The Problem with Girls From Suburbia : On the issue of love+relationships

Girls from suburbia…All guys know em’. They’re the female down the street, the girl riding her bike down sparsely commuted dirt paths, and the young woman trying to fit in to her rural high school. The main reason these women have no real clue into a halfway decent relationship is that they have no first-hand experience. Oh sure, they say they’ve "seen the movies" and "read the books" but really, that’s just a load of BS. These next "well formed paragraphs" will clarify the uninformed and the just damn lazy people. Ps. If you are already uncomfortable reading this and see many relations between you and the text, KEEP READING, IT’S JUST FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

Flirting. Something that every single person of the female race should be masters of. But as you may see, I used the word should be, not are. Girls from suburbia have a very unique way of flirting. Example. This one(1) fairly pretty female of the same age looks directly at you, smiles, and you smile back. Throughout the day, you give each other secretive smiles, play "footsie", sit next to each other, and generally pretend you two are dating. But at the end of the day, feeling very smug, you ask her out, or attempt to kiss her, or even just try to hold her hand, she gives you a shocked expression and says something like ‘I never liked you like that’. And the expression and the way she says it to you is not ‘oh my gosh, you figured out my secret desire’ but ‘what the hell are you thinking, I’m don’t like you at all’. The REAL way a girl from suburbia flirts is that you sit next to her in a concert, minding your business, and suddenly, out of the blue, she asks you to go out with her. Guys, a way to counteract this VERY VERY SAD way of flirting and being asked out by a complete stranger is to either flirt with a professional(not many of those in suburbia) or flirt with every girl you meet. Even if your techniques don’t work, you’ll get a lot of new friends…

Another problem with girls from suburbia is that they have a defective idea of bases. This shortcoming ties directly into "getting somewhere". Imagine that you and your girlfriend are in the perfectly set up place; nothing to do, nothing happening, next to each other, alone. Sorta like a late-night busride for about 5 hours. You somehow manage to get your arm around her, and you prepare to give her the most assertive kiss you can give, and you do. But. But. She gets terrified. ‘Oh boy. I got kissed’. To her, this is worse than the plague, the sun dying, and too much lipstick. Ya know, the regular emergency. She has no idea what to do. She’s probably thinking, ‘This wasn’t in the manual. What am I supposed to do?’ Then the poor kid starts to cry, goes over to her friends, and you get labeled a dirtbag. Another thing on the flip side is that she kisses you, but like every guy, knows how to deal with a kiss. So you lock lips, and she gets cocky and begins to french you. No big deal. You begin to french her back, in hope of a makeout session, put your arms around her. Big mistake. She only knows how to get where she is. So she retreats, and then puts you on her list of People Who Deserve To Be Shot. Girls from suburbia have no love instincts. Advice to guys in either of positions: If you repeatedly try to wear her down, she’ll eventually grow some sense and daring and then you can get farther than you thought you could.

Yet another problem with girls from suburbia: They don’t know how to slow dance. You go to your everyday Hick Dance Party with slow music, either the males will be separate from the females or they will be (poorly) slow dancing with a partner at arm length. Ladies, this is not cool. Be brave. If you do it right, you don’t even have to look at him. Male instructions: pick a nice long song and slowly increase pressure until your heads are ear to ear.

As you can see, girls from suburbia are not the best "relationshippers". If you are brave, and are willing, and take the time, you can conquer these unruly beasts. Sometimes if you succeed, they are more fun than city or farm girls. Be strong, my fellow man. You can do it!