Scene 1 – Billy’s Party
RICCARTON
and CRISPY are standing in the corner of a suburban lounge. There is a child’s birthday party going on
in the main part of the room. The
lighting on RICCARTON and CRISPY is slightly dimmer, or a different colour, to
represent the fact that they are ‘invisible’.
Riccarton: Honestly, talk about demeaning. Scaring little kids is a job for ghosts and
those little monsters that live in the sewers.
Demons like us should be above this sort of thing.
Crispy: Well we would be ‘above all this’ if you didn’t
keep screwing up all our proper demon assignments, Riccarton!
[RICCARTON hangs his head in shame]
Besides, a shock like this early in the kid’s development will mess
with his head. Probably drive him to a
life of violent crime. Wouldn’t you
call that demon work?
Riccarton: Yeah, I suppose so. Well, here goes…
[lighting change to show that RICCARTON has become ‘visible’.
RICCARTON strikes a scary pose, and makes a scary face.]
Riccarton: [yelling]
BLEARGH!!!
Billy: [not
looking the least bit scared] Look, Mummy! [points
to RICCARTON] It’s Mr Funnybones!
Riccarton: Mr WHAT?!
Billy: Mr Funnybones!
He’s on every day after school.
It’s the bestest thing on the telly!
Riccarton: I beg your pardon?!
I am not some frivolous television personality; I am a DEMON from the
fiery pits of HELL!!!
[red spotlight on RICCARTON’S face]
[OSCAR, who has been absent-mindedly
supervising the party, suddenly starts taking a keen interest in
RICCARTON. RICCARTON notices this]
Riccarton: Wups. {rhymes with ups}
Oscar: Billy, can you take your friends outside to play for
a while? Uncle Oscar needs to talk to
Mr Funnybones for a mo.
Billy: Okay! Come
on, I’ll show youse my fort!
[BILLY and co. exit noisily. OSCAR turns to RICCARTON]
Oscar: Okay hellfilth; let’s get this straight. Nobody touches my kid, especially not some
two-bit demon like you!
[CRISPY, still invisible, tries to sneak out back door]
Riccarton: [trying
(and failing) to look tough] Oh yeah?
Let me give you a wee maths lesson.
Two against one isn’t good odds, even for an angel. Let’s show this fairy just how scary us
demons are, Crispy! Crispy? C’mon man, back me up here!
Crispy: [sighs heavily. Lighting change – CRISPY becomes ‘visible’.
Monotone:]
Boo.
Riccarton: [sarcastic] Marvellous performance there, Crispy.
You know it’s good thing angels don’t have rectums, because a large
amount of nasty brown matter would have just shot out of his.
Crispy: Speaking of rectums, you know he’s about to put his
boot into ours, don’t you?
Riccarton: Aw
come on, he’s outnumbered. What could
he possibly do to us?
[OSCAR
grins widely, holds up a large water gun in one hand, the other hand is behind
his back.]
[sarcastic] A
water gun, ooh I am scared.
[still grinning, OSCAR takes the other hand out from behind his back. In it he holds an empty bottle, labelled “Holy Water” in big letters.]
Riccarton: Ah. Yes.
Quite sorry to take up your time like that. If you’ll excuse me, my
colleague and I were just leaving.
[Riccarton and CRISPY tun to sprint away. OSCAR mows them down with the holy soaker. The demons groan and fall over. Smoke comes off them as the ‘melt’ into sticky brown goo. BILLY returns, sees what is left of the two demons and pulls his shirt over his mouth and nose.]
Billy: [pointing
at hellish waste] Yucky poos!
Oscar: [looks
blank for a moment, then sternly says:] I told you
not to give any cake to the dog!
[end
scene 1]
The
interior of a large brown and red cavern.
Everything is lit with orange light.
TARRUG sits a raised desk. The
desk is covered in telephones and various video monitors, one of them connected
to a desktop computer. RICCARTON and
CRISPY are cloaked (physically, and with lighting effect) in darkness up to
their necks. (the desired effect – to
have 2 floating heads looking up at TARRUG).
Tarrug: Nice work, boys! A masterful job all the way!
Oh hold on, I forgot it was you two I was talking to. What a complete balls-up! I love the way you two can take a relatively
simple task, and bugger it up so badly, that you end up dead at the end of
it. Bravo, gentlemen, bravo!
Crispy: If you’ll pardon my insolence sir, I saw that
the boy had a guardian angel and was making a tactical retreat when Mr
Funnybones here went and told the guy I was there.
Riccarton: What?
You’re trying to blame this on me?
If your intelligence team down here were any good they would have found
out about the feathery ponce before we were given that assignment.
