Long Time no Update!
Ok, last time I signed off before my sister's birthday/halloween party. Exactly five days have passed. I procrastinate too much.

There is still a lot of work to do. To start off with, I have a single's badminton tournament to go to. Not that I'm competing. I just have to help out because afterall, I am the general manager (means that I'm in charge of the staff, not that I do much). The day after that I have a big essay to hand in. A tutorial test is held on the day after the essay's due in. It's gonna be hectic.

Thank God! The final exam timetable is finally posted on the webpage. My sister and my parents were bugging me about that non-stop and as usual, my sis is the lucky one as her exams end earlier than mine and get to go back and spen more days in the warm climate, not that I mind.

Ok, back to the party. It was good overall. The food was good and we had fun, critisizing the horror movies that we rented out. They were supposed to be rated 18A and R. Not that they were scary. The movie on TV, called 'Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight' was way better, it was actually a halloween movie. The rest were just a real bore. Though Wai, a friend of mine, did jump up about a foot in the air everytime some suddenly came up. We stayed up watching the movies until 3. Then they all slept over at my place. The green tea cake was way too good too I think.

The next day, after having lunch, we went downtown to watch 'Scary Movie 3' It was really funny, but it wasn't at all what I would call a great movie. Then I came home. Oh yea, Heidi (my sis's friend) met us downtown before the movie started and watched it with us. It was really nice of her since she only watched it the day before.

That about covers most of the weekend and stuff.

My mood has gotten generally better I think, I'm more optimistic now and I even think I can pass all my courses with good enough grades and that's saying a lot coming from me!

I thought I was doing really bad in english, but I calculated it and it looks as though I'm getting a solid 'c' grade. Of course, I need to do better on that 'big essay' cause I want a 'b' grade. The grade isn't such a big deal in other courses but this is. English is about the only course that I don't wanna lose in.

I'm still not sure about my linguistics course. Of course I'm talking about LINB09, after bombing that midterm. I did do ok to good on everything else, so I think I still have a chance to scrape a pass. That's pretty good I think.

LINB05 is ok, I'm getting a solid 'c' in that class too. Which is good but it also means that I've gotta step it up a notch now. Getting c's all my life means no good, I think that's what most people are trying to tell me. So I guess I really have to do better. I'm still not really sure why though. I haven't come up with my own answer yet.

Anyways, I think that's all I have to say. Oh yea, for the first time, I just finished my first short story. I don't think that it's really any good. Of course, I'll have to reread it and proofread it first and then send to other people to read it and see if they like it or not but that's ok, at least I'm moving along slowly, even if it's at slow as a snail.

Tired, me sleep. Bye.

P.S. I've come to think that people in this world are really into angst, the really melodramatic stuff. I think it captures a lot of readers and makes them unable to put the book down. I'm not sure about male audiences, but I think generally all girls like that type of stuff cause they're always dreaming of their knight in shining armor. The fact that it's suspense plays a big part in it to. (When I say suspense, I mean like 'what's going to happen to their relationship, what's going to happen to these people and stuff)

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I find it hard to work, to concentrate. It's really weird. I know that I really should do something but I can't bring myself to do it. It seems like everything is a bother. The worst thing about this is that there isn't anything I wanna do. I feel like I'm wasting my time and I am.

Like today, I didn't go to any of my classes. Why? because I didn't feel like it. I just wanna escape somewhere.

If I can blame this on something else, it's probably the fact that I've been in school for the fourth term straight. Which means that I've been in school for a whole 12 months now, sitting in the same room, staring at the same old computer, dreaming up the same things.

I'm stuck in a limbo, I'm fully aware of this and yet, I can't escape. What if I can never escape? Will my life be like this forever? That's a horrible thought.

My life here sometimes seems so useless. I guess that's why sometimes I really miss HK and the life I had there. Going back is not the solution though cause by the time I go back everything will have moved on without me.

Of course, that links to the feelings of loneliness that I get from time to time but that's supposed to be normal. Depression should be normal for me too. Don't wanna explain anything now cause it would take too long.

