This page is written in the style of a thought sheet from one of my notebooks. It probably should have been written in a notebook
instead of here, but I just cannot bring myself to open up the notebook. So I am writing this here. The words in italics are things that pop
into my mind when I am writing, and have nothing to do with the dream itself. Just random thoughts -- a few lines from songs and a memory or two.
It was only a dream.....
That's what I try to tell myself... it was only a dream.
I don't want to dream anymore
I had a dream a few days ago... I woke up in tears with a feeling of relief along with a feeling of sadness that I am at a loss to describe.
They're all gone... gone. The memories remain.
Chained to the pictures ... they're gone...
In the dream, I was living in a house that was supposed to be my parent's house, but it bore no resemblance to any house I have ever lived in. A friend was staying there with me, and we were both sleeping in beds that were lined up against the windows in the living room. I remember looking at the dusty window sill realizing that I had really let things get out of hand with the housecleaning, and promising myself that I would get the house cleaned up.
My parents had left a few days ago to go visit my dad's family. I remembered watching them leave, and feeling a sense of dread. But my dad was in a hurry to get going so I said good-bye to them quickly, and watched the red truck leave the driveway.
I opened the back door, playfully hugging the dog came up to greet me. 'I have to get the dog fed,' I thought to myself as I closed the door. My friend mentioned the house getting a little dusty, and I said something about cleaning it. I was distracted by worry. My mom still had not called me. Her cell phone was sitting on the counter. My mom had been in a car accident before she left with my dad, and the police had found the cell phone and brought it to me. 'She doesn't have her cell phone,' I thought to myself, 'that is why she isn't calling.'
All at once felt at loss
A couple of days later, when my mom still had not called, I found myself staring at her broken cell phone again wondering why I had not heard from her or my dad. Then the realization hit me - my dad had a cell phone and my mom could use that to call me. Even if she didn't have a cell phone, my mom would find a way to call me. Something was wrong.
I looked over at my friend and said, "My mom still hasn't called me. I am starting to think something bad has happened."
My friend replied, "I have been thinking that for a while, but I didn't want to say anything."
I picked up my cell phone and called my dad's phone. But my dad didn't answer. Instead, I heard the voice mail recording. I hung up without leaving a message, and called a number that would tell me whether or not my dad had been using his cell phone. The voice on the other end said that his phone had not been used in several days. I saw a horrible image in my mind of the red truck laying on its side just off the road.
.... it's all gone wrong... it's all gone wrong....
I tried to call one of my dad's sisters, but I dialed my brother's number instead...
"It's me... are you sitting down? I have some bad news... please, you have to be sitting down.... mom is dead. I came over to her house tonight, and found her laying on the couch... "
I quickly hung up the phone before he answered and tried to dial the number again, but my brother saw my number on the caller ID and called me back. I told him I was worried. Then I called my dad's sister. "Have you heard from my mom or dad?"
"No." She sounded angry, I figured it was because they were supposed to be there and hadn't shown up or called her.
"I haven't heard from them in several days," I told her as I choked back the tears, "I think something bad has happened."
She didn't say anything, but I could hear her crying.
The dream moved forward to me sitting on the couch in tears with people all around me mourning my parent's passing. I began to wonder how I was supposed to deal with all this? I didn't know how to change the house over into my name, I didn't know how to take care of all my parent's stuff. How was I supposed to do this?
That was when I woke up to the sad realization that they were really gone. I had gotten through all the mess with probate and everything else, but they were gone. It was horrible mix of feeling relieved that I didn't have to live through the aftermath of their passing again, and a deep sadness and grief.
How can all that I feel
Become all that I am
It's just pictures of you
And I can't understand
How something so real
Turns to dust in my hands
The dream still haunts me. I can't get over this feeling. On March 2nd it will be 10 years exactly since my mom died, and about 17 1/2 years since my dad died. I still miss them so much...
I cry, pictures of you
I cry, pictures of you
They're gone forever, they're gone forever, they're gone.
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Lines from "The Empty Place" and "Pictures of You" copyright Mary Valley 1997, 2003 and, 1999, 2008
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