So I came back to boring, boring Provo. I did get my car and my computer and root beer.. but I miss Russia. I endured two and a half weeks of this until Tuesday, when school finally started. Now I'm back to the busy life. Но я изменилась, и даже если я живу в США, моё сердце живёт в России. As my facebook profile says, my only goals now are to gain weight, get a job, and find a way back to Russia.
I'm just glad to say that I'm happy again. Rereading these entries from last October and November, I see this miserable girl just trying to make it through. Now I see how awesome life really is. I got rid of the things holding me down, keeping me unhappy, and now I feel free and just excited about what I have ahead of me. I didn't have that last year. Whether it be going back to Russia for an internship next summer, spending all my money traveling the world, or just finishing my wonderfully thrilling advertising major here at BYU, I've got a future in front of me. And it's exciting.
11.26.05 It's funny how a bit of sleep and food can make the world of difference. So my mom woke me up this morning asking if I wanted to go up to Park City to chill with my cousins at their house. I very much love my cousins, so despite the early hour, I agreed. After a long detour in Bountiful, we made it and I cuddled with Ashley for a long time. Anyway, we all hung out and went out to dinner, and after some tomato soup, steak, mashed potatoes, carrots, a bite of Uncle Arch's buffalo (medium rare, ah!), and a wonderful chocolate cake dessert, I feel much better. There is yet hope for the anorexics!
11.25.05 I've been trying to get to sleep for the past twenty minutes or so, but for some reason I just can't. While I was lying there, I was thinking about all the things I have to do before school starts again on Monday and all my other various worries. Then I just realized, plainly and surely, I am not happy. I get angry easily, I'm always stressed, I don't feel like spending time with friends or family, and I beat myself up for wasting time. For a while I've been blaming this on my job, on my family, on my roommates, on school, or on anything else. But I haven't realized so clearly until tonight that what it basically comes down to is me. I don't really eat, I get very little sleep, and I spend every other second worrying. These factors, in combination with all the other things going on in my life and a bad case of OCD, have spawned a bit of an eating disorder. My mom and brother were over here tonight joking that I look like someone from the Holocaust or Ethiopia because I'm so skinny, but I still don't really see it. As I write this I'm not totally sure what I mean by all this (it is 2:30 in the morning), but I just know I need to change something.
I think it started when I left the dorms. That's when I started cooking for myself, I started my new job, and I moved into an apartment. Since then I've been so eager to prove that I can make money and support myself, get perfect grades and maintain a social life, and still have time to relax. With this, though, I feel like I've lost my sense of humor and sense of fun, the two things that have always defined me. My brain has slowed down to run on automatic. I'm afraid it and my body will just give up one of these days.
So what am I going to do? For starters, eat. With a little food in me I might have the energy to get some homework done so next week will be less stressful. And then, after the semester is done, hopefully I will have relearned happiness in time for Christmas.
11.20.05 I have contracted the condition most humans and especially singers fear terribly: throat hurtiness. Apparently not eating, not sleeping, being stressed, and doing concert choir stuff every night adds up to more than anorexia. One might think that, on Friday night, when I first felt the pangs of throatal tension, I would have gone straight home and to bed. But staying up until 5 a.m. just seemed like a better idea at the time. Anyway, it gave me an excuse to order pizza for myself last night, go to bed relatively early, and sleep through church and the whole afternoon. Now I'm sitting here updating the website (at the demands of.. people), bobbing my head to my music. Good times. Being sick is kind of like having a bubble around your head. You feel cut off from the rest of the world, you are convinced your facial features have swollen to abnormally large sizes, and you need liquid to keep you afloat. Not that I've ever had a bubble around my head.
I saw Harry Potter yesterday. Yay. It was good, like the third one, and I cried at the sad parts even though I've read the book several times. Oh me. When did all this crying business begin? I keep trying to convince myself that I can be tough and insensitive but then I imagine sad images to test myself, like animals dying, and I get teary again.