The sadness swells up inside my chest but there is no way for this sadness to escape, because act of crying is beyond me. I don't want leftover pity.

I dunno, I'm feeling tired, as I have been for every single day of the past two weeks. Sometimes I wonder, why am I here? I'm not really needed. What is my purpose? I can't do anything for the world or for anybody else. There isn't anything that I can do.

You made me GOD, what am I to you?

*Sigh*
Not wanting to ruin that great post I did on a great episode of my life, I've decided to post some of the more serious matters that has happened today in a separate post.

I failed my midterm today. It was for a linguistics course. I'm not exactly devastated by it, I mean, I can't expect to be the best, but I do hate failing.

I guess this post will have to be a personal reminder, to remind me to work hard. No matter how much I don't care for it.

On a happier note, I passed my short essay with a C plus. I thought I was going to fail for sure. The big, big essay will be a lot harder though cause the topic is unclear and broad. People tell me that it should be really in depth. So I'm kinda scared.

But I will try really hard working in this english course cause I do care. I enjoy english a lot more than I thought I would. I guess it's because I've finally decided at what I want to be.

I would like to say 'hopefully things will turn out okay' in the near and distant future but I find that really irresponsible of me cause this really depends on my determination and hard work.

So if I say, 'I will try to work hard from now on' to encourage myself, it will contradict with what I've just said. Therefore I will not say 'try' anymore, cause it's not good enough. Instead the phrase should be 'I will work hard'.

I WILL WORK HARD!

and that's a promise.

Stuck!
I must say that in all my life, I've never really been ashamed of anything...except today. It was absolutely the weirdest thing and I hope that it will never happen to me ever again. I swear all those old ladies there were staring at me for the longest time with a smirk on their face. I don't think I'll ever live it down, thank god I'll never see them again!

My friend (nameless for her personal sake cause she wasn't supposed to be there for some special reason) and I went to Pacific Mall today to look at some stuff. I needed to get my sis a birthday cake and a present as the day of her birthday party looms ahead. We had lunch and did the usual small talk (quite interesting, I tell you, the things we talked about) when my friend said she needed to go to the washroom.

Of course, being the good friend that I am, I decided to accompany her (actually, I was about to piss in my pants!) We went, man, that feeling of being relieved was one of the best in world! I'm sure most of you would feel the same. As I dwelt in this feeling, I zipped up my pants and was ready to go.

I unlocked the door and pushed.

SHIT!

The door wouldn't open. I tried locking and unlocking it again. Nothing. Unable to believe my bad luck, I tried again. And again. And again. It didn't work. I didn't know what to do so I yelled out.

FUCK! I'M STUCK!

My voice rang out in urgency. Panic and anxiety hung in the air. What was I to do? My friend (who I've forgotten about at that time), as nice as she was replied with a: 'Wait, I'm not done yet, I'll help you when I am.' Her voice was cool, calm and a bit sarcastic I think, but she was right, she couldn't really help me while she's still in there doing her stuff.

Okay, so she couldn't help me now...(the panic-stricken me is not one of my better sides and patience is definitely not a virtue when you're in my situation) My mind screamed out to me:

I CAN'T STAY HERE FOREVER!!

I started a battle with the door, locking and unlocking it in a frenzy, struggling with it, pushing it with all my might. I was making a lot of noise in there, by the way, because of the force I was using. Through the slit between the door and the stall I can see fellow washroom-goers staring at me but I didn't care, I just wanted out of there.

Around that time my friend came right outside my door and asked me if I was alright. Was I alright? I was scared shitless! But she told me to try it again. I couldn't see any other way out. So I locked and unlocked the door once more.

With great timing, she pushed the door open.

My mouth hung open. My mind went blank. I couldn't believe it. I was stuck in there for no reason at all. Why didn't somebody tell me to pull instead of push? Then I wouldn't have to be stuck there as long as I have.