Tarrug: I am loath to do this, but you raise a good
point. If we had known about the angel
sooner we would never have sent a pair of bungling fools like you to such a
job. I’m sorting out a couple of new
bodies for you now. Now get out of my
sight before I reconsider!
Riccarton: Thank you, sir! We won’t fail again.
Tarrug: We both know that’s rubbish, Riccarton.
Riccarton: Yes sir.
[RICCARTON and CRISPY
leave. Once they are gone TARRUG leafs
through a pile of papers on his desk.
He picks one up, looks at it and grins.]
Tarrug: What’s this?
Oh, it’s a report from the Hell Intelligence Bureau describing a
guardian angel that was appointed to one of my department’s targets. It seems I did know about the angel
before I sent Bony Boy and his squat sidekick on that assignment. Oh how silly of me. [grins
even wider]
[end
scene 2]
RICCARTON and CRISPY sit at a table
nursing drinks and looking sullen.
Everything has the same orange light
as in Scene 2.
Riccarton: [moves elbows and
examines each in turn] My new elbow joints squeak
Crispy: You should stop your whinging. We’re lucky we got these new bodies at all,
the way you bugger things up all the time.
Riccarton: That’s right, blame me. Just like when you palmed everything off
onto me earlier in front of Tarrug.
Crispy: And fair enough too! Honestly, explain to me exactly how us dying was any of my fault.
Riccarton: I don’t need to explain. You were there.
Crispy: Yeah.
Right. Whatever you say man.
Riccarton: Good.
Glad you see it my way.
[The pair sip their drinks. Riccarton
puts his glass down forcefully.]
Stuff
it. I’ve had enough of all this. I’m leaving. For good.
Crispy: I’ll see you tomorrow then?
[Riccarton stands and
heads for the door]
Riccarton: No you won’t
Crispy: [shrugs] Suits me.
[Riccarton
leaves the pub. Crispy leans back and looks out the door to make sure Riccarton is really gone. Crispy
then takes Ricc’s drink and pours
the contents into his own glass. Crispy then drinks the entire cocktail
in one go.]
[end
scene 3]
Riccarton
costume change – no longer a walking skeleton, but a normal-looking human,
wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Riccarton sits alone on a park bench,
watching some pigeons.
Riccarton: Now what? I’ve left Hell, only to find myself completely alone and with nowhere to go. What kind of life could a demon hope to have among humans?
[Riccarton screws his face up in
consternation, looks up at audience]
And
why am I asking birds for advice?
[across the
other side of the park, Oscar supervises
while Billy plays with a kite in
the distance. Enter Metatron, the voice of God]
Oscar: Hey Metatron, what’s The Word?
Metatron: Funny,
kid. Like I’ve never heard that one
before.
Oscar: I cry your pardon, sir. What I meant was, to what do I owe this
honour?
Metatron: Now you’re just being sarcy.
The boy’ll be okay for a minute on
his own won’t he?
Oscar: Erm, actually the other day a couple
of demons tried to have a go at him, so I’d rather keep my eyes on him.
Metatron: We know, that’s kind of
what I’m here to talk to you about…
[back to Riccarton’s end of the park.]
Riccarton: If Crispy were here, he’d make sense of everything.
[Ricc squints and rubs his head]
Wow, all this sunlight must be making me delusional. That little prat couldn’t make sense of a straight line.
[Oscar
cautiously walks up to Riccarton. Ricc
sees him, and then poorly attempts to look casual when he recognises the
angel.]
Er, hi. Nice weather, innit?
Oscar: Not bad, not bad. You probably think I don’t recognise you, but when we last met, you were staring down the business end of my Holy Soaker.
Riccarton: [sweating] Don’t know what you’re talking about, mate
Oscar: Really? Oh well, I may as well tell the people upstairs that they were mistaken. There was no ex-demon wandering the earth that would have been perfect for a new job opening in the pearly kingdom.
Riccarton: Are you telling me they’re going to offer me a job in Heaven?
Oscar: You’re admitting who you are then?
Riccarton: Possibly…
Oscar: [laughs] come with me and I’ll tell you all about it.
Riccarton: [looks at audience and shrugs] What have I got to lose?
[Riccarton
and Oscar walk off stage
together. Crispy steps out from behind a bush and scowls at them.]
Crispy: Just you wait, Riccarton old mate. Just you wait…
[end scene 4]
A sparse looking basement, bathed in a white light. A spiral staircase leads upwards. A door in the back wall is the only other exit. Costumes - Riccarton is back in his skeletal form, Oscar is dressed all in white, with big white wings on his back and a pale halo above his head.
