have to find a way to make work less personal, less of my identity. One of my coworkers today maintained that she doesn't dislike me at all, then proceeded to attack my work product and attitude. Stuff like that, I can't keep separate from my identity, my personality. I know how I should feel, and act in the workplace. I think I'm too isolated from regular people. I spend too much time looking for personal approval and companionship from my coworkers. I feel like I'm a teenager again, and all the popular girls hate me. Jesus Christ I am 30 years old. My parents love me, my daughter thinks I'm wonderful,my boyfriend thinks I'm wonderful-what am I missing, really? Plenty of people work years and years with people who hate them, feeling the same way I do. But I still feel like shit.I feel like if I fail at my job, I lose everything. I guess we'll see tomorrow how this all plays out.

On to more cheerful news, Hannah and I both got our hair cut short today! I'm so much happier now. I felt tethered to my long hair. I think I may even have her cut it a little shorter tomorrow. I hope Hannah never gets tired of being twins with me (right!). We had such a good time today....she makes everything worth it. It's amazing what you become willing to do for your kids. After tomorrow, we have 3 days off together-mom and kid time. I'm beginning to realize the inevitability of her adolesence; I want to have as much of her as I can before I stop being the coolest mom ever.

It's true that if you don't write every day, you become shittier at it. Not that I wasn't shitty before. But it's not lost on me that these last few are the worst of the worst. So sue me. It's my journal.

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