*sigh*

I 'd like to say that I was overcome with anger because of my stupidity but I was so happy that I was free, I decided not to think about it anymore. It was for the best.

Actually, I've forgotten all about it after 3 seconds cause we were going shopping. Oh well.

That's another exciting day in the life of...stupid me!

P.S. A little exaggeration may have occured.
P.P.S (or was it P.S.S?) I'll talk about my presents and cake after the party. It would be stupid to reveal it all, if my sis were to read this ;D

Phew!
Finally got my essay back. I passed! Yay! I was beginning to think that I had no talent in the field of english. No, wait a sec, I really don't have any talent in that field. It's because of the hard work (Janet's working status = 35%) I put in. It's a lot more than usual (Normal Janet work status = 10%~20%) It's probably because I find it frustrating that I know my stuff and yet, there's not place for me to shine. Oh well, no one ever said it was an easy road. I'm kinda glad at that. Now I can look back and say, I worked hard for this and be proud right?

My road to become a writer has not yet started since I did not submit my work on time to Donard's Publishing. I didn't feel that my story was good enough. I kinda lost my sense/grip on the story half way through. I guess I just wasn't that interested in it but then again, there hasn't been many stories that I worked on that I wanted to work on...except one. I trashed that one too cause it wasn't original enough. Does this count as running away?

Anyways, coming up with a new plot again. There are stuff that I'd really like to write about but sometimes it's just hard to put it down on paper, or in my case, type. I feel that it's not good enough. That my ideas are second hand.

Lately, most of the plots I come up with are fantasy/romance/comedy and it's not bad...yet. Lots of angst for drama queens, lots of ESP/magic for supernatural freaks and laughs for everyone. I'm just not sure if this is the kind of story I wanna write. But I'll go with the flow of my fingers. If they type, they will, if they don't, well...I'll think of something. Can't be stuck in a rut forever. I refuse to.

Busy Week
Quiz tomorrow. This really sucks...I have about five chapters of 'The Sacrifice' to read. It's SO boring!! I hate it after like the first page. I still have about 4 chapters to read. Plus a poem, and a couple of other stuff...

I hate english...no I don't. I love english, and this is probably why I'm having so many problems. I don't know what's wrong with me. The weird thing is, everybody says that I sound like I know my stuff. Sometimes, I think I do too. When the test/quiz comes along, it's a totally different matter. I either get just a pass, or I flunk it. I dunno what to do. Seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't get to the next level and I hate that. It's so frustrating. Not sure what to do, but will definitely persevere.

Cannot loose sight of my dream now. If I do, I will probably regret it for the rest of my life. I don't wanna feel like I'm stuck in the rut for the rest of my life. Mental note to self: must move on. Question is how?

Anyways, on to the more happy stuff. My sis's bday has just past, but we've decided to celebrate with her on halloween cause her bday party with her friends were right on that day. Didn't want to intrude. She needs a life too hehe.

I've decided to buy her a green tea cake from Pacific Mall for her bday cake. It should be good since it'll cost me about $20 for I think a 2 pound cake. Then I've decided that the main course should be chicken, cause Wai only eats chicken. She can put some real constraints on a menu haha. I was thinking of a chicken with honey mustard or dijon sauce. I was thinking of making it like curry, where there's lot's of sauce with vegetables inside it too. So in this honey mustard chicken, there'll also be mushrooms, and carrots, and maybe potatoes. There will be rice on the side and broccoli with cheese as well. I think that will be enough for four people. Me, Joyce, Ting and Wai. With cake and ice cream.

Then it's horror movies all night long. With little trick-or-treaters coming for candy periodically. I think we should play some games as well. Gotta remember to buy snacks for the movies. Friday should be loads of fun.

Shit! I totally forgot about the present. After this whole meal I don't think I have enough money...hehe, I wonder if I can be cheap and make her a homemade gift...like a really ugly card...or something...hehe

P.S. I'll keep on smiling! So don't worry. I'm not gonna let me get down!