Only two days of school before Thanksgiving break! I'm actually kind of glad to not leave Provo. I'm still planning on a Lord of the Rings marathon (extended versions, yes) probably starting early Tuesday evening, then I have 5 wonderfully school-free days to catch up on sleep, food, homework, and alone time. Goody goody. Oh yeah, I thought of more of my OCDs:
11. I have these recurring images that I can't get rid of that I will get my heels, neck, or wrists slit by something, so I can't leave any of those areas easily exposed or I start twitching and freaking out a bit.
12.On the south wall of my bedroom I have three framed pictures and a dry-erase board to the left of them. The pictures are evenly spaced but the dry erase board is just a little to close to that first picture. It seriously drives me insane, BUT..
13. I have a fear that changing things will ruin everything (including my entire life), no matter how small a deal a given "thing" may be.
14. Along with number 12, I have to have symmetry (like for text block spacing on display boards) and balance (like having all non-framed pictures on my walls or all framed pictures, not a mixture).
15. Similar to number 10 below, when I set a timer or an alarm for something it can't be just a regular number like 3 minutes or 8:30. It's always something like 3:04 or 8:27. I'm weird, I know.
10.21.05 There are a few people who, I've figured out, actually do check this website. And before you give up and assume I never write on it anymore, here's a greeting from the insane life of Bethany. That's just what it is--CRAZY. Even during summer I was stressed. This whole having a real job thing is getting to me, I think. In other news, I have officially been diagnosed with OCD. I went to BYU therapy to try and figure out my sudden anxiety attacks, and apparently all those little quirks I have are the result of an actual, psychological disorder. Here are a few:
1. (This is the most serious one:) Assuming that certain people are dead if I can't get ahold of them. (Not just having this as a passing thought, but being 100% convinced of it. For example, I insist that Grayson text messages me as soon as he gets home every night so I know he's alive.)
2. The inability to stop a homework assignment in the middle of it (I just stay up until I finish it). Similarly, if I start doing cleaning or organizing something (like the dishes, my bedroom, etc.), I have to finish.
3. Touching the actual door before I can touch its handle.
4. Obsessing over things I know don't deserve my attention, but I can't help devoting myself to them (some of you may remember the speed and labyrinth phases, tornado days, Hanson days, and Alias August).
5. I can't stand when, at the end of a paragraph, there's only one word on the last line and I can't start a new day of taking notes at the bottom of a page.
6. I have to read magazines starting from the back.
7. When a homework assignment is fill in the blanks, even if I only have to write the missing words, I have to write the whole sentence.
8. I can't wear new clothes right after I buy them.
9. I have to sleep with a pillow between my legs (and with the closet door closed).
10. When I'm exercising and, say, I aim for 50 crunches, I always have to do 3 more, whatever the original number is.
There are other OCDs that I just can't remember at the moment. But anyway, it explains a lot of my stress (since I can't not study enough for a test or not finish homework, even at the cost of sleep and food) and anxiety problems, so it's nice. Oh yeah, I got accepted into the advertising program! I'm very very excited for all the classes and internships and other opportunities. I especially can't wait to get credit for playing around on Photoshop and Illustrator. Grayson has me make ads for his investing stuff, which is a good excuse to play, as well. I've figured out that I have 6 tests before the semester ends, then 3 finals. It's kinda nice to have them all laid out and easy to cross off. I can't wait to be done with Stats! Also coming up: my parents are moving here a week from tomorrow--very weird. I cried on the phone today when my mom said they were only taking one of our two cats, and they're leaving my beloved Spooky. I have thus embarked on the quest to persuade my dad to give in to taking both of them.
Well, sadly, it is a Friday night. The only reason I'm sitting here at my computer is... can you guess?--Grayson is at an investing conference until late tonight. Hence, I will take advantage of this precious free time. I don't really have much of it anymore. Sad day.
02.27.05 In high school, for some reason, I found so much more satisfaction in doing well on a test or paper than hanging out with friends. The girls (and guys) that I knew were cool enough (some cooler than others), but, on the whole, I didn't click with anyone so much that I ever really wanted to spend mass amounts of time with them. So, when graduation day came, I finished with perfect grades, a long list of activities, and all the motivation to take on the world.