Oscar: Welcome to Heaven’s basement! This is as close to heaven as you can get, without actually being in heaven.
Riccarton: The basement? Why have you taken me to the basement?
Oscar: Well, we could hardly let someone like you into the main part of Heaven, could we?
Riccarton: What? What happened to you lot forgiving everybody? I’ve turned over a new leaf, me.
Oscar: Good point. However, that whole forgiveness thing applies to humans. Demons are another story altogether. So, we’ve decided the best option is to let you stay down here for the time being. A sort of probation, if you will.
Riccarton: Okay, suppose I can live with that. But this new job, how is it different from all the other Angels of Death you’ve got on the payroll?
Oscar: First off, there is no payroll, but I'm assuming that was a figure of speech. You’re not an Angel of Death, you are Death. The Grim Reaper, to give it another name. It’s to help soften the blow for those humans who don’t believe in the whole God, Heaven and Angels thing. These un-religious people don’t always respond too well to being greeted by angels that they’ve been denying the existence of their entire lives, seconds after being divorced of their bodies. Your appearance has been based on a pre-existing fictional character that such people will be more likely to respond to. Plus you’ll be responsible for traffic going in either direction. You’ll pretend to be the one making the decision as to whether they come up, or go down. Although the decision will have already been made for you by one of our superiors, so don’t stress about that.
Riccarton: Wow, this is a lot more responsibility than I expected straight off.
Oscar: Better get used to it, Ricc. We start tomorrow.
Riccarton: We?
Oscar: Oh yeah, didn’t I tell you? I’m your new supervisor!
Riccarton: [Riccarton sags. Sarcastic:] Oh goody.
[end scene 5]
Scene 6 –
Billy’s house again
Back in the lounge at Billy’s house. Oscar is on the couch comforting Billy, who has been crying. Riccarton is standing respectfully off to one side. Costumes – Oscar is dressed as in scenes 1 and 4, Riccarton is dressed in a long black robe with the hood down to reveal his skull-head. He also holds a scythe upright resting on the floor in one hand.
[Oscar stands up and walks over to Riccarton. The two speak in hushed tones so Billy does not hear]
Oscar: Good job man, you did well.
Riccarton: It was a dog, Oscar. My first assignment without you looking over my shoulder, and it was a mangy mutt.
Oscar: Dogs are one of God’s creatures too Riccarton. Haven’t yo ever seen that movie “All Dogs Go to Heaven?”
Riccarton: It was the kid’s dog too. You’re meant to be his guardian angel, how could you let this happen?
Oscar: It was Scrappy’s time, Riccarton. There was nothing I could do about that. Besides, Billy’s still young. He’ll get over it eventually. They always do.
[‘invisible’ Crispy enters and starts to sneak up on Oscar. He has a large club in his hand.]
Riccarton: If you say so. Still, I can’t help feeling sorry for the wee tyke.
Oscar: [grins] Really?…
[Crispy
bashes Oscar over the head with
the club. Oscar drops to the ground.
Crispy becomes ‘visible’]
Crispy: [looking down at Oscar] Take that, you bloody great fairy!
Riccarton: Billy, go outside. NOW!
[Billy
runs out the door]
What’re you doing here?
Crispy: I’ve come to finish the job you started on this kid, and to sort you out once and for all. I’ve come to kill you, Riccarton.
Riccarton: What did you say about the kid though?
Crispy: Oh, I’m going to warp his fragile little mind, send him into a lifelong spiral of sin, the usual. But since we were mates, I’m prepared to offer you a deal. You mess with our boy Billy’s head and I don’t kill you. You’ll be booted out of Heaven, but at least you’ll be allowed to come home again. Whaddya say?
Riccarton: I say no. Nobody’s touching that kid. Not while I’m still standing.
Crispy: [shakes head sadly] Fine, have it your way. I take you down, and then the kid is mine.
[Billy comes running in, with the Holy Soaker in his hand. He aims it at Riccarton and Crispy]
Ricc & Crispy: NOOOO!!!!
[Billy soaks the pair of them. Crispy howls and melts. Riccarton cowers and shakes for a minute or two, and then realises nothing is happening to him]
Riccarton: Wh, what? Why aren’t I dead?
[Oscar groans and opens his eyes]
Oscar: The Holy Water had no effect on you, because your intentions were pure. You did good, Riccarton.
[Oscar sits up and puts a hand on his head]
Riccarton: Does this mean I’m allowed upstairs into heaven now?
Oscar: Hah! Not even! You’ve got a long way to go yet, demon-boy!
Riccarton: [looks at audience] Well, I suppose that figures.
Fin
