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Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport." Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And Johnny Kennedy, who was more than a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. I may be a pervert, but I'm also a realist. I know that if the economy was going down the crapper, I'd-a been out on my fat ass after the '96 election. But I'm a lucky pervert-the economy is hotter than Paula Jones in a leather teddy. So think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine. A man was stranded on an island for two years, and of course, two years without sex would just about kill a man. But one day he looks out over the ocean and spies a ship. He begins to jump up and down proclaiming, ''Ship!, Ship!, I'm saved!'' Then he starts fantasizing, saying, ''I bet there's a hot, busty blonde on board with a round shapely ass and smooth legs.'' Just then he gets a throbbing hard on. So he begins to masturbate furiously, and he looks down at his dick and says,''I've got you now you little bastard, there is no ship!''' What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow-job while he was driving? They both fell off the motorcycle Analysis of the ''F'' Word Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “fuck.” Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: 1) Surprise -- “What the fuck are you doing here?” 2) Fraud -- “I got fucked by the car dealer.” 3) Resignation -- “Oh, fuck it!” 4) Trouble -- “I guess I'm fucked now.” 5) Aggression -- “FUCK YOU!” 6) Disgust -- “Fuck me.” 7) Confusion -- “What the fuck...?” 8) Difficulty -- “I don't understand this fucking business!” 9) Despair -- “Fucked again....” 10) Pleasure -- “I fucking couldn't be happier.” 11) Displeasure -- “What the fuck is going on here?” 12) Lost -- “Where the fuck are we?” 13) Disbelief -- “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!” 14) Retaliation -- “Up your fucking ass!” 15) Denial -- “I didn't fucking do it.” 16) Perplexity -- “I know fuck-all about it.” 17) Apathy -- “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?” 18) Greetings -- “How the fuck are ya?” 19) Suspicion -- “Who the fuck are you?” 20) Panic -- “Let's get the fuck out of here.” 21) Directions -- “Fuck off.” 22) Awe -- “How the fuck did you do that?” It can be used in an anatomical description -- “He's a fucking asshole.” It can be used to tell time -- “It's five fucking thirty.” It can be used in business -- “How did I wind up with this fucking job?” It can be maternal -- “Motherfucker.” It can be political -- “Fuck Clinton!” It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: “What the fuck was that?” -- Mayor of Hiroshima “Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” -- General Custer “That's not a real fucking gun, is it?” -- John Lennon “Who's gonna fucking find out?” -- Richard Nixon “Why the fuck did that apple hit me?” -- Issac Newton “Heads are going to fucking roll.” -- Marie Antoinette “I could have used a fucking map.” -- Ulysses “Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” -- Captain of the Titanic “Any fucking idiot could understand that.” -- Albert Einstein “It DOES SO fucking look like her!” -- Picasso “Okay, I know... we'll build this BIG fucking wall to keep them out.” -- Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty “I can't believe I just fucking said that.” -- Patrick Henry “Fucking backstabbers!” -- Julius Caesar “You want what on the fucking ceiling?” -- Michelangelo “Fellatio is not fucking!” -- Bill Clinton “Where is that fucking pizza guy?” -- Elvis “Why? Because its fucking there!” -- Sir Edmund Hilary “I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?” -- Joan of Arc “Scattered fucking showers my ass.” -- Noah “I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” -- John F. Kennedy “What are the fucking chances I'm going to heaven?” -- Adolf Hitler “Hey, where the fuck are your turbans?” -- Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.