Then came college.
Granted, BYU has its roses and its thorns, but there are a couple of people here I've met that it amazes me every second how well we click. So, I want to spend time with these people. The only problem is, I'm taking 17 credits (19 last semester), and I can't afford all that much time for goofing around. But this social interaction quota that has remained unfulfilled for so many years is finally getting its fill, and I, well, like it. Somehow school is less important to me, and it's the weirdest feeling in the world. Then I remember the culture of overachievement in my family and get a little worried. There's this standard of doing well in school, and, in my family, you really have to keep to it. Let's just hope I can gather some motivation quick before I get in too deep.
On a lighter note, life is good! Nothing all that spectacular... I'm just.. happy. I did watch "The Notebook" and changed my whole perspective on love and life, but other than that, it's the yuzhe (short for "usual"). I have a sah-weet apartment set for next year with my girls (ahhh private rooms) and I'm in the process of finding a job somewhere for spring and summer. Ahh freedom...
11.20.04 This is the first Saturday since I've started school that I've had very little homework. How did I spend all my free time? I spent about $35 of dining plus money buying lunch and ice cream for two of my sisters and their 4 kids. Then I came home and played online for hours and hours.. and I continue to play online. I seriously don't know how to deal with free time because I'm so used to not having any.
I am thankful for Thanksgiving. On Tuesday I leave for Bwah-zay (Eagle) for the oh-so-beautifully-long weekend to visit my sister Jen and her family. I am, well, stoked.
Oh, here is a random piece of a conversation with Ben Gardner:
bethisdistracted: well if you're ever looking to lose a few pounds i heard about this great diet
bethisdistracted: it's called anorexia
bethisdistracted: very effective
dodgeballerBG: i tried it
dodgeballerBG: didn't like it very much
dodgeballerBG: i prefer bolemia
dodgeballerBG: that way i get to have my favorite foods
dodgeballerBG: twice
11.11.04 Happy Veteran's Day! Not that BYU celebrates any holidays ever... Well, I gave in to the facebook craze. Look me up, go ahead.
11.08.04 Of course I have absolutely no time to be fiddling around on my web page right now (huge Russian test tomorrow), but I need a break. Today was a really bad day for me. The lack of sleep combined with über homework and a number of a emotional problems makes for a pretty bitter mix. But I did write a song yesterday, and that always makes me feel good. Jordan and HER BOYFRIEND Danny helped me write some lyrics to it. They sound much cooler with the music, trust me :) We've only got two verses and a chorus thus far...
Lost and Found
Love's a mirror, shattered by a touch
Love's a puzzle, restored with just as much
It's always something
This or nothing
Loving, lusting
Fighting, trusting
Faith in seeing you right next to me
Just believing someday you will see
Spinning, running
Hoping, wondering
Looking, finding
Breaking, binding
But I still make believe our happy ending will come true one day
Changing everything you say to me
And I forget the things you put me through
Thinking time will lead me back to you
But all I am is lost and found with you
Hope is tearing down my broken wall
By pretending one day you might call
Sinking slowly
Wishing, knowing
Lying, leaving
Ending, grieving
Tension building from your mystery
My emotions start to drip from me
Running ever
Like a river
Twisting, flowing
Never knowing
But I still make believe our happy ending will come true one day
Changing everything you say to me
And I forget the things you put me through
Thinking time will lead me back to you
But all I am is lost and found with you
For past updates click here.
This is actually the second version of this page. Not too long ago, with all my intellect and carefullness, I deleted the whole page, yes, in its entirety. This makes me, obviously, a complete imbecile. But, anyway, that's the life of a blonde. Take a look around the page. I actually did put a lot of work into it. You probably don't really care, as is the case with many humans. So, in that case, I made this page just to please my Wannabe Designer gene. But there are fun things to do: I have pics, a poll, games, etc. (I used to have a guestbook but SOMEBODY deleted it.) So have fun! : )
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